Horrifying development in my relationship......

[jamal]

I guess men are different.

 

Personally, I have zero tolerance when it come to infidelity. I would waste no time dropping the woman. This is a perfect exit time since you do not have any kids together. If she could cheat whilst your are still in the honeymoon phase of dating then what more when she is confronted by the sad realities of a marriage.

 

I dropped a pregnant fiance and she ended up having an abortion. I did not even have concrete evidence and all my evidence was just hearsay.

 

I do not care about her other wonderful virtues. Sending her nude pictures to another man will invalidate all her good characteristics.

[JoeNobody]

All I am saying, is that her reasons for doing what she did might be a lot more complex than we think. Or she could simply be a silly, selfish girl looking for some extra attention on the side, as everyone on here is purporting. Of course, it doesn't make her actions acceptable. What determines her character and if she can be forgiven will be her reasons for doing what she did.

This could be more valid than some people here might think. I should have pointed this out in my last post where I was playing devil's advocate on her behalf.

 

As I mentioned before, she had a surgical weight loss procedure. She had been very overweight for many years. I know that she felt very self conscious, ugly, insecure, unappealing, etc. Even though she is very pretty in the face that was offset by her anxiety and intense shame about her body.

 

After she lost all the weight and she had successful plastic surgery she felt dramatically more excited about her body and her appearance. At last, for the first time, maybe ever, she felt sexy and appealing. After all those years of humiliation and self doubt she finally broke free. It must have been very exhilarating for her. She will say that she got carried away.

Edited June 20, 2010 by JoeNobody

[bobdole]

Summary - I'm 28 and attractive, not a 10 - a 7 maybe an 8. I'm successful. I make 105k/yr in a low cost of living area. I also pretty much wasted 3.5 years of my life with someone who started off loving me and used me to improve herself(100% support, lapband surgery, I got her off drugs, showered her with love, and affection). She got thinner and more attractive and had an EA. After about 4 months I forgive her truly. She eventually goes on federal disability and has some income herself. 2 months later its the same thing again with an EA. I finally smartten up and ditch her the day I found out. The first guy was a total loser, 25'ish years old working as a bus boy living with mommy - no future whatsoever. The other I didn't care at all who was. I just ditched.

 

My advice - people that cheat, have emotional affairs, or other things of that nature will continue to do them. There will always be this problem in the relationship. Jump ship now my friend.

 

 

Detailed - I'm sorry for your pain Joe. Your situation is almost a mirror of my last relationship. She was overweight yet had a beautiful face. I was fine with her as she was but she begged me to help her with lapband surgery. That point was about a year and a half into the relationship. I fully supported her so she basically was asking me to pay 100% of the cost. Me like the love whipped sucker that I can be did it.

Five months or so later she's much thinner and I find out she has feeling for someone else. I didn't know who at that point. She went to stay with her father overnight and I then find out the person is her fathers girlfriends son who lives with them. Yea... She's spending the night in the same house while texting me that she's drinking.

 

Anyways after about 2 weeks of furious fighting and about 4 months of counseling I began to trust her again. Things are pretty well until pretty much exactly 1 year after the first fiasco. Fast forward and we've talked about marriage so far as to picking out a ring that I'm making payments on and were seriously looking at houses in my jobs area. I find face book emails, phone calls, and txts to another guy. I confront her and she gives me the pathetic old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I left and moved to the somewhat nearby city I work in the same day. I kick myself still for not leaving her the first time. He'll even after the first few months I should have left(major prescription drug problems).

Edited June 20, 2010 by bobdole

[JoeNobody]

sadintexas I am agreeing with your comments. You seem very wise.

 

Please tell me.... do you think that I should go ahead and send her a text message now with the naked picture? I could do that. The more I think about this the more I think it might be good to go ahead and get the ball rolling on that part of it.

[bobdole]

I would be against initiating any confrontation with her while she can't be in direct contact with you - phone or in person. Reason being that you don't want to give her time to come up with lies. If she has hours flying home, shes likely to spend that time trying to spin up some story that will make this sound not as bad.

[JoeNobody]

That is a good point Bob.

 

I can see both sides of this. Act now, or act later?

 

Part of me wants to hold back and wait until after she gets back in town. Then drop the bomb on her. I could pick her up from the airport and then unload everything on her all at one time. That was my original plan. I have already made printouts of all the offending emails and I have my speech prepared.

 

Or, on the other hand, I could send her a text message now while she is still away with the incriminating naked picture that she sent to albert. When she tries to contact me I could refuse to respond and let her stew for a while.

 

Honestly, I think that that the decision to act now makes a much stronger statement on my part. A woman will never respect a man who is willing to be completely stepped on. Even if she is the one doing the stepping. And in my opinion, respect is a major, major factor in this situation.

 

If I do not establish some strong respect here then our relationship is going to be toast no matter what else happens. I know that some of you think that I am crazy but I am still holding out some hope that our relationship can be salvaged. I still love her, even after all this. It still influences me that she went five months without e-mailing any more pictures to albert. That makes me hope that her indiscretion was mainly a one time spurt of stupidity.

 

Just for sake of discussion, I am trying to put myself in the same situation. What if I betrayed a woman? How would I expect her to react?

 

I would actually have MUCH more respect for a woman who had a strong passionate response and threw me out on my ass. That would be a woman worth saving to me because she is willing to stand up for herself and fight.

 

On the other hand, I would have much less respect(or no respect) for a woman who knew that I had done something terrible but still drove out to the airport to pick me up anyway and take me home. That just seems really soft and weak in my opinion.

 

In essence, there are two ways this can go. Either I take some control and do things on my terms(send the text message now and let her try to fix the situation, make her pursue me and come to my place to talk this over) or I try to soften the blow for her and let her do things on her terms(I get her from the airport, drive her home, discuss things at her place, etc.)

 

At this point I am leaning strongly towards sending her a text message tonight with the naked picture.

Edited June 20, 2010 by JoeNobody

[phineas]

My wife sent nude pictures to a guy she claimed was "just a friend" who wanted more & she also claimed she stopped talking to him when he did make a move on her.

 

Guess what?

We are signing divorce papers this week.

 

Oh & she is living with him.

I'm basically flat broke because of child support & a home equity loan I took out to pay for our wedding & honeymoon.

We weren't married 2 yrs before she was cheating. With this guy.

 

Found out after our first big fight she went out & screwed some random guy she met in a bar.

 

when I was dating her she got pissed because I hosted poker night & she couldn't come over.

 

I found out recently she slept with an ex that night.

 

I also believe my wife only married me because I offered her a future.

I found out from her friend that she wanted to marry a guy that only wanted to bang her.

Again all came out after I caught her cheating.

I ignored the red flags.

 

Run away from this woman.

[2sunny]

send the picture now. whether or not she chooses to get in touch with you isn't your concern. to get this finished and finalized is best. the sooner the better - then you can move forward.

 

and who cares what questions she may ask as far as the picture... you don't need to answer to her at all.

[Green]

If I were in your situation I would have fowarded the naked pictures she sent to ALBERT and sent them to MYSELF unless of course you don't like the pics... THEN I WOULD DUMP HER. Seriously if you let HORRIFYING deveolpments lead you any where else you are head for what ever is worse then HORRIFYING

[Jilly Bean]

Joe, I don't think you're crazy for holding out hope. I just think you're in shock and denial.

 

You're so all over the place right now - vascillating on how to confront her, when, if, where - which shows me you really aren't able to see this clearly, which is understandable. I mean, you were ready to marry this girl and trusted her! It's not easy to find out a loved one has betrayed you so.

 

That all being said, this is done. It's doesn't matter what she has to say, as either it will be a confession, or cover-up lies. But, does what she has to say even matter? I mean, you already have the evidence.

 

If you REALLY want to make an impact, then leave the pics and emails at her place, and NEVER contact her again, nor take her calls. IMO, there is nothing to discuss. She's already shown you who she is. Pay attention...

[Diezel]

Joe, I don't think you're crazy for holding out hope. I just think you're in shock and denial.

 

You're so all over the place right now - vascillating on how to confront her, when, if, where - which shows me you really aren't able to see this clearly, which is understandable. I mean, you were ready to marry this girl and trusted her! It's not easy to find out a loved one has betrayed you so.

 

That all being said, this is done. It's doesn't matter what she has to say, as either it will be a confession, or cover-up lies. But, does what she has to say even matter? I mean, you already have the evidence.

 

If you REALLY want to make an impact, then leave the pics and emails at her place, and NEVER contact her again, nor take her calls. IMO, there is nothing to discuss. She's already shown you who she is. Pay attention...

 

JoeNobody, I joined this website just to re-quote this.

Because out of everything, THIS is what makes the most sense.

 

If you send her a picture of herself, if you confront her about this, ANYTHING that involves her explaining herself, will be FLIPPED around on you... simply because you never would have accessed any of this information unless you wouldn't have seen it through her email.

 

Do NOT go forward with trying to get answers from her, because you won't hear what you expect to hear. She'll only turn this on you:

 

"How dare you check my emails like that... you could have just signed it off."

 

And then you're left with the emotional baggage.

 

DON'T pursue this any further. Just walk away. Your sanity will thank you.

[AttillatheHun]

Zzzzzzz.

 

Once again, people are making rash assumptions, suggestions and judgements about a situation that they do not fully understand.

 

'She did this and that, don't talk to her again, you already know who she is etc etc etc'.

 

One poster went as far to say that experienced a similar situation, but with further developments-

 

My wife sent nude pictures to a guy she claimed was "just a friend" who wanted more & she also claimed she stopped talking to him when he did make a move on her.

 

Guess what?

We are signing divorce papers this week.

 

Oh & she is living with him.

I'm basically flat broke because of child support & a home equity loan I took out to pay for our wedding & honeymoon.

We weren't married 2 yrs before she was cheating. With this guy.

 

Found out after our first big fight she went out & screwed some random guy she met in a bar.

 

when I was dating her she got pissed because I hosted poker night & she couldn't come over.

 

I found out recently she slept with an ex that night.

 

I also believe my wife only married me because I offered her a future.

I found out from her friend that she wanted to marry a guy that only wanted to bang her.

Again all came out after I caught her cheating.

I ignored the red flags.

 

Run away from this woman.

Does not mean that the OP's tale will turn out identically.

 

By no means am I trying to defend this woman. All I am trying to say is this- talk to (or confront, however you want to put it) her about this issue, and listen to what she has to say.

 

Then decide. There are always two sides to a story. Hence = diplomacy. If everyone acted on assumptions, no matter how loose or concrete the evidence may be, then the world would be a ****ed up place. Acutally, is part of the reason why the world is ****ed up in some ways.

 

Since I study history, I understand this concept quite well. Sometimes, evidence and accounts do not tell the full picture, hence two historians can reach diametrically opposed conclusions.

Edited June 21, 2010 by AttillatheHun

[aerogurl87]

It'll happen again. Once someone cheats on someone and the person finds out AND takes them back, all the respect their SO had for them goes out the window. You become a doormat in their eyes most of the time. Show your evidence, give your send off speech, and tell her to pack her bags and get gone.

[JoeNobody]

I will again suggest though that you not plop those emails in front of her. You're already proving to her that you know SOMETHING when you text her the picture. She doesn't know HOW much you know. When she returns and wants to talk, let her do the talking. Don't reveal your source. She can mitigate damages if she knows the source. Although doubtful, there might be more to this story than you know. If it's just those emails, she'll only discuss those. If it's possible you talked to her bff, then you might know more. See where I'm going with that?

I definitely see where you are going with that. This is a really good point.

 

It is kind of like a criminal going to trial. They only have to answer for the specific evidence which is presented against them. They do not have to answer for the terrible things that they did which we have not found out about yet.

 

However, if she is unaware of my source then she will also be unaware of just how much I actually know. The factor of the unknown will work in my favor. It will compel her to tell me absolutely everything(provided that there actually is anything else. There might not be).

 

I know that I am going back and forth here, but I did not send her a text message Sunday with the incriminating evidence. I could still do that Monday or Tuesday. As I mentioned before her flight home is not until Tuesday night. I guess I am of the mindset (again) to wait until Tuesday when she gets back and hit her with everything then. Maybe I will switch back tomorrow.

 

I did transfer copies of the 3 naked pics from my computer to my cel phone. When I see her Tuesday, I will just show her the naked pics of herself on my phone. She will think that somebody sent them to me via text message. That will get things rolling. Depending on how the conversation goes I will choose whether or not it is better to show her the email printouts.

 

She might have her work computer at home. After we have our talk I might demand to see her work emails and compare them against the story she tells me. I could also demand to see her personal cel phone records. If she claims that she has not spoken with him in months or whatever then it might be easy to disprove her on the spot.

 

On another note, she did call me today. She told me that she misses me very much and that she loves me. I know that you will think I am a complete fool but it really did come across as 100% sincere. Is there any chance that her screwup was really just isolated to back in january and that she is committed to me now? I would really like to believe that.

[Diezel]

Can't wait til you stay with her and then in a few months, you're back here asking: Is she being faithful?

 

You will ALWAYS have that seed of doubt in your mind, whether she is being faithful or not.

[Jilly Bean]

Is there any chance that her screwup was really just isolated to back in january and that she is committed to me now? I would really like to believe that.

 

Sure. But is it probable? Not at all.

 

Look, I know you aren't ready to accept who she is and what she did and what she is capable of. Therefore, stay with her. And then you will see that since you don't trust her, you will resort to checking her computer, checking her cell phone records, asking about this guy (and others).

 

Read the infidelity boards. They are ripe with stories of betrayed spouses who keep the cheater around and then resort to being keystone cops and installing keyloggers and kidding themselves they are getting full disclosure from their spouse about their activities.

 

Here's the thing you aren't getting. She has already proven herself to be a liar and a cheat. What makes you think she wont fool you again?

 

I think this is going to end like Diezel said. You'll enable her antics by taking her back and listening to her lies this time, and then in a few months, you'll be back with a part deux to the story.

 

Sorry for your troubles, hon. I wish you were able to cut off the pain you'll bring yourself by staying with her...

[Jilly Bean]

P.S.

 

If you really want to see how easily she lies to you, why not act like nothing is wrong when she gets back, and then start asking questions about this? Like, ask if she would ever be the type to send nude pics to a guy, or would she ever cheat on you?

 

When she looks you in the eye and lies and says no, THEN you might see her for who she really is...

[O'Malley]

Since she can't have Albert, you're her back up plan.

 

It sounds as though her reason for choosing you was not based on love but on the fact that you could potentially provide a future, whereas Albert cannot. You two may get along well and enjoy each other's company, but if she is not truly in love with you --and I do not hear from your post that she is --then I think there will always be an Albert in the picture.

 

Confronting her isn't going to give you the satisfaction you are looking for. Whatever she admits will only be the partial truth, and what will be most helpful to extricating herself from a situation of her own making.

 

If you REALLY want to make an impact, then leave the pics and emails at her place, and NEVER contact her again, nor take her calls. IMO, there is nothing to discuss. She's already shown you who she is. Pay attention...

[TaurusTerp]

Zzzzzzz.

 

Once again, people are making rash assumptions, suggestions and judgements about a situation that they do not fully understand.

 

'She did this and that, don't talk to her again, you already know who she is etc etc etc'.

 

One poster went as far to say that experienced a similar situation, but with further developments-

 

Does not mean that the OP's tale will turn out identically.

 

By no means am I trying to defend this woman. All I am trying to say is this- talk to (or confront, however you want to put it) her about this issue, and listen to what she has to say.

 

Then decide. There are always two sides to a story. Hence = diplomacy. If everyone acted on assumptions, no matter how loose or concrete the evidence may be, then the world would be a ****ed up place. Acutally, is part of the reason why the world is ****ed up in some ways.

 

Since I study history, I understand this concept quite well. Sometimes, evidence and accounts do not tell the full picture, hence two historians can reach diametrically opposed conclusions.

 

Things that are not assumptions:

 

1. She sent nude pictures of herself to another man while in a relationship.

2. She signed up for a dating service

3. He has lost a significant amount of trust for this woman.

 

If you think you can trust her again, then best of luck.

 

If not, then save yourself the agony of dealing with the breakup discussion. Hearing what she has to say will not help with anything. Send her an email or text with the reasons you want to break up, ask her not to contact you, and begin the moving on process.

[stillafool]

Your girl sounds like an "attention whore" to me. Maybe because she has lost the weight she now wants every guy to want her who knows. How do you know she isn't with someone on her trip? She sounds like a smooth operator to me. She sends this guy naked pictures, he's in love with her, she's suppose to stop communicating twith him, and I'll be they are still talking every day via phone. I bet you would be surprised if you talked to Albert about what he thinks their relationship is.

[cdubs32]

To JoeNobody: It sounds like your taking the right approach with this. You're obviously frustrated and a lot of emotions going through you right now, but it sounds like you're still keep a level head in all this, which is really really good.

 

As for what to do, you're doing the right thing by waiting to talk in person. Get it all out there, how you feel about it, everything.

 

As for texting her the pics you found, that's if you know it's for sure over and you want to eff with her. Doesn't sound like that's the case here.

 

I agree that there are no acceptable reasons for doing this. She did this without telling you and she can't say she wouldn't have thought to tell you, because she's told you everything else about this guy and her conversations, she intentionally left this out. The reasons really don't mean much in the big picture like someone else said, it hurts you either way doesn't it? She should know that.

 

I also agree about her having to WIN YOU BACK. You cannot have this conversation with her and say "but I want to try and work through this". You need to basically throw the ball in her court and see how she reacts. If she loves you, she'll be sorry, she'll apologize, she'll be devastated to know you found them and she'll feel sick to her stomach in fear of losing you. If you make this sound at all like just a little mistake then she'll take the opportunity to blow it off. You have to make sure she knows this is a serious serious issue.

 

Depending on her reaction and how the conversation ends....you may want to give each other some time to think about things. If she's super apologetic and is worried about losing you, tell her you need some time to think about things and clear your head, tell her you'll talk in about a week or so. If you get in a big fight and she gets mad at you or tried to displace blame, walk away from the conversation, go home, and practice no contact until SHE comes crawling back to you.

 

No contact is really hard to do, especially when you still have feelings, but time is the only thing that will make you feel better, and if it's truly over and she is not sorry and she's not the one for you, breaking no contact will only prolong your healing each time you do it. You can't fully heal from this if it ends until she's completely out of your life.

 

Good luck, let us know how the conversation goes.

[cdubs32]

As for the online dating site thing...

 

I don't know if it's fair to get upset with her about that. I know it can't feel good, but she had a fight with you and I'm sure there were a lot of emotions going through her body at the time of that fight, and I don't doubt there's a legit shot she thought it was over or that you were going to end it.

 

Looking on a dating site, which is what she did, just look, is not necessarily something to get all upset about. She did in fact cancel it around the time you made up, so that's a good sign.

 

The only other thing about this which scares me overall about your situation, is that she's a small town girl it sounds like (maybe I'm wrong). Small town people want to get married, and they do it young, and other small town people think you're crazy or ruined if you don't get married as fast as you can. She may just want to get married dude, and right now you're the ideal candidate, but at the same time if she could find another dude online in a hurry to fit that role then it means she doesn't really love you that much, she just wants to get married.

 

It sounds ridiculous, but there are people (not just women) who just want to get married to be married....not because the person they're marrying is the "the one".

[bac]

Do you want to know the truth if she loves you and regrets about the pics?

The worst thing you can do to let her prepare for the conversation and so she can put an appropriate mask on.

You can read the truth in her unprepared/natural emotional reaction only if she is not ready for that. Hopefully, she will be shocked, react automatically out of her guard, and she might be very emotional, so she might spill all the truth from inside and let you know something really new.

If she refuses to talk, try to make her to do that and try to make her very emotional.

If she knows before the conversation that smth is wrong and especially about naked pics, she will use her logic about finding the most appropriate strategy to deal with the issure.