I found LS way too late...

[norajane]

I mean, she basically told me that it's possible and sometimes desirable to not tell, once it is over and you have a high degree of confidence it won't happen again. But, I will dig further into that with her, and see if it's just really a half-measure that often leaves both parties in a lackluster relationship.

Not telling leaves you with a huge lie between you. That creates distance, distance you cannot overcome. He has NO IDEA what has been going on with you, who you are, what is on your mind, what kind of person you are vs. the kind of person he thinks you are. Basically, he thinks he's married to some other woman, not you. How do you rebuild a marriage when your foundation is one lie piled on top of another? How do you rebuild a marriage when honesty is not there? When deception is what you are building on top of?

 

As for your ego and energy, divert it to your husband and your marriage. You've spent more than enough time spending your energy in the affair and wasted more than enough time and energy thinking about the MM after your affair. More than enough, too much. Imagine if you had devoted that kind of thought and energy to your husband and to your marriage!

 

Instead of reading about affairs and posting about your MM, go to the marriagebuilders.com site and read about recovering from an affair. There are actual plans there that should speak to your need to plan. Read "Light His Fire" and learn how to rekindle the romance with your husband. Plan things to do with your husband, plan a weekend trip with him, spend time talking with him. You might be surprised that he's not the same person he was 15 years ago. You think you know him, but you've been dwelling on knowing your MM for the last few years, not your H. Share with your H who YOU are, so he knows the woman you are today. Make plans for your marriage, and re-introducing yourselves. Jeez, what kind of MC are you going to that your counselor isn't suggesting exercises for you two to re-establish a relationship? Oh, yeah, none of that is going to work with the big boulder of lies between you.

 

And WHAT is your husband saying about MC and in MC? Are you focused on that at all? Do you care? Does he have concerns, issues? You haven't even mentioned that, which shows exactly where your head is.

Edited June 20, 2010 by norajane

[MsRight]

As I mentioned, I am definitely liking turning my attention away from the bad thoughts and feelings when they pop up and finding it successful so far today too. We just walked to the store to get doughnuts for breakfast, and of course in a moment of companionable silence those thoughts popped into my head. Instead, I decided to think about what flavor doughnut I wanted to get. Easy Peezy.

 

The reason I haven't been doing it is twofold - one is "Ignore it and it will go away." When I hear this phrase in my head, it is said with disdain and sarcasm. Like we all know you can't just ignore something and it goes away, you have to face it and deal with it! So that's what I've been trying to do. But perhaps there is a place in this world, after all, for "Ignore it and it will go away". Secondly, it feels pretty good to ignore. And it feels pretty bad to dwell on it. And it seems like I ought to be feeling pretty bad....so obviously I should be dwelling on it right? Like, ignoring it and not feeling bad is letting myself off the hook!

 

Yes, a little part of me doesn't want to ignore it so that I can hold onto the A and the xOM....but that motivation has really really diminished and it's more just about obsessing about my feelings about it all. So, I'm optimistic and, as I expressed earlier in this thread, would be more than happy to put my energies elsewhere. I still have a little bit of nagging feeling that I'm letting myself off too easy if I do that....but I'll give it a try, and see how it goes.

[norajane]

As I mentioned, I am definitely liking turning my attention away from the bad thoughts and feelings when they pop up and finding it successful so far today too. We just walked to the store to get doughnuts for breakfast, and of course in a moment of companionable silence those thoughts popped into my head. Instead, I decided to think about what flavor doughnut I wanted to get. Easy Peezy.

 

Taking this example, you could have done it one better.

 

In my previous post, I suggested diverting that energy to your husband and your marriage. Instead of merely diverting your thoughts from MM to what donut you want, you could have turned to your H and said, "what a beautiful day for a walk. I'm so glad we decided to go out this morning." And you could have given him a quick kiss on the cheek, and taken his hand in yours with a little squeeze while you walked to the store.

 

Do more of that, and I'll bet your H will soon start following your lead and will start seeing YOU in a more positive, interesting, and romantic light. I'm sure you haven't been a treat to live wtih, so it would stand to reason he wouldn't be making any effort to be all romantic with you, and to validate your ego. I'll also bet your MM did validate your ego, precisely because you did the same for him.

 

That's not ignoring - that's saying "my husband deserves my attention, not some MM who dumped me". That's channeling your thoughts away from MM, away from your navel-gazing, and toward actions that will improve your marriage and relationship with your H. Spend your time thinking about those kinds of actions. Plan that. Consume your thoughts with how to make your H feel special. He'll notice, and will return the favor.

Edited June 20, 2010 by norajane

[Just a stone's throw]

MsRight. NoraJane hit the nail on the head. I was at one point in my posting on LS mourning the loss of the constant contact that exMM and I had with so many emails throughout the day. Someone (and sorry I'm not giving credit where credit is due) recommended that when i think about not getting an email from exMM I pick up my phone and call my H. I started doing this more frequently and being the initiator of more contact with my H and loving thoughts and it has really worked. That is what you need to boost your ego. It will work.

 

Thanks Norajane for cluing me in to remembering that key "swing thought".

 

JAST

[MsRight]

I wish I had also seen the marriagebuilders.com website long ago! It would have helped depersonalize it so much to read his writings on withdrawal. How did I not find some of these things with all the google searches at the time? Would have saved me a lot of suffering and embarrassment.

 

And I should possibly look more carefully at our MC. No she has not given us any exercises or anything to do together. In fact, we went out and read the Five Love Languages on our own! Sometimes it seems as if she's saying we need to divorce, but I've always thought of it more as a devil's advocate thing because it always makes us work that much harder and circle the wagons more. Anyway, in my own defense (which I have been trying not to do thus far but will indulge in briefly) I have been working hard for him, too, even if I have not provided details on this thread. I've learned his love languages carefully and have learned a lot of techniques that work really well to deposit credits in his love bank. For instance, unlike me, he couldn't care less about Words of Affection, which is why our companionable silence on the walk this morning was nice. His top Love Language is Quality Time, so just taking the walk with him (instead of letting him run out and pick them up for us) is one thing that makes a big difference to him. I see it making a difference for him, and it's amazing how easy it is when one pays attention. And it's such a snowball effect....the happier he is and more attracted to me, the more loving I am, as well as happier myself and more attracted to him.

 

Great day. 180 degrees from yesterday. I know it won't always be this good, but I am hopeful that a lot that I learned this weekend will keep me/us on the ascent, rather than continuing with such extreme roller coaster ups and downs.

[U2RockZz]

you are setting yourself more heart attack....if he finds out...he would question all your motives here...better come clean...start from there....it will save you lot of time.

[norajane]

I wish I had also seen the marriagebuilders.com website long ago! It would have helped depersonalize it so much to read his writings on withdrawal. How did I not find some of these things with all the google searches at the time? Would have saved me a lot of suffering and embarrassment.

 

My guess is you were googling about "how to get over MM" or how to stop loving MM" instead of "how to rebuild marriage after an affair". When you search on the rebuilding marriage topic, marriagebuilders is the second link that comes up on google. At least it did when I just tried that search. It depends on what your focus was when searching before.

 

Make sure you get a copy of "Light His Fire", too. It's a cheap paperback you can get on Amazon, but it will give you practical ideas and actions on how to re-kindle the spark.

[road]

MrsRight

 

It's time to tell MrRight that you have wronged him.