sadtoend Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Hi all, I'm feeling really down, and not sure how I feel about my relationship. I'm a 27 yr old female, been with my fiancee for 5 years and engaged for over a year. We have lived together pretty much the whole time. Up until we were engaged (about a few months afterwards, when I postponed the wedding) I thought this was it, and I was so happy to spend the rest of my life with him. The past year I feel up and down, I consider whether I want to be in this relationship almost every day. He is a great guy, hard worker, social etc etc but I don't feel crazy about him anymore. Is it normal to feel this way? should I still be feeling madly in love? we just went on a months trip, and we get along so well, but I don't feel romantic about him. I really care about him and his well being, and I worry that these feeling are normal after a long time, and that maybe I would throw away a great husband and future Dad. ahhhhh I'm so confused, but I find myself thinking of other men, and I don't enjoy sex with him... but I care about him so much... I know I'm not ready to marry him... please share your experiences, I have no friends who are in relationships this long who I can talk to Thanks in advance
MsRight Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I know I'm not ready to marry him... It sounds like you already know. I'll give you a little of my perspective, but take it with a grain of salt, considering I don't know where my marriage will end up. My situation sounds somewhat like yours. Sometimes I was so convinced he was right, I was so excited to have him, I would ask him all the time about what we would be like when we were older, just because I loved talking together about us being with each other for our entire lives. I used to calculate how many anniversaries we might celebrate if we lived to a certain age. Then, there were times when I feel less in love with and enamored of him. We broke up once early in our relationship, and I dated someone else for a while, but we got back together (obviously). And there is now. So I myself am trying to figure out if I should have listened to those doubts more back then, or not gotten back together with him. But, I don't think I'll ever know. Maybe if we divorced we'd both find someone that is a better match, maybe not. Wish I could offer something more solid than that...
Lecturer Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 You're considering marrying a person that you don't enjoy having sex with? Marrying a person while you find yourself thinking of others? That is disaster waiting to happen. You will be unhappy, or you will cheat, or you will break up eventually anyway. Probably all of the above.
Married_and_Lonely Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 (edited) What I'm about to tell you is why I still wish someone had shared with me before I got married. I was young too and didn't have any friends to lean on with marriage experience, so here is me trying to be that friend for you. Be honest with yourself (and for this once be a little selfish). Don't think about the feelings of your boyfriend and your desire to protect them. Why do you feel this way? Is it loss of attraction? Incompatibility? Fear of missing out or of commitment to one person? Carefully assess your feelings because this could easily be the ingredients of a lonely, disappointing, sexless marriage. It may seem difficult now to end your relationship because of the feelings involved and the pressure from family and friends to go through with the marriage, settle down, and start a family (the expectations of society), but it'll only get harder and harder to separate the longer you wait. I experienced your feelings and doubts before my marriage but I wasn't sure what I wanted, so I took the easiest path, the one with the least resistance, and got married and started a family. I'm still married and trying to make it work, but it's never been as easy for me as marriage should be for a young couple and the lack of satisfying sex and affection has eaten away at me for most of my 8 years of marriage. Now we've added 2 young kids to the mix and the decision for me is personal fulfillment vs the happiness of my children. So have the courage now to trust your gut, because 10 years from now that decision will be 100x more complicated. I'd suggest you split up for a while, find somewhere else to live for a while, and realize that forever is a really long time. Marriage is so difficult that I believe you need to be madly in love with whoever you choose to marry and still be having passionate, satisfying sex at the time you're getting married. Anything less than a strong bond from the outset is going to face long odds in surviving. Edited June 21, 2010 by Married_and_Lonely
Murphy1967 Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I have to agree with wellbelieve it. I posted something today which will probably make me look like your partner, and I believe that my own spouse's feelings of me have plagued us for years. In the end, you aren't doing him, or yourself, any favors. Your feelings for him, or the lack thereof, will only fuel difficulties for the both of you as time passes. I think a frank and honest discussion with him about your feelings is required at this point in time. Don't delude yourself into thinking that it will just get better over time. IMHO. Good luck!
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