AmeliaApple Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My husband has been a full time student for the past 2.5 years or so. I worked full and part time while completing my Ph.D. during this time. Finally, I have only one job while my husband is finishing up. He has always mentioned that it concerns him that he cannot financially contribute. Okay....so this summer he has an internship and is making a considerable amount for it (engineering). [his internship is in another town] A week or so before he left for the internship, he informed me that he would be keeping all of this money in his account. Our arrangement when we got married was that I have an account, he has an account, but most of our money goes into our joint account. Now he contributes no money to our joint account. I'm a little pissed. Any insight?
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My husband has been a full time student for the past 2.5 years or so. I worked full and part time while completing my Ph.D. during this time. Finally, I have only one job while my husband is finishing up. He has always mentioned that it concerns him that he cannot financially contribute. Okay....so this summer he has an internship and is making a considerable amount for it (engineering). [his internship is in another town] A week or so before he left for the internship, he informed me that he would be keeping all of this money in his account. Our arrangement when we got married was that I have an account, he has an account, but most of our money goes into our joint account. Now he contributes no money to our joint account. I'm a little pissed. Any insight? He is thinking about taking off from this marriage. He doesn't love you enough to give you his money.
ADF Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Your husband is hiding something from you. I don't know what it is, but he must be. There has to be some reason for this outrageously selfish behavior.
Author AmeliaApple Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I appreciate your swift honesty. My counselor has said the same thing. That it is a selfish thing and an indication of control and distrust. Have things changed? Yes. About 6 months ago or so, I admitted there were things that were not good in our marriage. I went to a counselor alone to see what I could do, then he reluctantly agreed to go with me to a different (male) counselor. The good thing is that my counselor is extremely honest about this. So, your responses sort of confirm what I was told. I think I'm approaching separation. I'm just scared. How strange that we can love someone and be willing to give them everything of ourselves and all we have even if it isn't reciprocal.
pureinheart Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My husband has been a full time student for the past 2.5 years or so. I worked full and part time while completing my Ph.D. during this time. Finally, I have only one job while my husband is finishing up. He has always mentioned that it concerns him that he cannot financially contribute. Okay....so this summer he has an internship and is making a considerable amount for it (engineering). [his internship is in another town] A week or so before he left for the internship, he informed me that he would be keeping all of this money in his account. Our arrangement when we got married was that I have an account, he has an account, but most of our money goes into our joint account. Now he contributes no money to our joint account. I'm a little pissed. Any insight? (((((((Amelia)))))))....this just happened to my friend. Her husband became ill and she supported the family, borrowed momey from her mother even (a large amount) and when he got his settlement he took off with the money and left her and her mother high and dry. I'm wondering if he feels he doesn't have to because he's not there physically...anyway, this is not cool. I hope you don't mind my post, I know you asked the men...although I feel really bad for your circumstances:mad:
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Ask him why he has changed the agreement. Is he going to contribute to the household expenses? If not, why the hell not? I smell a rat. And it could be him.... But clarify, first. You really do need an explanation....
TaraMaiden Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Absolutely. This sounds dead in the water. File, now.
Shakz Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Well, what was his justification for not sharing the money? It sounds awful, but maybe he just wants to feel solvent on his own, before he contributes to the community chest. I think this is might be an ego thing, not so much that he wants to leave you.
Author AmeliaApple Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Obvious why he's doing this? Not completely. My assumption is that he doesn't trust me for whatever reason...can he sense the end is near? I don't know? I've spent our entire time together encouraging him, loving him, and telling him how much I value him. I've made it clear that I am willing to do everything for us. I've also made it clear that I'm not going to bull**** around this and pretend things are okay. I love my husband and am willing to fight for our marriage. That is why I am trying to figure this out. Reaching out for answers. If he wants this and is willing to do whatever it takes for us, then I'm fully committed and hope it is better on the other side. His answer was that "it would be easier because he has to pay rent there and bills and it would just be easier to keep it separate." End of story. I told him we'd have to revisit the topic because I was too pissed to have a constructive discussion. I did an internship in another state and was still the one contributing all the money. It would never even cross my mind to not allow him access to my money. AND not to mention that by law, in this state at least, it doesn't matter whose account the money is in. If you made it when you were married, it's divided down the middle...regardless of where it resides.
carhill Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 To me, it sounds like he's been working on Plan B for awhile. By having his money separate, while it still is legally countable (income and asset), he retains legal authority over it and no one else can touch it without operation of law. I had my lawyer do a Plan B to minimize risk in a contested divorce. Didn't need it but the groundwork was well worth the legal advice. Reading this thread, I think it prudent you spend an hour in front of a lawyer fleshing out scenarios. Regardless of the outcome, knowledge is a good thing. My sympathies and best wishes
Adunaphel Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) Any chances he is testing you? (and...btw, can either of you withdraw on his own all the money from the joint account?) Edited June 18, 2010 by Adunaphel
Author AmeliaApple Posted June 22, 2010 Author Posted June 22, 2010 Met with my husband this weekend. Talked about this a little. I tried to explain my perspective on why this bothers me, but he said that my perspective doesn't make sense and that he gave me a reason. He asked me what I wanted him to do...to put the money in the account? Would that make it better? I told him that I don't want his money because it fundamentally isn't about the money and he doesn't understand what I am trying to convey. We left it at that for the weekend. We had a good weekend, but I'm still not sure if he's that "in" to me any more. We had sex, but I gave a lot of oral and got none in return. Very little consideration of my sexual needs. A good deal of attention to his. ARG! I do love him. I'm still hopeful that this will work out. He just wants to sweep everything under the rug and I want to fix things. Perhaps he's just over me and I just can't admit it yet. I know he loves me, but question his interest in me anymore.
carhill Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Any chances he is testing you? (and...btw, can either of you withdraw on his own all the money from the joint account?) Prior to filing for divorce, dependent on jurisdiction, in most cases, yes, withdrawals by either party are 'legal'. After, such actions could receive sanctions from the court. Stbx and I did all the 'arranging' prior to filing, so there would be no ambiguity. Simple and clean.
Adunaphel Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 After reading Carhill's post (thanks ) I suggest that you empty the joint account asap. You can still put the money back in it later if you fix things. If he has no intention of leaving you he should understand. It's about protecting yourself.
Spiffy577 Posted June 22, 2010 Posted June 22, 2010 Wow, um, yeah. If those other posts were yours, WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM? He sounds like an untrusting self-centered person (from the lack of pleasing you and the money stuff). Not thinking it has anything to do with having a plan B or anything but it just sounds like he is being extremely selfish. And it sounds like that is just the way he is. Not that that is a GOOD thing. By ANY means. Secondly, having attractions to other people is actually quite natural. You are married, not dead. Not acting on them is good though. You are married. But it really sounds like counseling may be a good idea to fix issues. If he isn't willing, you may want to eventually move on. "Takes two to make a marriage but only one to break it..."
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