Now she's done it. The last straw?

[bananalaffytaffy]

I'm not sure if many of you know the history of my friend. I've known her since high school, we went to college together (until she dropped out anyway). She's a mess. Little to no self esteem, an alcoholic.

 

She decided she wanted a married man and went after him. The BS finally kicked him out, but it was another few years before the MM married my friend. He cheated on her during the M. He found out she cheated on him, and divorced her. She started going to AA, getting her life back together. He found out she was dating, and reeled her back in by telling her she wouldn't have to work. She's pretty lazy, so she accepted. Little did anyone know that the two men she was seeing are also married, and she's continued to see them. Now, she's back to drinking and drugs. All this has been going on for years- she's in her 40's now.

 

She will not get help for her issues. She refuses counseling. She thinks a pill should fix everything, so she has taken every antidepressant known to man. I've tried to help her as much as I can, but she has taken to calling drunk at all hours of the day. I've told her not to call me when she's drunk. She still does, just tries to hide it. So, I've gotten to where I don't answer her calls and texts often.

 

Fast forward to last night. My H took my phone with him to the gym and to play basketball with the guys. She texts my phone. He answers that he has my phone, he'll tell me she called. No problem there. Then...

She asks him for HIS phone number.

WTF?!?!?!

 

We live in different states, she's never even met him, nor him her. He wonders why I even bother being friends with her at this point. So I'm not worried about him. He ignored her request. The last thing he has time for is a nutjob calling him at all hours, since he sometimes gets really irritated when I forget to turn off my phone, and we get a call at 2am.

 

Why in the world would she ask for my husband's phone number?

I think she's finally crossed the wrong boundary with me. I'm really really considering telling her to get lost for good.

 

Am I overreacting here?

(I'm not sure I've posted this in the right spot. I thought it might be a joke to put it in the Friendship forum, since she's been such a "great" friend.)

[Fallen Angel]

I know it is hard not to, but try not to take it personally.

 

Your friend is an emotional trainwreck. It seems she is determined to self-destruct and is trying to take as many people as she can down the path to nowhere with her.

 

I don't think she thought about what she was doing, she just does what she knows.

 

Obviously someone has made her believe that all she has to offer the world is planted between her thighs. That is all she seems to know, and the only way she seems to know how to go about getting affection she obviously so desperately desires.

 

Perhaps it is time for you to excuse yourself from the friendship. Sometimes when someone is determined to destroy themselves and we can not stop it, the best we can do is to refuse to stick around and watch it.

 

I would suggest telling her that you have seen enough of her slow death, and can not be party to the rest. And wish her well.

 

But do not be personally insulted by what she did, it has much more to do with her lack of selfworth, than her feeling that you lack value. (In fact, her thinking highly of you could be what caused her to want to "hit on" your husband. Afterall, if she could sway his head from someone she sees as someone she would like to be... well.. you can see the attraction to a sick mind in that, can you not?)

[scatterd]

I would ask her why im wondering if she thought beings he has your phone that you have his.If that was not her intentions she needs to know that she crossed the line and this is what got her where she is now do it as kind as you can.She sounds like she does not know how to deal with things and needs counceling.You can not fix her she needs to do it.Good luck

[ladydesigner]

I know it is hard not to, but try not to take it personally.

 

Your friend is an emotional trainwreck. It seems she is determined to self-destruct and is trying to take as many people as she can down the path to nowhere with her.

 

I don't think she thought about what she was doing, she just does what she knows.

 

Obviously someone has made her believe that all she has to offer the world is planted between her thighs. That is all she seems to know, and the only way she seems to know how to go about getting affection she obviously so desperately desires.

 

Perhaps it is time for you to excuse yourself from the friendship. Sometimes when someone is determined to destroy themselves and we can not stop it, the best we can do is to refuse to stick around and watch it.

 

I would suggest telling her that you have seen enough of her slow death, and can not be party to the rest. And wish her well.

 

But do not be personally insulted by what she did, it has much more to do with her lack of selfworth, than her feeling that you lack value. (In fact, her thinking highly of you could be what caused her to want to "hit on" your husband. Afterall, if she could sway his head from someone she sees as someone she would like to be... well.. you can see the attraction to a sick mind in that, can you not?)

 

This a beautifully written post FA.

 

Clearly your friend is about to hit rock bottom and unfortunately most alcoholics/drug users don't get better until they do.

 

I would step away until she is sober. It's tough love but necessary I think.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Thanks, all. Yes FA, you are right. She does think her self worth comes from between her legs. I guess in that, I have failed as a friend, since I have not been able to convince her otherwise.

 

She has no one else but her cheating loser husband and I guess her other MM. All her other friends and family had pretty much abandoned her, something she reminds me of quite frequently, when I tell her I can't fix her problems.

 

The more I think of it, I think she was trying to start problems with me and my husband, thinking I would run to her for help/to commiserate. (Her thinking is very twisted.) Maybe, maybe not. I'd hate to think she had designs on my husband, a man she doesn't even know.

 

I do think it's time to break ties, at least for awhile. I imagine she will twist it around to say I'm just having a hissy because of my husband, not because she is circling the drain. She makes me feel like I am the only one left that believes in her, and if I bail on her, there's no hope for her. How's that for being a friend?

Edited June 18, 2010 by bananalaffytaffy

[Fallen Angel]

Thanks, all. Yes FA, you are right. She does think her self worth comes from between her legs. I guess in that, I have failed as a friend, since I have not been able to convince her otherwise.

 

She has no one else but her cheating loser husband and I guess her other MM. All her other friends and family had pretty much abandoned her, something she reminds me of quite frequently, when I tell her I can't fix her problems.

 

The more I think of it, I think she was trying to start problems with me and my husband, thinking I would run to her for help/to commiserate. Maybe, maybe not. I'd hate to think she had designs on my husband, a man she doesn't even know.

 

I do think it's time to break ties, at least for awhile. I imagine she will twist it around to say I'm just having a hissy because of my husband, not because she is circling the drain. She makes me feel like I am the only one left that believes in her, and if I bail on her, there's no hope for her. How's that for being a friend?

 

As is so often said here, support is not the same as validation. What she wants from you is validation, what you have to offer is support. if she is not ready to accept support, and you are unable to offer validation for her choices then the result is both of you slamming your heads repeatedly against a brick wall. Leaving you both with one hell of a headache and no forward motion.

 

Tell her you love her.

 

Tell her when she is ready, you will be there for her.

 

Tell her you can not hold her hand while she kills herself, as it is killing you to watch it.

 

I hope you find peace banana. ((hugs))

[bananalaffytaffy]

Tell her you love her.

 

Tell her when she is ready, you will be there for her.

 

Tell her you can not hold her hand while she kills herself, as it is killing you to watch it.

Thank you, FA, this is exactly what I should say!

My husband is convinced that I have some Sicilian in me (no offense to Sicilians!), because I tend to be hot headed at times. Times when I have told her to get lost, not call when she's drunk, etc., I have told her in anger.

 

Maybe THIS is something she can understand!

Thanks again.

[whichwayisup]

No, you aren't overreacting.

 

You've tried to help her and she isn't learning her lessons along the way. You can only do so much..

 

And, her asking for your H's number is bullcrap.

 

She's messed up and is making bad choices. Distance yourself from her and hopefully she'll get the hint. If she confronts you, tell her why.. And how inappropriate it was for her to be asking for your H's number. (though I doubt she'll remember considering she was drunk.)

[whichwayisup]

I guess in that, I have failed as a friend, since I have not been able to convince her otherwise.

 

You can try to fix her, but until she wants help, wants to change, this is her life. Don't blame yourself! You can tell her 100 times she's beautiful and smart, she's not going to believe you because she doesn't love herself or respect herself either. you can only do so much.. Encourage her to get some counseling..

[Spark1111]

Thank you, FA, this is exactly what I should say!

My husband is convinced that I have some Sicilian in me (no offense to Sicilians!), because I tend to be hot headed at times. Times when I have told her to get lost, not call when she's drunk, etc., I have told her in anger.

 

Maybe THIS is something she can understand!

Thanks again.

 

Also, I want to mention, that while all the 12-step programs are wonderful for removing someone from their addiction, I am a firm believer in good IC to accompany any program.

 

If you do not get to the "WHY" of your issues, you are just doomed to repeat them over and over again.

 

A pill, a penis, a bottle or needle will never fix what is broken within you.

 

Only you, examining you and the destructive choices you make, can do so.

[Mimolicious]

Maybe she was drunk. (no bad excuse!)

 

Maybe she thought you guys switched phones and she wanted to reach you desperately?

 

You should ask her.

[romango]

I think she's finally crossed the wrong boundary with me. I'm really really considering telling her to get lost for good.

 

Am I overreacting here?

 

 

You're not overreacting. This girl is not your friend but a toxic acquaintance. She can offer you nothing positive a friend brings to a relationship.

[fooled once]

I'm not sure if many of you know the history of my friend. I've known her since high school, we went to college together (until she dropped out anyway). She's a mess. Little to no self esteem, an alcoholic.

 

She decided she wanted a married man and went after him. The BS finally kicked him out, but it was another few years before the MM married my friend. He cheated on her during the M. He found out she cheated on him, and divorced her. She started going to AA, getting her life back together. He found out she was dating, and reeled her back in by telling her she wouldn't have to work. She's pretty lazy, so she accepted. Little did anyone know that the two men she was seeing are also married, and she's continued to see them. Now, she's back to drinking and drugs. All this has been going on for years- she's in her 40's now.

 

She will not get help for her issues. She refuses counseling. She thinks a pill should fix everything, so she has taken every antidepressant known to man. I've tried to help her as much as I can, but she has taken to calling drunk at all hours of the day. I've told her not to call me when she's drunk. She still does, just tries to hide it. So, I've gotten to where I don't answer her calls and texts often.

 

Fast forward to last night. My H took my phone with him to the gym and to play basketball with the guys. She texts my phone. He answers that he has my phone, he'll tell me she called. No problem there. Then...

She asks him for HIS phone number.

WTF?!?!?!

 

We live in different states, she's never even met him, nor him her. He wonders why I even bother being friends with her at this point. So I'm not worried about him. He ignored her request. The last thing he has time for is a nutjob calling him at all hours, since he sometimes gets really irritated when I forget to turn off my phone, and we get a call at 2am.

 

Why in the world would she ask for my husband's phone number?

I think she's finally crossed the wrong boundary with me. I'm really really considering telling her to get lost for good.

 

Am I overreacting here?

(I'm not sure I've posted this in the right spot. I thought it might be a joke to put it in the Friendship forum, since she's been such a "great" friend.)

 

Cut her out of your life -- she isn't your friend.

 

Not in any way shape or form.

 

And don't let her use the "I am so screwed up" excuse. It is bull - you know it and I know it.

 

There are just certain lines that "friends" don't cross.

[2sunny]

she isn't a friend. she finds in you - someone she can call when she needs something. she most likely calls when she's drunk.

 

you are speaking to the alcohol. she's absent. it will not make sense when she's drunk.

 

there's no need to make the effort while the disease is active... it will continue to bring harm to you.

 

tell her no more. there's no reason until she seeks help after admitting she has a problem.

 

stay away. tell her not to call you. this boundary is for you.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Not sure I'm going to be able to hold my temper. She sent a photo to my phone this afternoon. Clothed, of course, but awfully suspicious.

 

I haven't responded yet, because right now, I'm tempted to rip her a new one.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Not that anyone cares, but I thought I would update to close out this thread. The more I started thinking about it, it was one thing for her to include me in her drama, but including my husband, no matter to what extent, was the final straw for me.

She appearantly asked a mutual friend about my husband before she sent the photo, so I'm pretty sure what her intentions were.

My husband is rather conservative, and doesn't put up with that kind of thing. He ended up calling her and telling her he didn't appreciate what she was doing, and that she was no friend to me and to never contact us again.

So that's that. In six months, she'll be calling again. Maybe then I can take FA's suggestion.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. It's hard to turn away someone I've known for so long, but at the end of the day, my husband is my family, and she is not. I'm sad because I doubt she will ever get help, but there is nothing I can do about that.

[jj33]

You have to put you and your family first. You are doing the right thing.

 

But at the same time you are doing hte right thing for her. You are cutting off a new avenue she is trying to use to create more drama in her life.

 

She is going to have to hit bottom on her own. Noone can help her until she is ready for help. You cant take the trip down (to her bottom) with her as much as you would have liked to help.

[Fallen Angel]

Not that anyone cares, but I thought I would update to close out this thread. The more I started thinking about it, it was one thing for her to include me in her drama, but including my husband, no matter to what extent, was the final straw for me.

She appearantly asked a mutual friend about my husband before she sent the photo, so I'm pretty sure what her intentions were.

My husband is rather conservative, and doesn't put up with that kind of thing. He ended up calling her and telling her he didn't appreciate what she was doing, and that she was no friend to me and to never contact us again.

So that's that. In six months, she'll be calling again. Maybe then I can take FA's suggestion.

Thanks for your feedback everyone. It's hard to turn away someone I've known for so long, but at the end of the day, my husband is my family, and she is not. I'm sad because I doubt she will ever get help, but there is nothing I can do about that.

 

Banana,

 

(((hugs)))

 

For the record, people do care.

 

I, for one, am sorry that you are hurting.

 

I am sorry that your friend is not healthy enough to be to you the kind, loving and giving friend you have been to her.

 

I am sorry that she has made you question your own value as a friend.

 

I am sorry that she has made you feel incompetent to help her.

 

I am sorry that you have to give up someone, for the sake of your own mental health, whom you obviously love; despite her many flaws.

 

One day when she regains her own mental health, she will look back on the hand of friendship you so warmly offered and regret not accepting it. She will have been the one who lost out on time with a wonderful, warm, genuine friendship. Hopefully when that day comes she will be able to swallow her pride and reach out to you with a genuine apology and a new and better friendship can be rekindled.

 

But even if that never happens, know that you did what you could. Know that your friendship is valuable. And know that people really do care.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Thanks jj and FA. Yeah, I have to say I'm hurt that I've been friends with her for so long, with her through drugs, drinking, STD's and suicide attempts, long after her own family disowned her. And she repays me by hitting on my husband. Right under my nose no less! The sad thing is, I doubt she thinks she's done anything wrong. But that's her deal now, not mine.