first time relationship for 27 male, real nervous

[naplesguy]

Here’s the thing,

I’m 27 male and I have never been in a relationship, I’ve had a girlfriend at most for 2 weeks when I was 19 in high school and was super nervous, I’ve only had sex once in my life and have done it badly, I’m my very own worst critic and like everyone hates allot of about my body, I am overweight but not allot, I have allot of hair (I’m Italian) and am often self conscious about allot of things about myself.

Long story short I’ve lived in Italy for 27 years and I’m planning on moving away in a few months so I automatically stopped looking for a girlfriend and what happens? I find one; she is really everything I’d ever want in a woman, great personality, very smart, beautiful and so forth. She is 20 and has had a BF for 4 years and they broke up 3 months ago, she found me through her brother which is a friend of mine and she liked my personality and other things of me, so we started going out, today is 1 week (18 June 2010) that we have been going out and automatically I have diarrhea which I think is from nervousness and I’m constantly nervous, so much so that the other night we we’re together sexually and I lost my erection because I have never been 100% naked with a person before so I was a little ashamed, come to find out she had no problems with me and being naked with me, well after I got a little more less nervous I got my erection back but then when I went to give her oral sex (which was also a first for me) she got her period as she was late for a few days so right then and there she decided to get her period.

another thing is that being a redhead all the rumors are true, she is a little wild sexually and has alot of experience where as i have NONE.

 

Now for some reason I feel very self destructive and feel like I want to break things off, even though she makes me feel great, pays me a lot of attention and really cares for me, I have never had this much attention and I think I might be scared about it because I am convinced that I have a lot of problems and hate myself a bit for a few things because of a rough childhood as I was always made fun of growing up and lived with all these problems growing up which made me into a person that hates everyone, as I always joke around and use joking and comedy as a self defense mechanism and now I found a girl who loves the way I make her laugh, loves the way I make her feel and really doesn’t care about any of my flaws and treats me with a lot of attention, I’ve never had this much attention and maybe that’s the thing that scares me.

 

Another thing I can’t understand, I was speaking with my father about some sexual pointers and I got light headed and almost passed out, I really can’t explain it and if anyone can give me some advice and something I can take or try to calm down or anything I can do I’d be very appreciative.

If anyone has any questions feel free to ask, I think I described everything I need to but feel free to ask, this is my first REAL relationship and I’m 27 and I’m experiencing everything for the first time.

[Krytie TV]

Honestly, I say dive in and make mistakes. There's only one way to know what you're doing, and that's to have done it. Be prepared to make mistakes, bad choices, and everything else but don't sweat it. Just get out there and LEARN! The computer will never make you better interpersonally. It's quite impossible.

 

There will always be another relationship (usually, except in marriage). If one ends it's not the end of the world, nor the last woman you'll ever date.

[naplesguy]

thanks for the reply, but what about me feeling so nervous all the time?? is all of what i described normal?

[Krytie TV]

No. It's a product of you waiting 10 or so years longer than most people to experience the "first times". That means you have exponentially more anxiety about everything. It will only go away if you expose yourself to relationships.

[naplesguy]

well i'm back with an update, i've overcome alot of things i stated above but now it has taken a turn for the worse....

 

in the last 3 weeks me and this girl have never said we we're a couple because i was supposed to have been leaving the country and starteing a new life in another country so we we're aware of what would have happened, in turn things happened real fast, in a few days we went from talking to holding hands to kissing to having sex, things a couple does but we weren't a couple.

 

well after 3 weeks of sharing alot of things with her she tells me that we are acting like a couple and moving to fast, even though i thought we we're moving fast i didn't say anything for the fear that i would mess up something but she thought the same thing i did but told me after 3 weeks after we shared so much with each other and she tells me that it was the same thing that led her to break up with her EX-BF it becamse to monotonous, same ol thing and she realised she didn't love him anymore.

 

well she tells me that we never had that initial phase where we would flirt with each other or i would sort of court her (not sure if thats the right word) that would make her nervous or anxious of what to wear, what she would say or do....but even though she tells me that she told me everyday that she is calm when she is with me, i make her feel good and i give her all she wants but for some reason she is fixated on that initial SPARK that needs to be created to get to the next step....even if we went past that step by other 10 steps, thats why i'm stumped and i really need help.

 

i really don't want to lose her so any suggestions are welcomed, because we got so far with our relationship i really wouldn't know how to start over, another thing she mentioned that even if she wanted to meet other guys to then make a comparasion between me and other guys which bothers me because she tells me i give her all she wants yet she needs to make a comparasion???

 

please someone help me, i really don't want to lose her.

[Brady_to_Moss]

She sounds like shes already making up excuses...been there..done that.

[Green]

Be YOURSELF and don't worry about losing her.

 

YOU WILL LOSE HER IF YOU TRY TO BE A FAKE PERSON...

 

But if you are honest, and you RESPECT YOURSELF enough to show her who you realy are and speak your mind.... Well thats your only chance.

 

STOP WORYING SO MUCH AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

[naplesguy]

i am myself, we talked about aot of things, i don't act like anyone else around her, i'm not one of those guys who acts like someone else, we've shared so much and now she wants to be courted so she can find that spark....i don't know i'm pretty sad about the whole situation

[sb129]

What about your spark?

 

Sounds like she can be a little demanding and manipulative.

 

But, if you want to be with her, it sounds like you need to take the bull by the horns and do what she wants- court her.

 

Which might involve not opening up to her so much, hold a little back- it doesn't mean you have to "be someone else" but you don't need to share your entire life story with someone in the first few weeks.

Mystery and potential is attractive.....

[Susanx]

She broke off a 4 yr relationship 3 months ago???? For straters you are definately the rebound guy. Secondly, no relationship that starts with so much pressure goes any where. Also you must always be yourself. Believe me there is someone for everyone just as you are. The other thing is that relationships are always difficult because its 2 human beings coming together, if you are not with the right person, then its an uphill climb 24/7. Dont worry about being nervous. We were all nervous at one stage or another. Confidence will help with the nervousness which will come from dating dating dating or from finding that right person who puts you completely at ease about who you are. Doing whatever it takes not to 'lose' a girlfriend is not worth it unless the effort is reciprocated. Hope this helps

[sb129]

She broke off a 4 yr relationship 3 months ago???? For straters you are definately the rebound guy.

 

I missed this part- sorry! yes, it sounds like she is definitely on the rebound.

 

She also sounds a little unrealistic in her expectations-

"sparks" don't always last, and they don't have to necessarily be there.

They also can't be conjured out of nothing.

 

OP, I would chalk this one up to getting more experience- I don't think you are doing anything wrong.

[naplesguy]

thats the thing, i didn't open up to her, i told her very little about my self and my life, i remained mysterious and vague for the only reason that i made this same mistake in the past of being to open to soon.

 

i am myself and the thing is she told me she didn't want to break it off with me to ruin a potential "good thing" she keeps telling me that I do everything right, everything she likes, i cater to her emotions, i hold her the way she wants to be held, i kiss her the way she wants to be kissed, ecc ecc, not because she told me but because i noticed all these things and did them, something she liked.

 

i didn't think about the rebound guy part but if anything i never put to much pressure on her, she contacted me, she looked for me and it was never the other way around, once after 3 weeks i saw how far things got with us i would send her a text message saying "i always think of you" or "your on my mind" ecc ecc but never filled her with 30000 phone calls or text messages.

 

also she said that the fact that we saw each other everyday for 3 weeks was over doing it, but the thing is that 90% of the times SHE wanted and INSISTED that we see each other so it was all her all the time.

 

another thing is that she is looking for this SPARK and i told her its only something that lasts for a small while either 1 week or 1 month then it becomes a relationship, but i'm still confused she tells me that she loves spending time with me and i give her everything she needs so thats why i don't understand what she is asking of me.

 

now the thing is that i feel like **** because i really like this girl and the fact that i may potentially lose her really depresses me.

[sb129]

But what about the way YOU like to be kissed and held?

 

She holds all the cards and she is calling the shots, and thats not fair on you.

 

You deserve to have a say in how things go in this relationship too.

[pantherj]

thanks for the reply, but what about me feeling so nervous all the time?? is all of what i described normal?

 

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?

[naplesguy]

But what about the way YOU like to be kissed and held?

 

She holds all the cards and she is calling the shots, and thats not fair on you.

 

You deserve to have a say in how things go in this relationship too.

 

i also told her all my likes and dislikes also and she has done them all don't get me wrong but then even though we shared what we like and dislike and we catered to eachothers needs....she drops this thing on me.

 

also pantherj i thought about seeing a shrink but alot of my behavior is from never dating and waiting till i was 27 to do alot of things i should have done when i was 17

[Diezel]

Enjoy the sex that you are getting while you are getting it. Get all of the relationship experience that you can in the next few weeks.

 

DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS TO MOVE.

 

And then... MOVE.

[naplesguy]

Enjoy the sex that you are getting while you are getting it. Get all of the relationship experience that you can in the next few weeks.

 

DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS TO MOVE.

 

And then... MOVE.

 

 

you know what the worst part is? i hate performance problems because i like this girl and i was worried i'd **** something up so the first time i had performance problems and the second time i was able to get it going, but yeah i may have to stick to my plans to move.

[TheLoneSock]

She is 20 and has had a BF for 4 years and they broke up 3 months ago

 

She is rebounding. Do not let your first 'love' be with this girl, you will end up very hurt. Go forth with your original plans in life, live for yourself.

[naplesguy]

She is rebounding. Do not let your first 'love' be with this girl, you will end up very hurt. Go forth with your original plans in life, live for yourself.

 

yeah i understand it, but the fact that she told me she didn't want to end it between us means that she may have some feelings towards me but for the time being is only looking to have some fun.

[naplesguy]

here is what i was advised by a friend.

 

monday is her birthday and i wanted to bring her to dinner but then this whole thing happened so talking to a friend who has seen his share of relationship breakups and such so he told me that even though i told her that we should take a break from each other for a few days, seeing that i told her that to get her thoughts straight my friend said i should wait to see if she calls me in the next few days or shows some signs of life then it may be a good thing, on sunday at midnight (12:01 monday morning) i should then send her a text message telling her happy birthday and see's if she responds to that and then monday morning i send her a flower as a gift and leave a small note, if she doesn't respond to any of my messages, gift or doesn't contact me during the week then thats a sign she doesn't want anything to do with me, then i can move on with my life.

 

the thing is that i am now on day 2 of not hearing her and its tearing me inside for the same reason that i really care for this girl....and i have a problem that i get attached to quickly.... do any of you think it may be remotley possible for her to fall in love with me even though i'm a rebound guy?

[TheLoneSock]

yeah i understand it, but the fact that she told me she didn't want to end it between us means that she may have some feelings towards me but for the time being is only looking to have some fun.

 

It's natural and even predictable that she would say that. Right now, at this moment in time, you are something she wants. I don't think she is malicious, and planning everything out in a devious way or something ridiculous like that, but you have to understand that she probably has no idea what she is doing right now. So for her to say she doesn't want to end it, is a no brainer. That's not the point though, is it?

 

here is what i was advised by a friend.

 

monday is her birthday and i wanted to bring her to dinner but then this whole thing happened so talking to a friend who has seen his share of relationship breakups and such so he told me that even though i told her that we should take a break from each other for a few days, seeing that i told her that to get her thoughts straight my friend said i should wait to see if she calls me in the next few days or shows some signs of life then it may be a good thing, on sunday at midnight (12:01 monday morning) i should then send her a text message telling her happy birthday and see's if she responds to that and then monday morning i send her a flower as a gift and leave a small note, if she doesn't respond to any of my messages, gift or doesn't contact me during the week then thats a sign she doesn't want anything to do with me, then i can move on with my life.

 

the thing is that i am now on day 2 of not hearing her and its tearing me inside for the same reason that i really care for this girl....and i have a problem that i get attached to quickly.... do any of you think it may be remotley possible for her to fall in love with me even though i'm a rebound guy?

 

1) What your friend has proposed is an example of playing games. When it's real it's never this complicated.

 

2) You stated that you have a problem that you get attached too easily, this is obvious. This is called neediness. It's understandable for you to be needy, but it will only cause you harm in your relationships if you don't learn how to control it.

 

3) Yes it is possible. But you shouldn't be placing your bets on that if you know what I mean. The absolute best thing you can do right now is just keep your distance while you pursue YOUR plans that YOU set in motion for YOURSELF to the fullest. You can call her or text her or what not to tell her happy birthday, that let's her know you were thinking about her. Remember, you are on a 'break' right now if you can call it that, and you are moving away soon. The two of you need to decide if you want to maintain anything from a distance, be it a friendship or something more. I would advise not, but your heart is your own and you're going to do whatever you want anyway. Just remember it has to be something that you both want equally.

[naplesguy]

It's natural and even predictable that she would say that. Right now, at this moment in time, you are something she wants. I don't think she is malicious, and planning everything out in a devious way or something ridiculous like that, but you have to understand that she probably has no idea what she is doing right now. So for her to say she doesn't want to end it, is a no brainer. That's not the point though, is it?

 

 

 

1) What your friend has proposed is an example of playing games. When it's real it's never this complicated.

 

2) You stated that you have a problem that you get attached too easily, this is obvious. This is called neediness. It's understandable for you to be needy, but it will only cause you harm in your relationships if you don't learn how to control it.

 

3) Yes it is possible. But you shouldn't be placing your bets on that if you know what I mean. The absolute best thing you can do right now is just keep your distance while you pursue YOUR plans that YOU set in motion for YOURSELF to the fullest. You can call her or text her or what not to tell her happy birthday, that let's her know you were thinking about her. Remember, you are on a 'break' right now if you can call it that, and you are moving away soon. The two of you need to decide if you want to maintain anything from a distance, be it a friendship or something more. I would advise not, but your heart is your own and you're going to do whatever you want anyway. Just remember it has to be something that you both want equally.

 

the reason i get attached to easily is because i've never really had a GF before and now at 27 i get alot of mixed signals coming from myself not knowing what it is i really feel for a person, sort of a love/hate relationship with myself.

 

i think my real problem is that i loved the closeness and the affection that she gave me, i really loved the closeness.

 

we are both aware that i am moving away and i was told to just take it as it comes also to gain experience as i have very little to none and i have learned alot in the last 2 weeks than i have in the last 10 years, because i mentally always destroyed myself thinking i'm too fat, to ugly, ecc ecc and never really seeked for anyone.

 

so i'm gonna stick to my original plans to moving and just tell her that i know that nothing can ever really happen between us and we must move on but still enjoy each others company