jnsac23 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Hi: Im new to this forum. Im hurting like hell. My husband denies every bit of this affair although I find emails, porn and phone numbers on his cell phone that he has no explanation for. Our relationship has been very abusive. He is not been very affectionate with me at all during the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage. I just don't know how someone that you can have kids with and spend that much time with can do these type of things to you? How can they look at you in your eyes and not see what you once had? All I see is hate from him. He hurt me so bad. Im sleeping next to man that stopped loving me and its breaking my heart. I just can't believe he stopped loving me and I don't know when in our lives it happened. That's the scary part.
DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Sorry to hear about that:(..by abusive, what do you mean ,verbally or physically?
Spark1111 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Hi: Im new to this forum. Im hurting like hell. My husband denies every bit of this affair although I find emails, porn and phone numbers on his cell phone that he has no explanation for. Our relationship has been very abusive. He is not been very affectionate with me at all during the last 3 or 4 years of our marriage. I just don't know how someone that you can have kids with and spend that much time with can do these type of things to you? How can they look at you in your eyes and not see what you once had? All I see is hate from him. He hurt me so bad. Im sleeping next to man that stopped loving me and its breaking my heart. I just can't believe he stopped loving me and I don't know when in our lives it happened. That's the scary part. I am so sorry for your pain! Welcome to Loveshack. It probably started when he had his first affair. or it could be the same one. They have to demonize you and the marriage, to justify having an affair. Then they begin to believe it, and it can become self-fulfilling. For me, finding out the truth was almost a relief. It gave me the "why" of his cold and arrogant behavior towards me. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for him. People who have affairs become expert liars. They deny, deny, deny even when confronted with mountains of evidence. If you need solid proof, now is the time to get it. But even in this crazy, painful time, you must make this decision for yourself: IF it is true, what do you intend to do about it? ((((HUGS)))))
Author jnsac23 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Thank you both for your replies. Yes, he's both verbally and physically abusive. He denies everything. I mean I can shove a phone number he just called in his face and he will deny it. He swears on my life, his mother and our daughters lives that he's not doing a thing. I ran a background check on him and found out he was using someone else's address and using variations in his social security card. When I confronted him about it he didn't want to do anything to fix it. I try real hard to keep my appearance up so that maybe he will fall back in love with me and nothing seems to work. I ask everyday what the hell is wrong with him and he just verbally attacks me. How can be so dam cold. They promise to be true to you and its all bull! Im beginning to hate him and its sad because at the same time I love him and want to be with him. Im so confused. Im sorry if I sound all mixed up its just because right now I am. I searched our computer today and I found that he had searched different online bank accounts. Im just afraid Im being set up for a big suprise. I don't know what to do.
Spark1111 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Protect yourself and your children. TODAY! Go speak with an attorney TODAY! Can you afford a Private Investigator? A Keylogger? Or simply, a reverse cell phone look-up, available on line, to see who he is calling? A voice activated recorder left in his car? You need to protect yourself and your assets. You need some concrete proof before you confront him. If he is looking at bank accounts, maybe you should take out half and store it in your name only? Please see an attorney. Call me paranoid, but it sounds like he is planning on leaving...maybe with all the money. Maybe not.
hopesndreams Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Yes, he's both verbally and physically abusive. And emotionally abusive. When did he stop loving you? Sadly, he most likely never did. He is incapable of being able to love you or anyone else.
turnstone Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I think its gone too far to confront him and I don't think you'd get what you want by doing that anyway. Remove yourself from the situation and see a lawyer. Do you have a record of the times that he has physically abused you? Has a hospital or doctor seen you as a result of these times? jnsac23, trust your instincts they're so often right. It sounds as though he is setting you up for a big surprise. As difficult as it can be to do the best thing for yourself, do it for your children, and that's to get out and protect yourself, your children and your assets as as quickly as possible. If nothing else, it gives you options and a level of control over your life, which you just don't have at the moment.
Author jnsac23 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 OMG! I can't believe it. I knew it in my heart that he was probably doing that. Getting ready to leave. How could he do that! He is in law enforcement and if it wasn't for me pushing him to change his career in the first place he wouldn't have even went to the academy. I stood home with 3 little kids so that he could achieve his goal. I hate him! I feel so betrayed!!! One lady of a number I called back that he called said that she didn't know him but I knew she did because we just changed our cell phone number and she said was giving me some big stupid story that he was probably just having a midlife crisis and that her BIL had one and that he just stood with her sister because he didn't want to have to payout child support and spousal support and I would find out sooner or later. She knew too much information. I confronted my husband and he said I don't f'n know her it was just a random wrong number. The thing is I haven't worked for the last 8 years. He works for a local sheriff's department and has kept us secluded. We don't do things with other families with the department. I don't meet any of his friends at his work. We don't mingle with his buddies at his work or anything. He has been with the department for 9 years and have never done a thing with them! Is that strange or what?
Tea Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 this is a broad generalization and really horrible thing that we do here. i'll share it, but please don't pass judgment. i know i ask b/c it's a quick way to get to the point and move forward. at my firm, whenever we get a spouse of a cop needing a divorce the first question we ask the intake person referring the basic info is: "cheater or beater?" Sadly, the response is usually "both."
worlybear Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Get out! Get out! qet out! Take your kids and leave if possible or change the locks when he's out . You do NOT deserve this. Hugs:bunny::bunny:
Author jnsac23 Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Do you know if there is such a document that I can have him sign and notarize that later if he has assets that he is hiding that he will have to divide them. Because I know that he is hiding them. I have tons of online bank accounts that I have found on my computer that he searched and I know that he must have used either alias or different last 4 digist social security card. I ran his credit and it showed variations in his social. He said he would sign such a document because he's not hiding anything but I think he's just saying that because he doesn't care what I find out.
Tea Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Do you know if there is such a document that I can have him sign and notarize that later if he has assets that he is hiding that he will have to divide them. Because I know that he is hiding them. I have tons of online bank accounts that I have found on my computer that he searched and I know that he must have used either alias or different last 4 digist social security card. I ran his credit and it showed variations in his social. He said he would sign such a document because he's not hiding anything but I think he's just saying that because he doesn't care what I find out. Yes, it's called a marriage certificate Get all the account numbers and everything you've dug up. It will all hopefully come up in the discovery process of a divorce proceeding. Don't even bother telling him you know of the other information, it will just cause him to move it. You ask nicely in discovery. If he denies, then you subpoena the banking information directly from the institutions you dug up. If they're closed or empty, ask for the period before they were closed. But, be prepared. It's expensive and it's difficult. People get increasingly creative as to how to hide their assets. Right now is the time to quietly gather all the information/documentation.
CrayonAngel Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 I'm so sorry hon. It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I hope you find it in yourself to walk away from the monster your H has become. Do you have relatives or friends you can go stay with?
Author jnsac23 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 I haven't been to an attorney yet because I'm stupid! Im hoping in a sick way that I could win his love back. I know its not going to happen. He keeps denying the affairs. You don't understand I spent 17 years with this man. I haven't worked in over 10 years. I am a stay at home mom. I raised my girls while he worked 12 to 14 hour shifts to come home take a shower, ignore us and go to sleep. Some nights he would work over time because he's a cop and would just spend maybe an hour talking to us and would just go straight to bed, get up the next morning and the routine would start up again an entire week. Its just not f'n fair!!!!! I'm mad as hell. I can't stand him for what he's doing. I'm afriad for my kids and myself. We lost our house in this last foreclosure wave and had to file bankruptcy and its like it was no sweat off his back. I come to find out that he may have already bought another house with someother person. He keeps telling me its all in my head and that I am crazy b____! and that I need to seek help. He tells my family that he wants to commit me because I have a history of mental health (depression, etc). I tell him well explain the phone numbers and the emails, porn, etc. He says that he can't explain them he can't remember why he called those numbers but they weren't for the reason that I am claiming. I ask him if you don't love me why stay with me and cheat on me? Why don't you just divorce me? He says that he is not cheating on me? But he never initates sex at all. Sometimes even for months. Why would someone want to stay married and still cheat?
turnera Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 A lawyer - a good one - will go AFTER all that other crap he's been building up. He will SEIZE it and give it to YOU. Or rather, have the judge give it to you. You should be mad. You should be furious. And no, you can't just 'win' his love back. So, unfortunately, it's time to put your big girl panties on and start protecting you and your kids. If he loves you (though it's a long shot), by you standing up for yourself and protecting yourself and your kids and GIVING HIM CONSEQUENCES, he MAY wake up and notice, and have his 'rock bottom' moment and come to you in humility and ask for a second chance. But it will NEVER EVER happen, if you just sit back and let him walk all over you.
turnera Posted June 21, 2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Why would someone want to stay married and still cheat?Because it's exactly that - the cheating and the sneaking and the not getting caught - that gives him thrills. Serial cheaters are sick sick people who can NEVER feel true love, because you're just part of the game he plays to get his highs.
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