tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I was talking to a friend today about my latest dating exploits. I told him I'd ended my "non-relationship" because I felt I was giving too much. My friend said, "Have you ever thought that perhaps you just immediately dismiss things when they're not going completely your way? You really do come off like that. You tend to be really hasty. Look at this situation--you were with a guy for six months. You said you clicked well, always had fun, sex was good--yet as soon as he said he wanted a commitment and you said you didn't, you threw him out like sour milk. When he gave you your spice rack back (I'd given it to him when he moved into his new place, and said I didn't want it back but he insisted) and he said he wouldn't mind still seeing you, you still refused. Did you ever think that if you'd just given it a little more time you could've fallen head over heels in love with him?" I said, "I didn't want to hurt him!" and he said "That's not the point. And look at this most recent guy--you've said that only one other guy has ever made you feel like he does, and you're so willing to throw that away over a little discomfort? You knew what he was like when you got involved; you knew he was ambitious, an academic, that that stuff would come first. Now you're dismissing him because of what you've known the whole time despite how you feel when you're with him? Despite the feelings you know he has for you?" I didn't really know what to say to any of that. I thought I was just standing up for what I wanted. But with the way my friend put things I really do end up looking like a spoiled brat who just wants everything her way all the time and instead of giving it time/talking it out when something goes "wrong", I just throw it all away. Do you agree? Am I potentially sabotaging my love life?
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Well, we do things in our lives as patterns; some are helpful to us, some are harmful. Are you questioning it because you've heard something like this - or wondered something like this - about yourself before?
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Well, we do things in our lives as patterns; some are helpful to us, some are harmful. Are you questioning it because you've heard something like this - or wondered something like this - about yourself before? Yeah, I have heard people describe me like this before--not using the term "spoiled brat" necessarily, but "hasty", "impulsive", "self-seeking", etc. I've also been told that it seems like it's a challenge to get truly close to me.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 So how have you reacted when told this before? Do YOU think you are sabotaging your love life? I think it would be difficult for strangers on a message board to make the assessment that you're a "spoiled brat" based off this one post. What your gut is really telling you is going the be the response that's actionable for you.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Usually I've reacted with hostility, like "Yeah, whatever, **** off!" which more often than not means that yeah, I have a bit of a problem. Looking back at my dating/love life I've done this in every single situation I've had. Something made me really upset or frustrated--something going "wrong" which usually meant it just wasn't exactly what I wanted--and I would just end it. Much of the time I would end up regretting it but then feel unable to go back and say so because I felt it would render me untrustworthy. Wishy-washy, all that.
JustJoe Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 TA, you have many wonderful qualities, you are witty , artistic, intelligent,honest (mostly), kind, affectionate and sexual. But you also sometimes come off as somewhat selfish, and impatient.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Well it sounds like you're learning how to communicate with yourself better. Perhaps you were just more receptive to hearing this particular friend because he approached it differently and/or you are just in a better place to finally receive it. My experience is that when people respond to news with hostility, it is because a "you are getting too close to the underlying truth" nerve has been hit. It sounds as if your pattern is to reject and not look back, and that you're maybe questioning whether that pattern is really serving you now. It sounds like there might be something here for you to really think about. I wonder if you are like how I used to be - very strongly logical "in your head" and very intolerant or impatient of emotions or mistakes in others, viewing them as "weaknesses" rather than normal and human? Sometimes it's easier for others to cut and run than to be vulnerable.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) Impatient, I've heard that one a lot too. Selfish, not so much, but yeah, it's been used. Perhaps this is relevant: I've been dumped only once in my life, by a guy I dated for less than 2 months, but I was absolutely devastated by it. I remember feeling soooooo angry that I didn't see the signs so I would've been able to end it myself, on my own terms. I've wondered a lot about a need to be in control of dating situations. Being the one to initiate, the "reacher"--whether starting or ending a relationship--suits my personality, I've found. Perhaps it's because I feel a need to be in control. Edited June 19, 2010 by tigressA
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) I think a natural reaction to being absolutely blindsided is to become almost hyper-controlling; the "I will NOT let that happen to me again." And if you already have control freak leanings, I think it can exacerbate those tendencies greatly. I reacted similarly when my ex-husband left me for another woman. After my divorce, I got involved and stayed with a man I didn't love, but who loved me, just because I always knew I'd be in control. With the wisdom of hindsight and experience, I now know it was destined for disaster, and I still got hurt. The "control" aspect is really just an illusion. As humans, we cannot avoid pain. I still struggle with the control aspect myself, but I've come to realize that I have to open myself up to the risk of being hurt again to reap the rewards. But now, I also know that I'm better equipped to deal with the pain when it visits me again. Edited June 19, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore
Cracker Jack Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I wouldn't say you're a "spoiled brat", as that seems to take it a bit too far. Perhaps you are a bit hasty, though. I mean, there's no such thing as perfect situation; there's going to be some things that'll raise red flags, but if you care, or are interested in the person enough, you'll find ways to work around it and go from there. Don't get me wrong; your heart is in the right place. Even though it hurts being dumped, at least you don't lead the guy on when you're not feeling it anymore--and you actually do care about the feelings of the person you're dating; that's a great quality to have. I believe your experience with being dumped didn't help, either--so that sorta placed you in defense mode, and place further emphasis on your outlook in deciding if you want to continue or end it before it's reversed on you. I just think you need to ask yourself "why you're so quick to give up on some of these guys?" But no, you're far from a brat in my book.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 It sounds like there might be something here for you to really think about. I wonder if you are like how I used to be - very strongly logical "in your head" and very intolerant or impatient of emotions or mistakes in others, viewing them as "weaknesses" rather than normal and human? Sometimes it's easier for others to cut and run than to be vulnerable. I don't think it's being "in my head" or logical. I think it's just me being very emotionally impulsive. If something is making me feel bad/annoyed/angry, I strongly identify with that emotion and don't really think of any other way to get rid of it other than ridding myself of what I feel to be the "root cause". If I actually try to talk things out but still don't get my way, I dump them.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Why do you fear vulnerability? That's a question that's come up a lot before. I think it's the usual "I don't want to get hurt" thing. But hurt is unavoidable, I know. I find I don't have an answer beyond that. Thanks, Cracker Jack. That is a good question to ask myself. With this most recent situation I feel like I screwed up. I know it isn't really going to go anywhere beyond a casual thing, but we really do like each other quite a bit and I feel so beyond amazing when I'm with him, though I rarely get to see him. I do realize now that another reason I ended it (besides feeling like I was giving too much, though I signed up for it) is because I'm worried I'll end up falling completely in love with him and things will end with even more heartbreak for me down the line than they would now.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I don't think it's being "in my head" or logical. I think it's just me being very emotionally impulsive. If something is making me feel bad/annoyed/angry, I strongly identify with that emotion and don't really think of any other way to get rid of it other than ridding myself of what I feel to be the "root cause". If I actually try to talk things out but still don't get my way, I dump them. So you react impulsively to whatever emotion you're feeling? I've struggled with that as well. I can problem solve and engineer something to death, but if I get really upset or hurt or afraid, then I can react impulsively as well. I think it's because I've spent my life (and was raised to) develop my "head" skills, but my "heart" skills weren't praised or valued and, consequently, are underdeveloped. At 36, I'm now working on not getting carried away by anger and hurt - learning how to feel these feelings, but not let them rule the day; and it's a struggle. I think the fact that you often regret your impulsive emotional reactions is very key, and something you will continue to repeat until you identify the root cause and work on the issue (if, indeed, it is something you want to work on).
Cracker Jack Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 No prob, TigressA. And your situation sounds perfectly normal, as most women tend to end things before it has a chance of growing due to fear. I believe that's your "defensive mechanism" kicking in right there. You honestly feel immense potential between you two, but you're not willing to risk it. Sometimes you just have to give it a try to find out, you know? While putting your eggs all in one basket can be difficult, sometimes it can have profound results, also. So, yes, falling in love with someone who makes you feel amazing leaves you prone to heartbreak--but really, is it fair to not at least give him a chance to prove himself in said department? He could've honestly been looking forward to giving you 110% of himself. Only a guess on my part, but it's possible. Mind you, I'm not trying to be negative or anything. I just think you should open up more and not have the idea of heartbreak at the back of your mind. That'll eat you up emotionally. You want to spend your time being happy, not dreading the likelihood that they'll inflict heartbreak upon you.
BS76 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I was talking to a friend today about my latest dating exploits. I told him I'd ended my "non-relationship" because I felt I was giving too much. My friend said, "Have you ever thought that perhaps you just immediately dismiss things when they're not going completely your way? You really do come off like that. You tend to be really hasty. Look at this situation--you were with a guy for six months. You said you clicked well, always had fun, sex was good--yet as soon as he said he wanted a commitment and you said you didn't, you threw him out like sour milk. When he gave you your spice rack back (I'd given it to him when he moved into his new place, and said I didn't want it back but he insisted) and he said he wouldn't mind still seeing you, you still refused. Did you ever think that if you'd just given it a little more time you could've fallen head over heels in love with him?" I said, "I didn't want to hurt him!" and he said "That's not the point. And look at this most recent guy--you've said that only one other guy has ever made you feel like he does, and you're so willing to throw that away over a little discomfort? You knew what he was like when you got involved; you knew he was ambitious, an academic, that that stuff would come first. Now you're dismissing him because of what you've known the whole time despite how you feel when you're with him? Despite the feelings you know he has for you?" I didn't really know what to say to any of that. I thought I was just standing up for what I wanted. But with the way my friend put things I really do end up looking like a spoiled brat who just wants everything her way all the time and instead of giving it time/talking it out when something goes "wrong", I just throw it all away. Do you agree? Am I potentially sabotaging my love life? There's a lot of research that would say yes, namely that people today have so many choices, particularly attractive women, that they are holding out for the "bigger better deal". Next thing you know you're 35, childless, and all the guys you're interested in are dating women 10 years younger than you or already have families of their own. Don't end up like another Lori Gottlieb.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 No prob, TigressA. And your situation sounds perfectly normal, as most women tend to end things before it has a chance of growing due to fear. I believe that's your "defensive mechanism" kicking in right there. You honestly feel immense potential between you two, but you're not willing to risk it. Sometimes you just have to give it a try to find out, you know? While putting your eggs all in one basket can be difficult, sometimes it can have profound results, also. So, yes, falling in love with someone who makes you feel amazing leaves you prone to heartbreak--but really, is it fair to not at least give him a chance to prove himself in said department? He could've honestly been looking forward to giving you 110% of himself. Only a guess on my part, but it's possible. Mind you, I'm not trying to be negative or anything. I just think you should open up more and not have the idea of heartbreak at the back of your mind. That'll eat you up emotionally. You want to spend your time being happy, not dreading the likelihood that they'll inflict heartbreak upon you. Thanks for this. It's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm sure that I can't take back what I said to him--well, I tried, and he's still pretty stuck on what I said, saying he feels bad he made me feel that way, and that perhaps he wouldn't be able to trust when I say I'm feeling good. Thing is, he didn't make me feel that way. I made myself feel that way. Now I just feel sad. I'm not sure what's going to happen with us now, but I just keep remembering giggling with him over silly things, him asking me what I'm thinking, his voice, the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way we cling to each other almost for dear life when waiting at the station for my departing train...yeah, I'm a sap. I feel silly for having likely thrown that and more away.
Morals Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Tigress, there is no reason not to apologize and try and make things right. Again this comes back to you wanting to be in control. Sometimes you have to bite your tongue, say you are truly deeply sorry, and be a little more humble. It makes people feel vulnerable to apologize in such a fashion. But sometimes that is what is needed.
Author tigressA Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 I already did try apologizing, but it wasn't enough. At least, not now. Perhaps not ever. I feel this sense of "If I try to talk to him about this again I'll seem desperate; I should just move on." And I think that's what he wants, from what he said. If I try to push my position it could be interpreted as me just wanting to get my way again instead of respecting his wishes. So I'm not going to talk to him anymore. The only thing we could do besides continue what we have is to make a clean break--a middle ground (i.e. friendship) would not work. Clean break it is...lesson learned.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 You strike me as someone who wants to date for a good time, not for something serious. I guess you will invest more into longevity when that is what you are ready for.
Hot Carl Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Do what comes natural. If you're a spoiled brat by nature, then that's just how you'll have to be. You wouldn't be happy doing things any other way anyway.
Crazy Magnet Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 You strike me as someone who wants to date for a good time, not for something serious. I guess you will invest more into longevity when that is what you are ready for. I too get the sense that right now you are not interested in pursuing anything long term, so I don't think there is any problem with you ending an R whenever you feel it is time for you to move on. Are you worried that when you do decide you are ready to get into a LTR that you will run as soon as something goes wrong? I think that impulse is normal if you've been hurt before. I know my first instinct is to run away because I tell myself the guy will never care enough to listen to my concerns or compromise. It took a long time but I realize that's on me, not on the guy. I have to give them a chance before I jump to that conclusion. The best lesson about feelings is that we are all in control of our own emotional reactions. I've never seen you as a spoiled brat though.
Author tigressA Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 I too get the sense that right now you are not interested in pursuing anything long term, so I don't think there is any problem with you ending an R whenever you feel it is time for you to move on. Are you worried that when you do decide you are ready to get into a LTR that you will run as soon as something goes wrong? I think that impulse is normal if you've been hurt before. I know my first instinct is to run away because I tell myself the guy will never care enough to listen to my concerns or compromise. It took a long time but I realize that's on me, not on the guy. I have to give them a chance before I jump to that conclusion. The best lesson about feelings is that we are all in control of our own emotional reactions. I've never seen you as a spoiled brat though. Yeah, I am worried about that happening in an LTR. That's what happened in my first and only serious relationship (almost 2 years), plus I cheated. I'm afraid that even if I find a "right" person that I'll still end up doing that even though I regretted when I did it prior with all my heart. I do think you and RS are right--I really am not interested in pursuing anything long-term. I sometimes think I am, but my actions over the last 7 months or so have definitely proven otherwise. I have been having quite a bit of fun and deep down I don't want it to end quite yet by committing to just one person.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 I have been having quite a bit of fun and deep down I don't want it to end quite yet by committing to just one person. You know what? Enjoy it! It's only very recently in history that women have been able to enjoy their freedom this much. So I say live it up. As long as you are honest and forthcoming, it's a beautiful thing. Some inspirational quotes from Mae West: When women go wrong, men go right after them. When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men? And one of my personal favorites: A hard man is good to find.
Author tigressA Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks, RS. I think I've tried to convince myself that I do want a long-term commitment because I still feel a bit guilty about what I've been doing, like it's bad or wrong. And that's silly, I know. I have been honest with the guys I've dated since my ex. I'm only 23, I'm vibrant, I'm attractive, I attract a lot of guys rather easily--why NOT have fun with it while it's still seen as acceptable to do so?
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