Struggling...

June 19, 2010

My stbxhusband is wanting me to come back.

I'm struggling with the decision to stay away.

I am under no delusion that I love my husband. He was abusive. And while he has been acting contrite and differently, since before I left, actually, when I was just talking about the divorce, I have seen the song and dance before. I know better. Even my counselor (that MM paid for to help me through all this, and my childhood) who doesn't take a firm stand of what I should or should not do on anything, said not to do this. But part of me wanders, well maybe he could change... if properly motivated... And I know I will never love him, but I look at my son's face, and I do love my son... and my son looks just like him. And some love reflects off that, onto my husband just for giving me my son. And my son adores him. And am I hurting him by not giving a chance at a together family, with everything I have and every moment my husband is still claiming he can change? He started saying he'd go to counseling with me... In the past he always said no, after one failed experience where he thought the counselor was taking my side by saying his behavior and name calling was inappropriate.

And then there's the doubt. My MM is almost done with his divorce. But his wife would be willing to try it again, I think, from what I have heard, and what of his kids? He said he was and is getting a divorce regardless, that the only thing I changed was the time line, moving it up... and now that he's started the process, that he realizes it would have been wrong to keep his wife in a loveless marriage for years while he just waited until divorce.

My MM has been constantly wonderful to me. I love him more than I ever knew possible. We are perfect and I know I will never stop loving him. Normally, it's only happiness. But I do not sleep much right now, with the stress of how to move forward and how to hurt the least amount of people with the actions taken, with first priority being my son, then MM, then anyone else....

We found out just yesterday that his wife, too, has been "seeing" somebody else this whole time, since before we ever met (for years, since before they stopped having sex, it is part of what she was doing spending so much time online- though it was mainly an online, emotional thing with a few meetings), but wanted to never divorce because of the financial and emotional security of the marriage, and knew the whole time, really, but felt happier looking the other way and keeping the status quo in the public, as she was concerned about the image. I keep thinking about his kids, and him, and how stressful it will be for them to be able to see each other. Apparently his wife would welcome him back even with the divorce so close to over, and knowing about me... and his kids could have parents together too. (Except he says, he cannot live in a loveless marriage anymore, and thinks that I'm crazy if I think I can put up with another 16 years in both a loveless and an abusive marriage, because he believes there's no way my husband will change... and giving up any thoughts of med school because my husband will not support that, for sure. And he also said that even if we could stay together, which wouldn't be appropriate, engaging in an affair continuously is too much for us, is not who he wants to be, and he says he loves me too much to have to keep me in hiding and not introduce me to his friends and coworkers and family as anything but his wife...)

No sleep... I'm so stressed in every way... And when I haven't slept for a couple days, and have to keep up energy in the day to be a good mom to my son... I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm not normally like this. I'm normally very rational. Yet occasionally, even with everything coming up my way, it would seem, the stress of all this makes me feel like a madwoman.

And I don't know why I'm posting here, except I thought some might know where I am coming from... (Even though I think I'll feel differently by tomorrow, most the time I am so happy, it's only with no sleep when it really gets to me and I doubt everything)

I've told my MM that I'm struggling, but not the details. I don't want to unduly stress him. He has been concerned from the beginning that I would never leave my husband, and that he was more invested in us than I am, that he was making changes where I was not... The latter is absolutely not true. I love him completely and that is not what I am questioning. I am questioning what is truly best for all our children. I know I haven't met them, but I feel a lot of affection for his children and hate to think that I will hurt them.

Part of this, too, may be that my mother (well, not birthmother, but the woman who raised me after my parents died; I call her mom) goes on and on about how much I am hurting my child by divorcing. She stayed in a physically abusive relationship to this day and was emotionally abusive to us in turn, so I know logically I shouldn't listen to her, but she is who raised me and it is hard to ignore waht she says... My brother tries to support me to hold strong, and thinks I am doing the right thing, but he is not my mother.

I'm not sure if any of this will make sense. Rereading parts, and I know I am writing like a fool, without much clarity... but I had to get it off my chest and I don't know where else to say it. I suppose whatever sense anyone can make of it, I would appreciate. Though I will say what I really want right now is support, because I'm feeling insane and wrong enough in every direction myself, I will take whatever you have for me.

Yes, I've told my counselor, but I am just feeling alone right now. (MM is home with his kids, and I am still firmly declining coming or meeting his children until more time has passed.)

Whew. I really am not so out of control. I usually handle stress well. I'm not sure why I've lost the ability to sleep and cope now.

June 19, 2010

Why do you have to be with anyone at all? Isn't your son enough? If your son was born of a rapist, you wouldn't go back, so why go back to an abuser?

Most of the time, the best thing to do is not the easiest.

Good luck, T.

~BLT

June 19, 2010

It's wondering if I am better to raise my son with his dad, rather than back and forth... where I at least have some control of how my husband acts around his son, and whether he sees him at all (He does not make much time currently with being separated.)

I know that is wrong, and my counselor has said this is the old mindset trying to creep in and not to let it take the better... but after having not slept, and my husband acting contrite and insisting he will change, it is difficult.

It's not so much that I want to be with somebody, as of anybody.

I want to be with the man I love. I am just wondering, is letting who I love guide my decisions selfish at this moment? And do I (as a mom) have a right to be selfish?

MM loves my son like his own. And he is a great father and wonderful to him. I don't think *reason* is prevalent in my head right now. Which is why I questioned posting this, at all. But I needed to not feel alone. (My son is sleeping right now. Taking a break from studying after the big test. No distraction! And I still can't sleep.)

June 19, 2010

You don't sound out of control or mad....you sound like you are under a lot of pressure to make decisions you maybe aren't ready to make right now. I understand all the things you have said but there doesn't seem like much space for you yourself to have some breathing space to be on your own with your kids and give your new R time to grow naturally rather than being forced by practicalities and so on.

Is there any chance you can get some time by moving out, getting your own place and seeing how things progress with your MM and his kids / your kids? It sounds that the relationship has a lot of potential if you can give it room to grow

June 19, 2010

Can I just add that re reading your post - you still love your H and while you are holding on to that there is very little chance that your new R will work out, you need time alone to work this out and it's best that in the meant time your children aren't involved with anyone new if there is any chance you will reconcile with your exH.

June 19, 2010

That's just it; I do not love my husband. I have wished many times he would just disappear like he threatened to do -- then it would be his choice and not mine, and not me being selfish...

I do love my son. That is where the struggle comes in.

I also lvoe MM. And part of me wonders if I am hurting him and his kids, and his ultimate happiness. f thst makes any sense.

June 19, 2010

It is so difficult to take the right decisions, especially when under so much stress. I think for the time being, you're wise to listen to your counselor, take it slow, work through the issues, announce no decisions till you have "tried it on" each way you can think of it and it feels right, now and for the future. You may be on the right path to a much brighter future, if you can just take it slow. Your making quick decisions now cannot solve anyone else's issues, and may have an adverse impact on your own. Especially worrisome is the idea of returning only to receive more abuse.

June 19, 2010

Tina,

My God, but you sound like me not so very long ago.

I left my abusive marriage after 15 years.

I struggled just as you are struggling now as to if I was being fair to my children. The answer is a resounding YES!!!

Leaving was the best thing I ever did.

It was the best thing i ever did for myself.

It was the best thing I ever did for my children.

Staying in my abusive marriage was teaching my son it is okay to abuse women. Staying in my abusive marriage was teaching my daughters it is okay to be abused.

My children now have no relationship with their father. That was a choice he made. I had my children calling him twice a week on a schedule. he changed his phone number. They wrote him letters. He moved and left no forwarding address.

My children still miss and love their father. As they should. He is their father.

But as I was typing out this response my now 12 yr old daughter walked out to the porch to tell me that she loved me. I asked her if she is happy. She asked what i meant, so i told her what you are going through, and the struggle that I went through. (She remembers my insomnia *I averaged only about 2-3 hrs of sleep a day for almost a year*, she remembers my huge weightloss *while I looked better I was NOT HEALTHIER FOR IT!*)

She told me to pass on to you, that she is happier now. She is happier because she never has to be afraid that when she goes to sleep she will be awakened by me crying and being hurt. She said she is happier now because she finally sees me happy. She says she is happier because now she can be just like any other kid. She said that even losing the relationship with her father, she would never want things back the way they were. She is happier now.

((hugs))

You will get through this. We are here for you.

June 19, 2010

wow...you sound like so much like my xMW..and I have to say this...YOUR NOT READY PERIOD....ugh I feel for your MM he better be ready for this meaning YOU...cause I know what it did to me. UGH!!! Good luck and keep posting.

June 19, 2010

My stbxhusband is wanting me to come back.

I'm struggling with the decision to stay away.

I am under no delusion that I love my husband. He was abusive. And while he has been acting contrite and differently, since before I left, actually, when I was just talking about the divorce, I have seen the song and dance before. I know better. Even my counselor (that MM paid for to help me through all this, and my childhood) who doesn't take a firm stand of what I should or should not do on anything, said not to do this. But part of me wanders, well maybe he could change... if properly motivated... And I know I will never love him, but I look at my son's face, and I do love my son... and my son looks just like him. And some love reflects off that, onto my husband just for giving me my son. And my son adores him. And am I hurting him by not giving a chance at a together family, with everything I have and every moment my husband is still claiming he can change? He started saying he'd go to counseling with me... In the past he always said no, after one failed experience where he thought the counselor was taking my side by saying his behavior and name calling was inappropriate.

And then there's the doubt. My MM is almost done with his divorce. But his wife would be willing to try it again, I think, from what I have heard, and what of his kids? He said he was and is getting a divorce regardless, that the only thing I changed was the time line, moving it up... and now that he's started the process, that he realizes it would have been wrong to keep his wife in a loveless marriage for years while he just waited until divorce.

My MM has been constantly wonderful to me. I love him more than I ever knew possible. We are perfect and I know I will never stop loving him. Normally, it's only happiness. But I do not sleep much right now, with the stress of how to move forward and how to hurt the least amount of people with the actions taken, with first priority being my son, then MM, then anyone else....
We found out just yesterday that his wife, too, has been "seeing" somebody else this whole time, since before we ever met (for years, since before they stopped having sex, it is part of what she was doing spending so much time online- though it was mainly an online, emotional thing with a few meetings), but wanted to never divorce because of the financial and emotional security of the marriage, and knew the whole time, really, but felt happier looking the other way and keeping the status quo in the public, as she was concerned about the image. I keep thinking about his kids, and him, and how stressful it will be for them to be able to see each other. Apparently his wife would welcome him back even with the divorce so close to over, and knowing about me... and his kids could have parents together too. (Except he says, he cannot live in a loveless marriage anymore, and thinks that I'm crazy if I think I can put up with another 16 years in both a loveless and an abusive marriage, because he believes there's no way my husband will change... and giving up any thoughts of med school because my husband will not support that, for sure. And he also said that even if we could stay together, which wouldn't be appropriate, engaging in an affair continuously is too much for us, is not who he wants to be, and he says he loves me too much to have to keep me in hiding and not introduce me to his friends and coworkers and family as anything but his wife...)

No sleep... I'm so stressed in every way... And when I haven't slept for a couple days, and have to keep up energy in the day to be a good mom to my son... I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm not normally like this. I'm normally very rational. Yet occasionally, even with everything coming up my way, it would seem, the stress of all this makes me feel like a madwoman.

And I don't know why I'm posting here, except I thought some might know where I am coming from... (Even though I think I'll feel differently by tomorrow, most the time I am so happy, it's only with no sleep when it really gets to me and I doubt everything)

I've told my MM that I'm struggling, but not the details. I don't want to unduly stress him. He has been concerned from the beginning that I would never leave my husband, and that he was more invested in us than I am, that he was making changes where I was not... The latter is absolutely not true. I love him completely and that is not what I am questioning. I am questioning what is truly best for all our children. I know I haven't met them, but I feel a lot of affection for his children and hate to think that I will hurt them.

Part of this, too, may be that my mother (well, not birthmother, but the woman who raised me after my parents died; I call her mom) goes on and on about how much I am hurting my child by divorcing. She stayed in a physically abusive relationship to this day and was emotionally abusive to us in turn, so I know logically I shouldn't listen to her, but she is who raised me and it is hard to ignore waht she says... My brother tries to support me to hold strong, and thinks I am doing the right thing, but he is not my mother.

I'm not sure if any of this will make sense. Rereading parts, and I know I am writing like a fool, without much clarity... but I had to get it off my chest and I don't know where else to say it. I suppose whatever sense anyone can make of it, I would appreciate. Though I will say what I really want right now is support, because I'm feeling insane and wrong enough in every direction myself, I will take whatever you have for me.

Yes, I've told my counselor, but I am just feeling alone right now. (MM is home with his kids, and I am still firmly declining coming or meeting his children until more time has passed.)

Whew. I really am not so out of control. I usually handle stress well. I'm not sure why I've lost the ability to sleep and cope now.

You are 26 and the MM is 44. BIG age difference, almost 20 years. As much as you don't think it will play a part in your life down the road, it will.

Your MM has children that he has a responsibility to.

I married a man with 2 kids from his first marriage. I tell you this because of the step situation. I don't believe the MM loves your son like his own. He loves him, is found of him, cares about him, but not like his own. This is an incredibly hard thing to do, no matter how much you 'love' the stepkids. Especially hard for a man, IMHO.

Steplife is NOT easy at ALL. My steps were 6 and 14 when I entered their life. Boy and girl. The girl was okay for a couple years, but around 10, she became horrible. She hated that my son lived with her dad and she didn't (although she had the chance to live with us, she declined so I never took her jealousy that serious).

My steps quit visiting because dad's house is boring, there are rules, they had chores. See mom was a hippie, laid back, don't want to go to school, don't have to type of mom. The type of mom who did her kids homework for them, let them run wild, drop out of high school because it was "too hard", allowed my stepson to smoke dope in the house, drink underage, etc. Dad and stepmom were the opposite of that.

There were many, many horrid years dealing with the drama of the kids and the ex wife who liked to tell us how to run our home, who liked to criticize MY husband for trying to instill boundaries and rules for her precious children I was in my mid 30's going through this and let me tell you, it was by far the HARDEST experience of my life. Raising my son alone, getting a divorce, etc was a walk in the park compared to this.

Many times I wanted to leave the marriage - to date my H but not live together. I couldn't stand his kids for years for the damage they did to my H, that I allowed them to do to my M and I wanted my son FAR from it all.

It is now 12 years later and the steps live 3000 miles away (thank God). Even their father is glad they are 3000 miles away because of all the chaos, issues and drama they brought. Heck, even 3000 miles away they try to cause it. They expect US to foot their bills, they both can't pay their bills, have jobs that are barely above minimum wage, my stepson has gotten 3 girls pregnant and didn't have the money to give the girls for abortions (he refuses to wear condoms, he doesn't like the way they feel), etc, etc....

Think long and hard about step life. If they have any idea of you being the OW, it could cause even MORE issues. They could resent your child for living with "their" dad. They may never have a relationship with you, your son and maybe their dad. Who knows.

My son on the other hand has flourished with having my H as his stepfather. My son is taking my H out for Father's Day -- he isn't taking his biodad out because he knows it was my H who helped raise him, not his bio dad.

If you have ANY doubts (which is sounds like you do) SLOW down. There is NO rush to get divorced RIGHT THIS SECOND. Don't worry about the MM - let him deal with his own stuff. YOU deal with your own marriage/divorce. Believe it or not, there are 'abusers' who change. There are 'abusers' who get help and become great people. You say he verbally abused you - what do you mean by this? Called you names? Was this daily? Did alcohol play a factor? I am by NO means demeaning abuse - I was physically abused by my ex --- which is one of the many reason why he is my ex.

Slow down. Take your time. I know you are getting a lot of financial assistance from the MM...don't make that be the 'reason' you divorce.

Maybe it will make you feel better to go to counseling with your ex - see if there is anything - ANYTHING - left.

Good luck.

June 19, 2010

TinaniT, your post makes me hurt hon. What you have is really not as complicated as you think it is.

Reasons to not go back to your husband.

You don't love him
He has abused you, and 98% of abusers don't change
You love someone else, your heart is elsewhere
The most important reason NOT to go back, is because you love your son. Even though this stbx is your son's father, you owe a better life to your child than to subject him to living in conditions that aren't optimal. Abusive is NOT optimal, in fact you will damage your child if you stay, if it hasn't already.

Now......about the MM, don't focus on him, let him take care of HIS life and concentrate on yours and continue your IC and DO THE RIGHT thing for your son. If the love that you and MM share is real, then things will work out, but don't stress so much about that part of it right now. Take care of yourself first. Hugs..........

June 19, 2010

Not every step-child/step-parent relationship is a nightmare.

I still have a relationship with my step-children from my now defunct marriage. Neither of them (my step-daughters) still maintain a relationship with their father.

Was it easy? Not always.

Was it worth it to know and love these two wonderful young girls who are now two wonderful young women? You bet your a$$ it was.

But honestly, that should be the very least of your thoughts right now.

The relationship between you and your stbDM and that between you and possible future step children should not be your focus.

Your focus should be getting out of what you know to be a dead end, abusive, loveless marriage.

Can abusive people change? Yes, they can.

Do they often? No.

What is more common is for the abuse to escalate.

I know that. You know that.

You have already lived it, have you not?

You KNOW what you need to do.

Take care of you and your son. The rest will take care of itself in time.

((hugs))

STAY STRONG! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

June 19, 2010

YOU deal with your own marriage/divorce. Believe it or not, there are 'abusers' who change. There are 'abusers' who get help and become great people. You say he verbally abused you - what do you mean by this? Called you names? Was this daily? Did alcohol play a factor? I am by NO means demeaning abuse - I was physically abused by my ex --- which is one of the many reason why he is my ex.
k.

Yes, he verbally abused me.

He had physically abused me before (before I was pregnant and married him, I'm ashamed to admit) but when I threatened to leave he did stop that. Which is where I hope he'll change.

The verbal abuse, it was name calling, it was completely restricting access to money, it was going out and sleeping with other women to punish me, once (I can't believe I'm admitting this) when I didn't clean the toilet it was pushing me and holding me down there until I licked it clean. I had some other details in my original thread. The worse stuff is earlier on, truthfully, rather than later. By the time I met my MM, we had several chats of divorce, and while he threatened to disappear or do whatever he could to ruin me if I did so, after the discussions, he stopped the worst of the behavior and it was mainly name calling, financial restriction, and occasional fits - most of which I could handle by not making mistakes (making sure dinner was on the table when he got home and that he had lunches packed and ready before work, not asking him to do stuff and keeping son away when he came home and wanted to watch tv, making sure beds were made, etc. pretty simple stuff, though sometimes it was not something I could handle if he was mad about something else) The names were mainly stupid, fat, selfish--- he told me a year ago he wasn't attracted to me anymore (my appearance hasn't changed, though I did start standing up to him around this time, mainly to make sure he wouldn't say what he had to say in front of my son).

It wasn't daily. If it was daily, I would have left sooner (or if it was ever aimed towards my son, it absolutely was not.) Some days he was wonderful... especially if I made no mistakes. Some days he didn't even care if I did make a mistake. Some days he was great and the others seemed like a dream... and he would tell me sometimes that I exaggerated the other stuff-- which I believed until I started journaling and referring back to it and realized I was not insane there.

June 19, 2010

*sigh*

I don't recall saying EVERY step situation is a nightmare. I responded with MY POV.

If you read my post, I even pointed out that my son and his step father have a very good relationship.

I would also like to see the stats people are putting out there about how abusers don't change. I guess this is true for all 'bad' behaviors than right? Cheaters don't change. Liars don't change. Thieves don't change. Etc....

June 19, 2010

wow...you sound like so much like my xMW..and I have to say this...YOUR NOT READY PERIOD....ugh I feel for your MM he better be ready for this meaning YOU...cause I know what it did to me. UGH!!! Good luck and keep posting.

God, I hope I don't hurt him. I love him so much. He has been so wonderful to me.

June 19, 2010

*sigh*

I don't recall saying EVERY step situation is a nightmare. I responded with MY POV.

If you read my post, I even pointed out that my son and his step father have a very good relationship.

I would also like to see the stats people are putting out there about how abusers don't change. I guess this is true for all 'bad' behaviors than right? Cheaters don't change. Liars don't change. Thieves don't change. Etc....

he made her LICK A TOILET FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Yeah, let's encourage her to stay in that relationship. OMFG! I GIVE UP!!!

June 19, 2010

Slow down. Take your time. I know you are getting a lot of financial assistance from the MM...don't make that be the 'reason' you divorce.

Oh, it is not ongoing assistance, but one time. That is, he thinks that even if I don't end up with him I need to be out of the marriage and wanted to make sure I didn't feel beholden to anybody while I finish school, including him. There are no strings on that gift.

June 19, 2010

She told me to pass on to you, that she is happier now. She is happier because she never has to be afraid that when she goes to sleep she will be awakened by me crying and being hurt. She said she is happier now because she finally sees me happy. She says she is happier because now she can be just like any other kid. She said that even losing the relationship with her father, she would never want things back the way they were. She is happier now.

((hugs))

You will get through this. We are here for you.

Thank you so very, very, very much. I can't tell you how much peace this brought me.

June 19, 2010

Now......about the MM, don't focus on him, let him take care of HIS life and concentrate on yours and continue your IC and DO THE RIGHT thing for your son. If the love that you and MM share is real, then things will work out, but don't stress so much about that part of it right now. Take care of yourself first. Hugs..........

This is a good point for me to hear.

It's similar to what MM told me, that I'm letting everything overwhelm me and I need to just focus on what's most important, getting to a healthier place for my son and I first... but it seems like one thought just leads to another until I am overwhelmed. Probably a good reason not to go about all this in the way I did, meeting someone before leaving.... but here I am.

June 19, 2010

God, I hope I don't hurt him. I love him so much. He has been so wonderful to me.

Well I thought she loved me too...but in the end. She never came....there was always an excuse...you are even focusing on him and his situation. You need to only focus on you....if indeed you are done with your marriage only focus on what YOU have to do. He will handle his business.

Stop listening to the damn voices in your head....If you do anything let him go and don't string him along... If you can't give him a reasonable time frame then tell him. Just be honest and say YOU ARE NOT READY.

One more thing....go to therapy if you've encountered abuse then it's going to be that much harder....My MW delt with it and still is.....UGH...

June 19, 2010

Because I didn't respond individually to every post, I wanted to say I have read and appreciated every one who took the time to read and respond. It really has helped me feel better, all perspectives... It is making me feel a little more in control and a little less mad, and more like I can handle this and come through stronger. I don't feel alone right now, and that helps a lot.

June 19, 2010

since you seem pressured and a little torn - decide nothing. delay any need to decide. there's absolutely no reason to make decisions at this time. sit back, relax - and take care of you and your son without the pressure of the men in your life.

to stay away and be neutral with it all should give you much needed clarity.

June 19, 2010

Well I thought she loved me too...but in the end. She never came....there was always an excuse...you are even focusing on him and his situation. You need to only focus on you....if indeed you are done with your marriage only focus on what YOU have to do. He will handle his business.

Stop listening to the damn voices in your head....If you do anything let him go and don't string him along... If you can't give him a reasonable time frame then tell him. Just be honest and say YOU ARE NOT READY.

One more thing....go to therapy if you've encountered abuse then it's going to be that much harder....My MW delt with it and still is.....UGH...

I am in therapy currently.

June 19, 2010

He said he was and is getting a divorce regardless, that the only thing I changed was the time line, moving it up... and now that he's started the process, that he realizes it would have been wrong to keep his wife in a loveless marriage for years while he just waited until divorce.

Sounds like this was a exit affair for your MM...like me I was the same way. Just understand even though it is a exit affair for him he's thinking he's going to end up with the prize which is YOU. So make sure you keep communicating and be honest to him.....just remember he's showing you what he's doing by his ACTIONS. You have to do the same or let him go.

I've told my MM that I'm struggling, but not the details. I don't want to unduly stress him. He has been concerned from the beginning that I would never leave my husband, and that he was more invested in us than I am, that he was making changes where I was not... The latter is absolutely not true. I love him completely and that is not what I am questioning. I am questioning what is truly best for all our children. I know I haven't met them, but I feel a lot of affection for his children and hate to think that I will hurt them.

Please never use the kids for an excuse..that is the biggest excuse of them all....if you are truly in an unhappy abusive marriage as I was my kids begged me to leave. Read this book it opened my eyes...."Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft.

Read in bold

June 19, 2010

Well, I don't mean to be flip here, but any man that made me lick a toilet, would find their organ necessary for using said toilet severely compromised. That's not just abuse, it's sadistic. I would not personally be open to giving second chances. Especially if I had a son old enough to know what's going on.

Isn't it natural with any big decision to question whether you are doing the right thing? I don't know about your MM, but you had a reason for divorcing your husband. His words don't really change that reason, do they really? Don't all abusers say they are sorry, they will never do it again? Until the next time? Of course, it's not my marriage or my divorce, but if it was, that ship woulda sailed long ago...

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