difficulty moving on.

[Ckyh]

hi all,

 

hope somebody can give me some advice on what i should do.

 

My ex and i broke up last November and it was i who initiated it. His mum has parkinsons and i believe that, him seeing her ill over the years, changed him as a person. the months before we split up we were snappy with one another and hardly spoke much. he would tell me that he felt numb and nothing i did would cheer him up. He was antisocial with his friends, did not go out with mine and would make snidy comments about me spending more time with my friends, than him, and when we were together, all we ever did most times was sit at his flat and he would cook as he enjoyed it. we hardly went out anymore. if he was to socialise, he would just meet up with his best friend at his flat and that was about it. however, he would still try to do things to cheer me up when we were out occasionally and did silly things which still make me smile when i think about it today. Anyhow, to cut long story short (my full story is on another thread if you're interested), he was talking about marriage, but said he wouldnt buy a flat with me and that he would buy with his brother instead, so that his mum could live more comfortably. (its what a great son would do). this shattered my hopes and dreams with him and terrified me when i thought about the future. how we would cope with children, emotional, financial - as his bro chose a house that cost much more than my ex was expecting (they shared a mortgage and it meant that the majority of his salary went on that). anyhow, i was approaching 30 and decided i needed to make a decision in life. stay with him and live with his mum/brother and deal with the emotional hardships and possibly coping with a bf that would be more and more emotionally drained as his mum's condition worsened, or find someone more compatible and was more available emotionally - my ex would keep his feelings closed off. if anything is happening with his family or if he felt sad about his mum, he would not tell me as he said it did not concern me...

 

because of these factors, i decided to end it and now so many months down the line, i still cant forget him and still love and miss him dearly. everything around me reminds me of him, including our dog, which he has now given to me and wants nothing to do with. i did NC for around 6 months and was fine about it as i was always out and about and had no time to sit and remember the past, but a month or so ago, everything just hit me as i was down with a virus and since then, i have not been able to forget him. its almost like our split has only just hit me. he's told me that he's moved on and no longer has feelings for me, hence i'm trying so hard to forget him, but i cant seem to do it. i've been sending him pics of our dog (i know, its a terrible thing to do, but i know pics of our dog will make him smile esp as he has had so many bad things happen to him, and esp now, with his mum's condition). he seems to be much more sociable now with his friends and is constantly out. he's started smoking a lot now (he quit for me when we were dating) and seems to have lost weight. everything i do and see on a daily basis reminds me of him. my dog, any music, my room, friends, outside my office where he has once stood to meet me for lunch - where he looked so happy to see me. its so hard. i also saw him recently at a mutual friend's bday and he refused to hug me when i saw him but he hugged everyone else he saw. My friend had karaoke and my ex and i used to always do duets. my ex did some solos then someone chose a song we used to sing together, it was too much for me and i had to go hide in the toilet and cry. i know that if we were to get back together (this will never happen as i know its over and he would never give me another chance...if he did, it would be the third time. but first time was baby love and only infatuation as he said)...i need to pick up some stuff at some point off him in the next few weeks and was going to give him an early birthday card and calendar with pics of our dog as i know i wont be seeing him anytime soon (i know i shouldnt be doing this - but its likely he'll throw it away anwyays)...i dont know what to do with myself now. i know if i was to give advice out to someone who was in my situation, i would just say, go cold turkey, NC forever, but its so much easier said than done. i feel so pathetic and i know a lot of you that have been dumped will just say, good, you deserve it as you did the dumping...and in a way, i feel the same way too...

Edited June 19, 2010 by Ckyh

[chooch]

hi. I'm sorry to hear about it all, especially given the circumstances. Relationships and love are funny things.

 

I agree about how hard it is to go no contact though. I'm trying very hard myself but with anyone who was once a big part of your life it's very hard to fill the void they left behind. Even if things weren't necessarily working out for the best between you before it ended...

 

We both subscribe to the 'cold turkey/NC' idea and I guess we can just keep trying. Hopefully things will get easier with time...

 

Sorry if this isn't useful. I just wanted to give something back to these boards. They're a big help to air your feelings and talk. Use them when you need.

[Ckyh]

Hi chooch,

 

thanks a lot for replying even if it hadn't answered the question I had. It's still nice to hear a response.

 

I wish you and I the best of luck!!! X

 

Has anybody else been in my situation before? It would be great to hear about it...

 

Thanks in advance.

 

C x

[Ckyh]

....am i really the only person that has been in this situation? has nobody else ever been in any other similar situations before?

[lovesick27]

no you're not the only person in that situation... in fact our stories are extremely similar. my ex and i also broke up in november and i was also the one who initiated it... felt strongly that i made the right decision until about 4-5 months later when i realized i had given up too soon. but it was too late.

 

i think, and maybe other people here won't agree, but in some ways it's easier to be the one dumped... maybe not at first, but at least you can get angry at the other person and feel that they didn't deserve you after all. if you're the dumper and later regret it, you only have yourself to blame, which is really hard to live with. you feel you deserve the pain... you feel like you can't trust yourself to make the right decisions... etc. i know, i've been there. regret is a terrible emotion to live with.

 

with regard to my situation, the ex and i have never gone NC. we've hung out pretty often since our breakup, because certain life circumstances made it impossible for us not to see a lot of each other for awhile, and also because we missed each other. so i know the best advice probably is "NC" but unfortunately i don't have experience with it and so i can't really say.

 

what i will say is this: when exactly did you start regretting the breakup and wanting to get back together? it's when you saw he was doing well, looking good, hanging out with his friends more, right? and you were sick with a virus. in other words, you were down, and he was looking good. so if you want to try and win him back (or get over him), you have to do the same thing: as hard as it sounds (and i know it's hard, believe me), you have to try and go out, meet new people, and at least ACT like you're getting over it, even if you're not. don't be too available, don't bring him a birthday card with a picture of your dog in it.

 

i am actually trying to win her back, and i went through a couple of embarassing drunken nights where i was crying and begging her to take me back, basically looking desperate. not good, this just pushed her further away. now i have revisioned my stance and am attempting to be a little bit more cool and i think it's helping. so i don't know the best advice to give, other then try and hang back, improve your own life, make him wonder how YOU are and what YOU'RE up to. if you don't ened up getting him back at least you'll improve your own life.

[spiderowl]

I don't know why you have suddenly started to feel the loss of your ex but you weren't happy with him. You need to remember that. It wasn't just the situation with his mum, there were lots of other reasons. He wasn't going the same way as you. I think he could have done things differently to make you feel more wanted and still help his mum. Why couldn't he have bought a house with you, for instance; were you not working or something? Was his brother earning more? He didn't have to spend too much on the house with his brother. He would have had to sign something to agree to a mortgage so it can't simply be that his brother decided to spend more than he would have done.

 

Something was not quite right with the situation with your ex. Many people have elderly and sick parents but still manage to love their partners and make them feel wanted and considered. He doesn't seem to have managed this so maybe at some level you detected he wasn't making you a priority. He decided about the house not you and yet if you were a couple it should be a joint decision. It seems he didn't want to include you. This could be because he wasn't feeling as committed as you were. Why that happened, I don't know, but you did mention if you got together again it would be a third time so obviously things were shaky before.

 

I don't think sending him pictures of the dog helps anyone. The message is "look at me, look at our dog, look at what we had together". He's not going to want to be drawn into a relationship again by such emotional tactics. It will push him away if anything. If you really want him back (after considering all the things that spoiled this relationship in the first place), then you need to keep cool, pleasant and unconcerned about his behaviour. Anything else will simply feel like emotional blackmail to him. Trust me, something similar happened to me after I split up with an ex and I didn't like it one bit. I actually felt angry that he would resort to such tactics.

 

You felt it should end, and you ended it, then you busied yourself with other things for a while and then perhaps it hit you that he'd never really been there for you in a deep, emotional sense. Maybe this is a delayed form of grief at the loss of a relationship. It would be a rare person who wanted to end a relationship that mattered to them. We are all hurt deep down when that's necessary. Maybe you just didn't expect it to hurt as it was your decision. I can understand that as I'm going through something like that now myself. I don't think going back to the previously unsatisfactory situation will really help you but realising that it was genuinely unsatisfactory, might help you to move on.

Edited June 27, 2010 by spiderowl

[brokenamy]

going through the same thing (realized 6 months after I left that I made a HUGE mistake) I have spoken to a psychic and given the Zakats she recommended (I know, many won't understand) and slowly, we seem to be mending. We went from him not talking to me to him taking me out on my bday to lunch AND dinner and finally leaving his rebound last night to spending the night with me. We are moving in this week and continuing counseling. Have faith and listen to your heart. He is angry right now and he feels betrayed and abandoned. Give him time and space.

[Ckyh]

i think, and maybe other people here won't agree, but in some ways it's easier to be the one dumped... maybe not at first, but at least you can get angry at the other person and feel that they didn't deserve you after all. if you're the dumper and later regret it, you only have yourself to blame, which is really hard to live with. you feel you deserve the pain... you feel like you can't trust yourself to make the right decisions... etc. i know, i've been there. regret is a terrible emotion to live with.

 

with regard to my situation, the ex and i have never gone NC. we've hung out pretty often since our breakup, because certain life circumstances made it impossible for us not to see a lot of each other for awhile, and also because we missed each other. so i know the best advice probably is "NC" but unfortunately i don't have experience with it and so i can't really say.

 

what i will say is this: when exactly did you start regretting the breakup and wanting to get back together? it's when you saw he was doing well, looking good, hanging out with his friends more, right? and you were sick with a virus. in other words, you were down, and he was looking good. so if you want to try and win him back (or get over him), you have to do the same thing: as hard as it sounds (and i know it's hard, believe me), you have to try and go out, meet new people, and at least ACT like you're getting over it, even if you're not. don't be too available, don't bring him a birthday card with a picture of your dog in it.

 

hey lovesick,

 

thanks for the response. hmm...actually, i think i'm looking in a better state now than him. he's started smoking again and has been going out so i guess that has made his skin break out, given him eye bags and has made him lose weight (he's skinny as it is already!)

 

i missed him and felt regret as i was remembering all the good times we had and it upset me that i would never experience those happy times with him again. we've shared too many memories..!

 

i guess seeing him being his social self again in photos etc did make me feel a bit sad as he was the total opposite of that during the last year or so we were together - like i mentioned before, towards the end, he never wanted to go out, didn't socialise etc...so making him single forced him to revert back to how he used to be...ah well...must move on. i have to say, i do feel a little bit better now and in a way am a lil excited at what life will throw at me next (in terms of relationships) - i just hope it will be a relationship that makes us both happy and positive in life! and i'm hoping it isnt YEARS AND YEARS from now..i'm not getting any younger! lol...

 

you're right. i'm not gonna send him the calendar anymore now. no point.

 

good luck with your situation! hope all works out for the best. x

[Ckyh]

I don't know why you have suddenly started to feel the loss of your ex but you weren't happy with him. You need to remember that. It wasn't just the situation with his mum, there were lots of other reasons. He wasn't going the same way as you. I think he could have done things differently to make you feel more wanted and still help his mum. Why couldn't he have bought a house with you, for instance; were you not working or something? Was his brother earning more? He didn't have to spend too much on the house with his brother. He would have had to sign something to agree to a mortgage so it can't simply be that his brother decided to spend more than he would have done.

 

Something was not quite right with the situation with your ex. Many people have elderly and sick parents but still manage to love their partners and make them feel wanted and considered. He doesn't seem to have managed this so maybe at some level you detected he wasn't making you a priority. He decided about the house not you and yet if you were a couple it should be a joint decision. It seems he didn't want to include you. This could be because he wasn't feeling as committed as you were. Why that happened, I don't know, but you did mention if you got together again it would be a third time so obviously things were shaky before.

 

I don't think sending him pictures of the dog helps anyone. The message is "look at me, look at our dog, look at what we had together". He's not going to want to be drawn into a relationship again by such emotional tactics. It will push him away if anything. If you really want him back (after considering all the things that spoiled this relationship in the first place), then you need to keep cool, pleasant and unconcerned about his behaviour. Anything else will simply feel like emotional blackmail to him. Trust me, something similar happened to me after I split up with an ex and I didn't like it one bit. I actually felt angry that he would resort to such tactics.

 

You felt it should end, and you ended it, then you busied yourself with other things for a while and then perhaps it hit you that he'd never really been there for you in a deep, emotional sense. Maybe this is a delayed form of grief at the loss of a relationship. It would be a rare person who wanted to end a relationship that mattered to them. We are all hurt deep down when that's necessary. Maybe you just didn't expect it to hurt as it was your decision. I can understand that as I'm going through something like that now myself. I don't think going back to the previously unsatisfactory situation will really help you but realising that it was genuinely unsatisfactory, might help you to move on.

 

Hi spiderowl,

 

Thank you soo much for your reply, i think you might have 'hit the nail on the head' and its reminded me of why we had to split.

 

I am working and wouldve happily bought with him even if it meant i forked out more money even though i don't make that much more than him, but he didnt have much savings to go towards a deposit with me and he wanted to buy with his bro anyway (his bro had a big deposit/salary) so they could give his mum a more comfortable life. and you are right, if he really wanted to spend less, he could have opened up his mouth and told his brother...but he didn't. that did disappoint me a lot when i found out...

 

it is a shame that things didn't work out and in a way, it is probably for the best. if this was to happen when i was 39 instead of 29, that would've been a far worse situation for me to be in.

 

we actually went out when i was 18 - it was 'puppy love' and didn't really last very long (8 months or so?) as i went off to uni after we split. i went out with two guys during our split and kept doing the comparison thing (BAD IDEA ) the real relationship is the one that just ended. so realistically, can kinda ignore the first relationship we had together...hmm....that has just reminded me of another thing. the one thing that annoys me about him is knowing the fact that he really did love me (i know he did), but was always the type of person that is so 'black and white'. he was always either in things 100% or not. and because i split up with him, he decided, that's it. she no longer feels the same way, so i wont ever get back with her and i'm not going to try get her back as her. Most people in a relationship i have known of/heard of, has always tried to 'win' back the person and try to give things another go. my ex has never been that type and it drives me crazy. he can block things out of his life by 'numbing things out'...as you can tell, this means that this is the first time we have ever had a split in the relationship. we've hardly ever argued as he prefers to talk or just shut me out until i calm down. urgh... (thanks for making me remember spiderowl! i also just remembered what my parents said to me..what would happen if you were married and he was unwilling to compromise, would he just give up as he is so 'black and white'? >_<)

 

anyhow...being in a relationship needs give and take and him being so set in putting his mum in the number one position and not really giving me much of a say did send alarm bells ringing and that's probably the final straw that forced me to make that decision. even though he was an amazing bf, its not fair on me to have to sacrifice what i want in life and its not fair on him to have to choose. its sad, but we both need someone who is on the same 'path' and i guess we just weren't the right person for each other.

 

and you're right, it was a shock that it hurt me a lot all of a sudden as i didn't feel anything initially, especially as all his flaws were etched into my head as i was experiencing it everyday during that period. and i guess in a way, you'd expect dumpers to not to feel anything...(!) *dumpees, take note, its not true - if the relationship ever mattered to the dumper as spiderowl said*

 

i really do hope the right person is out there for all of us, including you spiderowl. you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and am mature enough to be in a good relationship.

 

*big hugs*

 

thank you! i am feeling more positive now. i hope i can stay this way... x