Helenp Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Hey everyone, I'm new to this site and I decided to write a post here because I need urget help.. It's probably a long read but for those that took time to listen to me, I really appreciate it. Also I kind of needed to go through my previous realtionship just so you could understand the full scale of what im going through.. I'm in so much pain and I really need some one to help ...Ok so it all started with my first relationship when I was 14, I meet this guy called Ryan who was in my group of friends and I liked him for ages before we got together. When we finally did I was over the moon, 2 months into the relationship we had our first kiss and then 2 days after that I woke up in the morning with major axiety about weather or not I really did love him (I know i was only 14, but then i thought you had to be in love with someone from the very start to ever consider being with them) and I couldnt sleep or eat properly for a week, I was so drained.. it was like my life had been sucked out of my body... I was to scared to tell him or anyone for that matter so I left it and the pain finally subsided... Even though the pain went it was always in the back of my mind weather or not I really loved him... I finally ended it about a year later because I knew that it was never going to last and the anxieties came back every few months and I just couldnt deal with it again When the realtionship ended the anxiety and the doubt left me and I slowly moved on.. Three years went by and I was invited to one of my friends parties.. I was on the lookout for a new guy and I did meet one, his name is Dan and I had feelings for him straight away.. he just seemed so amazing and everything I ever wanted.. he is also really good friends with my best friend Mat who has has had feelings for me for a very very long time... After the party I tried my best to keep in contact with Dan because I really wanted to be a part of his life... the best I could do was msn and facebook but it was better then nothing.. he then got a girlfriend and I was shattered but I delt with it. I then started to hang out with him, his gilfriend and mat.. we went over to eachothers houses and it was good fun.. I mainly did it all for Dan I just wanted to see him.. I even kind of pretended I was intrested in Mat when he asked me out just so I could be invited to things they were doing...just so i could see Dan Then one week ago I was on Facebook and I saw that dan had broken up with his girlfriend who he had been seeing for 1 year and he was shattered and I wanted to be there for him as best as I could.. We spoke for hours that night and then on the next day we spoke for hours.. he wasnt doing so well that night because he wasnt coping well with being alone so I offered to keep him company the next day.. It was this whole big thing because I had wanted this for so long.. I just wanted to be the one there for him and I wanted to make him smile... When I went over to his house it was really great.. we spoke for hours and we were watching anime on his bed and then we started to get really close... we ended up having sex and it was amazing.. it didnt just feel like sex it felt like somthing more than that.. like we really connected... Then the next day I got the horrible anxiety i got with my first relationship.. I cant sleep properly, i cant eat properly and my insides feel like they are wasiting away because I'm so exausted...I'm in so much pain and I cant bare it.. today my bones have even started to hurt alot and I just shake and shake untill it almost makes me sick.. It's kind of like me and Dan are in a relationship now, we aren't but it just feels that way because we can talk about absoultley anything with eachother now and Im going over to his place again this Sunday... The reason I'm having this anxiety now is because I dont know how i feel about him but I dont get it because I've bent over backwards for over a year trying to get his attention.. And from the time between his break up to now has only been 6 days.. everything has happened so fast... I really want to be with him and I love his company, he loves mine to and he tells me how beautiful i am and how he loves holding me tight.. It's all I've ever wanted and when the time comes for me to have a chance of being happy again it's just ruined buy this fear inside me Do you think it's because everything has been going so fast? Should I be so concerned about my feelings for him when we have only spent 1 day together alone.. it was an amazing day.. it really was I really want to give this a chance.. Id hate for him not to be in my life and I'd die if he found another girl.. but all this over analyzing and overthinking is driving me crazy and my body is hurting so much.. can someone please help me because I cant eat or sleep but I really want this to work!!! Thankyou if you read this far.. It means a lot to hear what you have to say
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 He's in emotional turmoil. You were there. You slept together. Not the greatest thing to do with someone who's getting over someone else. I know to you it looks like he's available, but emotionally, he's far from it. He needs to be given time and space to grieve about his relationship, because any decision he makes before then is rushed and meaningless. You need to give him that space. I'm not saying don't talk to him, but sleeping with him is a MASSIVE red flag. Do not sleep with him again. You both CANNOT, and I repeat CANNOT be together physically. In the future, if you are meant to be, then you're meant to be. Now is not that time. Do not hold out too much hope that it will ever be time, but it's not now. In the end, since he is the one grieving, HE will be the one to let you know if and when it should go ahead. If you love him and it's not wholeheartedly reciprocated (and while he's getting over someone, it's not being reciprocated), then it's not time yet. Hope that made sense. Best of luck
Sari Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Hey everyone, I'm new to this site and I decided to write a post here because I need urget help.. It's probably a long read but for those that took time to listen to me, I really appreciate it. Also I kind of needed to go through my previous realtionship just so you could understand the full scale of what im going through.. I'm in so much pain and I really need some one to help ...Ok so it all started with my first relationship when I was 14, I meet this guy called Ryan who was in my group of friends and I liked him for ages before we got together. When we finally did I was over the moon, 2 months into the relationship we had our first kiss and then 2 days after that I woke up in the morning with major axiety about weather or not I really did love him (I know i was only 14, but then i thought you had to be in love with someone from the very start to ever consider being with them) and I couldnt sleep or eat properly for a week, I was so drained.. it was like my life had been sucked out of my body... I was to scared to tell him or anyone for that matter so I left it and the pain finally subsided... Even though the pain went it was always in the back of my mind weather or not I really loved him... I finally ended it about a year later because I knew that it was never going to last and the anxieties came back every few months and I just couldnt deal with it again When the realtionship ended the anxiety and the doubt left me and I slowly moved on.. Three years went by and I was invited to one of my friends parties.. I was on the lookout for a new guy and I did meet one, his name is Dan and I had feelings for him straight away.. he just seemed so amazing and everything I ever wanted.. he is also really good friends with my best friend Mat who has has had feelings for me for a very very long time... After the party I tried my best to keep in contact with Dan because I really wanted to be a part of his life... the best I could do was msn and facebook but it was better then nothing.. he then got a girlfriend and I was shattered but I delt with it. I then started to hang out with him, his gilfriend and mat.. we went over to eachothers houses and it was good fun.. I mainly did it all for Dan I just wanted to see him.. I even kind of pretended I was intrested in Mat when he asked me out just so I could be invited to things they were doing...just so i could see Dan Then one week ago I was on Facebook and I saw that dan had broken up with his girlfriend who he had been seeing for 1 year and he was shattered and I wanted to be there for him as best as I could.. We spoke for hours that night and then on the next day we spoke for hours.. he wasnt doing so well that night because he wasnt coping well with being alone so I offered to keep him company the next day.. It was this whole big thing because I had wanted this for so long.. I just wanted to be the one there for him and I wanted to make him smile... When I went over to his house it was really great.. we spoke for hours and we were watching anime on his bed and then we started to get really close... we ended up having sex and it was amazing.. it didnt just feel like sex it felt like somthing more than that.. like we really connected... Then the next day I got the horrible anxiety i got with my first relationship.. I cant sleep properly, i cant eat properly and my insides feel like they are wasiting away because I'm so exausted...I'm in so much pain and I cant bare it.. today my bones have even started to hurt alot and I just shake and shake untill it almost makes me sick.. It's kind of like me and Dan are in a relationship now, we aren't but it just feels that way because we can talk about absoultley anything with eachother now and Im going over to his place again this Sunday... The reason I'm having this anxiety now is because I dont know how i feel about him but I dont get it because I've bent over backwards for over a year trying to get his attention.. And from the time between his break up to now has only been 6 days.. everything has happened so fast... I really want to be with him and I love his company, he loves mine to and he tells me how beautiful i am and how he loves holding me tight.. It's all I've ever wanted and when the time comes for me to have a chance of being happy again it's just ruined buy this fear inside me Do you think it's because everything has been going so fast? Should I be so concerned about my feelings for him when we have only spent 1 day together alone.. it was an amazing day.. it really was I really want to give this a chance.. Id hate for him not to be in my life and I'd die if he found another girl.. but all this over analyzing and overthinking is driving me crazy and my body is hurting so much.. can someone please help me because I cant eat or sleep but I really want this to work!!! Thankyou if you read this far.. It means a lot to hear what you have to say Hi helenp, it sounds like you are suffering from what is know in the biz as ROCD - Relationship OCD. It's where somebody who has commtimentphobic tendencies and also some obsessive tendencies starts to feel unnatural amounts of anxiety and depression based around their romantic relationships. There are thousands of sufferers out there (including me, although I'm just suffering a broken heart at the moment so may not be of much help to you!). I used to go to a website called www.stuckinadoorway.org which had whole threads dedicated to ROCD. Also maybe google a couple of articles by Dr Stephen Phillipson (One in particular called 'I think it moved' which cover this amongst other topics). I suffered acutely for years with the same symptoms as you have described, and it took a lot of hard work and effort but I finally came out the other side. Hope this helps, hugs!
Author Helenp Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Thankyou guys so much for listening.. Looks like you were right, he got back together with his girlfriend last night which really upsets me cause now I know he said a whole bunch of things to me he never ment. I had a cry but I'll be fine.. I'll move on and I'm looking forward to meeting new people. Thankyou so much for telling me about ROCD.. I'll definately be reading up on it
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