SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) Im really a bit pissed off at the moment heres the situation a few months ago I had a falling out with a good friend. Who happed to be the partner of one of my current bfs male friends. Now with out going into exactly what happed im just going to say me and my partner made a bad choice and it pissed off our friends and rightfully so I guess. But not to the degree they took it as it wasn't anything overly horrible nothing that if we had all sat down as adults and talked about couldent have been sorted out. Insted she got extremely abusive to me and I in turn did the same to her needless to say were not friends anymore ok thats fine. Moveing on the thing that pisses me off is we still live in the same small town togher. So totaly avoiding these people is impossible I guess what gets me is they treat my partner like nothing happed and treat me like im the evil b*tch! Even going as far as to go out of their way to bad mouth me to my partners family! Now keep in mind that my partner was there and actualy encouraceing me to make said bad desion back then. Im not saying I wasn't to fault but so was he! now whats happening is if these people see him out in public they wave and are nice to him and he then waves back. And that just racks me off a bit that tho it wasn't all my fault Im the one who got tossed under the pervebral bus! while he still acts like all is fine and dandy. Im quite annoyed that he diden't stand up and accept some responsibility for his part in things why do I have to be the total scape goat? Am I wrong for being pissed at him? how do I best handle this what do I say to him? I dont want to make a huge deal about it but its really starting to get to me the way he keeps interacting with these people. He just told me before that she saw him at work and said hello all friendly and he said hello back! Tho he said he dident realize who it was untill afterwards guess he had his back turned but still im like WTF? Please any advice much appreciated LS. Edited June 19, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 No one? I know its like early morning over there guys but still it says theres 140 something viewing dating so some one toss spanks a bone here please! lol.. He will be home in 2 and a half hours and all tho im trying to not think about it im still a bit racked up! I know I need to adress the prob but Im just not sure the best way...
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 How about sitting down and telling him how you feel? If you're hurt, tell him that. Tell him that you certainly aren't going to tell him who he can or can't be friends with, but you feel as though you've taken the friendship fall here and it hurts your feelings that he's continuing on in a friendly relationship with people who are treating you like the plague. Then, after you've expressed how you feel, let it drop. He then gets to choose how he will respond to your hurt (if at all).
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) How about sitting down and telling him how you feel? If you're hurt, tell him that. Tell him that you certainly aren't going to tell him who he can or can't be friends with, but you feel as though you've taken the friendship fall here and it hurts your feelings that he's continuing on in a friendly relationship with people who are treating you like the plague. Then, after you've expressed how you feel, let it drop. He then gets to choose how he will respond to your hurt (if at all). I have kinda before and his response is to laugh it off I don't know if hes doing that to rack me up more or cause he cant deal with it himself hes done that about a few things. Can you get thu to some one like that and if so how? I honestly get the impression that he just hates confrontation of any kind so he just avoids it totally in his own way. Hes not a cruel person by nature hes a really sweet good hearted guy so its not that hes just being a total @ss ya know what I mean? Edited June 19, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I have kinda before and his response is to laugh it off I don't know if hes doing that to rack me up more or cause he cant deal with it himself hes done that about a few things can you get thu to some one like that? I wasn't able to, no. My ex was extremely conflict avoidant; so much so, that he laughed during uncomfortable situations, much like your partner. I was chewing out our landlord for a very good reason, and he stood there, laughing. Later he said "Yeah, we had a nice good cop/bad cop thing going there, didn't we?" I would try again, but if he's just not hearing you then you either need to accept that this is how he simply chooses to deal with uncomfortable situations or find someone else who is capable of listening to you when you're in pain.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 I wasn't able to, no. My ex was extremely conflict avoidant; so much so, that he laughed during uncomfortable situations, much like your partner. I was chewing out our landlord for a very good reason, and he stood there, laughing. Later he said "Yeah, we had a nice good cop/bad cop thing going there, didn't we?" I would try again, but if he's just not hearing you then you either need to accept that this is how he simply chooses to deal with uncomfortable situations or find someone else who is capable of listening to you when you're in pain. Yeah I see thanks for the reply yeah he would totaly be like that sounds like they are twins! lol.. What gets me is hes a really great guy other then this. Some times if I realy blow up it seams to get thu just a tiney bit but honestly I dont wanna be that kinda person. I want to just talk like adults and be herd and have my feelings considered. Instead of him just thinking oh spanks is going off her nut again oh hum oh well she will get over it ya know? Ill sit him down tonight and try to tell him calmely that this issue is really bothering me. And if it dosent change it may start to affect our relationship. Great timing were going on our 1st year anaversery soon and hes been so happy about that we both have so this would be a really sad time to call it quits but its so darn frustrating
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 FWIW, I'm not advocating either way. I still married my ex, despite his conflict avoidance. But I can tell you that it really became a problem in our relationship. I've discovered that terminally conflict avoidant people not only get uncomfortable when you express hurt or pain, but are unable to express their own frustrations and hurt about the relationship, too. They may be great communicators about everything else, but put on a "everything's ok" face when it comes to problems and issues that truly need to be discussed. His desire "not to upset me" by bringing up issues that were making him unhappy eventually led to his affair and, our divorce. I'm certainly not saying you're doomed and that it's a foregone conclusion you'll head down that path by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just saying that loving a conflict avoidant person is a challenge, because you never really KNOW if they're "fine" or not. It can be taxing. Let us know how it went. I hope you were somehow able to get through to him.
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 FWIW, I'm not advocating either way. I still married my ex, despite his conflict avoidance. But I can tell you that it really became a problem in our relationship. I've discovered that terminally conflict avoidant people not only get uncomfortable when you express hurt or pain, but are unable to express their own frustrations and hurt about the relationship, too. They may be great communicators about everything else, but put on a "everything's ok" face when it comes to problems and issues that truly need to be discussed. His desire "not to upset me" by bringing up issues that were making him unhappy eventually led to his affair and, our divorce. I'm certainly not saying you're doomed and that it's a foregone conclusion you'll head down that path by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just saying that loving a conflict avoidant person is a challenge, because you never really KNOW if they're "fine" or not. It can be taxing. Let us know how it went. I hope you were somehow able to get through to him. Yeah thats how I feel its like im always wondering whats going thu his head! With me if im upset he will know your right it really can be a very tiring situation. Well when he came home last night I was still stewing a little but I managed to keep myself calm. I told him how the hole situation was uppsetting me and how I felt it was ok for me to get tossed under the bus for him save face witch is just not cool in my book! He asked me if I think hes a avoident person I said yes and he said im right! There was a little back and forth for a while he tried to make it like I was just "blowing things out of porporshion again" But I think once he saw I was genuinely upset he realized I told him I need him to be a bit more supportive of me he said he will. So we will see how it goes now I guess if my message sunk in or not. To me I give my partner 100 of my loyalty and I need that back in return if not then it could very well be a deal breaker. Hes also quite annoyed at the guy for going behind our backs to bfs family and trying to start crap that way. The thing is tho hes the kinda guy who will only get his rocks off if you confront him so neither of us know how to really deal with that situation mind you this guy is in his mid 40s We also talked about moveing out of the area with in the next 6 monthes or so be nice to get a fresh start thanks again for your reply much appreciated
hats Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 How is this his problem and not yours? And what exactly do you want him to do about it?
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) How is this his problem and not yours? And what exactly do you want him to do about it? Well because he was part of the thing that pissed off our joint friends as well to begin with. So there for he was just as much responsible for it as me. How ever he chose not to face up to it and instead I was flagged as being totally at fault result. They treat me like sh*t and him like nothing happed I want him to man up and except his part in things and not let me be totally tossed under the bus. You see to me if your with some one you support them totally there for his problems are mine and vice versa I would never say well thats your prob not mine to me thats not how relationships should work. Edited June 20, 2010 by SpanksTheMonkey
hats Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) So basically these people don't realize that he had a part in whatever you guys did, and you want him to confess to them? Or do they already know he had a part and just decided to only blame you anyway? If you're trying to resolve the issue with these people then you should work it out with them personally. If you just want them to dislike him as much as they dislike you that just sounds selfish. Edited June 20, 2010 by hats
Author SpanksTheMonkey Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 So basically these people don't realize that he had a part in whatever you guys did, and you want him to confess to them? Or do they already know he had a part and just decided to only blame you anyway? If you're trying to resolve the issue with these people then you should work it out with them personally. If you just want them to dislike him as much as they dislike you that just sounds selfish. At this point ide say its more a issue between me and my partner I don't really give a hoot about those people anymore just as well. Is it really selfish to want your partner to back you up when things get bad instead of them trying to save face? wouldn't that shoe actually be on the other foot?
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