I found LS way too late...

[MsRight]

Oh how I wish I had found this place a year ago. Who knows if it would have made any difference, since I couldn't seem to stop myself anyway...

 

My story is the same, yet different. Always, right? My OM and I had a brief relationship in college, but he ended it before we got too serious. I wasn't head over heels for him, so I wasn't too sad then, but whenever I thought of him, I always was a little sad it never turned into anything.

 

Well, we got back in contact a couple years ago. And eventually it ramped up and you know the rest. We struggled a lot with it at first, but also admitted immediately to each other that we wanted to find out "what if". Probably the clincher for me was that he admitted he regretted ending it back then and had been thinking of me many times all these years.

 

As it was starting, I was telling myself that I was going to get hurt and it was wrong etc, but I couldn't NOT do it. Probably integral to my whole story is that I am obsessive compulsive. It usually doesn’t interrupt my life too much (i.e. I don’t have to wash my hands 500 times a day), but here I think these traits were just the right ingredient to make the recipe even more bitter than it usually would be.

 

Anyway, we had a great year. Of course, it was heady and romantic, like an A will always be, but also like, for instance, it was with my husband and other serious boyfriends at the beginning. You know, the in-love, infatuation stage. So we were progressing through that bonding, exciting stage to the deeper stage, and it was wonderful. And he became my best friend. But then we were both getting to this very stressful place – upset that we were hurting our marriages, but unwilling to give each other up…and then he ended it. I was devastated, and still am, and it's been 6 months. I think about him constantly, still cry more days than not, and just lament the loss of our conversations, our sex and our companionship. I kind of feel like, what kind of life is it if I have to resign myself to not having that with him? Months and months of IC have not helped me with this (at least as much as I'd like).

 

As for our respective M’s...well, mine is ok. I was definitely having some existential angst before OM came back into my life, so it was easy to fall in love with him and out of love with my H. But, we have been together for about 15 years now and we are perfect for each other in so many ways. Through IC and MC I've realized how great he is, but I of course don't feel the giddy way I did about the OM. I of course can't talk to him the way OM and I talked for hours - because I already know everything about him! He's just not as exciting anymore. So I know it's apples and oranges to compare them and I should be so grateful that I found my H and that we can make it work. I just don’t FEEL it! He never found out, but even if he did I think we would make it through that, just with a lot more added pain.

 

As for xMM....here's where you stop empathizing with me. I outed him. In fact, I sent her a package with copies of emails, pictures and cards he had given me. Yes, I am a hypocrite. I am terrible. And I’m working on it in IC. And I'm still glad I did it. There are several reasons why. Obviously because I was hurt. But, actually, I had had many fantasies of her finding out when we were in the midst of it too. See, he always told me how perfect his marriage was. At the beginning, I was like, hey if your marriage was so perfect you wouldn't be here with me! But he just stuck to his story. He loves his W but couldn't resist me. But a really big part of why I did (especially at the time) was that I knew I couldn't just be friends with him and keep in contact. He wanted to, and I knew it would destroy me and I would be calling him all the time and trying to convince him to come back. I couldn't take that degradation of myself....but I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it (OCD)....so I did something drastic that I knew would ensure we wouldn't talk again, to make it less embarrassing and painful for me. In fact, it was pretty much a cold business decision: We can’t be friends either way, I won’t be able to enjoy any of him, either way. So, telling his W or not would not make a difference in our R going forward. But it would help me detach from him and vice versa.

 

So how is their M? No idea, since we have been NC (for obvious reasons) since the instant she received my package. Well, a bit of an idea. We still have mutual friends (that know nothing about our involvement) so I know they are still together. The friends (who are not really close to either of us) don't seem to be aware of any changes in their relationship or anything.

 

So, I guess I am getting what I deserve. They are still together and I am struggling to appreciate my own M and turning into a bitter and sad person.

I sometimes fantasize about another chance for us. I know I shouldn't, but it's those times that I actually feel able to cope with life. I also have thought about, but don't want to, demonize him in my mind. I mean, I really don't want to idealize him either (which I am probably doing) and stop myself from realizing how lucky I am to have my H, but I also just can't think terrible things about xMM just to make myself angry and get over it faster. He really is a great person, and it feels false to do that. To try to convince myself he is terrible just to help me get over him. He's not...if we had both been single, we would have had a great relationship. As good or as long as my marriage to my H? Who knows, I'll never know. Probably not. But it also wouldn't have been a fleeting thing. The best I can do is tell myself that xMM is not really good with money, I think (and my H and I are very, very frugal, careful financially) and I think he is sort of messy at home (again, my H and I are really strict about clean bathrooms and kitchen)...but that isn't quite enough to make me get over him

 

So I've given it time and will obviously give it more...but I'm starting to be skeptical that I will ever get over him, that it will ever get better. And that I will ever solve my own issues, for which I go to IC up to twice a week! I feel really hopeless. And just wanted to be able to share with people that could empathize with (part of) my story.

 

Sorry so long.... there's actually so much more to it, but these are the basics.

[fooled once]

Oh how I wish I had found this place a year ago. Who knows if it would have made any difference, since I couldn't seem to stop myself anyway...

 

My story is the same, yet different. Always, right? My OM and I had a brief relationship in college, but he ended it before we got too serious. I wasn't head over heels for him, so I wasn't too sad then, but whenever I thought of him, I always was a little sad it never turned into anything.

 

Well, we got back in contact a couple years ago. And eventually it ramped up and you know the rest. We struggled a lot with it at first, but also admitted immediately to each other that we wanted to find out "what if". Probably the clincher for me was that he admitted he regretted ending it back then and had been thinking of me many times all these years.

 

As it was starting, I was telling myself that I was going to get hurt and it was wrong etc, but I couldn't NOT do it. Probably integral to my whole story is that I am obsessive compulsive. It usually doesn’t interrupt my life too much (i.e. I don’t have to wash my hands 500 times a day), but here I think these traits were just the right ingredient to make the recipe even more bitter than it usually would be.

 

Anyway, we had a great year. Of course, it was heady and romantic, like an A will always be, but also like, for instance, it was with my husband and other serious boyfriends at the beginning. You know, the in-love, infatuation stage. So we were progressing through that bonding, exciting stage to the deeper stage, and it was wonderful. And he became my best friend. But then we were both getting to this very stressful place – upset that we were hurting our marriages, but unwilling to give each other up…and then he ended it. I was devastated, and still am, and it's been 6 months. I think about him constantly, still cry more days than not, and just lament the loss of our conversations, our sex and our companionship. I kind of feel like, what kind of life is it if I have to resign myself to not having that with him? Months and months of IC have not helped me with this (at least as much as I'd like).

 

As for our respective M’s...well, mine is ok. I was definitely having some existential angst before OM came back into my life, so it was easy to fall in love with him and out of love with my H. But, we have been together for about 15 years now and we are perfect for each other in so many ways. Through IC and MC I've realized how great he is, but I of course don't feel the giddy way I did about the OM. I of course can't talk to him the way OM and I talked for hours - because I already know everything about him! He's just not as exciting anymore. So I know it's apples and oranges to compare them and I should be so grateful that I found my H and that we can make it work. I just don’t FEEL it! He never found out, but even if he did I think we would make it through that, just with a lot more added pain.

 

As for xMM....here's where you stop empathizing with me. I outed him. In fact, I sent her a package with copies of emails, pictures and cards he had given me. Yes, I am a hypocrite. I am terrible. And I’m working on it in IC. And I'm still glad I did it. There are several reasons why. Obviously because I was hurt. But, actually, I had had many fantasies of her finding out when we were in the midst of it too. See, he always told me how perfect his marriage was. At the beginning, I was like, hey if your marriage was so perfect you wouldn't be here with me! But he just stuck to his story. He loves his W but couldn't resist me. But a really big part of why I did (especially at the time) was that I knew I couldn't just be friends with him and keep in contact. He wanted to, and I knew it would destroy me and I would be calling him all the time and trying to convince him to come back. I couldn't take that degradation of myself....but I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it (OCD)....so I did something drastic that I knew would ensure we wouldn't talk again, to make it less embarrassing and painful for me. In fact, it was pretty much a cold business decision: We can’t be friends either way, I won’t be able to enjoy any of him, either way. So, telling his W or not would not make a difference in our R going forward. But it would help me detach from him and vice versa.

 

So how is their M? No idea, since we have been NC (for obvious reasons) since the instant she received my package. Well, a bit of an idea. We still have mutual friends (that know nothing about our involvement) so I know they are still together. The friends (who are not really close to either of us) don't seem to be aware of any changes in their relationship or anything.

 

So, I guess I am getting what I deserve. They are still together and I am struggling to appreciate my own M and turning into a bitter and sad person.

I sometimes fantasize about another chance for us. I know I shouldn't, but it's those times that I actually feel able to cope with life. I also have thought about, but don't want to, demonize him in my mind. I mean, I really don't want to idealize him either (which I am probably doing) and stop myself from realizing how lucky I am to have my H, but I also just can't think terrible things about xMM just to make myself angry and get over it faster. He really is a great person, and it feels false to do that. To try to convince myself he is terrible just to help me get over him. He's not...if we had both been single, we would have had a great relationship. As good or as long as my marriage to my H? Who knows, I'll never know. Probably not. But it also wouldn't have been a fleeting thing. The best I can do is tell myself that xMM is not really good with money, I think (and my H and I are very, very frugal, careful financially) and I think he is sort of messy at home (again, my H and I are really strict about clean bathrooms and kitchen)...but that isn't quite enough to make me get over him

 

So I've given it time and will obviously give it more...but I'm starting to be skeptical that I will ever get over him, that it will ever get better. And that I will ever solve my own issues, for which I go to IC up to twice a week! I feel really hopeless. And just wanted to be able to share with people that could empathize with (part of) my story.

 

Sorry so long.... there's actually so much more to it, but these are the basics.

 

I am sorry you are hurting so badly still. All I can suggest is time. I think you have put the xMM on a pedestal and aren't really seeing him for the person he is. He is a liar (he lied to his wife), he is a cheater (he cheated on his wife). He isn't this great person you believe he is because in my view, you are still in the "affair fog". You haven't let go yet. You are still clinging to something that is a fantasy.

 

I take it your H doesn't know of the affair? how long was the actual affair? You are remembering who he was from college and the little glimpse's you had of him in the affair. But you don't know what it is like to be with him day in and day out. You don't know how he reacts to stress. Most people in an affair are on their best behavior - as they don't live together, they don't openly date, they have snippets of time together.

 

IMHO, to get over the affair, you have to let go of the affair and I don't think you have done that yet. ((hugs))

[skywriter]

Hi MsRight,

 

Just want to say, I know how you feel. I'm going through the same feelings. My contact with ex-MM is LC.

 

I've caught myself idealising him, and I have to stop myself and rationlise it within my mind. I don't talk about it to others and find it difficult to express to others on LS. It's like, for me, I just have to figure it out for myself.

 

He loves his W and he plans on staying with her, I respect that decision. I want a normal relationship that I can be proud of, so it is, what it is.

 

Maybe the healing process is as individual as those going through it. Maybe there is no one size fits all and we all make it through the maze at different paces. So try not to be so pessimistic about completeing the healing process. I'm not, and I damn well intend on moving on and finding the person that I deserve.

[MsRight]

Thanks, guys. I think it is right that I could heal and I just need to "let go" but I don't know what letting go looks like! Not to mention how to actually do it.

 

This may or may not be related and I wouldn't want to use it as any kind of an excuse....but I've honestly never dealt with rejection before. He's the first person that has ever ended anthing with me (both back in college, which almost didn't count since we weren't seeing each other exclusively) and now. I've always been ready to let go of anything before - relationships, jobs, etc etc. so it hasn't been hard. But, when you aren't ready to let go, and the other is...well, I have never seen the process unfold and I sometimes get skeptical that it will.

 

Do I HAVE to demonize him and try to hate him? Like I said I really don't want to...but if it's the only way, I definitely could try harder.

[norajane]

if we had both been single, we would have had a great relationship

Except that you were both single in college, and that wasn't so great. He ended that relationship, and you were ok with that.

 

That's what happens when you're single.

 

Now, when you're married, the complications preventing you from being together - your desire to stay with your spouses, or maybe it was just HIS desire to stay with his wife - make you believe that the relationship would be great. That you can't have him makes you think you're missing out on something that would have been so much better than what you have.

 

But you don't really know that. Odds are, you'd have passed through the initial heady and romantic stage much faster, because there would be nothing preventing you from progressing and the lack of secrecy wouldn't have created the urgency of an affair. Odds are, you'd either have broken up at that point - like he broke up with you back in college. Or, you'd be together and you'd feel about him the way you do about your husband...bored.

 

Instead, he chose to end the affair while you were still in the heady and romantic stage, leaving you feeling like that's how it would have always been between you.

 

Two more things: 1 - you don't love him, not like you think you do. You couldn't have outed him like that if you truly loved him. Love is an action, and your action was not a loving one. It was designed to cause trouble, and we do not want to cause trouble and emotional pain to those we love. You wanted to hurt him.

 

2. You can get the romance back with your H. But you have to try, and you have to actively do things. Instead, you've given up.

[norajane]

Do I HAVE to demonize him and try to hate him? Like I said I really don't want to...but if it's the only way, I definitely could try harder.

 

No, letting go isn't about him. It's about YOU. You have to own your actions and choices, you have to admit to yourself that you fell in love with a fantasy and fell in love with how you felt about yourself when in the affair, and you have to own your choices now. You got yourself into this affair by making choices every step of the way - you had control of every choice. You also have control of your choices now.

 

And you have to choose to turn your reality into something you treasure instead of dwelling in a fantasy that never was reality.

[MsRight]

This is definitely getting me somewhere. It's true that it's about me making decisions - I just don't really FEEL like our affair was a mistake. It was morally wrong, yes, but do I wish that it hadn't happened? No. I guess I need to get to that place?

 

It adds another layer of difficulty - because I feel like if I don't think of the affair as a mistake, I will always be doubtful or less enthusiastic about my M. And my H is so great. I really ought to feel about him how I feel about xOM.

 

I see on forums like these the regret of fWS and I am sort of jealous. I wish I felt that much regret and desire to do anything to keep him. I do want to do everything I can to make him happy, because he deserves it. But, I don't feel desperate about our relationship. Is it only because he never found out? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him and maybe get back that feeling of clinging to our relationship as one of the best things in my life, of being proud of being married to him, that I got such a great catch, etc. But, it would really not be fair to put him through that pain. I just want to adore him again.

[norajane]

Yes, I suppose if he looked at you with disgust and mistrust and the wounds of betrayal and anger at the layers of deception and duplicity...and you had to try to win him over again, you might feel that desperation for your husband that you do for this MM who dumped you. Your H has never dumped you for someone else. yeah, that would bring back the urgency and your dormant feelings.

 

I feel bad for your H and wish you would tell him about your affair so he can make an informed decision about whether he really wants to be with you or not, so he doesn't have to continue thinking he's in one kind of marriage when he's really in an entirely different kind of marriage. You've created a big lie for him to live in.

 

You've taken all his power of choice away from him, as though he's a child without a brain or the right to make choices about you. Clearly, you don't respect him. So of course you aren't going to feel all googly-eyed about him.

 

You must have felt something special for him when you married him. Imagine him walking out the door and never looking back. How do you feel about that?

[MsRight]

I know there are many different perspectives on the to-tell-or-not-to-tell question. I can just honestly say I have discussed it at length with my therapist and my conclusion is that I will not tell him. I never lost all respect for him, but yes, some. I'm getting some back and I hope that is just the beginning of what I get back. My goal is to give him the kind of marriage he wants and deserves and I don't think looking to the past will help. I want to look toward the future.

 

But, I have to get unstuck from thoughts of the OM. I am doing all the "right" things, I think. NC, MC, IC, but I still obsess over him, over what we had, and over how he could let me go.

 

What makes me sad is that everyone thinks I am such a strong person. That is part of what attracted both my H and the OM to me. Everyone I work with, all my family, etc etc think I am so strong, because I am bold and opinionated and assertive. But, I've never had to suffer through something awful like this - I've just actually never been tested. and I am finding out that I am NOT strong. I cannot seem to control my thoughts or pull myself up by my bootstraps. Finding out this much about yourself, not only that you can and did cheat, that you can be rejected, that you can be obsessive AND that you are not strong enough to handle any of it...it's all really hard to handle at once.

[Heather1]

Here's my dragnet take (just the facts)......

 

You had an A

He pulled back (which btw, happens in a's all the time but it usually isn't over until....)

You told his W

You didn't tell your H?

 

That package was a death knell. It also proved to his w that boys will be boys...oopsies.

 

You need to just forget about it as a lesson learned. Don't think about who he is, who he was to you, etc. cuz that's a dead myth killed by you. I'm not meaning that as a judgment at all, because I'm in my own situation. My philosophy on my A (which is dead at this point too) is if he's happy without me, I'm OK w/ that. Do I want him? absolutely! Just try to stay in the now & not the what if's. It'll really help you. I took up this GREAT hobby where I have to take classes & practice all the time. It takes up all my free time, and it's probably doing better for me than IC! Even xOM is jealous. The best revenge is living well.

[bestplayer]

This is definitely getting me somewhere. It's true that it's about me making decisions - I just don't really FEEL like our affair was a mistake. It was morally wrong, yes, but do I wish that it hadn't happened? No. I guess I need to get to that place?

 

It adds another layer of difficulty - because I feel like if I don't think of the affair as a mistake, I will always be doubtful or less enthusiastic about my M. And my H is so great. I really ought to feel about him how I feel about xOM.

 

I see on forums like these the regret of fWS and I am sort of jealous. I wish I felt that much regret and desire to do anything to keep him. I do want to do everything I can to make him happy, because he deserves it. But, I don't feel desperate about our relationship. Is it only because he never found out? Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him and maybe get back that feeling of clinging to our relationship as one of the best things in my life, of being proud of being married to him, that I got such a great catch, etc. But, it would really not be fair to put him through that pain. I just want to adore him again.

 

Honestly , lack of regret about the affair is simply lack of love for your husband . If you want to do the right thing . I think you H needs to know the truth about your affair & your feelings , so that he has a chance of moving on & finding a partner who can love him only . You too will have a chance of starting up again with OM .

 

Best of luck

[jwi71]

This M is done - and go on and file for D now...save yourself the time and money you are wasting now.

 

I say this for a few reasons but I will focus on two.

 

1) IC. Your IC is about YOU. About understanding and doing what is "best" for you regardless of others. I'm sure you discussed your A here and equally sure what was best for you was not disclosing. My problem is, based on your post, the IC isn't helping. As NJ pointed out...this is all about you. And imo you should be beyond "that point" in IC.

 

2) MC. MC is worthless as long as you continue to lie about your A. And you lie by omission. Does your MC know? Has your MC asked? NO way ANYTHING gets better in your M or your life until this is dealt with.

 

Oh I know, you won't tell. You'll keep plugging along in your M, wistfully wishing for YOUR life to be better. And it won't get better. No way to live your life.

 

What you DON'T realize is telling solves virtually EVERYTHING wrong in your life and your M. Sure, it'll be hell for a while but it DOES end. One way or another.

 

Think a bit more on it.

[MsRight]

Yes, my MC knows. I didn't start MC until the affair was over though, and my IC refused to work on my M with me while I was still in the affair because she says there is no improving an M when an affair is happening.

 

But it does help to hear that it's not right that I am still in this state at this time, and having been in IC, etc. All I keep seeing is "it takes time" everywhere I look, but I wondered if it was just my suspicions or if I really was stuck beyond reasonableness.

 

Honestly, every step I make in idealizing the OM less and the more secure I feel in my M and in myself being without the OM, the more happy and fulfilled I feel with my H. So, it's just not as B&W as it may seem here on these forums. It's like progress is being made, so that keeps you wanting to work on it. But it's not fast enough or "good enough", which makes you think maybe it is hopeless.

 

Part of me is just waiting for my heart to catch up to my brain. I intellectually know how great I have it, but it's like my heart is still in the dark. Or maybe stuck in the past is a better way to phrase it. I'm not as confident as you that my heart will never catch up. I do have to think on it more.

 

But let me ask you this, you say telling will solve virtually everything wrong in my marriage. How so? Honestly, since we've been going to MC and making progress (we particularly benefitted from the 5 Love Languages), there is nothing left to fix between us. Just with me....My MC asks me - and this is exactly the answer I need to find - are you IN this? Anyway, I am interested to hear more about what gets better when one tells.

[NoIDidn't]

Telling might help by giving you and your H a feeling of relief. Relief that he wasn't imagining some things while you were in the A. And relief for you that their is no longer this big secret your are working overtime to hide.

 

Its not so offensive to find out what the OM had that your H/M lacks. Telling him that, in MC of course, could help bring some of that into your M. So long as you say it in "I want" and "I feel" language and not "He does this, and you don't".

 

MC is the place to put it all on the table. You wouldn't hide that you contracted HIV from a blood transfusion from your spouse, so why hide the A? Its a slow death. A really, REALLY slow death. There are a couple of threads in Infidelity that you can read to see just how the secret slowly kills the M (the hidden resentment, that's not so hidden in the WS being the cause most of the time) - even when in IC.

[MsRight]

For those with experience, does telling help you get over the AP faster?

 

Because I would like to be able to tell him and say, honestly, that I am over AP/the A, which I am sure would be a prereq for reconciling as well as something I need anyway to be able to maximize my potential positive influence on this M.

 

I am really appreciating the advice, but I'm so sad over my xOM right now that I am just desperate for a way to get over him so I can focus on the rest of my life (not least my marriage, but there's a lot of other s*** that neds my attention right now too, and I've been to weak to focus on it). I guess today has been particularly bad. My husband is gone for the day, I've been on the internet all day doing nothing productive...it is better some other days, but there has not been even a single day where I haven't thought about him. Sometimes I feel confident about not being with him, that I can live this life never seeing him again...but even then, I think I am obsessing. Just being passive and waiting for time to pass does not seem to be working like it should! I feel the urgent need to do something active to make myself progress further.

[MsRight]

you say you have never been rejected before; maybe that is why you are hanging on so much to the OM because you haven't been rejected before and your ego/pride is hurt and you can't understand how this man doesn't want you anymore?

 

That's absolutely a major reason I am hanging on. i don't know how to get over it.

 

There is one thing here - he broke up with me back then (I found out now) because he was, at the time, Christian, and I was not, and he really liked our relationship and wanted to carry on with it but felt it would be sinful to do so. In subsequent years, he converted and is now agnostic...and then of course, he thought about...what if.

 

It really was too late, but when he started sharing this, we just started talking more and more and you know the rest. And so another part of me felt like it we were "supposed" to correct that mistake. Intellectually, I don't believe in "soul mates" or "meant to be" or fate...but apparently I do emotionally. Because I thought it was so important to correct that "mistake" that it was...not ok, but... understandable that I had to...do something about it.

 

So it's not only letting go of me getting rejected for the first time, but also getting over this idea that there was a mistake back then and that I could correct it now.

 

Importantly, this is why I am confident there wouldn't ever be another affair. I have resisted many over the years and it was no problem whatsoever....but when I feel like fate has been thwarted and I have a chance to make up for it...I couldn't resist. My IC and I talk about life not being a fairy tale...but I guess I still haven't quite gotten that through my head.

Edited June 20, 2010 by MsRight

[Just a stone's throw]

MsRight - Glad you decided to post!! Again, welcome to LS!

 

Here is my take on your situation and I will preface some of my post with areas where I am not necessarily living what I'm suggesting.

 

1. I think if you can confess your A to your H I think you should as it will give you the best chance of not only getting over the A once and for all but also deciding from both sides (you and your H) whether your marriage can and will be salvaged. I say this with the *** that I have NOT confessed to my H because I don't feel I can for many reasons at this time but if you are in a different position than me and feel you can, I think it's best. I wish that I could because I think it would truly be the best thing for us too.

 

2. Your A is over. I agree that what you did to out your exMM was not out of love but out of revenge. If it was out of love it would have been a mutual telling of both sides and would have been for the benefit of either saving or ending your own marriage. It is what it is. Put it behind you. A mistake and be done with it but don't expect that he will ever feel for you what he did because the damage seems to have been done. I am sorry to say that but it's a tough one.

 

3. On to the main event here. One thing that I realized in getting over my A is that it was all about validation and ego. I like you had very few times in my life where I had been rejected and I had never dealt with it well at any of those times. I'm the kind of person who wants/needs everyone to like me. I can't fathom why anyone wouldn't and with my A, I had put a lot of my best efforts out there and then got rejected... WTF? Who does he think he is?? But it comes down to ego. It was my ego that hurt when he ended it. I was mourning my ego. That is the first thing you need to reconcile. Secondly, it's the validation that you received from him having interest in you. You romance the validation, not necessarily the person. You will need to find other and more satisfying ways to acquire that needed validation in order to get over what you're missing from exMM.

 

Your IC is right. Life is not a fantasy world. There are real reasons why we do and act upon things and there may be reasons in our lives that make us feel we need the A to make our lives whole. I type all of this with the knowledge and understanding that I'm still living all of this and am in no way completely through this experience but thought I would share some of the things that got me to a few Ah Hah moments in grappling with the "how do I go on and get over him???"

 

Good luck!! JAST

[U2RockZz]

basically you tricked your H to believe in some thing which is not there to start with.....don't you think he already wasted enough amount of time on you 15 yrs of time on creature like you is just not worth a dime....why don't you set him free....no,cause you are pure opportunist...what a waste of time

[jj33]

MsRight you may get more response to whether telling makes it easier to get on with your marriage in the infidelity section. The reactions seem to be mixed. Some continue to hang on to the memories regardless and others seem to feel relief. You will get a lot of flack for not telling but there may be some useful advice from people who have been in your position.

[bestplayer]

basically you tricked your H to believe in some thing which is not there to start with.....don't you think he already wasted enough amount of time on you 15 yrs of time on creature like you is just not worth a dime....why don't you set him free....no,cause you are pure opportunist...what a waste of time

 

U2RockZz , chill man , now where did this trick thing came into picture ?

 

I think you are a little too harsh on her

[U2RockZz]

her entire M is a lie, she is faking the entire thing...she said she doesn't love/respect/care him, what would you call it then....but the truth will come out one or other way.....she even said if her H finds the truth she would be able to work through it....what does that say about her....she thinks/believes she can manipulate her H to her own convenience.....

[ComputerJock]

You exposed your OM. Don't you think the OM's wife won't expose you to your husband? You have a sword hanging over your marriage. If husband finds out (he probably feels something is wrong already if you in MC) from other sources then you, he will doubt your honesty in your marriage (you lied during the affair) and will see it for the sham it is and the real wife he has (a cheater). Give him the truth and set him free.

[MsRight]

Thanks, all. JAST, do you have any particular concrete tips on how one "reconciles" the hit on the ego? I have definitely identified this as a major issue, in fact to some degree I've known it all along...but I can't seem to really get it. Maybe I am getting it. I mean, eventually you have to accept reality. Time is helping a bit, but like I said I am definitely looking for more proactive things I can do to get this recovery process moving.

 

One of the other things I have identified since posting here is that I need to get over "fixing" it. Whenever I am anxious about something, I sit and meditate on it, figure out exactly what is wrong, what I can do to change things for the better, and then I implement my plan and feel a lot better. In this case, my "meditating on it" isn't leading to any good action plans and I guess it's just becoming obsession. Since last night, every time xOM has popped into my head, I just think of something else or sing a song to myself. I never liked this tactic, because it felt like I was just refusing to face my thoughts and feelings head on and I needed to be brave enough to sit down and face the worst and figure it out. but after 6 months of figuring not much out....maybe it really is best just to change the subject. I know this doesn't sound like a revelation to a lot of people but it is to me. I've never been one to just turn my attention away, ignore or not confront. I have definitely seen a lot of people talking about just keeping their mind off of it, and I guess I haven't completely taken that to heart. I think I can do a better job of it, and it already feels better this morning when I am doing it.

 

As for telling my H, I think I might post something in Infidelity. I read about 25 back pages of threads there yesterday trying to get some history on it and it does seem mixed. Also, my next IC is tomorrow, so I intend to bring it up with her. I am sure she will listen objectively, as she never encouraged me not to tell me H, but listened to my reasons and agreed that my plan was fine. But if I talk about it again (which we haven't in a while) I am confident that she will listen carefully again and give her feedback on my thoughts (pros and cons) and also on her experience, because she works with infidelity a lot. I mean, she basically told me that it's possible and sometimes desirable to not tell, once it is over and you have a high degree of confidence it won't happen again. But, I will dig further into that with her, and see if it's just really a half-measure that often leaves both parties in a lackluster relationship.

 

Wow, I really appreciate the comments here. I'm a little nervous, because one reason I am feeling a little more confident right now is that I have a plan (post in Infidielity, talk to IC, divert attention from xOM) again (I'm like codependent on plans) and lately plans haven't been working out for me and that ends up setting me back further. But, it does feel good to have some ideas of how to move forward and see where they will take me. At least it feels DIFFERENT from what I have been doing, which obviously hasn't worked. I will definitely post updates for anyone who is interested (and of course my own benefit!)

Edited June 20, 2010 by MsRight

[Just a stone's throw]

IMO, MsRight. It looks like you're doing all the "Right" things. I'm a planner too. I can see my MO of dealing with the fallout from my A in the same way you're processing it. I will learn from you just as you're learning from us all. I have not gone through IC or MC because as I've posted, my marriage has improved steadily and my H and I went through counseling last year with a sex therapist which addressed a lot of the issues in our marriage. Now, that didn't stop me from continuing on with my A, but since the A is over (mostly) it is making a big difference in how I'm relating with my H. I want to continue to make progress without upsetting the applecart with my H and asking for either IC or MC. At this point I think he'd be really shocked that we or I'd need it.

 

As far as the Ego goes... I think for me it was just recognizing it and taking some/most of the credit away from MM that "he" was the reason i was having issues. Like really, I can't live without him? No my ego is just bruised badly and it will recover.

 

Yes, the thinking and doing other things has helped many of us and the thing is the less they are in the forefront of your mind the less of an importance they hold. That's why some (including me from time to time) keep doing things to keep that grasp on them as time goes along we are afraid we will forget things about them. And then it will truly be over. And it's okay to let it be over.

 

There is no magic pill, or spell or potion that gets us over the hurt and emptiness. It's time and learning to love ourselves again and forgive ourselves for what we've done to those around us by getting into this situation in the first place.

 

Good luck and I for one will be reading your posts for updates.

 

JAST

[U2RockZz]

"For those with experience, does telling help you get over the AP faster?"

 

it doesn't really do anything to get over your A....it gives him freedom to choose,whether he wanted to be with a cheater, who has no regret,remorse,feelings for him.....that will set him free while you have your freedom to play who ever you wanted /rejected in your past life.....

 

"but I've honestly never dealt with rejection before."

 

was it an excuse....

 

so you mean to say you never got lesser grades in your school,college,univ...???

 

have you been getting better salary than your fellow students or colleagues...???

 

if not why didn't take them as a rejection....????

 

if your H finds out abt your A and divorces you what would you do....are you going fight the court....it's the rejection right!!!!

 

don't feed the crap...