A break?

[StarrySkyBlue]

Hi everyone. I've lurked for a long time and I find all your responses and support very heartwarming. Something happened in my relationship recently and I would really appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

 

I've been with my bf for almost two years now. We met abroad, and had a great relationship. We are both pretty sensitive people, so our relationship has always been 'soft' -- with lots of understanding, support, no harsh fights. After we returned home after our degrees, we went into long-distance, and so far it had worked fine.

 

However, recently my bf got pretty stressed out with all his financial/life issues. I tried to be supportive, and he let me know he appreciated it. However, most of the time he was very depressed or angry. Depression I can deal with, but since I came from a loving, supportive family where there is absolutely no yelling, I can't handle anger at all.

 

One time when we were on the phone -- it was the weekend so I especially stayed up to talk to him -- he was angry about something (actually, more like everything). I tried to be understanding -- in case he had to vent. At one point he snapped at me, and I broke down and cried. He said he was sorry, and said he wasn't 'good company' right now. I said it was ok, that I understood. We then hung up.

 

The next day, I called him, hoping we could fix things. He didn't pick up. Usually he would text me before bed and I would call so we could talk. He didn't. I ended up trying to call him again, but he was already asleep, and he said something about "I thought we were fighting". I said we were not. We agreed to talk later.

 

The next morning, I called him again. (Usually in the morning I call to wake him up, then again half an hour later and we would talk when he was on his way to work). I asked if everything was all right. He just said "We talk too much", and sounded depressed/upset/angry and went silent. I knew things weren't okay between us and asked if he wanted me to call back later so we could talk. He said "No."

 

I texted him later and said I didn't understand why he was suddenly so distant, and said if he wanted we could take some time off without talking. He didn't reply.

 

That night, he didn't text. I called. He said he was so stressed out. I offered that we could take a few days off and talk the upcoming weekend instead. He said okay -- it would be a 'break'.

 

Ever since we 'fought', he never made an effort to fix things. He never made an effort to contact me. When I called, he would answer grudgingly, and sometimes just went silent for a long time. I felt like I was talking to a wall.

 

If he had taken the initiative and said something along the line of "This is a stressful time for me and I need some time off to think about things. I'll call you later, ok?", I would have been fine with it. What upset me was that I had to sort of coax it out of him. The whole time, nothing indicated he cared the slightest about me. I know he is under a lot of stress, but he made me feel like he only cared about me when he was in the mood for it.

 

The first few nights through this 'fight' I cried myself to sleep. I had no idea what was going on. I tried to connect with him, but felt like I was rejected and shut off again and again. Then, something happened. Something in me just closed myself off. Then I felt all right again. It was like I shut off the emotional intimacy that we had and pulled myself back.

 

The next night he texted me. I didn't see it until much later, because at this point I stopped obsessively check my phone to see if he tried to explain anything. The next morning I called him. He seemed happy to hear from me and said he missed me. We talked only for a little bit. He said he was okay and I said I was okay. Then he said something like "Let's cut back on the talking for now" -- and I said we would do it 'casually'.

 

The thing is, it seems like he thinks this 'break' is something like a pause button. You put the relationship on pause, and then when you're ready, you click play again. Well, it might be like that if it were a mutual break. What happened with us, at least from my point of view, was that he completely shut me off and left me in the dark because he was "not feeling good" (and that I'd "wouldn't want to talk to him anyway"). The period of no communication was not okay for me.

 

I always stressed the importance of communication -- especially in a long-distance relationship. When communication broke down, it seemed like something in the relationship broke as well. Suddenly I now feel like I don't trust him with my feelings anymore. The feeling of connectedness was already destroyed.

 

If you've read the whole thing, thank you very much. I'm not sure if this 'shutting off' is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe it could be that I was wrong about maintaining such a close connection in a long-distance relationship. Maybe for it to work without being physically together, you do need to pull yourself back and not rely on the other person for your happiness. Or, maybe it's a sign that this relationship isn't going to last. If you asked me, at least with where things stand at the moment, I would still want to talk and spend time with him, but I wouldn't tell him my secrets, my hopes and fears like I did before. That trust is lost, and the messed up thing is he doesn't even know.

 

What should I do? I don't want to discuss this with him, because there is really a lot going on with his life at the moment, but maybe I need to. Sorry this thing is so long and kinda petty, but writing it out really helped me understand my feelings better. Any thoughts? Advice? Am I just being overly sensitive?

 

Thanks in advance for your responses!

[Ilovecake]

A lot of people do not want to go through the drama of an actual breakup so instead what they do is start being mean, they blame it on "stressful life situations" or their partner because that way they don’t actually have to face “THE TALK”. He is desperately trying to get out of the relationship but doesn't know how to approach it so he's letting you two grow apart since you guys live in different areas. This is why he's not texting back or calling, he figures if he blows you off enough you'll just give up and he’ll be off the hook. Unfortunately because he's feeling like a caged animal at the moment the more you approach it the meaner and weirder and more distant he becomes because he feels trapped.

 

It’s a very cowardly, selfish way of handling it. I would suggest you let it go for a while and see if he contacts you, if he doesn’t you’ll know it’s over and done with.

[AlwaysConflicted]

It’s a very cowardly, selfish way of handling it. I would suggest you let it go for a while and see if he contacts you, if he doesn’t you’ll know it’s over and done with.

 

I agree. The more you contact him the worse it will get. For reasons that you probably don't know, he's pulling away.

 

If you still love him, don't contact him. If he loves you, he'll come back. No need to chase, he knows how you feel.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Thanks so much for the advice! I guess I'll just try to get busy with my life and see what happens. In a way, it's nice to have extra time to spend with my family and friends.

 

 

But.. what should I do if he calls? Should I try to get us to work things out? What if he calls just to 'check up on me' and doesn't want to talk about serious things? (He probably doesn't even know that I was really hurt during the time -- should I tell him or just leave things 'casual'?)

[Ilovecake]

If and when that happens you'll know what to do by how he approaches you. I wouldn't settle for anything less than a genuine attempt at working things out. When my ex called and acted like we were casual acquaintances and he's just making a simple "how are you doing?" call I told him I no longer wished to talk to him. I didn't want a casual friendship, I shared too much intimate life stuff with him to just be friends, it wasn't enough for me so I let him go.

 

You just have to decide what you want and stick to it and don't settle for anything else.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you've done a lot to try to make this relationship work, but he's cutting off. I feel he tried to pick a fight with you, he pushed you to your limit and you do not deserve to be his punch-ball. I'm sorry but I think he's withdrawing from the relationship. I'm 99% sure this has nothing to do with you or with stresses in his life. My sense is that he's not interested in taking it further now and you will be better off in the long term as a result. This is hard for you, I know, and I think you are right in sensing that he has caused damage. Painful though it is, I think you should assume he has already moved on emotionally and that any efforts you make to try to mend things will be a waste of time. Just leave him to his withdrawal. If you can still be a friend, then let him contact you but don't let him just contact you to have a moan about his life. You don't owe him that if he's leaving.

 

Now you need to look after yourself. Relationships come to their fruition and then sometimes fade for one person or the other. Often there is no 'reason', just a feeling that there is not a good fit on some level. Believe me, you don't need to have done anything wrong for this to happen, it is something within him. Consider the possibility that this man is not right for you: you've already described his lack of consideration and effort, how he doesn't seem to be caring for you, how you are having to take care of him emotionally all the time and make the effort to contact him. Clearly, you can do much better than him. I know you will feel hurt for a time, as I've been there and know all too well, but this is a time for you to realise that you've been released from a situation that was not doing you good. I think the problem when relationships aren't working is that we often try our best to make them work. Gradually, it gets harder and we get more hurt. Sometimes we just need to realise that ending it means we are free to be ourselves and to find someone better. I hope you will see that soon.

 

Be kind to yourself and realise that it's his loss. You sound like a lovely, caring person.

[StarrySkyBlue]

Thanks everyone for your support and advice! I was going to call him, but checked the thread just in case, then decided not to. You're right. There's no use pushing the issue. If he needs space, I'm going to give it to him.

 

For the past few days I've been spending time with my family, concentrating on work and talking with my friends. And I feel great! In a way, I feel as if I've already 'moved on', if that's what it is. I was surprised that it took me only about a week to stop feeling hurt. I did a lot of thinking and soul-searching, and found that after all, I do love him as a person. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, I'd still want to be friends with him. The time apart made me realize that I'm perfectly fine on my own. Now, I'm going to take care of myself.

 

Then, he contacted me. At first I was afraid I would feel horrible afterward, but we talked. He said was sorry that he had been unloading his problems on me, and that he did not want to me to ever feel bad because of him. We didn't talk about our relationship, and I didn't feel the need to bring it up. I still feel great and actually had fun talking with him. It's like going back to "Hey, wanna grab some coffee together?" from what had for a long time been like "Honey, the roof is caving in and we have no money".

 

I think this set-up is better for both of us. If in the future our situation can improve, for example if we can actually be physically together again, then we might give it another go and try to build back that sort of relationship.

 

I still care deeply about him and want the best for him. I'm just not weighed down by negative emotions or expectations anymore. I feel whole and complete again

 

Thank you everyone once again for your kind support! It really helped me through the difficult times!

[LucreziaBorgia]

This won't be easy, but resist all urges to talk about your relationship. He has made it clear that he wants no part of that, so any attempts to talk to him about it will result in him shutting you down again. just keep it casual, don't question what he is doing on the break, don't question his pattern of contact, just go with it and be friendly. That is the only way to keep someone from running away when they throw the 'break' at you.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I intend to keep it casual for now. And to be honest, I'm actually enjoying this new-found freedom However, he doesn't really want a 'break' from the relationship, just less contact for a while, because when we talked to day he said he didn't want our relationship to become full of negative emotions, and he didn't want me to see him at his worst and associate 'stress' and 'problems' with him. Of course, I don't see things that way, because I want to be there for him when he's not feeling too good about life. But he was genuine about it. Maybe he's just not a good communicator.

 

I'll be keeping my feelings in check, though. If I start expecting too much, I'll rethink the situation