Ugh a "date"

[Corporate]

Corporate, no I didn't know what they "represent". I did a quick google seearch and found out. All I have to say is; whatever. I could care less about that silliness. To me that is precisely what it is, nonsense.

 

I've given her yellow roses in the past, she likes them, so I did again this time.

 

Complete hooey.

 

Just a thought. It wouldn't hurt the next time to get something redish.

[Art_Critic]

Well I couldn't just buy one flower, that seemed wrong. So I took the morning and accomplished 2 things. I bought 1 dozen yellow roses and a card for our anniversary. My wife seemed surprised.

 

The second aspect was that I was able to spend a few more hours of quality time with my daughter. Just her and I; no distractions.

 

I am still unsure of what the evening will bring, but there is little I can do about that. I'll just dive in with both feet and see where it goes.

 

Nice job.. hope all goes well..

[JamesM]

I hate to "educate" you on this. Do you know what yellow roses represent? What about red, white, etc.?

 

If your wife reads anything deeper than that they are just flowers, she would have a problem with that.

 

I have heard this as well. Yellow means friendship and red means love.

 

Here is what is said about yellow.....

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art11761.asp

 

Yellow roses have traditionally symbolized friendship. They’re such a sunny and cheerful flower that they’ve also been given to acknowledge or congratulate someone for a recent good fortune or happiness. Yellow roses, like pink, have the benefit of being an appropriate gift for just about anyone. You could present them to a wife or girlfriend who loves yellow flowers as well as a coworker, grandparent, friend or sibling.

 

My wife loves yellow roses and considers red ones "normal." She enjoys it when I get her different color roses/flowers and actually likes getting flowers other than roses.

 

In this case if she does know the meaning, then yellow may be more appropriate than red because this relationship needs to move back to the "love" stage. Yellow indicates that you have still a great friendship and the fact that you got them means you do plan on rebuilding this marriage again.

 

I see it different than Corporate. Red roses under the circumstances might seem a bit fake considering all that has happened.

 

I think you did well considering the circumstances.

[Corporate]

 

I see it different than Corporate.

 

 

You always do.

[What_Next]

Corporate, I do appreciate your response and it did enable me to learn something new and that is never a bad thing. However, like JamesM, my opinion is that red roses are predictable, normal. My wife and I have always forged our own way done things on our own.

 

That was the intent of it. She understands that, I think.

 

Art_Critic thanks for the words of encouragement.

 

5.5 hrs to the "date". Yikes.

[JamesM]

You always do.

 

Smile....it has only been twice...so far.

[What_Next]

Well that was fun. What a complete disaster. Dinner went along fine, well in so much as she was her usual cold, emotionless b__ch. We finally reached a point in the dinner where I told her that I still felt very strongly for her, perhaps a mistake.

 

Anyway, she shut down completely, went inside herself. We ended the dinner and I told her I'd walk home. We came home and conversation got worse from there.

 

Our marriage is finished. We're done. It's honesly good to have it finally over.

 

I'm ready to move on.

[LittleTiger]

I'm so sorry What_Next. Perhaps it is just not the right time for you two.

 

Sometimes admitting defeat and letting go of the old marriage is the best thing you can do. Sometimes that allows for the relationship to begin to repair itself from a distance - sometimes not.

 

You've made it clear to your wife how you feel and, as a woman, I still believe that her suggestion of a date on your wedding anniversary was because she had hopes it would rekindle the old flame.

 

I feel very sad for both of you but it's good that you now have an answer and you can refocus your energies on putting your life back in order.

[Ronni_W]

WN,

Congratulations for giving it your best try! You will always know that you did, and will not have to second-guess your subsequent decisions.

 

I'm very sorry for your outcomes, of course. It's unclear to me why anybody would invite some other body on a "date" and then not treat, or at least attempt to treat that person and that time as special in some way. I don't get it, and I'd not be a bit surprised if you're feeling quite baffled, yourself.

 

I also do understand what you mean when you say that it feels good to know where you stand. There is relief in knowing, even if there is no joy in knowing it.

 

Best of luck through your divorce and making a new life for yourself. When things get tough, be kind to and compassionate with you.

Hugs.

[Corporate]

Well that was fun. What a complete disaster. Dinner went along fine, well in so much as she was her usual cold, emotionless b__ch. We finally reached a point in the dinner where I told her that I still felt very strongly for her, perhaps a mistake.

 

Anyway, she shut down completely, went inside herself. We ended the dinner and I told her I'd walk home. We came home and conversation got worse from there.

 

Our marriage is finished. We're done. It's honesly good to have it finally over.

 

I'm ready to move on.

 

I guess no hotel rooms were used?

[Art_Critic]

Well that was fun. What a complete disaster. Dinner went along fine, well in so much as she was her usual cold, emotionless b__ch. We finally reached a point in the dinner where I told her that I still felt very strongly for her, perhaps a mistake.

 

Anyway, she shut down completely, went inside herself. We ended the dinner and I told her I'd walk home. We came home and conversation got worse from there.

 

Our marriage is finished. We're done. It's honesly good to have it finally over.

 

I'm ready to move on.

 

Sorry WN,

I was hoping for better for you both..

 

Like Ronni_W said.. you at least know you gave your very best.

~Art

[What_Next]

I eventually went to bed VERY late. Apparently so did she.

 

This morning she came down to my bed, crawled in with me and apologized. She said she didn't want me to be alone on Father's Day. We didn't talk much just cuddled actually. Very strange.

 

Maybe last night was cathartic in some way. I'm as confused as I ever was.

 

We said many hurtful things last night, but here we are.

 

Wow, I see more and more every day that the handle I chose on here REALLY applies, what next.....

[Ronni_W]

Wow, I see more and more every day that the handle I chose on here REALLY applies, what next.....

Er...was that a real question or a rhetorical?

 

I think. Sounds like it is time for you to have a kind, gentle, serious conversation with her. But, I might encourage you to perhaps first brush-up on your "kind, gentle, serious conversation" skills -- not that you don't necessarily already possess them, but that it may be a good idea to have them fresh in your mind.

 

Chapter 10 of 'Till Death Us Do Part (Unless I Kill You First)' contains a really good outline for effective conflict resolving conversations. Even if you skip the precedent "self work" that the author, Jamie Turndorf, recommends, it will still help you to convey your thoughts and feelings in ways and words that likely will be more readily/easily accepted by your wife.

 

Sounds like all is not yet lost...but you both must climb back on board with courage and steely determination if you don't want this marital ship to sink. Somehow, you need to get that message across to her without coming off as threatening (to leave, for example) or attacking (how she's been doing her side of things, for example.)

 

Very best of luck to you both, and to your marriage!

Edited June 20, 2010 by Ronni_W
added examples...not that I thought you might get violent :-)

[Corporate]

I eventually went to bed VERY late. Apparently so did she.

 

This morning she came down to my bed, crawled in with me and apologized. She said she didn't want me to be alone on Father's Day. We didn't talk much just cuddled actually. Very strange.

..

 

Next time she does that and opens up, it's time to do something. Get into her pants or have a serious talk.

[What_Next]

Next time she does that and opens up, it's time to do something. Get into her pants or have a serious talk.

 

Get into her pants? Corporate I am not sure if you are married or ever have been married, but I am not sure that "getting into her pants" will solve anything. In fact it complicates matters right now.

 

We have a MC session tomorrow night. That might help give us some direction etc. The one thing that we BOTH (yes BOTH of us) told each other is that the hurting has to stop. We have to stop hurting each other.

 

For now I am going to take tojaz's advice and show some patience.

[Corporate]

Next time she does that and opens up, it's time to do something. Get into her pants or have a serious talk.

 

Did you intentionally ignore the second part of my advice?

[just_some_guy]

Well that was fun. What a complete disaster. Dinner went along fine, well in so much as she was her usual cold, emotionless b__ch. We finally reached a point in the dinner where I told her that I still felt very strongly for her, perhaps a mistake.

 

Anyway, she shut down completely, went inside herself. We ended the dinner and I told her I'd walk home. We came home and conversation got worse from there.

 

Our marriage is finished. We're done. It's honesly good to have it finally over.

 

I'm ready to move on.

 

Yeah, I didn't think it would turn out well.

 

TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

 

These "dates" that the M.C. suggests should be abstract, time-limited, NON-LOADED, dates.

 

The anniversary is not a date, it's a test. Or more likely, a crucible.

 

Weirdly enough, I think your marriage actually stands a chance - if you both want to work on it.

 

Space is good, time limited, appointments to enjoy each other's company (aka, date), also good, neutral corner for each to go to after counseling session or "date" very good. Date is not for having discussions about the relationship, not for pants-swapping (sorry Corpy).

[What_Next]

Yeah, I didn't think it would turn out well.

 

TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

 

Weirdly enough, I think your marriage actually stands a chance - if you both want to work on it.

 

I agree with you on both points. The first one, most definitely, it was a test and we both failed. Doesn't matter though, it is in the past and we can't fix that.

 

Second point, yes we might actually stand a chance. Many miles to go, many hurdles to overcome.

 

She is in bed now, I am here on LS, not a bad thing really. Time.

[just_some_guy]

I agree with you on both points. The first one, most definitely, it was a test and we both failed. Doesn't matter though, it is in the past and we can't fix that.

 

Second point, yes we might actually stand a chance. Many miles to go, many hurdles to overcome.

 

She is in bed now, I am here on LS, not a bad thing really. Time.

 

I will warn you, working on it is a hell of a lot harder than not working on it.

 

I think many people have affairs and intentionally get caught because it seems like a lot easier way out than it is to confront the issues and problems and the hurt feelings that you have to go through when you get honest and truly work on a marriage.

[What_Next]

Oh that I already knew. In a way that is what she had been doing. She knew how hard it would be and she decided to do little. That was the easier route.

 

I won't take that path. If it's hard, then so be it. We'll face it together.