ascendotum Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I recently read an article by an attractive woman in her early 40s regarding a comment that her boyfriend had made. It was along the lines of 'you are a great woman its such a shame I didn’t meet you 10 yrs back a and we could of married and had children'. She shortly broke up with him. I also know of another woman about 42 who had the same experience, where the guy made a comment along the lines of how he wished he had met her when she was younger and married and had children with her, she also soon split up with the guy. She said it wasn’t just over this remark but it was the kernel that started a re-evaluation of the relationship. I have known this woman for a number of years and she used to be hot, wild & adventurous and had a great career, so I can totally relate to the guys perspective. I thought this about my last girlfriend (except the kids bit) and could easily unintentionally say something like this comment. I kind of get why this would upset a woman, but to the extent that it would precipitate the breakup of a decent relationship, I found that bizarre. If a woman said something like this to me I’d understand that someone is naturally more desirable in the prime of their life, and just shrug it off with a smart alec comment back. The aspect I found more disillusioning is that both these reasonably attractive women then said they had given up on dating for a while after this. The cynic in me thought ‘great, come back when you’re older then there’s less chance of a guy extrapolating your sex appeal back 10 yrs’.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Because she wants him to want to marry her and have children with her no matter how old she is. That is the ultimate that a man can want with a woman, and the ultimate gift he can give her. Now, maybe he would bring it up, and she would laugh it off, saying, "No, I'm past that time." But you'd at least want him to want that. I think many women would want to marry, even if they didn't want kids by then. And some would want kids still. And no matter what, you'd hope that your guy is so crazy about you, he'd want that, too. By the way, lots of couples get married and have healthy kids in their 40s.
bac Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 It is not too offensive, but it is always better to be safe and do not mention anything about her mature age.
norajane Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 They break up with these guys because the guys are essentially telling them that there's no way they will want to marry them or be in a long term relationship with them, because they will want to have children and that's not something she can offer at her age. What's the point of staying with someone who has already told you they will be dumping you at some point because you can't give them kids? "we could have married and had kids" = we won't marry because I want kids and it's too late for you to do that, so I'll eventually find someone who can.
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I thought this about my last girlfriend (except the kids bit) and could easily unintentionally say something like this comment. I kind of get why this would upset a woman, but to the extent that it would precipitate the breakup of a decent relationship, I found that bizarre. Basically, it's tantamount to telling a woman that she doesn't cut the mustard anymore. "I wish I'd met you in your prime"; "too bad you got old and lost your looks"... I'd find such a thought process upsetting myself. I think these women are demonstrating that they'd rather be single than be anything less than 100% desireable to their partner. In my opinion, that's indicative of a healthy ego rather than a flaw. I'd never date a man that indicated to me that dating me was settling for less than what he wanted either- and I don't blame these women for doing the same.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I'm interpreting the two women's actions differently than you are. You seem to be saying they ended the relationship because the men viewed them as "old." My interpretation is the women ended the relationship because the men expressed an interest in having children, something most women in their 40's have already done or are not willing to attempt - due to increased birth defects. Recognizing the incompatibility, the women made a wise choice. I've found myself in similar circumstances. I tend to date men in their late 30's and many want to have children. Suprisingly, even men in their 40's still want to have children though they may already have adult children.
threebyfate Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) Not quite 36 yet but close enough so I'll answer your question. Both these guys are saying, "you're good enough for right now but I don't see you as long-term material". No wonder the women made like bananas and split. Those are bone-headed comments. Edit - An analogy would be the woman saying "If you were only 10 years older and mature enough to handle a relationship, I would honestly consider you". Edited June 19, 2010 by threebyfate
Author ascendotum Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Basically, it's tantamount to telling a woman that she doesn't cut the mustard anymore. "I wish I'd met you in your prime"; "too bad you got old and lost your looks"... I'd find such a thought process upsetting myself. I think these women are demonstrating that they'd rather be single than be anything less than 100% desireable to their partner. In my opinion, that's indicative of a healthy ego rather than a flaw. I'd never date a man that indicated to me that dating me was settling for less than what he wanted either- and I don't blame these women for doing the same. Thank you for this answer. The too bad you got old and lost your looks thought can be applied to everyone at some point in their life, both men and women. I understand a women would want to be 100% desirable to her partner (just like a guy) but I would have thought that it shouldn’t be a revelation that a guy would rather have settled down with say for instance Jamie Lee Curtis when she was 28 versus when she was 43 for instance. The matter of looks would be a major aspect but there are other elements like vitality, sense of adventure & fun, improved social life, being there during the high career times. Then there is also the element of developing a deeper bond with someone when you are younger/healthier/hornier and you share some of the prime years of your life together and you're more than the guy that comes on to the scene when the youthful /sexy years are over. The intention of my post was definitely not meant as a putdown of older women, but rather why they interpreted such comments so offensive. I appreciate what you are saying, but as someone who has struggled with weight (usually being thin) and been given a hard time over it and have had comments along the lines of shame I was not as built like I was x yrs ago, I guess I am somewhat of a pragmatist in this regard. In both these cases I had the impression the guys did not want to have children anymore, but would have liked to have if they met the right person when younger. Maybe that contributed to part of the reason for the women breaking up with them..because no women had wanted to have children with them.
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 The too bad you got old and lost your looks thought can be applied to everyone at some point in their life, both men and women. I understand a women would want to be 100% desirable to her partner (just like a guy) but I would have thought that it shouldn’t be a revelation that a guy would rather have settled down with say for instance Jamie Lee Curtis when she was 28 versus when she was 43 for instance. And even myself at 40, I like George Clooney better at 30, rather than 40, and so much more than 50... But I'd never vocalize such an ego crushing blow to someone I was dating. Some things should never be vocalized in a relationship- "you're old and past your prime" is one of those things. Once something like that is vocalized, it's no wonder the person wants to crawl into a hole and hide. 1
norajane Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 In both these cases I had the impression the guys did not want to have children anymore, but would have liked to have if they met the right person when younger. Maybe that contributed to part of the reason for the women breaking up with them..because no women had wanted to have children with them. Oh, no, not at all. I interpreted their comments entirely differently. That they DID still want children and the woman they were with could not provide that, so she was just a temporary "right now" relationship. So she bailed because she discovered she was not what he was looking for. I'm 42 and I do not date men who want children. There's no point.
aerogurl87 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 They break up with these guys because the guys are essentially telling them that there's no way they will want to marry them or be in a long term relationship with them, because they will want to have children and that's not something she can offer at her age. What's the point of staying with someone who has already told you they will be dumping you at some point because you can't give them kids? "we could have married and had kids" = we won't marry because I want kids and it's too late for you to do that, so I'll eventually find someone who can. Norajane nailed it on the head. He's basically saying "I really like you and all, but I want kids someday with my wife and you can't give that to me, so we'll have fun till I find someone who can give me those things." But hey, can't blame a man for wanting kids with a woman whose prone to more than likely have an easier pregnancy and probably be more fertile.
Jersey Shortie Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I agree with what D-Lish said. What if a woman said: " you would be great but I wish you made more money then you could be the provided *I* really wanted". People are package deals. Women aren't the sum of their looks. But we still want the man we choose to be with to find us beautiful and special. Not find flaws in something we can't prevent while he oggles his daughter's friends.
carhill Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 It was along the lines of 'you are a great woman its such a shame I didn’t meet you 10 yrs back a and we could of married and had children'. She shortly broke up with him. Healthy move. Imagine having to tiptoe around those perspectives in a marriage, on both sides. Gross incompatibility, both in emotion and perspective. Onward
FitChick Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Just date people who don't want any (more) kids. Problem solved! If you want to call the guy's bluff, say you will hire a surrogate.
Adunaphel Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 The intention of my post was definitely not meant as a putdown of older women, but rather why they interpreted such comments so offensive. It's not that they sound offensive. They sound... very telling, like other posters pointed out. In both these cases I had the impression the guys did not want to have children anymore, but would have liked to have if they met the right person when younger. If the guy meant just that, perhaps he should try to phrase things a little differently next time. Sentences like "You are the kind of woman I would have loved to become the mother of my children when I was younger and actually wanted children" or "Had I had any children, I wish I had had them with you" would sound a lot nicer.
spookie Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 That's interesting, I didn't interpret those comments that way at all. To me, it sounded like what he was saying was, I like you so much, I wish we could have had babies together. It's a longing for a lost youth you wish you could have shared.
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