DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I was wondering if I'm going crazy or is this just a phase...I am/was a great dad who spent all his free time with his daughters, I mean all my free time...since my wife left me 3 months ago..I have been seeing less and less of them, not because she has made it so, it's just that I really feel like I am becoming less and less fatherly, it is really making me resent my wife..I love my girls and I make up excuses why I can't see them and that is not me..I'd walk over hot coals to get to them (at least before these latest feelings)..They and the mom live only 1 1/2 blocks from my work and only 1/2 mile from where I live..just wondering if this is a temporary state or something more?
Stung Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I am somewhat familiar with your backstory as I have read through a few of your threads, so I am curious as to why you resent and blame your wife for this? Everything else I have read, you have accepted your own share in culpability for the failure of your marriage. I don't know if this is normal, I would suspect not. Most of the divorcing men I have known might have felt a surge of relief at the cessation of an unhappy marriage, reveled a bit in freedom, but none of them wanted to see their kids less. My guess is that you are going through a lot of conflicting, confusing emotional highs and lows right now and projecting a lot of your feelings about your marriage and your wife (and your own shortcomings as well) onto your kids, which is making them hard for you to face. The thing is, you're their dad. You can't let yourself get away with continuing this behavior. You have to be the grown-up and take this new, unexpected challenge by the horns. If you have to force yourself to see your kids, if you have to force yourself to support them through this difficult time, if you have to force yourself to bite your tongue to keep from being critical of them and their mother--do it. Force yourself. You can't abandon them. And I really think you need to seek an individual counselor for therapy/guidance through this. There is no shame in getting a professional to help guide you through strong emotional minefields, especially if it will strengthen and improve your relationship with your children. I believe it could also help you figure out what you really want, because I'm not sure you're too clear on that at the moment.
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 stung..thanks for the advice..I have been to counciling on an individual basis..these feelings have been within the last 3 weeks...we have been in very minimal contact (wife and I), I had been doing spontaneous things with girls, taking them places, doing different things, and my daughters call me everyday to come by or pick them up, I want to very bad but I hate hearing about things that are going on even though they don't know what they say bothers me..I have always been super sensitive to them in being open about things they could understand..wife recently left for 5 days telling me (as in her usual controlling self) I need to watch the girls. I had work inspections to do and told her I hope she had back-up plans, and knowing how sensitive my youngest is about the whole thing I suggested it might not be a good idea to leave her that long..she said she'll be fine and don't worry, my youngest has always told me her mom tells her to mind her own business when she ask anything regarding us which I feel is the worst thing to do...daughter asked her if she's coming back..when just 3 months ago that phrase was not even in her vocabulary...It doesn't mean I am not going to be seeing them, just that I feel less and less like a father.
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 It doesn't mean I am not going to be seeing them, just that I feel less and less like a father. Have you considered the possibility that you're (unconsciously) distancing yourself emotionally, to protect your own heart? As in, might there be an (unconscious) thought-belief that, if you don't see them as often, you'll stop missing them so much? (for starters. It could be a wide range of related thought-beliefs, or a set with a different 'basic theme'. If this makes sense?) Consciously, yes, you're telling yourself that you're no longer "feeling" like a dad...but if you apply reason and logic to that sentiment, does it still hold up? That a man can just stop "feeling like a dad", I mean? That he can, basically, "turn off" his love for his child(ren) and his urge/desire to shelter, protect and guide them for as long as they shall live? I think: Just keep striving to live UP to your highest vision of who you want to be as their Dad. They love and need you just as much as you need and love them, yes? I know it's difficult, but don't be afraid of that; don't let any fears or any people or any circumstances keep you from being their Dad and hero, the person they can count on to just always be there for them. Hopefully, also, your counselor will be able to offer you different ways and tools to cope with...well, everything. BIG, big hugs. I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you.
ADF Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Don't think for a moment you've stopped loving your daughters. No way. This probably has to do with your feelings about the failure of your marriage. You never envisoned yourself fathering your kids under these circumstances, and you're not sure how to do it. That's perfectly normal. It might take some time, but you'll work it out.
Author DadofTwoGirls Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Ronni..thank you, and I must admit, that is the best thing I have heard from anyone in a while..I agree on the subconcious aspect of it..I have been trying to find out why, when I should just continue to be the dad they have always known..I went through the guilt phase already, I cannot let my feelings interrupt their needs anymore!
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I cannot let my feelings interrupt their needs anymore! Great job, Dad! As ADF says, it's new terrain but you will learn to navigate it. In any case, emotionally abandoning yourself and your children is not for you -- you don't come across as that being part of your vision and self-image And, btw, make it a GREAT Father's Day. Do what you gotta do, to count the blessings that are your girls and give gratitude for the opportunity that you've been given, to love, cherish, nurture and guide them. In reality, nothing about that has changed. That is, there have been no 'core' changes as far as who and what they are to you, or you to them. Wishing you a lifetime of love and joy, fun and laughter, and growth and learning with each other.
VelveteenBunny Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I cannot be objective or even polite, but I'll be brief. Abandonment will give them life long issues and mar your relationship forever. You can say you resent your wife for this, as though you blame her for your actions towards and feelings for your kids, but your kids probably will NOT blame her- they will blame you. They will resent you. I've been there and I never blamed Mom. All of my anger, bitterness, resentment, blame, and hurt feelings went towards my father, with ocassional bits flying at his new wife and myself. Also, you cannot drop out of their lives till you feel better about this whole thing, then casually pop back in. You risk permanently damaging the relationship, if they even accept you back. This relationship is not at your convenience. I know you're depressed, want to withdraw, avoid responsibility, shut down emotionally, avoid reminders of painful events, but you risk damaging one of the most important relationships you'll ever have, and when your feelings come back, you want your kids to still be there.
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