racefan Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Ok I'm new on here but I need some advice. I have been married over 14 years and never thought about cheating until recently. I had a friend at work and he was married to. We talked all the time for years as just friends. I recently lost alot of weight and then next thing I noticed he was always there. Well one day he asked for my number and it started. We would text, talk and even went out. We both discussed we had commitments to someone else and our children. We never had sex in the 4 months this went on, but we did have an emotional affair at least on my part. (note the reason we didn't have sex is because I wouldn't do it at work and he never seemed to have time to go to a motel) He used to tell me even before how he was only married for the kids and that they just lived together, no sex in years. I couldn't say the same because I was head over hills for my husband until a major crisis in my life happened. To make a long story short I could talk to MM for hours and he helped me through my crisis. A friend of my husband saw us one night when we met for a quick drink and my husband found out. He spent weeks finding out who this MM was before he confronted me. I denied it at first but when he started naming specifics I confessed because I really do want to save my marriage. Well he called MM and of course he denied it at first then covered his tracks and assured my husband it was over. Well afterwards I talked to the MM and he would have continued if I wanted to but when I told him my husband might call his wife he told me what lie he wanted me to back him on. My husband did call his wife and her comment was he's not getting away with it this time I finally have some proof. So obviously I wasn't the first for him, but he really was for me. Having been cheated on before I never would have thought I would do this but there was just something about him and I fell hard for him. This was 2 months ago and we haven't talked since, haven't even seen each other. He totally avoids me at work and he had to get his prepaid number changed. I want to save my marriage so I'm leaving the job and I know he has heard, the problem is I really miss the friend that I had to begin with and I would like to tell him bye but I don't know if that is the right thing. Part of me is mad because my husband said he played me and anyone who just wanted it at work wasn't worthy of me (my husband used to be a player and he says he could tell when he talked to him that is what he was that is why he told his wife, he knew she would make him stay away from me). I know I got played and I know I wasn't the first woman at work, funny how people like to talk after it's too late but I still have feelings for this man and it was still my choice. I miss my friend who was so easy to talk to and listened to my problems. I don't want to start it back but I don't feel like we had closure. So do I leave and not say anything since that seems to be what he wants or has to do? and if so how do I get over the sense of loss and lonelyness I feel without him?
jthorne Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Your MM stopped being a friend when the friendship turned EA. You can't go back. So, in essence, that guy is gone. Your H seems like a pretty stand-up guy. I'm confused why you can't talk to him instead.
JustJoe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Instead of mourning over a player, perhaps you should be trying to regain your Husband's trust? You are very lucky. If you were my wife you would be history.
Trimmer Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I know I got played and I know I wasn't the first woman at work, funny how people like to talk after it's too late but I still have feelings for this man and it was still my choice. I think you need to own that it was your choice, and not minimize it with "I got played..." The nature of your relationship with the MM may have been based on deception on his part, but the real issue for you and your marriage - the fact that you engaged in that relationship at all - was completely your choice, and is not mitigated one bit by his status, whether genuine or a "player." Put another way, if what is important to you is repairing your marriage, how do you think your husband would react to you saying "this happened, but he was a player..." He will hear this as you disclaiming your responsibility and control, and it will not go over well... I don't want to start it back but I don't feel like we had closure. "Closure" between two people is a sign of mutual respect. That didn't exist here, so don't try to find it. Where closure is needed is within your own marriage, and that will not be helped by your making ANY further contact with the MM. So do I leave and not say anything since that seems to be what he wants or has to do? No, you leave and do not say anything since that is the best way to look forward, move on with your life, and respect the marriage that you are intending to repair.
Author racefan Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 I do talk to my husband but it isn't as easy. He isn't as laid back because he does share in the issues I have going on. I am taking responsibility, I didn't realize I had been played until my husband so kindly pointed it out but I made the choice as to what happened and I did try to stop it b4 we got caught, I just couldn't. Yes I know I'm very fortunate but my husband hasn't always been perfect, I made a choice to forgive him of an affair a long time ago. And yes part of me wonders if this was in some way revenge. I will be leaving in a week and I will stay away because I do want my marriage and my husband. I just need to deal with the left over emotions and don't know how.
fooled once Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Ok I'm new on here but I need some advice. I have been married over 14 years and never thought about cheating until recently. I had a friend at work and he was married to. We talked all the time for years as just friends. I recently lost alot of weight and then next thing I noticed he was always there. Well one day he asked for my number and it started. We would text, talk and even went out. We both discussed we had commitments to someone else and our children. We never had sex in the 4 months this went on, but we did have an emotional affair at least on my part. (note the reason we didn't have sex is because I wouldn't do it at work and he never seemed to have time to go to a motel) He used to tell me even before how he was only married for the kids and that they just lived together, no sex in years. I couldn't say the same because I was head over hills for my husband until a major crisis in my life happened. To make a long story short I could talk to MM for hours and he helped me through my crisis. A friend of my husband saw us one night when we met for a quick drink and my husband found out. He spent weeks finding out who this MM was before he confronted me. I denied it at first but when he started naming specifics I confessed because I really do want to save my marriage. Well he called MM and of course he denied it at first then covered his tracks and assured my husband it was over. Well afterwards I talked to the MM and he would have continued if I wanted to but when I told him my husband might call his wife he told me what lie he wanted me to back him on. My husband did call his wife and her comment was he's not getting away with it this time I finally have some proof. So obviously I wasn't the first for him, but he really was for me. Having been cheated on before I never would have thought I would do this but there was just something about him and I fell hard for him. This was 2 months ago and we haven't talked since, haven't even seen each other. He totally avoids me at work and he had to get his prepaid number changed. I want to save my marriage so I'm leaving the job and I know he has heard, the problem is I really miss the friend that I had to begin with and I would like to tell him bye but I don't know if that is the right thing. Part of me is mad because my husband said he played me and anyone who just wanted it at work wasn't worthy of me (my husband used to be a player and he says he could tell when he talked to him that is what he was that is why he told his wife, he knew she would make him stay away from me). I know I got played and I know I wasn't the first woman at work, funny how people like to talk after it's too late but I still have feelings for this man and it was still my choice. I miss my friend who was so easy to talk to and listened to my problems. I don't want to start it back but I don't feel like we had closure. So do I leave and not say anything since that seems to be what he wants or has to do? and if so how do I get over the sense of loss and lonelyness I feel without him? Leave it alone. He was never really your friend. Focus on making it up to your husband. Learn to talk to HIM and not use other males for confidantes.
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