Do OW OM believe they themselves could ever be cheated on?

[Ellin]

One can never be 100% sure they will not ever be cheated on, regardless of what kind of R it is. In case of someone being involved in a love triangle the odd are perhaps a tiny bit higher? But often infidelity is committed by those one would least expect it from..

[GreenEyedLady]

Guess its speaking in general- just seems strange to read about all these wonderfully happy people ,determined not to let their relationship fail as the previous marriage did. They will , "Talk things through,"

"Not get in a rut"

"He lied to me since day 1 when he said he wasn't married" (?).... "He has earned my trust."(?!!)

A leopard never changes his spots is a great analogy.I don't dispute that the human equivalent is IMpossible-just that given an individual's past history of cheating and lying, I think its highly unlikely that he/ she won't eventually follow a previous pattern. Hence the fluster of remarks such as "keeping focused " keeping the relationship good" betrays an uncomfortable reality that true change requires heartfelt and maximum ongoing effort-and,....sticking my neck out here....do second timers honestly think that previous partners have not been supportive in these ways and tried to prevent their married lives going pear shaped?

What guarantees success this time round? Apart from an urgent need to be seen to succeed in some magical happy ever after land?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

It's no wonder that you are the one still in a rut with your rotten attitude. At first I thought, who is this? So I looked up your past posts.

 

I'm very sorry that your world was crushed when your H left for his OW.

 

Your beef is not with us, at this point, it's with yourself. So why don't you check into some individual counseling for yourself since you still can't get over what happened to you. It is horrible to be betrayed and even worse that you're betraying yourself. You are missing out on a full, happy life because you won't move on.

 

People who put down people who are happy, do so because they are jealous. So turn that into something else. You can be happy when you realize your ex was an a** and it was a crappy thing that happened to you. And then move on. Your rage and hate will eat you up inside.

 

As for me, I'm happy in my ever after and I don't care what anyone else thinks about me or my H. I suggest you worry about things you can change, like yourself.

 

GEL

[TinaniT]

 

So where exactly are the posters rushing to defend their "new" relationships? *color me confused*

 

We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don't, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. -West

[Fallen Angel]

Guess its speaking in general- just seems strange to read about all these wonderfully happy people ,determined not to let their relationship fail as the previous marriage did. They will , "Talk things through,"

"Not get in a rut"

"He lied to me since day 1 when he said he wasn't married" (?).... "He has earned my trust."(?!!)

A leopard never changes his spots is a great analogy.I don't dispute that the human equivalent is IMpossible-just that given an individual's past history of cheating and lying, I think its highly unlikely that he/ she won't eventually follow a previous pattern. Hence the fluster of remarks such as "keeping focused " keeping the relationship good" betrays an uncomfortable reality that true change requires heartfelt and maximum ongoing effort-and,....sticking my neck out here....do second timers honestly think that previous partners have not been supportive in these ways and tried to prevent their married lives going pear shaped?

What guarantees success this time round? Apart from an urgent need to be seen to succeed in some magical happy ever after land?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

Nothing guarantees success, which is what i think we have all said. But knowing that, I think that partners go in more determined to get it right the second time around. Willing to work harder, to speak more freely, because of past failures and learning from their mistakes.

 

But if you are going to assume that ever one will cheat eventually, despite your best efforts at making the relationship the best it can possibly be, then there is no point in entering into a relationship at all.

 

I for one would not be in a relationship in which I did not trust my partner. For me there simply would be no point, nor do I think there would be any point for anyone who has no ability to trust to be in a relationship.

 

No one goes into a relationship thinking, oh well, they will cheat eventually.. that is just pointless, right?

 

unless you plan on an open relationship, and then *shrug* all is on the table, so no cheating.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I can't imagine that the fear wouldn't be lurking somewhere in a few minds, but I see that as more of a healthy fear rather than a paranoid one - and I say that with my 'cheater' hat on and not the 'OW' one.

 

It is always good to be fully aware of your partner's emotional boundaries, and if cheating is one of those boundaries they crossed before then know that it may end up being pattern behavior: ie, when a certain situation happens, they deal with it by avoiding the problem and seeking an outlet.

 

It is an absolute must that anyone who ends up with someone who has cheated, either chronically or even a 'one off' - accepts that the behaviors that drove that don't change when the partners do. It is good to get to the bottom of it together and come up with coping strategies that will lead to a healthy dialogue between partners rather than conflict avoidance and cheating.

 

Anyone who ends up with a cheater and blames the BS for it, or has a 'head in the sand' attitude or just assumes that they won't do it are doing themselves a terrible disservice and if nothing is done, and only the players are changed rather than the game itself, then it may well lead to the same thing: a person who cheats.

Ive always thought you were pretty tuned in great post LB brings up allot of good points!

Leopard and spots comes to mind.............

Amazing how earnestly some posters rush to defend their "new" relationships. It speaks volumes!

 

Guess its speaking in general- just seems strange to read about all these wonderfully happy people ,determined not to let their relationship fail as the previous marriage did. They will , "Talk things through,"

"Not get in a rut"

"He lied to me since day 1 when he said he wasn't married" (?).... "He has earned my trust."(?!!)

A leopard never changes his spots is a great analogy.I don't dispute that the human equivalent is IMpossible-just that given an individual's past history of cheating and lying, I think its highly unlikely that he/ she won't eventually follow a previous pattern. Hence the fluster of remarks such as "keeping focused " keeping the relationship good" betrays an uncomfortable reality that true change requires heartfelt and maximum ongoing effort-and,....sticking my neck out here....do second timers honestly think that previous partners have not been supportive in these ways and tried to prevent their married lives going pear shaped?

What guarantees success this time round? Apart from an urgent need to be seen to succeed in some magical happy ever after land?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

You seam a bit bitter worlybear im sorry if you are a bs as I suspect? I appreciate your views as well. I only ask that you don't allow your hurt to spill over to much into this thread in a negative way as that was def not my intention here.

[MizFit]

Guess its speaking in general- just seems strange to read about all these wonderfully happy people ,determined not to let their relationship fail as the previous marriage did. They will , "Talk things through,"

"Not get in a rut"

"He lied to me since day 1 when he said he wasn't married" (?).... "He has earned my trust."(?!!)

A leopard never changes his spots is a great analogy.I don't dispute that the human equivalent is IMpossible-just that given an individual's past history of cheating and lying, I think its highly unlikely that he/ she won't eventually follow a previous pattern. Hence the fluster of remarks such as "keeping focused " keeping the relationship good" betrays an uncomfortable reality that true change requires heartfelt and maximum ongoing effort-and,....sticking my neck out here....do second timers honestly think that previous partners have not been supportive in these ways and tried to prevent their married lives going pear shaped?

What guarantees success this time round? Apart from an urgent need to be seen to succeed in some magical happy ever after land?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

I think you're missing something very important from the posters on this thread...they are OW/OM/BS...the thread is bringing a common issue to the front and it's being discussed openly and honestly. Everyone fears infidelity whether it's the first marriage or the second...whether it's with your AP or with the WS you're reconciling with. Everyone fears it and I think that it is perfectly healthy to fear it and to respect none of us is immune to it impacting our relationships.

 

Having said that I am a firm believer that people do not always repeat their histories.

[turnstone]

I can't imagine that the fear wouldn't be lurking somewhere in a few minds, but I see that as more of a healthy fear rather than a paranoid one - and I say that with my 'cheater' hat on and not the 'OW' one.

 

It is always good to be fully aware of your partner's emotional boundaries, and if cheating is one of those boundaries they crossed before then know that it may end up being pattern behavior: ie, when a certain situation happens, they deal with it by avoiding the problem and seeking an outlet.

 

It is an absolute must that anyone who ends up with someone who has cheated, either chronically or even a 'one off' - accepts that the behaviors that drove that don't change when the partners do. It is good to get to the bottom of it together and come up with coping strategies that will lead to a healthy dialogue between partners rather than conflict avoidance and cheating.

 

Anyone who ends up with a cheater and blames the BS for it, or has a 'head in the sand' attitude or just assumes that they won't do it are doing themselves a terrible disservice and if nothing is done, and only the players are changed rather than the game itself, then it may well lead to the same thing: a person who cheats.

 

Brilliant post. Hits it right on the head.

 

Its especially pertinent to how I'm feeling right now. But as a (ex)BS, I have another angle. I had a date last night () and I spent nearly the whole time wondering if how I was acting would eventually goad him into cheating on me. (You can imagine how lighthearted that date was! ) Yes, it was a ridiculous thing to be thinking on a first date with a guy that I will probably never see again, but I still feel the need to examine what I do and how to do it differently to avoid being betrayed again.

[MizFit]

Brilliant post. Hits it right on the head.

 

Its especially pertinent to how I'm feeling right now. But as a (ex)BS, I have another angle. I had a date last night () and I spent nearly the whole time wondering if how I was acting would eventually goad him into cheating on me. (You can imagine how lighthearted that date was! ) Yes, it was a ridiculous thing to be thinking on a first date with a guy that I will probably never see again, but I still feel the need to examine what I do and how to do it differently to avoid being betrayed again.

 

Turnstone...I can so relate to your experience! When exH and I were finally over and I went out for the first time I had him ready to be hauled away by the infidelity police. The poor guy was being analyzed and watched and observed...the sad part is no matter how good a guy he was, I wouldn't have seen him other than someone who 'could' cheat on me. I did soon lighten up though...once I realized how fiercely I was protecting myself I let the guard down some.

 

Hope it went well and you had a good time!

[turnstone]

That's kind MizFit. Although it wasn't him I was analysing, it was myself

 

The date itself was pretty special - I got to indulge my love of photography, horses and good looking guys

[MizFit]

That's kind MizFit. Although it wasn't him I was analysing, it was myself

 

The date itself was pretty special - I got to indulge my love of photography, horses and good looking guys

 

I did catch that you were analyzing yourself...I was just more going along the fact it affected me as well as it did you.

 

I'm so happy for you that the date was good! I'm a bit of a shutterbug so I can appreciate that aspect as well...and all of us can appreciate the good looking guys...so glad it was good!

[worlybear]

FYI - I'm not in a rut ,enjoying my new life and have a number of close friends as well as family. I do have individual counselling and have discussed in detail the reasons/effects/fall out of affairs on everyone concerned -yes,even the OW!

Wow Green Eyed Lady -I really rattled your cage, judging by your vitriolic and personal response!

Last time I looked I live in a democracy and I am entitled to my own opinions.

"He lied to me since we were 1st married."

It may not rock your boat, but honesty and integrity surely, are the fundamentals of a successful relationship ?

 

" I'm happy in my ever after and don't care what anyone thinks about me or my H."

 

How unspeakably sad and selfish to be so completely indifferent to the needs of other people around you.

 

I'm GLAD that I have more empathy for others.

To return to the origin of the thread posed by Spanksthemonkey Are you worried that he/she will cheat on you -it seems to me that there is a very real concern that cheating could become an issue-( yes I know its true of ANY relationship) ,it just seems to me that affairs which turn into marriage historically carry some negative baggage which may pose incontrovertible difficulties in the future.

[Silly_Girl]

...it just seems to me that affairs which turn into marriage historically carry some negative baggage which may pose incontrovertible difficulties in the future.

 

Could it be that these are the very people who are best equipped to:

 

Spot signs in themselves

Spot signs in each other

Have experience of talking these things over

Have guilt about prior infidelity and therefore be more wary of 'innocent' situations

[turnstone]

nevermind.........