4givrnt4gtr Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Ive been thinking a lot about this question lately.... I wonder if i go about relationships all wrong (which MIGHT be the reason why I never had a relationship longer than a year). See....I think that when you find yourself in a relationship where you are thinking to end it....you should. In fact, I think that if you so much have a doubt big enough about the person/relationship to post in this here forum...you need to seriously think about ending it. Its hard for me to stay in a relationship where I can't immediately see a future with the guy...and by immediately i mean like within the first three months or so. But then I feel like Im not giving the guy i chance so I end up stretching it for a couple of more months and then give up.... in any case my question really is....am I wrong for wanting to jump ship at the first sign of trouble (after all, I keep hearing over and over "it only gets worse") or of someone not being what I have in my head as potential marriage material? Im in a relationship where...though the guy treats me like a queen, and by all accounts is a great guy, his insecurity, past and current emotional problems (which he is working hard on getting over) make me want to run.... I just dont want to regret it later on....
MyNameIsJane Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Ive been thinking a lot about this question lately.... I wonder if i go about relationships all wrong (which MIGHT be the reason why I never had a relationship longer than a year). See....I think that when you find yourself in a relationship where you are thinking to end it....you should. In fact, I think that if you so much have a doubt big enough about the person/relationship to post in this here forum...you need to seriously think about ending it. Its hard for me to stay in a relationship where I can't immediately see a future with the guy...and by immediately i mean like within the first three months or so. But then I feel like Im not giving the guy i chance so I end up stretching it for a couple of more months and then give up.... in any case my question really is....am I wrong for wanting to jump ship at the first sign of trouble (after all, I keep hearing over and over "it only gets worse") or of someone not being what I have in my head as potential marriage material? Im in a relationship where...though the guy treats me like a queen, and by all accounts is a great guy, his insecurity, past and current emotional problems (which he is working hard on getting over) make me want to run.... I just dont want to regret it later on.... All relationships are tricky - and you may very well regret letting someone go later on in life... or you might be SOOO glad you did. I am similar to you in the sense of not being able to be with someone if I don't see a future with them. I think most people decide within the 90 day period if their partner is someone they could be in it for the long run with. For example... Last year, I knew I didn't want to get married until at least 24 (I was 22)... BUT when I started dating my current bf... I decided within about 3 months if he was someone I could see myself marrying. The answer was yes... but not this moment. No relationship is ever going to be without flaws. Fighting, etc. It is two people trying to make one life/one relationship.... no matter how similar or how much in common a couple has, they aren't without their differences. The important thing is if you can see yourself working through those differences. If you cant. Then its a dealbreaker and there is nothing wrong with you getting out. Don't waste your time. Don't waste theirs. But it is important for you to realize you have flaws as well. And if they are with you, it means they are putting up with yours (even if you don't know what they are!) Its all about compatibility, patience, communication and compromise... oh yeah - and love and sex and fun too! HTH
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 See...im in such a bind.... The thing is....my current bf was emotionally abused as a child by his father who then died when he was young...on top of that his mother is mentally ill, so he pretty much raised himself. Because of all this issues he spent all of his adolescence using drugs (hard drugs) til he was 22. Now he is trying hard to get back on his feet (29 now). He has been sober for 7 year but he still has a lot of personality things that scare me. For instance he is extremely paranoid and thinks most if not all people are not to be trusted and everyone wants to hurt him/us. He also has shown some anger issues, where he lashes out at random people. Like two nights ago, we woke up late and there were workers on the street, just being loud. The first thing he said was "all those people out there? IQ of 70" in a mean kinda angry way. Actually even last night. I just got a kitten, by his recommendation to keep my older cat company. He stayed over and the kitten just loves him so he keeps going to him and curling up with him at night. Last night I woke up to him half asleep saying "this F*ing cat ****" I fell right back to sleep after i took the kitten away from him but i felt kinda weird about it all, especially since he is supposed to take care of the kitten this weekend. The thing though is that aside from incidents like this, he seems like a really really great guy....like, he takes care of others and such....its kinda weird.... I honestly feel like just telling him its over tonight....though he prolly think im a crazy person as just last night I was telling him I loved him so much (which i do, but i am also very scared of what might be given what ive seen so far) What to do what to do....
D-Lish Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 In fact, I think that if you so much have a doubt big enough about the person/relationship to post in this here forum...you need to seriously think about ending it. You should never ignore red flags- or your gut.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Why isn't your boyfriend seeing a therapist? If he's not willing to deal with his problems and work with a professional his problems are only going to seep into the relationship. i remember my last relationship, my ex had insecurity problems, was way too sensitive as a person, and had habits that weren't ideal for a 21 year old. I tried to put up with his problems by making excuses for him but one of my best friends had advised me to really think about the type of guy I should be dating. Sometimes a person's problem can get too excessive for you to handle. You enter a relationship not to fix a person but to build something meaningful. If you feel like you can't help him ( where support at this moment seems useless) then maybe it is time to bail. Your boyfriend, by his behaviour and condescending towards people, seems volatile. If he does not seek help i'm afraid that he might unwillingly drag you down with him.
summerl0vesyou Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 i dont think wanting to bail is necessarily a bad sign...something in you knows that the situation isnt right for you. Im in the same thing too..Ive also learned that its best to just end it when you first think of it. otherwise, more stuff happens, you get more attached, yada yada. I think his emotional issues are a bit too serious. he needs a counselor, not a girlfriend...i had to learn that one the hard way myself. and Ive also been that person that needed help instead of an rship. he will drain the life out of you. good luck making a decision
aerogurl87 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Jumping at the first sign of trouble isn't always good and actually it may be a sign that you have some commitment issues. But I do agree that if something bothers you constantly and you try talking to your SO about it but they don't change or attempt to compromise, then you should end it. I felt that way about my ex and I ended up dragging out something for 4 months when it should've ended at the 2 month mark.
Els Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I don't know your history, so I'll abstain on commenting on your bf's case. I'm pretty sure there's more to the story than just a comment about, 'This ****ing cat...'. About your general question - I honestly think many people, especially here, are advocates of bolting on the first sign of trouble. If all you ever want is a string of fun, laughs, and serial dating, that is possibly good advice. However, if you think about it, NO LTR (at least 2-3 years) has ever been devoid of trouble. The perfect, trouble-free relationship where both partners react perfectly to everything and act just like how relationship rules dictate... is nonexistent. Because we're all humans, and very unique and different humans at that. I am very confident that most people in relationships of 4+ years have had times when they seriously had doubts about whether this relationship was right for them or not. I'm sure there are exceptions, but everyone I've talked to, including my own parents who are currently happily married after 30 years, have agreed to that.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Well, after I posted here I was so ready to end it. I typed up an email where i didnt censor anything i thought. What came out was a lot of fear of "what if" and after reading it I realize all those fears were unfounded given what our relationship has been like for the past three months. Also, that night I brought up the "F*ing cat" incident to him and he said he didnt remember and probably was half asleep. Later that night we were hanging out with his mom (which btw by mentally ill i meant she has a personality disorder, but she is lucid) and he told her about the cat incident. She told me that she has always known that he gets extremely cranky when he is woken up suddenly, so I brought up the other incident about the workers, who again woke him up. He agreed that he hates being woken up rudely and doesn't mean to be mean but it happens. His mom agreed that he has always been mellow and kind but is really cranky in the morning or when woken up which makes it very noticeable because of the contrast of how he usually is. In any case, that calmed me down, but it also made me see how I always assume the worse...i wonder if I do actually have a commitment issue, where I search and search in order to find some excuse for me to bolt...
123BeachFan Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 I think you're doing all the right things here, and it's always a good idea to keep both eyes open going into a relationship like this. I'd recommend doing two things: -Do some soul searching. Do his anger issues trigger something inside of you? Maybe you had a parent who would get angry at a moment's notice, or had a person in your past that was physically violent? If so, his episodes might be bringing out some fears and insecurities you have (baggage). I'd still say his behavior isn't appropriate, but it might help you to understand your feelings as a result. -Have a talk with him and tell him exactly how his behavior makes you feel. Let him know that it's not okay in your book, and you won't tolerate it.
Recommended Posts