TheBigQuestion Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks, RS. I think I've tried to convince myself that I do want a long-term commitment because I still feel a bit guilty about what I've been doing, like it's bad or wrong. And that's silly, I know. I have been honest with the guys I've dated since my ex. I'm only 23, I'm vibrant, I'm attractive, I attract a lot of guys rather easily--why NOT have fun with it while it's still seen as acceptable to do so? Because unless you're absolutely honest with the guy about your intentions from the very beginning, and you commit firmly to being uncommitted, you're going to run into situations like this over and over again. You developed some pretty strong feelings for a guy with whom you wanted to remain in a casual relationship. He did the same. You got upset over something and then dropped him for it. The fact that you started to like each other at least somewhat intensely is where the problem arose. You can't expect to date casually while allowing yourself (or having the guy) to develop strong romantic feelings. If you're not ready to be at least moderately emotionally detached, and if the guys you're dating don't feel similarly, you're going to run into trouble. If you don't want this situation to arise again, don't behave in ways that facilitate it. It's simple.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 If I knew at 23 what I know now, 10 years later, I would have taken my relationships less seriously and had more lighthearted fun with guys.
AttillatheHun Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 (edited) If I knew at 23 what I know now, 10 years later, I would have taken my relationships less seriously and had more lighthearted fun with guys. Because sleeping around and racking up your numbers is such a worthy cause, and something to remember with pride . Do not follow this advice, people with this impulsive mindset do not get far in life, and end up doing themselves more harm than good. Unless you do not believe in monogamy, of course. Edited June 20, 2010 by AttillatheHun
Morals Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Because sleeping around and racking up your numbers is such a worthy cause, and something to remember with pride . Do not follow this advice, people with this impulsive mindset do not get far in life, and end up doing themselves more harm than good. Unless you do not believe in monogamy, of course. I agree with atilla on this one. And I'm also going to bite the bullet fir atilla, cause I'm sure RS will point this out. Atilla is not saying that sleeping around is bad, but it's not food either. Contrary to popular belief, most guys I know don't sleep around. They have steady girlfriends and enjoy their relationships. Not taking a relationship as serious is hard to do. It's something that has to be bluntly stated too. There is no subtle or roundabout way to say "I want a casual relationship.".
Author tigressA Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I agree with atilla on this one. And I'm also going to bite the bullet fir atilla, cause I'm sure RS will point this out. Atilla is not saying that sleeping around is bad, but it's not food either. Contrary to popular belief, most guys I know don't sleep around. They have steady girlfriends and enjoy their relationships. Not taking a relationship as serious is hard to do. It's something that has to be bluntly stated too. There is no subtle or roundabout way to say "I want a casual relationship.". Uhh, why would you even want to say it in a subtle or roundabout way? Speaking plainly is best, especially in situations like this--that way, everyone is clear on what's going on. I wouldn't tolerate someone who was trying to beat around the bush telling me he only wanted such-and-such. And why must casual dating always involve "sleeping around" and "racking up your numbers"? There were guys I dated over these last months with whom I didn't go beyond kissing.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 And why must casual dating always involve "sleeping around" and "racking up your numbers"? There were guys I dated over these last months with whom I didn't go beyond kissing. Exactly. Just because your mind automatically jumps to casual sex, don't assume ours do. "Lighthearted fun" does not equal "cheap sex". That you immediately link the two suggests you have a limited and dull idea of fun.
Morals Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Exactly. Just because your mind automatically jumps to casual sex, don't assume ours do. "Lighthearted fun" does not equal "cheap sex". That you immediately link the two suggests you have a limited and dull idea of fun. I can guarantee you that the men on the other side of the equation were not feeling the same "lighthearted" fun that you were. I have a feeling the only reason it didn't go beyond kissing is because you probably weren't interested in them in the first place. Casual dating that does not lead to sex is usually a byproduct of women manipulating the man into thinking he will have sex, but knowing full well she won't ever do that with him. I'm sorry, I'm all for fun, but there is no way in hell I would date a girl, especially for 3 months, call it a casual and not have sex. Not voluntarily at least. I'm willing to be most of the guys here would agree with me on this as well.
TheBigQuestion Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I can guarantee you that the men on the other side of the equation were not feeling the same "lighthearted" fun that you were. I have a feeling the only reason it didn't go beyond kissing is because you probably weren't interested in them in the first place. Casual dating that does not lead to sex is usually a byproduct of women manipulating the man into thinking he will have sex, but knowing full well she won't ever do that with him. I'm sorry, I'm all for fun, but there is no way in hell I would date a girl, especially for 3 months, call it a casual and not have sex. Not voluntarily at least. I'm willing to be most of the guys here would agree with me on this as well. This is more or less what I was getting at, although I'm not sure either of them said they'd date someone for that long only casually and not have sex. Still, I agree with the general principle. Purposely dating on a solely casual level, regardless of whether or not sex is involved, is still a tricky business from an emotional perspective. I've always thought that a better mentality to have towards dating is to not purposely look for a serious relationship but also to not purposely look for the opposite. People get hurt from misunderstandings that arise from dating all the time, and a lot of these have to do with what each person's initial intentions are from the beginning, and when one person's intentions evolve while the other's do not. It's very hard to make sure whether or not a person's intentions and needs are the same as yours, and I feel like trying to throw on labels or to place limits on your mentality on dating can be harmful, and unintentionally hurtful or misleading to whoever you are dating.
AttillatheHun Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Hahahaha. Morals and BQ pretty much reinforce my point all the more. I'm sorry, I'm all for fun, but there is no way in hell I would date a girl, especially for 3 months, call it a casual and not have sex. Not voluntarily at least. I'm willing to be most of the guys here would agree with me on this as well. I think (and I realise this is a big call) many women would agree with that as well. This is not the 1800's, as the idea of lengthy courtship before the 'relationship' becomes consumated, or so to speak, has dwindled massively. Now im not saying that jumping the gun on their first date is the rule, but then again, neither is having a relationship for three months without sex. So then again, what constitutes a 'casual relationship'? Please, RS, define exactly what you meant by 'lighthearted' fun. "Lighthearted fun" does not equal "cheap sex". That you immediately link the two suggests you have a limited and dull idea of fun. So, by that token, what does 'sex' in a casual relationship equate to? Or does your definition of 'lighthearted fun' include no sex in the equation?
Ruby Slippers Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Sex can definitely be lighthearted fun, but it's just one of many ways to have fun with a man. My point was that it's healthy, natural, and advisable for a woman like Tigress to have fun with men however she wants, including sexually, and she shouldn't worry about getting serious if that's not what she wants.
alphamale Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Do you agree? Am I potentially sabotaging my love life? yes i tend to agree with this statement, you have to be more flexible tigressA
Author tigressA Posted June 23, 2010 Author Posted June 23, 2010 And what in the hell is up with this "3 months without sex" thing? When did I ever say that I even dated all of the guys for that long? The two I mentioned in my post I dated for six months, and a little over one month, respectively, and I certainly didn't withhold sex. Most of the guys I only went out on a few dates with before things just kinda fizzled out for whatever reason--either he or I or both of us lost interest. No big deal, plenty of others in the sea, et cetera. Oh, and my definition of a casual relationship is merely not being exclusive.
Diezel Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 Sex can definitely be lighthearted fun, but it's just one of many ways to have fun with a man. My point was that it's healthy, natural, and advisable for a woman like Tigress to have fun with men however she wants, including sexually, and she shouldn't worry about getting serious if that's not what she wants. Most sensible thing I've read all day. People might take what Ruby said the wrong way, but damnit, it's on the SPOT.
AttillatheHun Posted June 23, 2010 Posted June 23, 2010 (edited) Why not say sex is just meaningless? Same thing as lighthearted. Hahaha. Precisely. First she makes this point- "Lighthearted fun" does not equal "cheap sex".Then she says this- Sex can definitely be lighthearted fun, but it's just one of many ways to have fun with a man. My point was that it's healthy, natural, and advisable for a woman like Tigress to have fun with men however she wants, including sexually, and she shouldn't worry about getting serious if that's not what she wants. If it's not casual or cheap or serious, then wtf is it? Lighthearted? Talk about beating around the bush. Oh dear, laughing so hard right now. Edited June 23, 2010 by AttillatheHun Spell check
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