What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 The backstory to why I am posting is in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/ Tomorrow night my wife and I are scheduled to go on a "date" which was a suggestion from our first MC session. Initially my wife resisted the idea, but she changed her mind. It was her suggestion to go tomorrow night. Here's the perplexing part. It's our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow . When she first brought up tomorrow night I told her it I didn't think it was a good idea. She said she thought it was a fantastic idea. How do I handle this? Reserved? Full on romance? I honestly don't know what mindset to have at this point.
LittleTiger Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I sense, from the title of your thread, that you're not overly enthusiastic about this 'date' yourself. Is it just because it's your wedding anniversary or is it the whole idea of going on a 'date' with your wife that you don't like? If you were really looking forward to the evening, I suspect you wouldn't be asking us how you should behave. You would go with your gut instinct. I can only guess her point of view, but if the wedding anniversay date was her idea, maybe she thinks it's still worth celebrating, which is a really good sign. If that's the case, and you think so too, isn't at least a little romance the right way to go?
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 The backstory to why I am posting is in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233265/ Tomorrow night my wife and I are scheduled to go on a "date" which was a suggestion from our first MC session. Initially my wife resisted the idea, but she changed her mind. It was her suggestion to go tomorrow night. Here's the perplexing part. It's our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow . When she first brought up tomorrow night I told her it I didn't think it was a good idea. She said she thought it was a fantastic idea. How do I handle this? Reserved? Full on romance? I honestly don't know what mindset to have at this point. How about scheduling a hotel/motel after the date?
Author What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 How about scheduling a hotel/motel after the date? That would be a bad idea for quite a few reasons. I also have little intention on any physical contact at this point. I'm wafting back and forth between canceling it all together, going and "faking it" to going and being reserved. I don't quite know what to think of it. Perhaps the best thing to do is to not think of it and just to go.
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) Tough one -- and not much time to 'reframe' your mindset, either! Ideally it would be a mindset that is loving, appreciative, interested and looking to have some fun. But...sounds like you may need to do some work to get there. Can you recall all the wonderful and exciting things about her that attracted you enough to make her your bride? That made you love, admire, appreciate and respect her? If you need, beg and plead with your imagination to help you rediscover these things -- you used to have loving feelings and burning desire for her at some point (I assume, or you probably would not have started dating her in the first place.) Your 'goal' is to connect with those feelings and bring into your mindset all her good-positive qualities. Then, from now until well after the date, try, as best you can, to see her with those eyes and feel her with that heart (that you used to have.) What were some of the best/funnest activities that you used to do on dates? Or, try something new (mini-golf, or the amusement park, or rock climbing, whatever you both will find at least a little bit enjoyable.) Maybe dinner after but, if you can help it at all, not just dinner -- if you're not feeling too interested and enthusiastic, conversation can be so stilted that you'll both wish you were rather having root canals without anesthetic. (If you've already got dinner reservations, see if you can start the date earlier. If not, then just do your best to be interested and interesting.) In general, I would suggest shoot for somewhere between "reserved" and "full on romance" -- be as natural as you can, under the circumstances. If you know that she appreciates receiving flowers (or whatever), then make a special point of presenting them to her...maybe before leaving on the date. Best of luck -- I hope it goes really well...and you and your wife "get lucky" with each other, after Be open to letting something pleasant and surprising happen -- your mindset also needs to be a little bit open to something 'nice'. Edited June 18, 2010 by Ronni_W
xxoo Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Here's the perplexing part. It's our 6th wedding anniversary tomorrow . When she first brought up tomorrow night I told her it I didn't think it was a good idea. She said she thought it was a fantastic idea. Why was your concern so quickly disregarded? Is that a pattern? Surely this is not the only possible day for your date.
Author What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Why was your concern so quickly disregarded? Is that a pattern? Surely this is not the only possible day for your date. Yes and no. Yes in the sense that I think she had her mind made up about the timing (being our anniversary) when she said it. However, I think her heart was in the right place at the time. No in the sense that she doesn't always disregard my concerns. Ronni_W thanks for your well thought out and well said post. I have been trying to think of those things, but my head is a jumbled mess. I had in mind dinner, that is what it will likely be. That and maybe a drive or we'll go and find a picnic bench to sit on somewhere. If I do go through with it I wanted to focus on each other and not the activity. As for the "getting lucky" part, well that won't be happening for a million reasons. In fact I think I'd be the one putting a stop to that. It's just that I don't want to make things any worse, nor do I want to get a false sense of security from it either. We have a long and winding road ahead of us and I haven't even completely come to grips with that yet. I am having a hard time shaking the feeling that this is a bad idea, whether it was suggested by the MC or not.
Ronni_W Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) I am having a hard time shaking the feeling that this is a bad idea, whether it was suggested by the MC or not. You are, of course, right -- it MAY end up being a bad idea. That an MC suggested it is neither here nor there. The challenge is: It is likely gonna turn out how you're telling yourself it will turn out. So, rather than holding worried/negative thoughts, you might want to say to yourself something along the lines of, "It probably will be far better than I am envisioning." Or, more positive than that...if your mind will accept it. (Eliminate all negatives and just tell yourself whatever is the most positive thing that your mind will accept, I mean.) I do know that it is very difficult to connect with "love and kindness" feelings when one's mind is mired in anger, bitterness, disappointment, frustration, resentment and feeling victimized. The thing is, *IF* you actually do want your marriage to last, then you'd be wisest to do your darndest to set aside the negative thoughts and feelings for tomorrow. *IF* you want your marriage to last, I would see this as a blessing and opportunity to start to achieve your own goal for yourself and your marriage -- that is what it is, *IF* your goal is the success of your marriage. If I may. One of you will have to give up the struggle for control, first...and it may as well be you, why not? First, she resisted (your post makes it sound as if you were ready at that point.) Now...she is ready and you're resisting. So, you're both "winning" in your own ways, on your own schedules...and your marriage is losing in a big way. I recently read something about trying to see "the relationship" as a separate entity, and both partners working, as a team, to make the relationship come out as the "winner". Not sure this will help, but hope so. Edited June 18, 2010 by Ronni_W spelling
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 That would be a bad idea for quite a few reasons. I also have little intention on any physical contact at this point. Don't you want to rekindle that "lost" love? Don't you want to be in love with your wife again and have a great marraige? I still don't understand why that's a bad idea? List those "few reasons."
Art_Critic Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 You agreed with the MC about the date night but now it is an issue because it happens to fall on your anniversary.. Dude.. put your big boy pants on and go on a date with your wife.. full on... unless you don't want to work on the marriage.. The very least you could do is meet your wife half way.. JMO...
Author What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Wow tough crowd . I knew I'd likely get that though and I am fine with it. Ronni, good post. I am going to take your advice and put those feelings aside. Corporate, to answer you, I guess it boils down to the fact that she was the one that wanted out at least initially. After a tough road thus far she seems willing to move forward, but she is also very good at hiding her true emotions and then hitting me out of left field. Was I completely surprised when she said she wanted out? No; not entirely, but we were trying on some level to improve things and she said they just weren't working but she had given me no indication of it. So I suppose I am trying to keep my guard up. I shouldn't, but I am. Art_Critic, short and to the point huh... You're right, the actual day doesn't really matter I suppose. Would it be any different if it were on a Tuesday? Likely not. I also think that if I come on too strong she might feel pressured and I had told her I would not put any pressure on her. I will go, I will meet her half way, we'll see what happens. Still, tough crowd
Art_Critic Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I will go, I will meet her half way, we'll see what happens. Still, tough crowd Let us know how it goes... Yeah.. sorry about being so direct.. but sometimes it's needed
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Corporate, to answer you, I guess it boils down to the fact that she was the one that wanted out at least initially. After a tough road thus far she seems willing to move forward, but she is also very good at hiding her true emotions and then hitting me out of left field. Was I completely surprised when she said she wanted out? No; not entirely, but we were trying on some level to improve things and she said they just weren't working but she had given me no indication of it. So I suppose I am trying to keep my guard up. I shouldn't, but I am. I still don't understand why it is a bad idea to you for you to spend some quality time with your wife at a hotel after the date?
JamesM Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 First, I simply want to offer my support. I read your first thread and am impressed with your strength. This is very difficult and the future is unknown. The pain emotionally that you feel is unimaginable to me. Being that my wife is my best friend, the thought of living with her and her not being that is almost unbearable. I have read much excellent advice to you. I have little additional to offer. What I can say is...if you still have even a small desire inside and if only for your daughter's sake, then go out on this date and reacquaint yourself with your wife. Some women would pick the the anniversary for the simple reason that it will bring up fond memories of the past. Reflecting on the past is a way to rekindle a flame for the future. I think that if the two of you do want to rebuild this marriage, then it will take revisiting the past as a way to remember WHY you were married in the first place. I have not been where you are, but when my wife and I dated, we did break up briefly, and rekindling the flame even for that short time was not as easy as I thought. One of the things that helped was looking at my wife as a stranger. How did I see her? What did I admire? Why would she make a good friend? What qualities did she have that would make her a good partner and wife? For a number of reasons, you married your wife. For some reason, the two of you "lost" each other. IMO the best way to "find" each other is by starting over. Personally, if it still matters to you, I think it is a very hopeful sign that your wife chose the date of your anniversary as the possible day which you two are going to start over. If it all works out, then you will remember your anniversary for more than the remembrance of your wedding. It will also be the date you started over.
JamesM Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I still don't understand why it is a bad idea to you for you to spend some quality time with your wife at a hotel after the date? Because the gulf that is between them is so wide that something like sex would be a disaster. It is as if they are two strangers who are meeting for the first time...yet it is "worse" because they have alot of baggage between them which must be resolved before they have any desire to feel intimate again.
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Because the gulf that is between them is so wide that something like sex would be a disaster. It is as if they are two strangers who are meeting for the first time...yet it is "worse" because they have alot of baggage between them which must be resolved before they have any desire to feel intimate again. Okay then, treat it like a one night stand.
JamesM Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Okay then, treat it like a one night stand. Just because sex could happen will do nothing for the anger and emotions that each carries. At the end of it all, then each will have felt used. Sex is not a cure all even for a man. Corporate, have you ever or are you married?
Corporate Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Just because sex could happen will do nothing for the anger and emotions that each carries. At the end of it all, then each will have felt used. Sex is not a cure all even for a man. Corporate, have you ever or are you married? :mad::mad::mad:
Author What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Art_Critic, no worries, I'm a big boy, I can take it. I like straight shooters, in fact I am one myself. Corporate, there is no way I'd ever treat sex with my wife as a one night stand. It has to mean something. Right now I think it would just confuse matters. Sure I'd like to make love to her (or even f__k the hell out of her), but I'm not sure of the timing. I'm actually not all that concerned with that side of things, we've never really had trouble in that department. JamesM, thank you for your heartfelt post. I am in a mental state like I've never been in before, this is all new for me. I've not been one in my life to express my emotions or thoughts all that well (put it this way when my father, who was my best friend passed, I hardly even shed a tear) but this has changed my profoundly. Living under the same roof, but in seperate rooms has permanently changed our relationship. The more I think on it the more I realize that it is both the fear of believing we are going to make it coupled with the fear that if it gets too familiar we'll fall back into our old habits. For now I have to set those aside and give my wife the best date she could imagine. I'll let everyone know how it went.
silktricks Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I am having a hard time shaking the feeling that this is a bad idea, whether it was suggested by the MC or not. I guess I don't understand (well, really, I'm sure I don't). Why do you feel it's a bad idea? Could you delve into that a little bit?
quankanne Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 good luck with your evening together WN ... the main thing you need to do is keep your mind open the possibilities. As in, while you might be expecting the worst, it's no sin to hope for the best outcome either. That way you're pleasantly surprised when things do go better than you believed. a bit of advice from an old-timer: Anytime you give your spouse your full and complete attention is when you give the gift of self. You might not see immediate results, but believe me, it makes a huge impression on how the both of you look at your relationship, because it's so damn easy to get sidetracked with work, with family and friends, with hobbies ...
Author What_Next Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 silktricks, it is the timing. I think it might be rushing things. For her and for me. Read my other thread and see what has went on over the past month. quankanne, you are very correct about that. Giving our full attention to each other is something we both have not done enough of. I have just picked a restaurant and made a reservation. Likely the first reservation for a restaurant I've ever made for us and we've been with each other for 20 years, how sad is that. I'll get a card for our anniversary, no gift. I'll get a flower. Many many years ago I can remember giving her a single yellow rose, and she gave me something in return (sorry but that's private ). It doesn't matter where we go though, it doesn't matter what I give her. It matters that we give it an honest try. Thanks so much everyone for chiming in on this. It has helped.
Author What_Next Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Well I couldn't just buy one flower, that seemed wrong. So I took the morning and accomplished 2 things. I bought 1 dozen yellow roses and a card for our anniversary. My wife seemed surprised. The second aspect was that I was able to spend a few more hours of quality time with my daughter. Just her and I; no distractions. I am still unsure of what the evening will bring, but there is little I can do about that. I'll just dive in with both feet and see where it goes.
Corporate Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Well I couldn't just buy one flower, that seemed wrong. So I took the morning and accomplished 2 things. I bought 1 dozen yellow roses and a card for our anniversary. My wife seemed surprised. I hate to "educate" you on this. Do you know what yellow roses represent? What about red, white, etc.? If your wife reads anything deeper than that they are just flowers, she would have a problem with that.
Author What_Next Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 Corporate, no I didn't know what they "represent". I did a quick google seearch and found out. All I have to say is; whatever. I could care less about that silliness. To me that is precisely what it is, nonsense. I've given her yellow roses in the past, she likes them, so I did again this time. Complete hooey.
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