I'm so indecisive

[mishkers]

This is gonna be a long one, sorry...

I need some neutral advice. I am a 26 year old single mother. However, I have always lived with my mother. I am her only child as she divorced my dad when I was only 2. Even throughout my marriage, lived with her. She was sure to always tell us we could never make it on our own. I stayed with her after the divorce because I felt as though I needed the support. A few months ago, she encouraged me to quit my job and return to school. At the time she had already retired and had been watching my son. I have been accepted to a nursing program here, that is relatively elite, well priced, and I can have a BSN in a year. I want this very badly.

Here is the problem: My mom has always been very controlling - to the point I sought out counseling in the past, but that is even different now. She has recently started dating again and she is no longer willing to watch my son when I have class. She goes out typically 4/7 nights a wk and yet claims she has no time to herself. She says if I ever think I have a free moment that it belongs to her. She recently told me that one of her boyfriends will knock the **** outta me if I talk back to her. She kicks me out one day and the next she is as nice as pie. I am always on eggshells around her. If I say anything she is quick to tell me I am a bad mother because I am in school so much and not spending enough time with my son. She reminds me often that I can do nothing without her. She just laughs at me when I tell her I am an adult and could be on my own. She is always pointing out my flaws, real or perceived. She makes it clear that she does not like me and she only cares about my son. Typically, she apologizes for her behavior a few days after, but then she just does it again.

 

I am scared to start this program in August, after paying out a few thousand dollars and to be kicked out of the house...again... and having to drop out. Then, what if when I am in my 80hrs a week for rotation that she brings these men around my son.

 

I have two choices, suck it up and get thru the year or I could pack up and move in with my boyfriend who is stationed 3 hrs away who I am moving in with after school ends anyway. I can not go to school if I do not have her help. I can not afford an apartment and daycare (as I said, one rotation is 80hrs a week without studying) and the program requires that we don't work...but again with 80hrs that can't happen anyways... I had money saved up when I quit work which has already gone to her and I have been living on student loans since then. If I move I will be going back to work and putting school on hold for a bit. My boyfriend is very supportive and reminds me that I will be going back to school; he is actually quite adamant about it.

 

I don't think I can deal with being told I am worthless by myself or having her override all my decisions about my son. It's like he's my brother and not my son. I say he can play in the water and she huffs about how I am incompetent and now he's dirty. I doubt myself daily. I'm scared to be on my own without her, but I know I can do it, despite what she says. I can't stand being blamed for her unhappiness anymore - she frequently reminds me I am why she is single. I can't do this anymore. I can't be treated this way anymore. I just don't want to give up this dream of school. It means a lot to me, but does it mean more than my dignity?

 

Can anyone clarify this for me? I have so many emotions mixed in that I can't make a rational decision. I am so confused.

Edited June 18, 2010 by mishkers
typo

[StarrySkyBlue]

Wow, tough situation here. Looks like you've got a very unhealthy and manipulative mother. Could you clarify things a bit about your options? Are you financially dependent on your mother? If you go to school, who will be taking care of your son? How much can your boyfriend help?

 

From what I understand, you have 2 options. (Please clarify if this is the case)

1) Stay at home, leave your son with your mom, and your mom will pay for the school.

2) Move out and move in with your boyfriend, give up school and work.

 

So, shouldn't there be a 3rd option? I know they accepted you, but will it be possible to postpone it for a period of time? Move in with your boyfriend, take your son away from the unhealthy environment, work and save some money. Then, once you can do that, go back to school. You know, make it a long-term plan.

 

I really, really believe you should get away from your mother as soon as possible, because right now you have your son to think of as well. I don't think you want him around that kind of influence.

 

Don't give up. Life is hard and there are lots of tough decisions to make. I hope things would work out for you!

[curiousnycgirl]

Where is your son's father in all this? Can he not watch your son while you are in school? What kind of support is he providing for his son? Can that not help wth childcare?

 

I cannot tell you what to do, and the truth is from that short posts none of us can know how tolerable (or not) your living situation is - however I would lean towards trying to get through school as quickly as possible and then moving on with your life with a marketable skillset. If you leave your mother's place for your b/f's who is to say that will work out? And where will you be then?

 

Good luck!

[mishkers]

StarrySkyBlue: Your option is what I was trying to convey in my second option. I will be going back to work and I will be going back to school after a year or two when things are stable. I would not just move in with him and be a lazy butt not working and not going to school.

 

My mom is not paying for school, student loans are, but now that my savings has run dry I am living with her for free. That is the help she has offered, which is a lot, but I am thinking not enough to be in this situation. Not to mention she very often makes me feel bad about not offering any money. She also does watch my son for me. I had an abusive 'nana' growing up, that my mom never knew what was going on, and I have always been terrified to allow someone I don't know to watch him. He just turned 3 today. While I don't know them well, there is a good friend of the bf who's wife stays home with their 2 kids and we've discussed her watching my son. Also, there is a preschool on post I am really hoping to get a job at (fingers crossed) and he could attend there.

 

curiousnycgirl: His dad is no longer in the picture. He does not help to financially support him and only visits him every few months. He is not permitted to be alone with him by court because of him being negligent and my son burning himself badly while in his care. I have no support from him.

 

I am not unable to get a job. I, in fact, already have a bachelors degree and two associates. They just aren't particularly useful and I very badly want to be a nurse. I am very marketable as an employee, just not in fields in which I am interested. If this is what it takes to get out of the environment we are in, I'd work at McDonalds. I started working at 15 and am not afraid of it. I was just looking forward to finding a career I could love.

 

I do not plan on placing everything on the boyfriend. I will set up a job and, after a few months, could potentially move on my own once I'm working if the worst case scenario presented itself.

Edited June 20, 2010 by mishkers

[StarrySkyBlue]

Mishkers: If it were me, I'd go with Option 2. I don't think your mother would be a good influence in your son's life, and I do know that early childhood experience is very, very important. If moving out will give him a better environment, I think it's the right thing to do. You sound like a really smart, responsible lady, and I'm sure whatever you choose will be best for you

 

Good luck!

[mishkers]

Thank you very much. I have decided it will be what is best for my son and I to move.

[turnera]

Do any of the places around you that offer nursing programs offer work/study programs? They have that here at places like NASA, where you work there a semester, and then you go to school a semester, and keep it up til you graduate; and then get hired full time.

 

Can you not get your exhusband's wages garnished to support his son?

 

I just wanted to comment also about child care; the day care centers my daughter went to were very very good, and she had a wonderful time at them, and learned a lot, too. I wish you would consider it.

[mishkers]

Unfortunately, they do not have any work study programs here.

The ex doesn't have any wages. He's a lazy bum that isn't working. I wish!

[Tayla]

The story reminds me ....There is often a "payoff" even in the worse of relationships, you nailed yours full force with a dose of reality. So whatever used to work no longer is..the payoff has been worn out. You need a new beginning to find some positive payoffs, and your career can be one of them. Use your medical knowledge and cut the umblical cord your mom has with you. Like it or not you have been tied to her for longer then is healthy. Do so with love and do so quickly. It may not be easy...gosh being a single parent is one heck of task to take on...Yet history proves, it can be done. Luckily you are already showing aspirations of completing your nursing degree. Keep that goal in the distant future as you move forward with your child. Your child needs to be front and center.

[turnera]

Unfortunately, they do not have any work study programs here.

The ex doesn't have any wages. He's a lazy bum that isn't working. I wish!

You can still take him to court. That court motion will stay with him for the first 18 years of your child's life - ANY wages he earns in that time will be partially redirected to you. But not until you go to court. Do it for your child.

 

You are in Vegas literally? How do you know the companies there don't have work study programs? You called them all in one day?

[mishkers]

I've been looking at all the programs for over a year and talking to different educators in the Valley, so I'm very familiar with what is offered here.