Horrifying development in my relationship......

[JoeNobody]

Let me apologize in advance for the length of this.

 

Over the years I have been with lots of girls. Mostly casual dating, but a couple of serious relationships mixed in.

 

On the other hand, my current girlfriend has not dated very many men at all. She got a serious boyfriend early in high school and stayed with him til he was out of college. That was just a few years ago. She is over him and he is out of the picture.

 

We have been dating for about a year now. Our physical attraction started fast. Our relationship intimacy came along slower but it did come along over time. We seem to have a lot of things in common. We stay up late at nights to talk. Our views on religion, money, politics, family, etc. are all very similar. We even like the same types of TV shows.We began using the "love" word with each other about in month 5 of the relationship(last November). We are passionate together but we are also comfortable together(in a good way).

 

In month 6 of our relationship she told me about a coworker of hers from another part of the country had strong feelings for her and told her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. For sake of discussion, we will call him Albert. She explained to me that she and Albert had mutual adoration for each other but they had never acted on it in a physical way. Mainly it was flirting and a strong bond from talking on the phone regularly. She said that she sort of had feelings for him but it would not work out in the long run because he was already married with kids and he lived too far away(someplace that she would never want to live).

 

I told her flat out that I cannot be with someone who goes back and forth on something like this. I told her that I did want her but she needed to decide if she wanted me or him. And if she did want him, then that is what she should do. She agreed that she preferred to be with me more as long as I saw us having a serious future together. I told her that I did see our relationship continuing to progress.

 

In month 8 of the relationship(February or so) she threw out the marriage word to me. I was caught off guard but I was not opposed to it. In fact, after thinking it over for a while, it became clear to me that I did want to marry her. Since then we have talked pretty regularly about getting married and having a house, and kids, and all the rest. We have met each other's families. My family liked her but her family had mixed feelings about me. She attributes this at least part because of the fact that our location is too far from her home(about a 12 hour drive) and her family wants her to move back there. Obviously if she plants too many roots here in my area then she might not ever move back there and they do not like that idea.

 

Most of the time she and I do get along well. Occasionally there will be some friction but we generally get over it fairly quickly and make up. In month 11 we had an argument late in the night and we both got so frustrated that I left her place and drove back to mine. We made up a couple of days later and everything seemed fine.

 

Fast forward up to right now--month 12. Things have stayed serious between us. We have even started discussing dates about when to get a house together, when to get married, etc. So in my mind we are coming to the conclusion of the dating phase and getting closer to marriage phase. I have been happy about this even though I had not wanted to get married in the past. I feel like I am ready now.

 

She told me very recently(a week ago) that the guy I mentioned earlier(Albert) has now resurfaced. She told me she talked with him and that he wants more than just friendship with her, etc. She told me that she opposed his advances and she has told him so pretty forcefully. She told him that she could not be romantic with him, and in fact, his actions were making it difficult for her to even remain friends with him. It felt good for me to hear her say that.

 

Well, here is the bad part comes in. Actually, the shockingly horrible part, I should say.

 

Ordinarily I am not the suspicious type. I am not a naturally trusting person at all but basically I feel like there is no point to spying, or accusations, or any of that stuff. Just my philosophy.

 

Currently she is away for a while. She left her e-mail on her computer logged in and curiosity got the best of me. I had to look. I looked in her "inbox" and also the "sent mail" items. I noticed that there were quite a few e-mails between one person. Turns out it was Albert. Almost all of these were from about 5 months ago back in January 2010. At that time she had just completed a surgical weight loss procedure and also plastic surgery. So she was very excited about her body at that time. I could sort of understand why she would want to show off her new look at that time.

 

In addition to those late January e-mails with pics there is also one an e-mail from just a few days ago she sent him with another photo of herself.

 

Anyway, then the real bombshell hit me. As I continued looking through the pictures I ran across 3 photos of her in the nude that she took of her self and sent to Albert back in january(month 7 of our relationship). One of them was a full body shot of her completely naked. I was stunned and crushed beyond all belief. And furious. And just about every other emotion you can think of all wrapped into one.

 

Also, as I looked through her e-mails I noticed that right after the fight we had where I left her place she actually signed up for an internet dating service the very next day. She created a profile, uploaded a few pictures, etc. According to her e-mail records from the dating service she canceled her membership just a couple of days after she signed up(right after she and I made up and smoothed things over).

 

In an effort to boil this down, here are my issues.

 

One, I am absolutely outraged over the naked pictures she took of herself and sent to him back in January. I realize that was 5 months ago and I am just finding out about it now. However, our relationship was already serious when she did that.

 

Two, I am also angry about the multiple non-nude pictures she was sending him at the same time. Of course, if the naked pictures did not exist then I would be more okay with her sending him some non-naked ones. But it makes me distrust her because I was seeing her throughout the week that she was sending those assorted pictures to him. It's like she was doing it right under my nose.

 

Three, I am upset that she just told me a few days ago that she could not even be friends with Albert, but yet, she just e-mailed him another picture of herself two days before she told me that. It seems like a complete contradiction on her part.

 

And four, it does bother me that she went out and signed up for an internet dating service the day after we had our big argument. I do not mean this to come across in a selfish way but it seems to me that if she was truly in love with me as deeply as she said then she would not be able to do something like this the very next day after a fight. Shouldn't she mope for at least a few days? I know I did. That two day separation we had made me absolutely miserable. Even if she thought that we were broken up permanently it still seems like she should have been too depressed for at least a few days to start thinking about other guys. This whole thing seems like a big red flag to me.

 

At this point she is not aware of any of these things. I plan on confronting her with everything in person as soon as I get my head clear about how to handle this.

 

Believe it or not, even though I am hurt, angry, and a lot of other things I still do love her very much and I am hoping that we can work it out somehow. I cannot sweep this under the rug but I am obviously concerned that this may be the end of our relationship when I discuss this with her.

 

So, what do you think I should do? I have a general plan in mind but it would be very nice to get input from others.

 

Thanks.

[hats]

I'm sorry to say this, but this relationship is over. You may still love her and she may still love you, but most likely you'll never be happy together because you'll never fully be able to trust her again. You can give her a chance to explain herself but really I think you should start planning how you're going to break things off.

[Taramere]

Honestly, JoeNobody. You sound like a sane and well balanced individual. If you want to keep it that way, I think you already know what to do here.

[I'm Batman]

Sorry to hear about your situation OP, but I wouldn't jump the gun just yet and break the relationship. Although the trust is gone on your part, there must be a reason why she wants to live this incognito lifestyle. Perhaps the spark in your relationship has fizzled out and Albert fulfills what you have stopped to fulfill, ever think about that? Maybe you got boring to her...all these commitment promises i.e. house, marriage etc. has made the relationship bland. You should approach her WITH a calm heart and discuss your feelings and never lose your temper. Good luck bud.

[White Dove]

I couldn't agree more with the above posters.

 

Too many mistakes on her part to forgive her. Think about it -- it would have been even more devastating if you were married. Save yourself from this misery.

[ecto-1]

Also, as I looked through her e-mails I noticed that right after the fight we had where I left her place she actually signed up for an internet dating service the very next day. She created a profile, uploaded a few pictures, etc. According to her e-mail records from the dating service she canceled her membership just a couple of days after she signed up(right after she and I made up and smoothed things over).

 

Feel like creating a NEW thread for an "Online Dating" thread here.....I think there's a lot of people who get in some kind if "tiff" or have a relationship on the rocks that I see on these dating sites.

 

They are upset, and they make a profile that lasts a couple of weeks, and he/she corresponds with strangers to make herself feelbetter....because they're on a "break".

 

Then they wind up "making up" and the guys/gals on the other end of the computer are wondering where they went.

 

Anyhow, yeah, this is something difficult to discover.

[bac]

IMO a woman who sends her nude pics might be emotionally unstable for any reason (depression, borderline, drugs).

[aerogurl87]

Ok the dating site I can understand, especially if she thought you two were broken up for good. Different people cope in different ways. Maybe she was trying to pick herself up and be like "I am still attractive and others will want me even if he doesn't". So you think she may not have been down in the dumps like you, but I'm betting it was her way of coping with the break up.

 

With that said, the nude pics while you two were in a relationship are not right. Break up with her cause if she could do that now, it'll more than likely continue into the future. She may love you and all, but she doesn't respect you if she's capable of doing this. And as long as she's giving this Albert guy an open window, he's gonna continue to pursue her whether she tells you about it or not.

[iammolly]

I am really sorry that you have had to go through this. I can speak from a very similiar experience with my ex.

 

It's over. Unless you both really work hard, go to counseling (seriously) and recommitt in everyway to your relationship. If she is resistant or defensive in ANY way, it will not work. You will find yourself always doubting, questioning, snooping, seeking validation of your concerns etc. It is NO WAY to live.

 

I went through the above described scenario 3 times in 3 years... always followed by counseling, promises, assurances, etc. I was miserable.

 

You deserve so much better than this, as hard as it is to hear. You will regret staying with her.

 

Best of luck to you.

[JoeNobody]

I am very grateful to everyone who responded here. Very grateful.

 

I really do prefer to hear the truth, good or bad.

 

It makes sense to me that some people limit their cheating to "cyber cheating." By committing adultery online they get the thrill without actually committing physical adultery. In fact, I could see some cyber cheaters vehemently refusing to meet with their "online lovers" in person. Keep it safe and keep your hands clean, so to speak. In light of the fact that her contact with Albert occurred 5 months ago and contact seemed to drop off since then I would like to chalk it up to that.

 

To me that is probably the biggest factor going in her favor. There were almost no e-mails exchanged between them between the first of February and just last week. If there is any hope at all here then it mainly rests on that, in my opinion.

 

I am a very practical person and I still hold out some hope that this situation can ultimately be fixed for the better. Due to my career choice I am generally pretty good at blocking out emotion and keeping things logical. Perhaps the odds are as low as 1% in this whole mess but I really do not see them as being 0% yet. I sincerely believe that somebody out there has managed to overcome a problem this big(or bigger) at some point.

 

To be honest the pain right now is excruciating. I am not a wimp or anything but when it comes to matters of the heart even the strongest man can go weak.

 

You know, I finally found myself at a point in life that I wanted to get married, I even had the "right" girl picked out, etc. I was really looking forward to a new life. But all of the suddenly everything completely collapsed in the blink of an eye. Things literally went from great expectations for me to extreme misery for me in no time flat.

 

Ironically, I was probably going to offer her an engagement ring in the next month or two. So maybe this land mine was actually a blessing in disguise. It is awfully hard to look at it that way in this moment though.

 

I think that most people on this board are right. This is probably over with. I wish I could deal with her face to face right now but unfortunately it will be a few more days before I get to see her in person. The waiting is the hardest part. It really is. It's unbearable. It's like the guy on death row who knows what is coming to him and he just has to wait it out.

 

I did put together a plan of action for when I face her. As strange as it sounds that actually does make me feel better. At least that takes some of the "unknown" has been converted into "known." At least I have gone from a completely helpless lack of control to some measure of control over what will be happening soon.

 

I will post my plan here this evening so you all can give me whatever outsider perspective you have on my plight.

 

In the meantime I would like to hear from anyone who had a bump in their relationship like this and managed to overcome it. I know that the odds are against success here but I would like to hear the other side of the coin.

Edited June 19, 2010 by JoeNobody

[JoeNobody]

By the way, one other thing.

 

I am actually taking care of her dog this week. When all of this first broke my initial reaction was to send her a text message telling her that our relationship was finished and that I would drop her dog off at the pet care service she uses. She could pick him up when she gets back. They charge 40 bucks per day so the total bill would have been about 240 dollars for her.

 

There is part of me that is still contemplating doing that right now. I know that it sounds a bit irrational. But I think that in fairness to me I have no obligation to keep her dog or do any other favors for her at this point. I am not the type of person who goes looking for conflict but I do not back down from it either. As I said I am pretty good at keeping my cool under stress and I am a bigtime firm believer in standing up for yourself in a tough situation.

 

Of course, there is still the voice in my head telling me that she at least deserves a chance to tell "her side" of the story before I cut the cord or take any type of vindictive measures.

 

Also, I thought about calling her or sending her a text message asking her to move up her return trip here. I won't say why, and she will think that it is because I miss her. I do not know if it is better for me to do this or just not call her or text her whatsoever.

[Chocolat]

The pictures and continued contact are of concern, of course. But what struck me in your original post was this:

 

She agreed that she preferred to be with me more as long as I saw us having a serious future together. I told her that I did see our relationship continuing to progress.

 

It sounds as thugh her reason for choosing you was not based on love but on the fact that you could potentially provide a future, whereas Albert cannot. You two may get along well and enjoy each other's company, but if she is not truly in love with you --and I do not hear from your post that she is --then I think there will always be an Albert in the picture.

[Cracker Jack]

I don't think you should call her or text her to tell her to move her return up. I think you're just overly anxious at this point, and want to take action fast. No problem with that, but you still need some time to clear your head about certain things. She'll be back before you know it, so don't try to rush it.

 

And yes, I believe she's a bad liar. She fed you the whole "possibly not being friends with Al due to his strong advances" crap to throw you off, and basically make him appear to be the villain when she's actually welcoming his attention. You don't need that.

[D-Lish]

Your gf sounds like a manipulator! Jaysus, I'd have left immediately and never looked back if my SO told me they had been carrying on an emotional affair with someone else.

 

There is such a pattern of lies and manipulation going on here.

I think you should have gone with your initial reaction to the naked pics and dumped her immediately. I'd still look after the dog (It's not the dog's fault and kennels are stressful for animals).

 

This girl is not someone you should ever trust.

[Ocktus]

It sounds like there's something "off" with her. Sending nude pictures to someone you barely know is begging for them to emerge on a website. Worst yet, she's keeping contact with this "Albert" that seems a bit off his rocker - professing love to someone you've only conversed over the phone with is not normal behavior amirite? I join the above poster in that she seems emotionally unstable.

 

Even if you don't consider what she did as too severe, the fact still stands that she doesn't seem mature enough to start playing house with someone. Having kiddies with her would be a terrible mistake, because kids require patience and a stable mother.

 

You mentioned you are used to blocking out emotions and using your faculties of reasoning instead. So you should pretty much realize that any future with her will inevitably lead to a horrible trainwreck.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear all this and I understand how it must hurt. You mention quite a few times how you keep your cool and look at things rationally, but you are clearly very angry and hurt and I think most men would be.

 

Regarding signing up to the internet dating site, I wouldn't take that too seriously. People do strange things when they feel hurt and angry. The fact that she withdrew from the site shortly afterwards shows that it was a flash in the pan. If she'd meant to go looking for someone else at that point, she'd have 'forgotten' to withdraw.

 

The pictures - well, what can I say? Her behaviour seems odd, even for a woman who has got a crush on a man online. For a start off, he's not available and she must realise that. What kind of woman pursues a married man? Also, even if she did fancy him rotten, why send naked pictures? Doing all this while with you is not acceptable. As to why she's doing it, it's anybody's guess. The clear message is that she wants him to look at her, she wants his attention. I don't think you can ignore that and deep down you know you can't.

 

I suspect the trust has gone here, never to be recovered. You are willing to try to work this out with her - and maybe she will realise just how stupid she's been when she's faced with losing you - but what about for you? Won't this fundamentally change your feelings for her for good?

 

I'm so sorry this has hurt you. I'm not surprised you are shocked and your feelings of wanting lash out by dumping the dog are understandable, but the dog didn't do this and ultimately I don't think you'd want to look back on this and see yourself as someone who would react in that way. You have every right to make your feelings clear to your girlfriend and to be angry and hurt. This waiting must be hard and, personally, I would not be able to wait and I would ring her, but you must decide what's best. I think it may be best if you faced her in person so she has to deal with this. It's all too easy to cut a person off on the phone and leave them with their anger and frustration. I think she should face the consequences of her actions.

 

You are a decent person who loves her and has shown that love, it seems. She obviously has some need for someone to admire her body. It might be worth you thinking about if you do this. She may be insecure. She may ssume you are more interested in her mind than her body and yet she needs that admiration too. If you have admired her plenty of times yourself, then she is looking for attention elsewhere. If you don't generally treat her as if she's beautiful, perhaps because you assume she knows that, then maybe it's worth you thinking about that. Whatever the situation though, she has no excuse for this deceitful behaviour.

[Brady_to_Moss]

Over man..sorry. I think after this you could use a nice long break from dating or anything to do with women..this is just one of the many reasons i refuse to date.

[2sunny]

i would have no use for dating someone who is willing to pretend to be faithful to me - but to be sending nude pictures to the opposite sex - and married at that! she's HELPING a MM to look at a naked woman. i'm no prude - but if she's willing to do this to a MM - then how does she respect and value marriage = she doesn't! her actions show you that. it's enough for me to say - NO MORE.

 

i'd text her... while she's away. drop her dog off - you owe her nothing more than a text. to see her again might sicken you just to look at her.

 

she's not worth making an effort for.

[sb129]

Honestly, JoeNobody. You sound like a sane and well balanced individual. If you want to keep it that way, I think you already know what to do here.

 

I agree- Joe, you are almost being TOO rational and nice about this.

 

Do you really think there can be a positive resolution that will result in you regaining full trust?

 

I highly doubt it. She sounds like she has far too many issues, and that those will end up resurfacing again and again.

 

Its almost like she wanted to get caught too, leaving her computer like that.

 

There are lots of girls out there that wouldn't do this to you- go find one of them.

[JoeNobody]

Just so everybody knows, this dog actually does love the day care place that he goes to. Lots of toys, etc. Good for him, bad for her($$).

 

At this point she seems like an awful, horrible woman. You have only heard bad things but none of the good stuff. There is a lot of good though. Trust me. That is why I am/was so crazy about her. I do realize that she did an awful thing, of course. But in reality she is actually very sweet to me in many ways. She does lots of thoughtful things. I could go into long detail but I will spare you. Just trust me, she is very caring towards me in person. I know you think it's fake but it's not.

 

Anyway, I have been thinking about this a lot, obviously. And I would like to play devil's advocate for just a minute and speculate about what her case will be. Do not shoot at me until you hear me out okay.

 

I know what she will tell me when I confront her. She will say something about how the naked pics occurred five months ago and she never did anything like that ever again. She realized it was a huge mistake when she did it and it was just a one time thing. She will also point out the fact that she has not actually been with this man in person and that this strictly phone stuff or e-mail or whatever.

 

Also, she will claim that she and I did not get fully locked and loaded in our relationship until the beginning of February. If I recall correctly she and I might have agreed on something in february about going from just "boyfriend/girlfriend" to the next level of being really serious. She will say that after she and I firmed that up then she stopped communicating with him. Again, I would like to re-emphasize the point that there was no email communication between them from the very beginning of February through the middle of June. That part I do feel fairly confident about.

 

Also of note, she did tell me about him a couple of time before I found out on my own. She could have very well concealed him from me altogether.

 

Honestly, in my opinion, when we are together it is truly great in so many ways. Please do not make a snap judgment on me here. I know it is easy for you to dismiss my point on this and chalk it up to me being blind. But it's really not like that. Actually, the fact that we seem to have such a bond in person makes this whole other thing even less understandable.

 

In the end it will probably come down to that one thing. Can we resolve the naked pics from 5 months ago? That part is obviously gigantic. The other things she did are all bothersome but they could probably be overcome.

[White Dove]

In the end it will probably come down to that one thing. Can we resolve the naked pics from 5 months ago? That part is obviously gigantic. The other things she did are all bothersome but they could probably be overcome.

 

I understand perfectly what you have stated.

 

It is really up to you, JoeNobody. I can't tell you to end it because I do not know her personally. But is it something that you can live with for the rest of your life with her -- knowing that Albert has naked pics of your gf?

 

If you can, then give her another chance. I think from now on, if you decide to be with her -- she will have to be an open book with you.

[JoeNobody]

I suppose I'm a little mean, but if it were me, I'd send a copy of one of the naked pics to my cell and then text it to her. No words, nothing.

 

If you want to drop off the dog, I'd send a follow up text telling her she can pick the dog up at the kennel when she returns. I'd ignore any attempts at contact from her (at least for a good long while). Let her stew in it.

This actually does sound like a good option. I especially like the part about sending her a text message with one of the pics but nothing else.

 

Instead of me going to her it would put the shoe on the other foot. She would have to come to me.

Edited June 20, 2010 by JoeNobody

[JoeNobody]

sadintexas your words make a lot of sense to me.

 

I DO think that it is extremely important for a person to take a stand when they have been spit on. That is what I was trying to get at with my earlier post but your idea is much better.

 

Tell me what you think of this plan.

 

First of all, I will collect all of my things from her place on Sunday. Get that out of the way.

 

On tuesday she will arrive at the airport at 6 pm for a 7 pm departure which arrives here at 9 pm.

 

Before she gets on the plane I will send her a text message with the naked picture of her. As you suggested to me, no comments or anything. Just the picture itself. She will know exactly what it is as soon as she sees it.

 

Then I can send a second text message to her stating that the dog has been dropped off at the animal boarding house for overnight stay and she will also need to find her own ride home from the airport.

 

She will panic and call me and text me. I won't answer. She will have to think about it on the whole 2 hour flight. She will wonder how I found out. When she gets here the cab will cost her about 65 dollars. The boarding will cost another 40.

 

If/when she comes racing over to my place I will give her the speech that I prepared. But now it will be on my turf and I will be in a much better position. By the time she gets off the plane and does everything(luggage, taxi, etc.) it will be midnight or so before she could get to my place. That means that at a minimum she will have to sweat this for 5 or 6 hours.

 

And if she never shows up then oh well. I guess I wasn't worth it to her to undo the damage she caused.

Edited June 20, 2010 by JoeNobody

[AttillatheHun]

I am sorry you have had to experience this.

 

On the other hand, you have shown true character in your handling of a situation that would send the best of us into a flying rage.

 

I do understand many of your points, however. It is easy for people to give the usual 'dump her and move on' line without knowing how deeply emotions run.

 

I advise you not to be so vindictive in your actions. Give her a chance to tell her side of the story, and going from her response, you can judge whether she is worthy of your anger or forgiveness. Having said that, however, she better have some damn good reasons for the said actions if she hopes for forgiveness.

[AttillatheHun]

Can you list some damned good reasons where this (the pic situation) is acceptable? It might be forgivable (that's up to Joe) but it's never acceptable.

 

Yes! Joe, that's exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of. My critique is this (1) don't even mention her needing a ride, she'll infer that esp when you text her to tell her the dog is at the kennel. If you were going to be at the airport why would you have to let her know that in advance? And if it takes her 30 mins or an hour of waiting to see if you show, oh well. A little more panic time (which is good) (2) After you send her the pic and then the text, turn your voice mail off on your phone, then turn your phone off for the night. First you don't want her to leave you voice mails...it'll be hard to hear her in that state. You don't want to hear incoming texts or calls because each one will be harder than the previous not to answer.

 

Now, my advice (1) Print out relevant material about emotional affairs. She will defend herself against any allegation of cheating. You have to show her otherwise. Give her those materials. (2) Let her do the talking. Don't tell her what you know or where you got the information (if you choose to reveal later, that's your choice, but for now the focus needs to be on her actions, not how you know) (3) If you can, step back (even if it takes some time) and process what she says before you make any decision.

 

Good luck with all of this. I really hope it works out for you in the best way possible.

 

Did I ever say that what she did was acceptable? No.

 

Hence my point of forgiveness. All I am saying, is that her reasons for doing what she did might be a lot more complex than we think. Or she could simply be a silly, selfish girl looking for some extra attention on the side, as everyone on here is purporting. Of course, it doesn't make her actions acceptable. What determines her character and if she can be forgiven will be her reasons for doing what she did.

 

Never assume.

 

(2) Let her do the talking. Don't tell her what you know or where you got the information (if you choose to reveal later, that's your choice, but for now the focus needs to be on her actions, not how you know) (3) If you can, step back (even if it takes some time) and process what she says before you make any decision.

 

Pretty much what I said.