I don't know how to deal with heartbreak.

[okay]

I will try to sum this up as briefly as I can though it's rather complicated. I met a man and we hit it off so well, it was unlike anything else I've ever experienced in my life. I left my long distance boyfriend and started to go out with this man. It was very intense, we would talk on the phone at every opportunity, it was amazing, I couldn't believe life had sent this person to me, I felt so damn happy all the time. This man had recently split up with his wife but said things had not been right between them for years before that.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short last week he told me that his wife had asked him to go back and he is going to give it a shot. This shocked me so much because the things he said to me led me to believe he felt the same way about me as I did about him. Well, he's made his decision and I'm left heartbroken. I've never really been dumped before and I just don't feel I can deal with what I'm feeling. I think about him constantly, I cry every day, I'm having problems sleeping. I feel like I've become obsessed by him, it is an effort every day just to not turn up at his work or at the least e-mail him.

 

Just writing all this has started me crying again. I feel that I've lost my soulmate, and I also feel so stupid because he obviously didnt feel the same way about me. But hell he made me think he did, all those plans for our future, all those special things. I just want to be in his arms, oh god I'm so very very broken right now.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, first the practical:

Don't even think of trying the possibility of rekindling something with your ex.

 

But right now, I wouldn't think you're even conscious that would be a (wrong) option right now.

 

Do you know, for the first time in a while, I actually don't know what to say to you.

I hear you're absolutely devastated and rightly so.

I think his actions are careless, inconsiderate, selfish, brainless and completely and utterly heartless.

Unbelievable.

 

I'm so sorry he suckered you in so deeply, and then felt it a viable option to say (not in so many words) "well, it's been fun and all, but you know what? I'm going to go back and see how that works for me...."

outrageous.

You should be feeling very, very angry, and he deserves for someone to just turn up on his doorstep and give him an unforgettable and painful lesson in how NOT to treat a lady.

 

Well done for posting, and well done for sharing.

What little comfort we can bring, we shall bring as well as we can.

but all you can do right now, is take it one day at a time.

 

You deserved better.

And you still do.

 

 

I would only say that if he tries to contact you for anything, you absolutely totally refuse to have anything whatsoever to do with him.

Fight the temptation with every fibre of your being, and everything you've got, to even consider responding to him.

You don't deserve to be yanked about, toyed with and played with.

 

he doesn't deserve your attention, at all.

[Brokennnn]

I will try to sum this up as briefly as I can though it's rather complicated. I met a man and we hit it off so well, it was unlike anything else I've ever experienced in my life. I left my long distance boyfriend and started to go out with this man. It was very intense, we would talk on the phone at every opportunity, it was amazing, I couldn't believe life had sent this person to me, I felt so damn happy all the time. This man had recently split up with his wife but said things had not been right between them for years before that.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short last week he told me that his wife had asked him to go back and he is going to give it a shot. This shocked me so much because the things he said to me led me to believe he felt the same way about me as I did about him. Well, he's made his decision and I'm left heartbroken. I've never really been dumped before and I just don't feel I can deal with what I'm feeling. I think about him constantly, I cry every day, I'm having problems sleeping. I feel like I've become obsessed by him, it is an effort every day just to not turn up at his work or at the least e-mail him.

 

Just writing all this has started me crying again. I feel that I've lost my soulmate, and I also feel so stupid because he obviously didnt feel the same way about me. But hell he made me think he did, all those plans for our future, all those special things. I just want to be in his arms, oh god I'm so very very broken right now.

 

I feel exactly the same way I have no idea how to deal with heartbreak! I guess all we need is time.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, there is a very effective way to deal with heartbreak.

 

You have to understand that everything is impermanent, and that if you're feeling this bad, it's because you're permitting your thoughts to evolve into stories, and to snowball until the random negativity they create, plunges you deeper into despair.

The trick is to catch the thought as it begins to snowball, and countermand it with a positive turnaround. don't let it gather speed and create a tear-jerking scenario.

 

That's how you deal with heartbreak.

 

On paper.

 

In theory.

 

The practice - now that's the bummer......The practice is much, much, MUCH harder.....

[cavedweller]

It is tuff dealing with a broken heart...You just have to learn to get over it and get on with your life.

 

I know...Several years ago I was dumped by my 'soul mate'..(I never loved anyone the way I loved her)....I would have done anything for that woman...But, I had to accept my loss and move on.

 

cavedweller

[HighPlainsDrifter]

I will try to sum this up as briefly as I can though it's rather complicated. I met a man and we hit it off so well, it was unlike anything else I've ever experienced in my life. I left my long distance boyfriend and started to go out with this man. It was very intense, we would talk on the phone at every opportunity, it was amazing, I couldn't believe life had sent this person to me, I felt so damn happy all the time. This man had recently split up with his wife but said things had not been right between them for years before that.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short last week he told me that his wife had asked him to go back and he is going to give it a shot. This shocked me so much because the things he said to me led me to believe he felt the same way about me as I did about him. Well, he's made his decision and I'm left heartbroken. I've never really been dumped before and I just don't feel I can deal with what I'm feeling. I think about him constantly, I cry every day, I'm having problems sleeping. I feel like I've become obsessed by him, it is an effort every day just to not turn up at his work or at the least e-mail him.

 

Just writing all this has started me crying again. I feel that I've lost my soulmate, and I also feel so stupid because he obviously didnt feel the same way about me. But hell he made me think he did, all those plans for our future, all those special things. I just want to be in his arms, oh god I'm so very very broken right now.

 

Hi Okay,

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

I was in an intense relationship with a woman who was separated and in the midst of getting a divorce. We also had an intense relationship for about 9 months and it was one of the most enjoyable relationships I was ever a part of. Couldn't believe I lucked out and found this person!

 

Well, about a couple months ago, she started pushing the divorce thing harder and then all of a sudden she got really distant to me with no real explanation. Kind of just pulled a gradual dissapearing act I guess you would say. I found out in the process of trying to push her divorce through, the STBX had been driving by her apartment and knew that she had been spending her nights somewhere else for the past 8 months and accused that as the reason for the initial split, which it wasn't. I'm sure this has triggered all kinds of emotions in her and it probably overwhelmed her. I don't know. This w-end will mark one year that we first met, and the divorce still hasn't been officially "filed" yet that I know of. I don't know what is going on there because when she started acting distant, I made some initial attempts to let her know how I felt, but then went LC, which has now turned into NC I guess.

 

I think the mistake that we both made here is that we got involved with people who were not emotionally available. It is a really hard place to be in because it sure as heck feels like the real thing for us, but who really knows what it is for them? I hate to think that I was a rebound type of scenario, but it is looking more and more every day like that must have been the case. I can relate to your hurt and offer you my compassion.

 

I have heard that you are not supposed to date someone getting a divorce until 1 yr after the actual papers are signed. I wanted to think that my case was an exception, but it's starting to look like I should have followed that guideline as well.

 

I'm approaching 1 month of NC now, and it's hard as hell. I have moments I want to reach out and see how she's doing but I've refrained. I think that is our only option. It is really difficult to do!

 

Just know that you're not alone and that life will go on for both of us. Who knows what will happen with these people that we were so attached to? I think now is the time to focus on ourselves and finding happiness from within. If I figure out exactly how to do that, I will let you know...

 

Sometimes it helps to know that you're not alone though, and that's what I am trying to let you know. It stinks! I have been through worse situations though, so I know that it will get better eventually. We will get there...

[okay]

The trick is to catch the thought as it begins to snowball, and countermand it with a positive turnaround. don't let it gather speed and create a tear-jerking scenario.

 

That's how you deal with heartbreak.

 

On paper.

 

In theory.

 

The practice - now that's the bummer......The practice is much, much, MUCH harder.....

 

wow, thanks Tara, you actually made me smile. Thankyou for responding, your words are wise and I will attempt to put them into action. You are spot on my thoughts do begin to snowball. I think before when I've split up with people I've always had time to let go or at least known it was time. This time the shock of it has floored me.

[okay]

I feel exactly the same way I have no idea how to deal with heartbreak! I guess all we need is time.

 

thankyou for responding Brokennnn, I really hope its not too long a time, for either of us!

[okay]

I

 

I know...Several years ago I was dumped by my 'soul mate'..(I never loved anyone the way I loved her)....I would have done anything for that woman...But, I had to accept my loss and move on.

 

cavedweller

 

Thankyou for responding cavedweller. It's nice to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it would be nicer to know that the tunnel is gonna be really short!

[okay]

Hi Okay,

 

 

Just know that you're not alone and that life will go on for both of us. Who knows what will happen with these people that we were so attached to? I think now is the time to focus on ourselves and finding happiness from within. If I figure out exactly how to do that, I will let you know...

 

Sometimes it helps to know that you're not alone though, and that's what I am trying to let you know. It stinks! I have been through worse situations though, so I know that it will get better eventually. We will get there...

 

Thankyou for responding highplainsdrifter. I've been so moved that people have bothered to respond ( self esteem nosedive!) and I expected people to condemn me for not being more cautious, heck I do! Yes, I have a track record of attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, this time I thought it was different, it wasnt. Your post really moved me, thankyou so much for telling me of your experience. Our situations sound somewhat similar, and yes yes yes it is hell to not get in touch with him. I just knew in my gut he was the one... my gut lied!

 

I really believe it is possible to find happiness from within, I had a 6 year period of celibacy that was the happiest time of my life. I dont want that again though... hell no! I'm sure things will get better but I hurt very badly right now and sometimes I lose sight of that.

 

And yes, if you find the secret let me know.... oh you'd be a millionaire if ya sold it!

 

the dallai lama said " a heart must break in order to open" and i wonder about that because at times I think this whole love milarky isnt worth the pain.

 

I think I'm rambling on a bit now....

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Thankyou for responding highplainsdrifter. I've been so moved that people have bothered to respond ( self esteem nosedive!) and I expected people to condemn me for not being more cautious, heck I do! Yes, I have a track record of attracting men who are emotionally unavailable, this time I thought it was different, it wasnt. Your post really moved me, thankyou so much for telling me of your experience. Our situations sound somewhat similar, and yes yes yes it is hell to not get in touch with him. I just knew in my gut he was the one... my gut lied!

 

I really believe it is possible to find happiness from within, I had a 6 year period of celibacy that was the happiest time of my life. I dont want that again though... hell no! I'm sure things will get better but I hurt very badly right now and sometimes I lose sight of that.

 

And yes, if you find the secret let me know.... oh you'd be a millionaire if ya sold it!

 

the dallai lama said " a heart must break in order to open" and i wonder about that because at times I think this whole love milarky isnt worth the pain.

 

I think I'm rambling on a bit now....

 

Nothing wrong with rambling Okay, and it actually can be theraputic so feel free. We all learn from others bad experiences and it helps to know that it happens to many of us in some form or another. Good to know you're not alone.

 

Sometimes when you try to cheer someone up and point out how things will pass, you can also convince yourself of the same thing... Geeze though it sure isn't easy, and I hadn't had a bond like that for over 10 years.. I've dated several since that time, but really never went all in until this one. What a great choice!

 

I have had many tales of heartbreak over the years. Good lord who hasn't? But I know I've always come back eventually. I have faith that this will be the same.

 

I went through a 2 yr period of celibacy (caught my fiancee in bed with another guy... sweet) about 10 yrs ago and didn't find much happiness in that either. It wasn't so much the sex that I missed, but the bond with someone I wanted to truly be with. And now, here we are back at the start. I think it's a good idea to start with light dates eventually, and just be open to expanding your social circle. Sometimes you have to FORCE yourself.

 

I've also been reading books on improving myself, working out, eating right, and playing golf for distractions at the moment. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but life goes on... I do usually feel better after getting exercise and being out in the sun.

 

Yah it is really hard not to contact them and I know you are really hurt by him going back to his ex, but at least you're not in limbo land like I am. I think that part is the worst of all. It keeps you hanging and threatens you breaking the NC rule constantly because you think you should do SOMEthing, but that's likely not the best idea. They know where we are at and how we feel.

 

Right now, I think I agree with ya on the love being milarky idea, but I know it will come back around. For both of us okay!

[JeffFatherree]

you always want someone more when they reject you its basic human behavior .. or we always want what we cannot have and want even more what we have to work for!

 

this sucks! but has a silver lining, time will heal this wound and then in the future learn to see the red flags before you get emotional with a person! ( red flags: just getting out of a marriage regardless of what he says is a red flag. )

 

Good luck

[S.Tee]

Be strong Okay.

Your words shows you are handling things OK so far and let that remains. Since this is your first experience been dumped, I must say that weel done! Crying whenever you need to but do not prolong. Get yourself busy, mix with close friends, share feelings with family members, do the things you like & enjoy. Reward yourself sweetheart.

 

We do not know what happened to him & his wife before they separated, but it might not work out when they reconcile, but do not give it any hope. Time will tell, but I can just feel he also has mixed feelings. It might be for the sake of their kids etc.

 

However do not hate him for that. Hatred only makes your life horrible. He might not feel a single heartbroken but you are suffering and cursing on your own. So go on with your life, just post to us on any progress.

 

Take care.

[okay]

S.Tee

Yes, he did say at one point that he was returning for the sake of his son. I'm highly sceptical about that though, I don't really know if people do stay in relationships 'for the children'. To be brutally honest with myself I think him and his wife were going through a rocky patch, split up , and I was his bit of fun untill they got back together, this is something I feel when I'm at my most cynical. He went all out to make me love him though which was at best extremely selfish of him. I don't hate him, I really wish I could. Thankyou for your encouragement :-)

 

JeffFatherree

Thanks for the luck, I need it! Yeah, that wanting what you can't have thing is really horrible. Strange thing is when his wife asked if they could go to marriage guidance and try to get back together it was ME who told him, when he got confused about what to do, to take two weeks without talking to me to make his decision. He took the two weeks, he made his decision. :-(

[okay]

HighPlainsDrifter

 

 

"I've dated several since that time, but really never went all in until this one. What a great choice!"

Yeah I feel the same, though really it's not about choice is it, sometimes things just happen, there's no stopping it. Would I have stopped myself loving this man if I could? well with the value of hindsight I definitely would.

 

"It wasn't so much the sex that I missed, but the bond with someone I wanted to truly be with. And now, here we are back at the start. "

I totally understand this , feeling like you are part of something wonderful, knowing you love and are loved, it's an amazing feeling. And it's amazingly crap when it's taken away from you!

 

"I think it's a good idea to start with light dates eventually, and just be open to expanding your social circle. Sometimes you have to FORCE yourself."

Well I'm not intending to date anyone for a long long time. Luckily I have friends who are forcing me to go out tonight! right now a quote I once heard rings very true ... " between me and insanity stand my friends".

 

"I've also been reading books on improving myself, working out, eating right, and playing golf for distractions at the moment. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't,"

This sounds like a really healthy and pro-active way of dealing with things, I hope I can get to that stage, at the moment I'm pretty much living on pizza and beer.

 

"Yah it is really hard not to contact them and I know you are really hurt by him going back to his ex, but at least you're not in limbo land like I am. I think that part is the worst of all. "

Yes it must be hell for you. I do have it to a lesser extent because I keep finding myself thinking that he will realise he's made a mistake and will get back in touch. Every time the phone rings, every time theres a knock at the door, everytime I get an e-mail I think it will be him. I understand I have to let go but find myself waiting.

 

thanks so much for your responses HighPlains (and everyone, really ive been amazed at the warmth), they really have made a lot of difference to me, I'm not sure how because I still feel crap but I feel ... mmm, less hopeless I guess.