cdt76 Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I've read hundreds of threads, wrote a bazillion myself, and in almost every one, I read that one of the two in a broken relationship wants to "just be friends" in the end? Really? Even my ex wanted to be "friends". I just wonder what psycho freak invented this idea that two people who "love" each other so complelely, can somehow scale back feelings and desires and habits, to a level of communication and emotional attachment to that of "just friends". I just don't see how any sane, rational person could just one day flip a switch and turn of the engine that has kept them alive and growing everyday for however long, to limit contact, no touching, no intimate secrets, no feelings beyond "I like you as a person". It is not possible. I would never want that type of attachment after falling so hard for someone. I would not want to be reminded of the pain and anger and frustation every time I see that person and God forbid she brings the new guy around. How is that even possible? For me, not even the idea is possible.
White Dove Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I personally believe it all depends on how the break up happened. I'm friends with my ex for many years now. He broke it off due to some misunderstandings between family members which shouldn't have happened in the first place. Another ex of mine, we are friends even though he played me out. After a couple of years, I totally got over it and we both decided to be friends. The past is the past and well, we just weren't meant to be together. No point in being bitter about it.
Ilovecake Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I wonder the same think. I mean I’m 39 and have had my share or relationships. This is the first time where I was approached by an ex to be friends; actually he really pushed for it. I assumed it was because he dumped me and that’s just what dumpers do out of guilt. This is also the first time I was dumped and actually hated my ex, otherwise my relationships always ended amicably or I broke them off and never looked back. So I just figured dumpers do that but I see a lot of dumpees trying to go this friend route as well. Maybe it’s a generational thing? I don’t know.
Ilovecake Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 After a couple of years, I totally got over it and we both decided to be friends. [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]I think these are the magic words. You really need to give it a couple of years. You can't just switch from lover to friend. Like my shrink says until you are ready to go on a double date with your ex and his new girlfriend and not be bothered by it you are not ready to be friends.
ADF Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Amen. You are absolutely, 100% correct. I think there are a couple of reasons why people do this obviously foolish thing: 1) Dumpers often feel guilty after splitting with someone. They feel that offering freindship might lessen the blow, and make them feel less guilty for hurting the other person. 2) Dumpers hope that they can somehow rekindle the relationship from the "friend" position. In both cases, the reasoning is wrong. Dumpers need to understand that staying in touch with someone after you dump them is more likely to be torturous than kind. Dumpees need to let go of false hope and form other relationships.
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