Do OW OM believe they themselves could ever be cheated on?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Hey all I don't believe Ive ever started a thread in the section before so this is new to me. I know it can be a sensitive area so please bear with me my question is this...

 

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

 

Dose that idea even come into play or you just try not to think of it? or you don't believe it could happen to you at all? To me if a relationship starts off with cheating then its likely to happen again no?

 

Or do you just get so caut up in the moment that nothing else matters Ive never been in a A that I knew of so I find the mindset itself interesting I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is a genuine question.

[JustJoe]

All relationships can go south. Yes, I'm aware that my MW could cheat on me, but because I know her so well, and because of all that she has been through to get me, I don't think it's very likely. That old saying about "Once a cheater, etc". is bogus, it all depends on the individual.

[Fallen Angel]

Hey all I don't believe Ive ever started a thread in the section before so this is new to me. I know it can be a sensitive area so please bear with me my question is this...

 

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

 

Dose that idea even come into play or you just try not to think of it? or you don't believe it could happen to you at all? To me if a relationship starts off with cheating then its likely to happen again no?

 

Or do you just get so caut up in the moment that nothing else matters Ive never been in a A that I knew of so I find the mindset itself interesting I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is a genuine question.

 

I believe that any relationship not properly tended to by both parties involved can open itself up to the possibility of an affair.

 

I do not think the origins of the relationship determine the outcome.

 

I think that someone who leaves a marriage for an AP they love is less likely to stray, simply because they have learned the pitfalls and generally have an open line of communication with their new partner (fOM/OW) and are more apt to speak up when something is headed in the wrong direction in the new relationship.

 

In the marriage they left, it likely reached the stage it did, where an affair was possible, because the lines of communication were not as open. (Likely the WS has issues with confrontation avoidence, and chooses to seek fulfillment outside the marriage rather than speak up.) Hopefully, the WS has corrected this issue by the time he/she makes a new maritial committment to a new partner.

 

I know a few couples that are married as a result of having been in long term affairs then divorcing and marrying each other. they appear to be very open, honest and fully committed marriages. And from what i can tell, they have amazing communication skills with each other.

[MizFit]

My MM and I will never be in a long term relationship so I can only kind of answer this theoretically.

 

Almost 20 years ago I was a BS. My exH was a fabulous man and the absolute love of my life. We had great jobs, a lovely home, loads of family, a 3 year old son...there was one very large issue and due to his denial and my immaturity the marriage was left exposed and vulnerable. He thought I gave up...I thought he gave up. He cheated on me. I gave up. I am not the sort who would ever get over that so I ended the marriage without a second thought. He married OW a year or two later and they have been happily married since. He is not a cheater...he cheated on me, but it doesn't define him for life.

 

Fast forward 20 years...for the first time I became involved with a MM and we've been together for over a year. As I said he won't leave his W and he has not once made me a promise he can't/won't keep. We talk about 'if only', but it's the reality and we know it. However, if things did change and we ended up together would I worry. No. I would have it in the back of my mind because of my experience with a great man 20 years ago...I wouldn't want to have any part of leaving another M in that position so either of us thought it was necessary to look outside the M. MMs actions to me so far would give me no reason to think he would cheat on me...but having been through the BS thing it would always be something I wouldn't take for granted.

 

At the end of the day when a BS puts the trust back into the WS they are basically saying they don't think it'll happen again. I'm not saying they take it lightly or that there isn't a tremendous amount of angst and soul searching and mistrust...but they are making the commitment that they believe in what they have and in their WS. Why would an OW/OM feel any differently if they happen to end up with their AP?

 

We're all human and horribly vulnerable, but if we never take chances...what do we miss?

[bentnotbroken]

This is an interesting question you pose. A few friends( a couple BS and a WS) and I discussed this some time ago. Our opinions difffered as much as the post so far. The thought of:

 

"once a cheater, always a cheater",

 

"no they won't do again because they found the love of their life and they went through hell and high water",

 

"if the relationship is neglected like the previous one", and

 

"they both will end up cheating because of the way the relationship started".

 

Though to varying degrees I believe three are true, I think the only one who can know that for sure is the person who used an A to deal with marital issues. I believe marital dissatisfaction only has a small bearing on cheating. We have seen on here many times WS who are happy with their marriages. I think coping skills have a larger impact on cheating. Some of the research(though we all know how inaccurate it can be when using self report) suggests that marital satisfaction is an issue with as many as 85% of couples, yet the numbers that reported cheating(emotionally or physically) don't hold up to that percentage.

 

Will there be some relationships that surivive and even thrive...absolutely. But I believe there is an admission of personal responsibilityfor failure of the marriage and facing character flaws that lead to the course of action of to cheat.

[Silly_Girl]

I believed that when xMM and I were properly together that the missing pieces of the puzzle (for both of us) that we'd not had before would seriously reduce the likelihood of either of us cheating. But I'd have damn well been on the hunt for red flags (not just for cheating, but of things not being as well as they should/could be) because I believe even the very best of relationships can have vulnerable times.

[Adunaphel]

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

I do fear that.

But then I tell myself that since he actually got separated after cheating with me, he is probably not going to cheat on me unless he really intends to leave.

 

Dose that idea even come into play or you just try not to think of it? or you don't believe it could happen to you at all? To me if a relationship starts off with cheating then its likely to happen again no?

 

I certainly hope won't happen... because it is not the same partners, it is not the same relationships, the problems are different, too.

Unless I start seeing red flags I assume it is not going to happen. But I am not going to ignore red flags if they start popping up all over the place!

Both my MM and I are trying to keep the communication good. I genuinely believe that the communication is good cheating is less likely to take place.

[OWoman]

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

 

I M my fMM. Countless posters on LS would love to see this happen to me (and have said so, on LS - I'm not being paranoid )

 

Do I think it can happen? Of course it could! No R is immune to betrayal, whatever form that might take (for the couple). Sure, you can minimise the risks, but you can never totally rule them out.

 

Do I think it will happen? I doubt it. My H is by nature deeply monogamous. He only has room for one Love at a time. Sure, he may in turn transfer his love from me to someone else - but any R has that risk, and the risks are probably greater of me doing it, since he has managed a faithful monogamous M of three decades and I've struggled with Rs that last longer than a few minutes!

 

Sexual exclusivity is not an issue for me - but honesty is. We have good communication patterns, and work hard at keeping our R patterns healthy, and because we're both second-timers we are very aware of how lucky we are, and we don't cease telling each other how much we value them, and our R, and our chance at happiness. The A has made us aware of how badly things can go wrong in a M, and we're both determined not to end up that way.

[TinaniT]

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

.

 

No.

 

 

If you want elaboration, I feel there was a very specific set of circumstances that led to both of our behaviors that will not happen again. This is in our circumstances specifically.

 

There are those who cheat as a rule, and there are those who cheat once and not again.

I won't argue about our specific circumstances and what will or will not happen because it is useless but I am more sure in my heart of this than anything else.

 

 

(Now whether anyone could cheat on me in the future, if I was not with OM, I will not speak to. I certainly have been both cheated on in the past. I don't worry too much about it, because if somebody really wants to cheat, they will, and it would be his loss.)

[DadofTwoGirls]

as a stbxMM what about us who cheated with OMW?..I doubt I would ever cheat on anyone again, only because of what has been stated earlier, communication in the R, never had it with my wife, had it with OMW, would have never left W, never even remotely loved OMW, it lasted 20 mos. I broke it off when she said ILY, she could easily cheat again on her MM and probably did before me...W had EA turned into PA..I'm sure she's happy..for now.

[kis]

Hey all I don't believe Ive ever started a thread in the section before so this is new to me. I know it can be a sensitive area so please bear with me my question is this...

 

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

 

Dose that idea even come into play or you just try not to think of it? or you don't believe it could happen to you at all? To me if a relationship starts off with cheating then its likely to happen again no?

 

Or do you just get so caut up in the moment that nothing else matters Ive never been in a A that I knew of so I find the mindset itself interesting I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is a genuine question.

 

I think if they are a serial cheater then you can expect more of the same. Some men are never going to give up the thrill of the chase. Women too i guess but the only ones i know are men.

[GreenEyedLady]

I actually posted about this in another thread not that long ago.

 

I married my H after being with him for 3 and half years. He lied to me since day 1 when he said he was not married. I didn't find out until we had been together over a year.

 

He has done ALOT of work in counseling since we moved in together and he got divorced.

 

But like I said in another thread, I would never say never. People are fallible and we don't know what the future will bring. I love my H with all of my heart and I knows he loves me just as deeply.

 

So I don't worry about it. I think we have just as much chance as any other couple to deal with infidelity, not a greater chance. I love him and he has changed so much in the five years we've been together. But to say he would never do that would be like jinxing us in my mind.

 

I'm not offended by the question; I think it's a good question and one that people involved in EMA's should definitely spend time on. I know he has lied in the past and has done his best to make it right with all parties that he hurt. He is not the same person that he was. If he was, then that would make me worry and not be as confident.

 

He has earned my trust. And that's what really matters. So we will take each day as it comes and enjoy that we have a true and authentic relationship.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

Hey all I don't believe Ive ever started a thread in the section before so this is new to me. I know it can be a sensitive area so please bear with me my question is this...

 

As OW OM do you guys ever fear that if they divorced their husbands/wives and married you that some day they may also cheat on you as well?

 

Dose that idea even come into play or you just try not to think of it? or you don't believe it could happen to you at all? To me if a relationship starts off with cheating then its likely to happen again no?

 

Or do you just get so caut up in the moment that nothing else matters Ive never been in a A that I knew of so I find the mindset itself interesting I hope I haven't offended anyone as it is a genuine question.

 

I would think many would fear that. I mean, when the original couple got married, they had love in their hearts, promises of the future, blah blah... I highly doubt they thought they would ever have infidelity in their marriage.

 

Then it happened.

 

So I can't image a relationship built from an affair wouldn't have some thoughts of that happening.

 

I don't believe it when I hear people say "Well, we love each other and we are perfect" because honestly, that is what the cheater and the BS probably thought too. Look at the ones who cheat just because...not because their marriage is bad, but because their egos get in the way.

[MizFit]

I would think many would fear that. I mean, when the original couple got married, they had love in their hearts, promises of the future, blah blah... I highly doubt they thought they would ever have infidelity in their marriage.

 

Then it happened.

 

So I can't image a relationship built from an affair wouldn't have some thoughts of that happening.

 

I don't believe it when I hear people say "Well, we love each other and we are perfect" because honestly, that is what the cheater and the BS probably thought too. Look at the ones who cheat just because...not because their marriage is bad, but because their egos get in the way.

 

In all fairness FO...I can't imagine any relationship doesn't have some thoughts of it happening. I think that other than the premature death of a spouse it must be the biggest fear between the couple (not including anything to do with children).

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can't imagine that the fear wouldn't be lurking somewhere in a few minds, but I see that as more of a healthy fear rather than a paranoid one - and I say that with my 'cheater' hat on and not the 'OW' one.

 

It is always good to be fully aware of your partner's emotional boundaries, and if cheating is one of those boundaries they crossed before then know that it may end up being pattern behavior: ie, when a certain situation happens, they deal with it by avoiding the problem and seeking an outlet.

 

It is an absolute must that anyone who ends up with someone who has cheated, either chronically or even a 'one off' - accepts that the behaviors that drove that don't change when the partners do. It is good to get to the bottom of it together and come up with coping strategies that will lead to a healthy dialogue between partners rather than conflict avoidance and cheating.

 

Anyone who ends up with a cheater and blames the BS for it, or has a 'head in the sand' attitude or just assumes that they won't do it are doing themselves a terrible disservice and if nothing is done, and only the players are changed rather than the game itself, then it may well lead to the same thing: a person who cheats.

[worlybear]

Leopard and spots comes to mind.............

Amazing how earnestly some posters rush to defend their "new" relationships. It speaks volumes!

[silktricks]

I think the odds of a couple that got together through an affair experience cheating are about the same as the odds of a recovered marriage again experience cheating. As long as both partners keep focused on their marriage, and keeping the relationship good, I think the odds are relatively slim. If you slide into a rut, the odds that one will stray elevate.

[pureinheart]

All relationships can go south. Yes, I'm aware that my MW could cheat on me, but because I know her so well, and because of all that she has been through to get me, I don't think it's very likely. That old saying about "Once a cheater, etc". is bogus, it all depends on the individual.

 

This is very well put Joe...excellent and communicates everything I was thinking:D...oh, I agree;)

[Fallen Angel]

Leopard and spots comes to mind.............

Amazing how earnestly some posters rush to defend their "new" relationships. It speaks volumes!

 

Can you please point out where you see this, as i read this thread it seems almost everyone said that it is a possiblity that another affair could happen, and because of that that people should make sure they are working on their relationship and keeping lines of communication open.

 

So where exactly are the posters rushing to defend their "new" relationships? *color me confused*

[MizFit]

Leopard and spots comes to mind.............

Amazing how earnestly some posters rush to defend their "new" relationships. It speaks volumes!

 

I was always confused by this...I believe the whole quote was something along the lines of a leopard changing his spots and a man changing his skin. They are both physical properties that can not be changed even if the leopard or man were willing. I know nowadays, with the help of chemicals, it could happen, but bearing in mind the quote is biblical I think that option could be ruled out.

 

So...why ask if a leopard can change his spots when talking about a person changing an innate part of their personality? One is impossible to do at will...the other may be very difficult, but it is possible.

 

In my opinion leopards and spots have very little to do with a person who has the option to make the change.

[pureinheart]

Leopard and spots comes to mind.............

Amazing how earnestly some posters rush to defend their "new" relationships. It speaks volumes!

 

Can you please point out where you see this, as i read this thread it seems almost everyone said that it is a possiblity that another affair could happen, and because of that that people should make sure they are working on their relationship and keeping lines of communication open.

 

So where exactly are the posters rushing to defend their "new" relationships? *color me confused*

 

Are you speaking in general WB? I searched the thread also and saw nothing either...

 

In looking deep within myself, as this is where the real answer lies, I found a pattern. Since my first "real" R most have "cheated" (I really don't like this term, although there is universal understanding, so to avoid conflict or misunderstanding this is word used). Next step for me was usually the "revenge A".

 

Thinking I was unable to cope with the act of cheating, I would then set my mind to find another as in my mind "the contract" was broken. Right or wrong this is what went down.

 

Now I want to know "why". Did I do something to provoke the cheating, or did I choose a person who would cheat on purpose, or both.

 

I never discount the ability to cheat, although want to explore why people cheat on a deeper level.

[pureinheart]

I think the odds of a couple that got together through an affair experience cheating are about the same as the odds of a recovered marriage again experience cheating. As long as both partners keep focused on their marriage, and keeping the relationship good, I think the odds are relatively slim. If you slide into a rut, the odds that one will stray elevate.

 

Stray is a really good term:)

 

Your right ST, even though it didn't work for me, due to an inability to handle it at that time, still there is always hope.

 

It's looking at the deeper issues, the A is sometimes a "symtom" and not the root...

[bittersweet memories]

I actually posted about this in another thread not that long ago.

 

I married my H after being with him for 3 and half years. He lied to me since day 1 when he said he was not married. I didn't find out until we had been together over a year.

 

He has done ALOT of work in counseling since we moved in together and he got divorced.

 

But like I said in another thread, I would never say never. People are fallible and we don't know what the future will bring. I love my H with all of my heart and I knows he loves me just as deeply.

 

So I don't worry about it. I think we have just as much chance as any other couple to deal with infidelity, not a greater chance. I love him and he has changed so much in the five years we've been together. But to say he would never do that would be like jinxing us in my mind.

 

I'm not offended by the question; I think it's a good question and one that people involved in EMA's should definitely spend time on. I know he has lied in the past and has done his best to make it right with all parties that he hurt. He is not the same person that he was. If he was, then that would make me worry and not be as confident.

 

He has earned my trust. And that's what really matters. So we will take each day as it comes and enjoy that we have a true and authentic relationship.

 

GEL

 

Great Post!

[worlybear]

Guess its speaking in general- just seems strange to read about all these wonderfully happy people ,determined not to let their relationship fail as the previous marriage did. They will , "Talk things through,"

"Not get in a rut"

"He lied to me since day 1 when he said he wasn't married" (?).... "He has earned my trust."(?!!)

A leopard never changes his spots is a great analogy.I don't dispute that the human equivalent is IMpossible-just that given an individual's past history of cheating and lying, I think its highly unlikely that he/ she won't eventually follow a previous pattern. Hence the fluster of remarks such as "keeping focused " keeping the relationship good" betrays an uncomfortable reality that true change requires heartfelt and maximum ongoing effort-and,....sticking my neck out here....do second timers honestly think that previous partners have not been supportive in these ways and tried to prevent their married lives going pear shaped?

What guarantees success this time round? Apart from an urgent need to be seen to succeed in some magical happy ever after land?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm ashamed to admit I worked a thousand times harder on my second significant relationship, than I did on my first. And I know others who have worked a lot harder - rightly or wrongly - on the other side of a serious split. I think the 'second-timers' aspect is a valid factor in the scenarios you're referring to.