LoveTruthChaos Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Hi all, just needed to vent. Bit of backstory: I met my ex in August 2008 while I was working at a summer camp in America. He's American, I'm Australian. Met through a mutual friend, and since we had both been at this camp before, we had a lot of mutual friends who LOVED us as a couple. And I mean, LOVED. We had blessings from everyone around us, and said that we were perfect for each other. We decided to wait for each other when I returned to Australia, and then in 2009, we were at our US camp together again, and spent 4 months together, by each others' sides every day, every minute that we could be. We created BEAUTIFUL memories together, at this camp that is a second home to both of us, surrounded by about 300 mutual friends. It was wonderful. That was from June-October 2009. I returned to Australia in Oct. Fast forward to now. He ended it with me about 10 weeks ago. Feels like yesterday, and then it feels like a year ago. I could tell he had been distant with me for at least a month before he ended it. To the point that him being distant with me was what made me want to end it also. He beat me to it, I guess, but that doesn't stop this from hurting. I found out later through a mix of instinct and information that he had been cheating on me for some time. Most likely longer than the month that he was being distant with me. He's now in a relationship with the person he was cheating on me with - made public on FB only 3 weeks after he ended it. Bastard. Anyway, now to my current feelings. In just 6 days time, he will be returning to our magical place - our summer camp. I will not be there. His new girlfriend will not be there. He will be there, surrounded by so many of our mutual friends (like I said before, this number runs into the hundreds). She will be no where in sight. I'm just wanting to vent. I have up days and down days, but the last week or so for me have been strange. I feel like when camp begins, he'll be reminded of me at every turn, since we shared SO MUCH there. All the nights I stayed in his room cuddling to keep warm, the kids we taught, the fun we had, trips to Walmart (sounds silly but they were great!), late nights stargazing. The night I gave him my virginity... It's like a double edged sword for me. On the one hand, I can't wait for him to be away from his new girlfriend for more than 2 months, with memories of me at every turn. I hope that it destroys him, makes him think, makes him hurt, makes him grieve, makes his head so ****ed up that when he goes to see her on his few days off, that he'll be distant with her coz he's been surrounded by memories of me. Because right now, while they are wrapped up in each other, I'm far from his mind. I cannot WAIT for his purgatory. Feels like waiting for camp to start has been torture for me. And then - amongst all of this 'wanting him to suffer'...I am suffering. Because those same memories that I hope to GOD that he is haunted with this summer are haunting me too. I'm thinking of all those wonderful times and missing him a lot. And it hurts to admit that it hurts. I thought I was doing so well. I think that when camp finally begins, it will seem like a relief to me, like the anticipation is over. I just want he and his new girl to be separated so badly right now. I think I'll be at peace when he gets to camp. Perhaps it's the thought of him being reminded of me at every turn, without her around. Perhaps it's the thought of all the kids we taught asking him how I am (since they knew us as a unit). That's a LOT of kids by the way, about 200. Or perhaps it's because a lot of my friends will be there, and will keep an eye on him, and let me know if anything goes on that I should know about. That's if I want to know at all - I haven't worked that part out yet. But these are friends that are insanely close and loyal to me. so I'm sure I'm going to hear something sooner or later. *sigh* Anyway, sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out. If you've read this, thank you. I wasn't looking for replies since I have no questions, but if you feel like posting, please do. Oh and one more thing...during our relationship, he was TERRIFIED that I would get pregnant (I don't believe in taking birth control - I don't like pills or medicine of any kind that is unnecessary or synthetic. I like to keep my body as pure and natural as possible). Anyway, terrified of me being pregnant. he told me about when he was terrified that his ex before me had a pregnancy scare too. According to the dregs of info I got off FB before I blocked his sorry ass - his new girl really doesn't like the idea of children. Hmmm. A scare with his ex before me. A scare with me. Third time's a charm....right? Would it be awful for me to wish for her to get pregnant? With twins? LOL - I like to imagine scenarios that would make me happy!
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