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It's official, I'm delusional and a victim of false hope

AlwaysConflicted

By AlwaysConflicted
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Been NC for a month and broke it to say Happy Birthday. A classic and common mistake.

 

I received no response to my email. Don't worry, there wasn't anything mushy or begging involved. But still, what did I expect?

 

"He remembered my B-day, I love him!" Yah right...

 

I am officially delusional, depressed, and after 1 month of false hope I realize I am broken up with. It's actually real. Wow...just wow.

allaces10 New Member

allaces10

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Without knowing how your break up went, she easily could be harboring a lot of a anger and resentment to you, so a birthday wish might not be enough to get anything out of her if that's what you were hoping for. In the future, any small gestures you make you need to make with no expectations in return. Assume you wont hear back from her, or will not get the response you want. I know its her birthday and you cant change the date, but i'd also wait another month or two til you are a lot stronger and can weather this type of stuff before reaching out again if you so choose.

 

Its only been a month, for you its been a lifetime but for her she may only now being starting to miss you. If she's angry and hurt she might not even been doing that yet. I'd say its a little premature and gloom and doom to proclaim things officially over because you didnt get a response to a text or email. Chill out and give her more time...read some self help and relationship books. Work out and throw yourself into making more money. Improve other areas of your life to fill the void for now of the one she was in.

 

Again, without knowing the details, you coming to this realization now, while a more painful, in the long run is probably a good thing. Assume things ARE over 100%. It hurts like crazy now but you'll heal a lot faster and get that much closer to getting your old self back. If she does come around, you'll be better prepared to deal with her and probably have a better shot of making things workout a second time around....

 

Good luck..we've all been there.

harmfulsweetz Established Member

harmfulsweetz

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Keep with NC, it's the best way. We all get like that from time to time. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and you can now move on knowing she intends to not have contact with you, and get to living your life now.

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Without knowing how your break up went, she easily could be harboring a lot of a anger and resentment to you, so a birthday wish might not be enough to get anything out of her if that's what you were hoping for.

 

We didn't have a nasty breakup so there shouldn't be any hostility. It was 4 months of passion and an unbelievable mental connection. We knew instantly that we loved each other. (We're both 30)

 

She may be feeling hurt, but she's not angry. I remember her saying how disappointed she was (probably referring to me and that the relationship didn't work)

 

I've mentioned it in another thread, but final straw was me bailing on a day trip with her parents. 2 days prior to the trip she was telling me that she didn't want to go and wanted to hang out with her friends instead. It hurt my feelings because she didn't want to spend time with me, but I never/couldn't convey that. She said her sister wanted to take my place and was excited to do so. After hearing that I backed down. I thought okay, the family gets to spend a day together, that's great. I still felt bad about canceling, but didn't want to call back and tell her sister that I changed my mind. 1 day later I called to see how the trip went? And I got an earful of how disappointed she was (that I didn't call back to change my mind) which led to her breaking up with me on the phone. I should have raced over to her house to discuss it in person, but I was just so blindsided that it took me a day to understand what happened.

 

The next day I wrote her a heartfelt email and followed it up with flowers at work (which she used to love). She thanked me and said she wanted a few weeks think of everything and maybe seeing a therapist would help her. I told her I loved her and then I went No Contact for a month. Since I never heard from her, I thought she might be waiting for me to make the first move(she always mentioned how a man should be a man and take action).

 

And that brings us to right now. I sent a very short and sweet birthday email yesterday. It basically said that I was thinking of her, happy bday, and that it would be nice to see her. I guess I didn't expect much, but I thought I might get at least a "thanks".

 

Anyways it's just sad that I finally have come to this realization one month after the event happened. I had all this false hope. I even went to the gym nonstop and got built up, starting eating well, got a new job. All in the hopes I could present my new life to her....

 

I feel worse now than I did a day after the breakup. I actually just woke up from a dream where the two of us were talking in person and reconciling. It was awesome until I woke up and realized I was sleeping on my couch alone.

 

I under appreciated my girlfriend, took her for granted and now I'm alone. I'm an EX. I hate myself for my lack of action.

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Wait...I got an email response back from the happy birthday email I sent.

 

It said, "Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday :)"

 

So what do I do next?

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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nothing let it go

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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But I want her back in my life. Doing nothing gets nothing. right?

bananaboat11 Established Member

bananaboat11

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But I want her back in my life. Doing nothing gets nothing. right?

 

 

I say go for it dude! Women like persistence. give her a couple of days (1-2 at most) and call her. Ask to meet up... but remember - you're broken up. Don't be too close, but do not be too distant. Try to feel her out. Talk about her and what she's been up to. If she asks about you, tell her. Don't pour your heart out to her... it's a sensitive issue RIGHT NOW. See if she alludes to getting back together. if she needs some space.. give it. It's a fine line between persistence and stalking (and I know I saw a thread on this).

 

At the same time, show her you stand out. Be the one she wants.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

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Agreed, go for it or you'll always regret never having tried. But remember she may have moved on and is just being friendly and acknowledging your text now. Whatever the reasons that were given for the break-up, she may have been feeling something was wrong for a while and by the time she told you it was over for her anyway. Sorry to be pessimistic but you should be aware of these possibilities. Feeling her out is the best thing now; just see if you can be a friend at the moment and see if, when you express regret at the break-up, she starts to move back towards you and wants to be physically close or keeps her distance.

 

Either this woman wasn't that into you in the first place or you really missed some important signs that you were hurting her in little ways. Was she encouraging you to be involved in her life, kept asking you to be involved with things with her? If not, if she was doing many social things without you and you had to ask to get included, then she wasn't that into you. Either she factored you into her life or you were on the periphery: only you know. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to weigh up the issues and decide whether you precipitated the break-up with your behaviour or whether she was only interested for a while.

 

Not joining in with family things can be seen as a sign of lack of commitment. Maybe that was why she was so hurt at something that you might not have taken so seriously. Maybe she would have broken up with you anyway. You see, it's not clear and you are taking a risk if you try to get back together with her. On the other hand, at least you'll be able to tell yourself you gave it your best.

 

Whatever happens, good luck!

LovelyDaze Established Member

LovelyDaze

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But I want her back in my life. Doing nothing gets nothing. right?

 

 

Wrong. I'm back on LS after succeeding in NOT giving my ex a Happy B-day message. I am immensely proud of that.

 

That's nice that you got a thank you but my boss, Aunt Janie, and neighbor Fred Burns also thanked me sweetly when I sent them birthday greetings.

Don't read too much into it because it will consume your thoughts and eat away at you living your life.

 

Leave it at the birthday greetings and move on. Don't keep yourself in constant agony wondering what her thank you REALLY means.

 

When I became an LS member last October, I was just like you. Great members taught me the gift of NC & it has done amazing wonders!

 

There is not an a percentage of me that wants my ex back now. 8 months later, HE broke NC several times, and as of late, our mutual friend states that he wants out of the relationship with the girl he dumped me for. Oh well...not my problem!

 

Stay NC. If you persists on thoughts to get back together with your ex, you will be in for a world of disappointment and the hell of starting back at Day ONE.

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Thanks for the advice. Personally, I think she's just being nice. I think she's way over this relationship whereas I am clearly not. We were both in love with each other and we both participated in social events together. I think towards the end I was a little moody because I lost my job and a health issue came up. It was a lot of stress on me and caused me to act a little out of character.

 

ME: You were on my mind and I wanted to wish you a very happy birthday! Would be great to see you.

 

HER: Thanks for thinking of me on my birthday :)

 

Notice she ignored my sentence "Would be great to see you."

 

That's not a positive sign that she's entertaining a reconciliation. However, I'm not sure there's much harm in giving her a call in a couple of days. I mean what more damage can actually be done at this point?

ResetReality Established Member

ResetReality

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you could damage the chance of getting back together, she needs to miss you! needs to realize what life it like without you! if you keep pestering her it will not work,

 

NC works both ways, sometimes it takes a week, months maybe even years but if you hear nothing else then its time to move on!

 

if she does contact you after however long of NC then you know that some feelings for you are present, then work from there

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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if you keep pestering her it will not work

 

Pestering? She said she wanted a few weeks to think about stuff. I gave her a month of NC. I only broke contact to wish her a happy birthday.

ResetReality Established Member

ResetReality

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sorry matey, my mistake :eek:

DenverBachelor Established Member

DenverBachelor

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Pestering? She said she wanted a few weeks to think about stuff. I gave her a month of NC. I only broke contact to wish her a happy birthday.

 

If you call her or write her again, you are pestering her. You sent her a birthday and got a response back -- great, but that's not what NC is for in the long-term.

 

I guarantee you (save this post and print it out if you think I'm wrong) that if you pursue her in your state right now, she will distance herself even further from you. She has the power, not you. You're still in love with her and you'll do anything to get her back -- but she doesn't want you back. If she did, she would call you or write more than she did.

 

Her response is just a polite one that she probably felt she needed to type out to remain a decent person. Go out and flirt with other women and just have fun. Buy some new clothes, hit the gym, etc. Forget about her, she's gone.

 

Besides, silence is golden. If she never hears from you, she will think of you from time to time and wonder what you're up to. Let that be your solace from the break up.

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Either way I don't get the girl. If I pester her, I don't get her and if I walk away I don't get her.

 

So shouldn't I go down in the blaze of glory? Guns blazing, eyes crying, waving my flag.

DenverBachelor Established Member

DenverBachelor

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Either way I don't get the girl. If I pester her, I don't get her and if I walk away I don't get her.

 

So shouldn't I go down in the blaze of glory? Guns blazing, eyes crying, waving my flag.

 

What kind of logic is that? If you pester her, you don't get her AT ALL. If you walk away, you don't get her RIGHT NOW. I don't want to fill you with false hopes about NC. It really is for you to heal.

 

Get back out into the game and hang out with friends.

 

If you go out "Guns Blazing," you will destroy any sliver of respect she will ever have for you and just see you as that "crazy guy that she dated for awhile."

 

Do you want to be that guy?

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AlwaysConflicted Established Member

AlwaysConflicted

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Seems to me that logic, emotion and relationships don't really work well together at all. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

But in all honesty, I guess I really just need some kind verbal answer from her to move on and be at peace with the situation. She doesn't have all the facts that are contained within my email. My email isn't the holy grail, but it's a nice reminder of our good times and reasons for my behavior and actions.

 

Deep down, I know you make sense, but I'm in a dark place right now and it's hard for me to move on without an answer.

northstar1 Established Member

northstar1

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I have to agree with Denver.

 

She responded in a polite way, the same way an aquaintace would. Don't read into it. If she wanted to reconnect, or see you, she'd be pretty clear.

 

I did the same thing a few years back with an ex, and got a similiar 'cordial' response. Don't pursue it man, unless I am dead wrong, she's just being friendly. As Denver said, she holds the cards and if you keep pushing it, she will just ignore you.

 

Move on and focus on yourself, don't waste all your time on this one, because I think it's likely not happening

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