Struggling...

[TinaniT]

Well, I don't mean to be flip here, but any man that made me lick a toilet, would find their organ necessary for using said toilet severely compromised. That's not just abuse, it's sadistic. I would not personally be open to giving second chances. Especially if I had a son old enough to know what's going on.

 

Isn't it natural with any big decision to question whether you are doing the right thing? I don't know about your MM, but you had a reason for divorcing your husband. His words don't really change that reason, do they really? Don't all abusers say they are sorry, they will never do it again? Until the next time? Of course, it's not my marriage or my divorce, but if it was, that ship woulda sailed long ago...

 

I can't explain why I didn't leave before I did, or why part of me thinks maybe he can change even now...

 

Or even think that at the moment. A couple hours of sleep, even, and talking to you guys here helped.

 

It is something where my reason and some other part of me fight, sometimes. I'm not sure why this is, though I've certainly experienced it before with my childhood. (Dear lord, you'd think I'd be over that by 26, not even been home since I turned 17. But this is the first consistent counseling I've had, and first I've been away since meeting my husband at 18, so maybe it is just more time needed.)

 

 

It is hard to just ignore MM in this, because I am in love with him. I think even he would encourage me to focus more on me and what I need and let him take care of his things (in fact he has, though not ever encouraging the leaving him out of the picture, he wants to be there to support me and never be with out me).

 

I am feeling really much stronger, now.

 

I will give more details to MM on Monday. I don't want to tell him now, because I'm afraid he'll turn around and drive back if he perceives I need him. While I am more capable of vocalizing what is wrong, and saying it, I think his kids need him more right now than I do. They may be going on as if all is well and saying they are fine, but I'm sure they are hurting with all that is going on, and need their dad right now, even if maybe even they don't know it themselves.

 

I think maybe I should take a queue from my son, though. I have never called MM "Daddy" or said anything to cause any distance between my son and his father, though his father has not done much to see him very often. Yet my son has started calling MM "Daddy". My son and I alone are probably better off than going back, as much as if things COULD work parents being better would be better for the family, they can't. I have a friend who told me that he as a kid begged his dad to divorce his mom; I think he'd probably slap me (not really) if he knew I was thinking about it last night, and he doesn't even know everything that went on - most people don't. Husband was incredibly charismatic and almost no one would suspect... Only people who would are people I told... and strangely, his mother. I never told her but she has taken me aside before and talked to me about my husband and how he "is" and has been since childhood and how they tried to take him to counseling in childhood. And I think with MM, prospects are probably even better... my son growing up in a loving household.

 

Stress, huh?

[silverplanets]

I can't explain why I didn't leave before I did, or why part of me thinks maybe he can change even now...

 

Or even think that at the moment. A couple hours of sleep, even, and talking to you guys here helped.

 

It is something where my reason and some other part of me fight, sometimes. I'm not sure why this is, though I've certainly experienced it before with my childhood. (Dear lord, you'd think I'd be over that by 26, not even been home since I turned 17. But this is the first consistent counseling I've had, and first I've been away since meeting my husband at 18, so maybe it is just more time needed.)

 

 

It is hard to just ignore MM in this, because I am in love with him. I think even he would encourage me to focus more on me and what I need and let him take care of his things (in fact he has, though not ever encouraging the leaving him out of the picture, he wants to be there to support me and never be with out me).

 

I am feeling really much stronger, now.

 

I will give more details to MM on Monday. I don't want to tell him now, because I'm afraid he'll turn around and drive back if he perceives I need him. While I am more capable of vocalizing what is wrong, and saying it, I think his kids need him more right now than I do. They may be going on as if all is well and saying they are fine, but I'm sure they are hurting with all that is going on, and need their dad right now, even if maybe even they don't know it themselves.

 

I think maybe I should take a queue from my son, though. I have never called MM "Daddy" or said anything to cause any distance between my son and his father, though his father has not done much to see him very often. Yet my son has started calling MM "Daddy". My son and I alone are probably better off than going back, as much as if things COULD work parents being better would be better for the family, they can't. I have a friend who told me that he as a kid begged his dad to divorce his mom; I think he'd probably slap me (not really) if he knew I was thinking about it last night, and he doesn't even know everything that went on - most people don't. Husband was incredibly charismatic and almost no one would suspect... Only people who would are people I told... and strangely, his mother. I never told her but she has taken me aside before and talked to me about my husband and how he "is" and has been since childhood and how they tried to take him to counseling in childhood. And I think with MM, prospects are probably even better... my son growing up in a loving household.

 

Stress, huh?

 

Hi tt,

 

Without in any way downing your MM or judging your situation can I just point out that you DON'T KNOW that the bit in bold is true ...

 

Growing up in a loving household would, of course, be better for any child ... but what you DON'T KNOW is that MM would provide this.

 

You BELIEVE he will, but you don't know ...

 

Equally you don't know whether going back with your H will be good or bad .. you BELIEVE it might be good for your son but your not sure ...

 

So you've given yourself two choices .. both unknowns ... and its not just your happiness you are "gambling" with ... it is your son's as well.

 

We also seem to have a time pressure or need to make a decision added to the mix ..

 

Also, you have to consider how "in control" you feel right now to make big decisions which affect your son's life ...

 

I don't know what is the right answer for you, all I can suggest is that getting your own "space" will allow your head to clear, the pressures to drop and you to clearly work out what is right for you as a person and mother.

 

Time, far from working against you , can be your friend here ...

 

your son can have a GREAT relationship with his dad even if you are living separate ... heck you can even hang out on odd evenings together if its what YOU want .. and over the time (which could be years) maybe your will really see that H and you have both changed...

 

equally .. time will show you if MM really does leave his Wife of HIS OWN accord ...

 

Both these people (H and MM) have an interest in shortennig your perceived timescales ... however .. surely your interest is to lengethen the timescales, let's get to a couple of years (!!!) over which time their real motives will become clear and all the while YOU will becomnig clearer about what you want.

 

One final thought .. you MM is much older and more experienced than you .. he KNOWS you are just coming out of an abusive relationship and he knows you are confused right now ... he should be aware enough at that age to know that he shouldn't be sleeping with you right now .... that what you need is friendship and time to heal.

 

I am not saying he is bad .. just at that age he should be aware of it ... I am 41 and I KNOW that any girl who has come straight out of childhood and into a long relationship (abusive or not) needs SPACE to find her self.

 

THAT is love ... imho.

 

Slightly tounge in cheek: if he thinks you are truly "in a good position" and able to make these decisions then challenge him .. ask him to go to lawyers with you on Monday and sign a document giving you joint ownership of his assets ... If he fully trusts and respects your judgement then no problem !!!

 

Somehow, though, I doubt it :)

 

Not criticising just trying to get you to think abuot yourself rather than other people !!!! :)

 

Change the timelines .. SLOW it down .. genuine people will still remain in your life and will continue to behave decently :)

[jennie-jennie]

It's wondering if I am better to raise my son with his dad, rather than back and forth... where I at least have some control of how my husband acts around his son, and whether he sees him at all (He does not make much time currently with being separated.)

 

I know that is wrong, and my counselor has said this is the old mindset trying to creep in and not to let it take the better... but after having not slept, and my husband acting contrite and insisting he will change, it is difficult.

 

It's not so much that I want to be with somebody, as of anybody.

I want to be with the man I love. I am just wondering, is letting who I love guide my decisions selfish at this moment? And do I (as a mom) have a right to be selfish?

 

MM loves my son like his own. And he is a great father and wonderful to him. I don't think *reason* is prevalent in my head right now. Which is why I questioned posting this, at all. But I needed to not feel alone. (My son is sleeping right now. Taking a break from studying after the big test. No distraction! And I still can't sleep.)

 

It is my firm belief that if you do the bolded above you are setting a good example and being a good role model for your son so that he too can be happy as an adult.

 

In caring for ourselves and our own happiness we show our children how to care for themselves and their own happiness as adults. This in no way conflicts with the best interest of your child, since I am certain you are going to be a good parent for your son and care for him and his needs whether you live with his dad or not.

[jennie-jennie]

That's just it; I do not love my husband. I have wished many times he would just disappear like he threatened to do -- then it would be his choice and not mine, and not me being selfish...

I do love my son. That is where the struggle comes in.

 

I also lvoe MM. And part of me wonders if I am hurting him and his kids, and his ultimate happiness. f thst makes any sense.

 

What I stated in my post above holds true for your MM as well.

[jennie-jennie]

Tina,

 

My God, but you sound like me not so very long ago.

 

I left my abusive marriage after 15 years.

 

I struggled just as you are struggling now as to if I was being fair to my children. The answer is a resounding YES!!!

 

Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

 

It was the best thing i ever did for myself.

It was the best thing I ever did for my children.

 

Staying in my abusive marriage was teaching my son it is okay to abuse women. Staying in my abusive marriage was teaching my daughters it is okay to be abused.

 

My children now have no relationship with their father. That was a choice he made. I had my children calling him twice a week on a schedule. he changed his phone number. They wrote him letters. He moved and left no forwarding address.

 

My children still miss and love their father. As they should. He is their father.

 

But as I was typing out this response my now 12 yr old daughter walked out to the porch to tell me that she loved me. I asked her if she is happy. She asked what i meant, so i told her what you are going through, and the struggle that I went through. (She remembers my insomnia *I averaged only about 2-3 hrs of sleep a day for almost a year*, she remembers my huge weightloss *while I looked better I was NOT HEALTHIER FOR IT!*)

 

She told me to pass on to you, that she is happier now. She is happier because she never has to be afraid that when she goes to sleep she will be awakened by me crying and being hurt. She said she is happier now because she finally sees me happy. She says she is happier because now she can be just like any other kid. She said that even losing the relationship with her father, she would never want things back the way they were. She is happier now.

 

((hugs))

 

You will get through this. We are here for you.

 

FA, this post clasped my heart. I too have been in an abusive relationship. I know just what you are talking about.

[jennie-jennie]

TinaniT, your post makes me hurt hon. What you have is really not as complicated as you think it is.

 

Reasons to not go back to your husband.

 

• You don't love him
  
• He has abused you, and 98% of abusers don't change
  
• You love someone else, your heart is elsewhere
  
• The most important reason NOT to go back, is because you love your son. Even though this stbx is your son's father, you owe a better life to your child than to subject him to living in conditions that aren't optimal. Abusive is NOT optimal, in fact you will damage your child if you stay, if it hasn't already.
  

 

 

Now......about the MM, don't focus on him, let him take care of HIS life and concentrate on yours and continue your IC and DO THE RIGHT thing for your son. If the love that you and MM share is real, then things will work out, but don't stress so much about that part of it right now. Take care of yourself first. Hugs..........

 

Exactly.

Great post.

:bunny:

[Silly_Girl]

Hi there, it's good you're trying to work through this. It's awful when the frantic thoughts are flowing this way and that and your mind just won't calm down.

 

I know it's very difficult but you really need to find a way to start thinking more clearly, to slow this process down and deal with the individual aspects.

 

Maybe even a piece of paper in respect of your relationship with your husband, and another (for a different session) for you and MM. And list the pertinent points, the pros and cons.

 

Your husband.. this does not sound like a good relationship, but I can entirely empathise. But it's unhealthy, and it's unhealthy for your son to be in that environment. If you truly believe this can be worked through, perhaps you should consider doing so. But it sounds as though, even if he were to turn over a new leaf now, it wouldn't be enough for you and the crunch time would merely be delayed.

 

Your husband and you can be fantastic co-parents without being a couple yourselves. And should that not work out that way... My counsellor does a lot of work with children and she's adamant that children NEED one parent, one truly good parent. Two's great, but if there is one who is a constant, and there for them, and will provide advice and support and warmth, that's good enough for them and they'll be able to function around 'other stuff' if they have that.

 

It's important any decisions about your husband are made independently and are unconnected to your new relationship. I left 2 long-term relationships, both times NOT because there was anyone else, but because they were relationships that should never have been and I can look back and know I did what I did for the right reasons. That counts for a lot for me.

 

With MM, there are no guarantees. The 'real deal' is a world away from what you have. That's not to say it wouldn't be wonderful, but don't assume it would. There will be stresses and strains that affect you jointly, and singly, and that's why I think that slowing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g down is a great idea for you, and I think you have the wherewithall to achieve that and manage that well, as much as you feel anxious and confused now. Best of luck.

[silverplanets]

Hi there, it's good you're trying to work through this. It's awful when the frantic thoughts are flowing this way and that and your mind just won't calm down.

 

I know it's very difficult but you really need to find a way to start thinking more clearly, to slow this process down and deal with the individual aspects.

 

Maybe even a piece of paper in respect of your relationship with your husband, and another (for a different session) for you and MM. And list the pertinent points, the pros and cons.

 

Your husband.. this does not sound like a good relationship, but I can entirely empathise. But it's unhealthy, and it's unhealthy for your son to be in that environment. If you truly believe this can be worked through, perhaps you should consider doing so. But it sounds as though, even if he were to turn over a new leaf now, it wouldn't be enough for you and the crunch time would merely be delayed.

 

Your husband and you can be fantastic co-parents without being a couple yourselves. And should that not work out that way... My counsellor does a lot of work with children and she's adamant that children NEED one parent, one truly good parent. Two's great, but if there is one who is a constant, and there for them, and will provide advice and support and warmth, that's good enough for them and they'll be able to function around 'other stuff' if they have that.

 

It's important any decisions about your husband are made independently and are unconnected to your new relationship. I left 2 long-term relationships, both times NOT because there was anyone else, but because they were relationships that should never have been and I can look back and know I did what I did for the right reasons. That counts for a lot for me.

 

With MM, there are no guarantees. The 'real deal' is a world away from what you have. That's not to say it wouldn't be wonderful, but don't assume it would. There will be stresses and strains that affect you jointly, and singly, and that's why I think that slowing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g down is a great idea for you, and I think you have the wherewithall to achieve that and manage that well, as much as you feel anxious and confused now. Best of luck.

 

Great post SG

[silverplanets]

It is my firm belief that if you do the bolded above you are setting a good example and being a good role model for your son so that he too can be happy as an adult.

 

In caring for ourselves and our own happiness we show our children how to care for themselves and their own happiness as adults. This in no way conflicts with the best interest of your child, since I am certain you are going to be a good parent for your son and care for him and his needs whether you live with his dad or not.

 

Presume I'm misreading this reply ... because I just can't see how going straight from one abusive relationship into another one with a fair number of red flags is a good example.

 

C

[Ellin]

Hi TinaniT,

 

You remind me of myself several years ago.

 

I left my abusive H and had one young child. I had plenty of big reasons to leave him. I met someone else, fell in love and started the D.

 

After nearly 2 years I went back to my H (the D wasn't finalised and I didn't go ahead with it).

 

I thought the way you do now. I didn't love him, but he was the father of my child, the REAL father, I suddenly thought that it mattered a lot. I ended the other R, because I thought it wasn't serious enough, that the man I was with was never going to be the same as the real father, I didn't want a messed up life in case this didn't work out and I'd end up with yet another man, my daughter seeing all this etc..... I thought maybe it was better to give the M another chance and it if worked we would be a proper family.

 

While I was away from my H he SEEMED to change for the better. The first time it didn't seem to be just words, but also actions.

 

But the truth is, I was kidding myself to a degree.

 

We got back together and stayed together another few years and went on to have two more children, until I D him properly.

 

Now I can say that I'd have been better off if I never had returned to him, but I wasn't ready to make that choice then, for the reasons I won't go into (something very personal).

 

He didn't change and things were as bad as before, but in a slightly different way. The effort he was making while we were separated ended soon after we were together again and I was pregnant. Not only that, but he also took his "revenge" for the separation and whatever I did during that time that he couldn't keep under his control.

 

In the end, when I wanted to get the D the second time, he started the same old story - didn't want to lose me etc. I told him I'd give him one more chance just for the sake of fairness (even though I didn't want to), but there had to be more than words. I told him what he needed to do, and one of the things was to enrol on a program for abusers, because I knew that was the ONLY chance of any real change. That obviously didn't happen, but instead he tried to stop me in different ways. So I wasted more time, before I finally got out.

 

After getting out of the abusive M I started to feel better than ever. For the first time in my life things started to feel normal or close to it. To the point where I finally had the strength to look back at my life and see what a mess it had been. It sent me into a depression for a while, because I realised how much pain I had gone through unnecessarily. But I'm much stronger now and never ever regretted for one second getting out of this M.

 

I'm convinced now that the situation for my children is much healthier when I'm out of it, then it would be if I was still married to him. I can tell you more about it, if you're interested, just ask.

 

That's how it was for me.

 

TinaniT, you need to take your time and think about it from every angle. Just imagine, in as much detail and as realistically as you can, every one of your options, then decide what it is you really want.

 

If you don't love your H, then I don't think it's a good idea to carry on with him (but that's just my opinion). Your son will still have a relationship with his father. My kids do, minus the stress that they would have had a home if he and I were still together. But it's your decision and what will work the best for you.

 

Try to separate in your mind the issue of your H from of issue of your MM. Just think of what you want to do about your marriage first. If you decide you don't want to stay in it, then you are free to have another R and then you can think about everything that being with your MM involves and you can discuss it with him. That seems reasonable to me.

 

Take care.

Edited June 19, 2010 by Ellin

[jennie-jennie]

Presume I'm misreading this reply ... because I just can't see how going straight from one abusive relationship into another one with a fair number of red flags is a good example.

 

C

 

(What many seem to fail to recognize is that people like Tinanit are already in the new relationship. She is not going from one relationship to another. She at one point in time was in both relationships at the same time, and now I presume she is only in the relationship with her MM.)

 

The good example I am talking about is caring for your own happiness, wanting to be with the person you love, working for that to become possible. Life is not always simple and easy, and when our children see us still handle that successfully in one way or another it will help them when they themselves need to face the problems life hands them as adults.

[jj33]

Tina Listen to Fallen Angel she has been there. Lots of women have been in your situation

 

Leaving an abuser is ALWAYS the right thing to do. ALWAYS

 

Maybe he can change maybe he cant but at this moment he has not changed yet and you cant put yourself back in that position.

 

It must have taken great strength and courage to leave. STAY AWAY.

 

 

Your priority right now your ONLY priority must be hte wellbeing of you and your children.

 

This means doing whatever you need to do to make a new life for yourself and the children.

 

Dont worry about MM. He knows the issues you are dealing with and he is there to support you.

 

You cant move forward with MM in any real way until you are out of the marriage.

 

When you look back on this in a year or two you will be so proud of yourself for breaking this cycle of abuse regardless of whether you are with MM.

 

Big hugs

[fooled once]

I didn't read in your first post on this thread about him making your lick toilets.... I don't normally go back to read a person's history, as that would take all day to make a comment on a post.

 

Since I didn't KNOW that, and it has come to my attention that I am just a horrible human being for not knowing that and telling you to slow down and make sure divorce is what you want........ I would like you to know I would never tell someone to stay with an abuser.

 

Definitely follow through on the divorce. Like I said, I didn't know about the licking toilets. I apologize to YOU for saying this

 

f you have ANY doubts (which is sounds like you do) SLOW down. There is NO rush to get divorced RIGHT THIS SECOND.

 

Get divorced, but I personally would slow down on any relationship. I think you need some time alone (with your son) to decide what it is you truly want.

 

Good luck to you.

[TinaniT]

Thank you all for your help.

 

I am feeling much better now. Both from you, and the 6 hours of exercise I just got back from (pulling my son behind me in his trailer for 4 hours on the bike while he slept, then running while he played with his cousin for 2 hours...)

 

I am feeling things are much more clear. I was really weak last night. I am feeling somewhat embarrassed but you all have been without exception wonderful. I am really glad I found this board.

[TinaniT]

I didn't read in your first post on this thread about him making your lick toilets.... I don't normally go back to read a person's history, as that would take all day to make a comment on a post.

 

Since I didn't KNOW that, and it has come to my attention that I am just a horrible human being for not knowing that and telling you to slow down and make sure divorce is what you want........ I would like you to know I would never tell someone to stay with an abuser.

 

Definitely follow through on the divorce. Like I said, I didn't know about the licking toilets. I apologize to YOU for saying this

 

 

 

Get divorced, but I personally would slow down on any relationship. I think you need some time alone (with your son) to decide what it is you truly want.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Fooled once, I had not posted about that yet, until after your post, actually in response to your post, and I hope I didn't imply you were a bad person for your advice. I thought it was excellent and cautious, and felt that you were posting from a place of concern.

[fooled once]

Hi tt,

 

Without in any way downing your MM or judging your situation can I just point out that you DON'T KNOW that the bit in bold is true ...

 

Growing up in a loving household would, of course, be better for any child ... but what you DON'T KNOW is that MM would provide this.

 

You BELIEVE he will, but you don't know ...

 

Equally you don't know whether going back with your H will be good or bad .. you BELIEVE it might be good for your son but your not sure ...

 

So you've given yourself two choices .. both unknowns ... and its not just your happiness you are "gambling" with ... it is your son's as well.

 

We also seem to have a time pressure or need to make a decision added to the mix ..

 

Also, you have to consider how "in control" you feel right now to make big decisions which affect your son's life ...

 

I don't know what is the right answer for you, all I can suggest is that getting your own "space" will allow your head to clear, the pressures to drop and you to clearly work out what is right for you as a person and mother.

 

Time, far from working against you , can be your friend here ...

 

your son can have a GREAT relationship with his dad even if you are living separate ... heck you can even hang out on odd evenings together if its what YOU want .. and over the time (which could be years) maybe your will really see that H and you have both changed...

 

equally .. time will show you if MM really does leave his Wife of HIS OWN accord ...

 

Both these people (H and MM) have an interest in shortennig your perceived timescales ... however .. surely your interest is to lengethen the timescales, let's get to a couple of years (!!!) over which time their real motives will become clear and all the while YOU will becomnig clearer about what you want.

 

One final thought .. you MM is much older and more experienced than you .. he KNOWS you are just coming out of an abusive relationship and he knows you are confused right now ... he should be aware enough at that age to know that he shouldn't be sleeping with you right now .... that what you need is friendship and time to heal.

 

I am not saying he is bad .. just at that age he should be aware of it ... I am 41 and I KNOW that any girl who has come straight out of childhood and into a long relationship (abusive or not) needs SPACE to find her self.

 

THAT is love ... imho.

 

Slightly tounge in cheek: if he thinks you are truly "in a good position" and able to make these decisions then challenge him .. ask him to go to lawyers with you on Monday and sign a document giving you joint ownership of his assets ... If he fully trusts and respects your judgement then no problem !!!

 

Somehow, though, I doubt it :)

 

Not criticising just trying to get you to think abuot yourself rather than other people !!!! :)

 

Change the timelines .. SLOW it down .. genuine people will still remain in your life and will continue to behave decently :)

 

This, IMHO, is the BEST advice on this thread. Excellent post.

[fooled once]

Fooled once, I had not posted about that yet, until after your post, actually in response to your post, and I hope I didn't imply you were a bad person for your advice. I thought it was excellent and cautious, and felt that you were posting from a place of concern.

 

Thank you and it was posted from a place of concern, not malice as someone else said to me. I had logged off for the night and didn't see your response to my post. It wasn't you at all...so no worries. I wish you the best of luck in your future and I think, as long as you put you and your son's welfare about anything else, you will do just fine. Good luck.

[bestplayer]

That's just it; I do not love my husband. I have wished many times he would just disappear like he threatened to do -- then it would be his choice and not mine, and not me being selfish...

I do love my son. That is where the struggle comes in.

 

I also lvoe MM. And part of me wonders if I am hurting him and his kids, and his ultimate happiness. f thst makes any sense.

 

 

ok you do not love your husband & then it doesn't matter how much he changes himself . You wouldn't suddenly start loving him .

[U2RockZz]

"That's just it; I do not love my husband."

 

 

then do not go,do not waste his time(stbx)....get a divorce....move on with or with out MM

[TinaniT]

ok you do not love your husband & then it doesn't matter how much he changes himself . You wouldn't suddenly start loving him .

 

I don't think so either.

 

My husband said that he knows, and has said plenty that he doesn't really love me past as the mother of his son, but that it can be built.

We were much closer to the same page about going forward, months and months ago, before I met anyone, until he realized how much child support he'd owe, and I guess how hard following through on his threat to disappear would actually be.

[Fallen Angel]

I didn't read in your first post on this thread about him making your lick toilets.... I don't normally go back to read a person's history, as that would take all day to make a comment on a post.

 

Since I didn't KNOW that, and it has come to my attention that I am just a horrible human being for not knowing that and telling you to slow down and make sure divorce is what you want........ I would like you to know I would never tell someone to stay with an abuser.

 

Definitely follow through on the divorce. Like I said, I didn't know about the licking toilets. I apologize to YOU for saying this

 

 

 

Get divorced, but I personally would slow down on any relationship. I think you need some time alone (with your son) to decide what it is you truly want.

 

Good luck to you.

 

No one has accused you of being a horrible human being.

 

Accused you of using poor judgement in giving one of your standard cookie cutter responses meant only to further your own adgenda despite the actual circumstance of the OP. Yes, i agree that is something I did. I will do it everytime I see it. Because everytime you do it, you are doing the OP a disservice. Period.

 

So you can stop with all the dramatics,

 

Had you bothered to actually read what had been posted to the OP in responses by people who actually took the time to really read her posts, you would see that almost everyone has told her that the relationship with her MM should be the least of her concerns right now, except that his emotional support may be invaluable to her at this time. (My sweetheart believing in me and his constant reassurance that I was a person of great value helped me to overcome the years of self-esteem destruction I had endured at the hands and mouth of my now x-husband.) If she needs that emotional support to make what may be a potentially life-saving change in her life, then she should not be pushed to give that up at this time.

 

 

 

Thank you and it was posted from a place of concern, not malice as someone else said to me. I had logged off for the night and didn't see your response to my post. It wasn't you at all...so no worries. I wish you the best of luck in your future and I think, as long as you put you and your son's welfare about anything else, you will do just fine. Good luck.

 

Obviously a mis-statement of fact based on the time stamps of the posts.

 

Choosing not to read is different from not being here to read. Just saying...

 

again, no one accused you of malice. Simply of attempting to further your own private agenda at the possible expense of someone else's emotional and or physical wellbeing. *shrug*

Edited June 19, 2010 by Fallen Angel

[fooled once]

You know FA, I am sure I will get an infraction for this, but again ENOUGH.

 

Look at the time stamps - hers was posted at 10:26 where she explains the abuse and mine was posted at 10:27. I was WRITING when she posted -- as quick as I am typing, I can't type all that I typed in a minute after READING her post from 10:26. Just saying.... *shrug* .

 

So don't call me a liar - I am sick of your games and your crap. ENOUGH. Put me on ignore. I have alerted Tony to your post calling into question MY integrity by calling me a liar regarding logging out.

 

You don't like me - I don't like you! Got it! You don't like my advice. Got it. SKIP MY POSTS and put me on ignore. I don't know how 'nicer' to ask of this. NEVER would I ever tell someone to stay with an abuser - how dare you - HOW DARE YOU - accuse me of that - not only on this thread but via PM.

 

I have NO agenda (again, WRONG on your part) and I don't use 'cookie cutter advice'. You just said YOU do it, but it is wrong for anyone else? Gotcha. FA's advice is the ONLY advice allowed.

 

So get off YOUR high horse and back off. SKIP my posts. It will solve everything. But I will continue to give the advice *I* believe to be the best advice - and if you don't like it, that is on you.

Edited June 19, 2010 by fooled once

[Fallen Angel]

You know FA, I am sure I will get an infraction for this, but again ENOUGH.

 

Look at the time stamps - hers was posted at 10:26 where she explains the abuse and mine was posted at 10:27. I was WRITING when she posted -- as quick as I am typing, I can't type all that I typed in a minute after READING her post from 10:26. Just saying.... *shrug* .

 

So don't call me a liar - I am sick of your games and your crap. ENOUGH. Put me on ignore. I have alerted Tony to your post calling into question MY integrity by calling me a liar regarding logging out.

 

You don't like me - I don't like you! Got it! You don't like my advice. Got it. SKIP MY POSTS and put me on ignore. I don't know how 'nicer' to ask of this. NEVER would I ever tell someone to stay with an abuser - how dare you - HOW DARE YOU - accuse me of that - not only on this thread but via PM.

 

I have NO agenda (again, WRONG on your part) and I don't use 'cookie cutter advice'. You just said YOU do it, but it is wrong for anyone else? Gotcha. FA's advice is the ONLY advice allowed.

 

So get off YOUR high horse and back off. SKIP my posts. It will solve everything. But I will continue to give the advice *I* believe to be the best advice - and if you don't like it, that is on you.

 

I didn;t say I used cookie cutter response, I said I called you out on yours, again a failure on your part to actualy read what was written.

 

and yes, you did tell her to stay with her abuser, it is here in black and white for everyone to see.. you told me in pm that you were putting me on ignore.. obviously another mis-statement of fact. yet here you are attempting to call into question my integrity.. lmaoooooooooo

[jthorne]

Well, since infractions are likely to be handed out, might as well sign me up for one since I'm on my way out anyway.

I resent FO's honesty and integrity being questioned.

When I first came here, FO was one of the only people willing to support me in ending my A. She's been a big help to me and others, and I'll not stand for this ridiculous namecalling. I know for sure that FO would NEVER encourage anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. I think she's made that clear, and the issue should be dropped. Questioning her intent does nothing to help the OP here.

 

I'm very sorry for the threadjack, OP.

[jthorne]

I'm not going to speak to this again, as it offers no help to the OP.

FO says she missed the post about the toilet. I believe her. And if you could get past your anger for a moment, you would know if your heart that she would not tell someone to stay in an abusive relationship. It's not really for me to say, but I believe her first marriage was abusive. I have never seen her tell anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. She addressed this to the OP, and the OP accepted her explanation.

 

Since this does not help the OP, could we possibly put this behind us?