I got my ex back, but I'm still unhappy :(

[spyyder]

I first met my girlfriend at a mall, she was 18 I was 21. We were together for a year and 3 months and she then broke it off 3 weeks ago. She gave me a second chance yesterday. Here's the story:

 

During our relationship I felt like I finally started living, and she the same. We were so so in love. We gave ourselves to each other and felt like one person. We ate the same stuff, watched the same stuff, shared pajamas, etc. I had my own place, but because her parents saw the intense love we had for each other they didn't mind when I slept over, etc. I took her to Paris for 2 nights and when we came back I was upset because I wished we stayed for at least a week. I felt so complete with her, and she the same. She use to surprise me in the most wonderful ways, she had such a lovely mind, did everything I asked, was unbelievably caring, said the most adorable things and you know what.... I could have easily mistaken her for an Angel.

 

Now the bad part. I was bad. I never cheated on her or anything but I was so incredibly mean sometimes. Dont get me wrong, about 95% of the time I was wonderful to her and 5% I was bad. The problem is when I was bad I was REALLY bad. I never physically abused her, but I did verbally. Here are 2 examples:

 

We were fitting hardwood flooring at my new 4-room office. It was frustrating and we both made many small mistakes. I insulted and yelled at her so many times that I think she burst into tears about 10 times during the process. When I made mistakes I got frustrated and I actually lashed it out on her. I was so cruel to her, it was as if I was testing how far I could go before she left. Once when I made her cry and after I apologized (sincerely) she said "I don't care how many times you shout at me, and make me cry...I will always love you and be with you babe". I felt so bad that I cried myself. I wish she gave me a slap when I was like that so I'd realize how cruel I was being. I'm actually crying right now remembering how cruel I was in that time.

 

Another example was when she had 2 exams in one day, with no classes at her college. Her first exam was at 1pm, and the next was at 4pm. She wanted to be with me during that gap. So after her first exam I picked her up from college, we spent time together and then I dropped her back just before 4pm for her next exam. She said the exam is 30 minutes, so I can either go to her house and she'll take the bus back to her home or I can wait in the parking lot till she finishes. I said that I would wait in the parking lot. There was a delay in her exam and I ended up waiting for over an hour, at the parking lot. When she came back with a smile on her face I started yelling and shouting at her so bad the she burst into tears within 10 seconds. And this was just because I got angry that I had to wait so long. Again, I wish she had slapped me in the face so I'd realize how cruel I was being, but I guess she loved me too much to even slap me when I was being so horrible.

 

95% of the time we were together we were so happy. We use to go to the forest and I felt like I was 10 because she made it seem like we didn't have anything to worry about in the world. She use to tell me how happy she was with me. I remember I was once really mean to her and then made up, and the next day she gave me a gift...I asked her why (knowing that I was mean the day before) and she said 'because your so nice to me'. I felt so bad that I burst into tears.

 

3 weeks ago she said she wanted to break up. I said ok, thinking that it was just a joke or something. Next day I find out she was actually serious. I think I almost fainted, but then started to realize why. I felt so horrible and all I wanted to do is say that I'm so so so sorry and that I wanted another chance to make up for it. She said no, and I then explained how sorry I was, and reminded her of all the bad things I did THEN said what I wished I had done instead. She still said no.

 

After that I couldn't work, sleep, eat or do anything properly. I even went out and got myself a lease on a $800/mo BMW convertible to make myself feel better. I couldn't believe it, but it actually made me feel WORSE as I didn't see the point in having anything nice if I couldn't share it with her. I realized that she was my everything, and I had a real angel in my arms and ruined everything. I realized that the reason I started to do well in my business is because I wanted a good life with her...and now without her whats the point in doing anything. I'm not suicidal but I thought that whats the point in living, if can't share my life with her.

 

I've dated MANY girls in my life and I always thought of marriage as something for idiots. This was until I met her, and suddenly the 1 thing I wanted more than anything in life was to marry her. One day I did ask her what she would say if I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I think I asked her this about 6 times during our relationship and she one day asked me when I would ask her for real. I really met the one, I really met angel and I'm so fu*king stupid that I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

I cried every morning and night during the 3 weeks we weren't together. I remember when I was shopping I was so sad that I started to feel myself cry so I calmly drove home, and as soon as I closed my door I burst into tears. It was really loud crying and I cried so hard I almost started to suffocate myself. However during this time she made it easier for me by letting me talk to her on the phone and she also said that the problem wasn't me but was her. Yeah right...I KNOW that the problem was me not her, I was the horrible one and she was a fu*king angel, and I was more like a devil.

 

During the 3 weeks we were apart she also changed A LOT. She no longer was caring, no longer an angel in anyway. She actually became kind of bitchy. I don't blame her and I can understand why this has happened. I tried to remind her of all the good times we had and she said that she doesn't really think of the good times, but only the bad. I felt like I was a husband trying to get his wife back who suffers from alzheimer's disease!

 

YESTERDAY I said I wanted to give back all the gifts she gave me because they just kept on reminding me what I did and lost, and she said she wanted to do the same. During our relationship we gave each other lots of gifts, and did many paintings of each other so this was something of a removal process. I arrived at hers, I sat on the bed and we started talking. I told her what she means to me, and AGAIN told her that I realized what I had done, that i was so sorry and I no longer want to get back together for myself, but want to get back together to make her happy so I can make up for all the times I was so mean. She gave me a second chance!!! I was so happy, only for a while though.

 

Then all of a sudden she said that she doesn't think she loves me anymore. I asked why is she giving me a second chance, and she said she doesn't know, and maybe its because she feels bad seeing me in so much pain. I then started crying for two reasons...because of what she said and because I remember all the mean things I did to her and that I understood why she doesn't love me anymore.

 

Today when I got up I cried, as usual. I didn't even get a chance to think that it was just a nightmare, the nightmare started when I woke up. Although she was still my girlfriend I knew that she didn't love me and wasn't the same.

 

We went to the cinema today and I started to slightly feel like we were getting closer but so slow that I'm starting to think that this might not be right. I still think I can get her to love me again, and I can get her to be the person she once was.

 

What do you guys & girls think? What should I do now? All I want is to get my babe back the way she was. If I just break up and move on, I'll always know that no girl would ever match up to what I had and I just can't live with that.

Edited June 17, 2010 by spyyder

[brokenamy]

Listen to me and listen to me GOOD. This is your one shot at keeping the one you love and by God don't **** it up. Don't try to change her into the one you fall in love with. Be the one you should have been when she was so nice and loving and caring and perfect. CHange and be the best you can be and in no time, when she sees that you are for real, I promise you, her old self will return. I wish I was in your shoes.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Listen to me and listen to me GOOD. This is your one shot at keeping the one you love and by God don't **** it up. Don't try to change her into the one you fall in love with. Be the one you should have been when she was so nice and loving and caring and perfect. CHange and be the best you can be and in no time, when she sees that you are for real, I promise you, her old self will return. I wish I was in your shoes.

 

AMEN!

 

I wish I was in your shoes too. You won the golden ticket we all dream of, a second chance! Be yourself and learn from your previous mistakes. There's a possibility that she won't bounce back, but don't worry about that right now. Just be a caring boyfriend and treat your girlfriend like gold.

 

She still has more power than you, but in time it should level out. When it levels, DO NOT take her for granted. Tattoo it on your wrist. "I will NOT take my girlfriend for granted."

[allaces10]

Reading your story seemed like you were typing my story out. Other than your ages and I dated my girl longer than you, our paths seem like carbon copies of each other. I am 3 months out of the breakup though and there doesnt seem to be a second chance coming for me. I'm happy for you that you are getting one. I know exactly how you feel about being so sorry for some past behavior and looking back thinking..."how could i have acted that way to someone I love." I'd do anything to be able to make things up to her and you sir are about to get the chance to do that very thing. I wouldnt believe her when she says she doesnt love you anymore. She wouldnt be giving you a second chance if she didnt. She just has a lot of hurt and anger that are clouding things for her. Be the perfect bf, the guy you were when you first met, and cut out all the other stuff you already know you did wrong, and little by little, she'll start seeing you that way again. It wont happen overnight as she has been conditioned over a long period of time to expect your outburts, walk on eggshellls around you, etc. So be patient with her, do everything right and she'll certainly come around. Good luck and keep us posted. I'd love to be in your shoes right now.

[harkkam]

You know whats funny this story is exactly the same for me. She was perfect, in my soul I could feel her energy and she was what I wanted most. We did all the things you mentioned, we gave gifts and made drawings and what not. We spent time in the car together and we cuddled and we did things and shared things that were so close and intimate. I was 23 she was 20. We broke up about two months ago.

 

We really enjoyed each other and we really had a sweet relationship. Just like yours.

 

But just like you I took her for granted in fact she gave me about five second chances. Yup FIVE second chances. I broke it off with her a few times because of what she did and I didnt like. But then four times she gave me chances after she broke it off with me.

 

However then I started having a temper JUST like you. Id get mad if she was an hour late. Id get mad if she said something I didn't like.

 

I never yelled though, but what I did was use my words to make her feel bad. Like if she was an hour late Id say "Whats the matter, why cant you be on time" followed with "I guess you dont care now" or when she said about wanting to help her family out in the future if they needed money i said "I would feel so bad if your brothers were bums, I wouldn't want you to give our hard earned money to them" or when she asked me "baby can you please come see me, I really need you today more than I ever have" I let her down by telling her I couldn't, I was just lazy.

 

We talked about marriage too and we talked about our clashing cultures we were from different religions, and I found a way to manipulate her into converting into my religion even though I knew she wasnt happy she said "I will do it for you and your family because I love you and want to marry you."

 

She used to wear clothing that bothered me and were a bit too revealing but instead of keeping that to myself I made her feel really bad and convinced her why proper girls are supposed to be more modest.

 

In reality you should never try and contain a person and let them be who they are. Love them unconditionally what they say dress or think or like for their faults. If they forget to call you or they forget to do something. Love them anyway.

 

We used to take our shoes off and we used to run on the beach at night she would make me chase her. We would fall down and kiss on the empty beach. We would go to gardens and have picknicks and we would just sit in my car and hug each other tightly and kiss and tell each other the day we could move out and enjoy together. We would find snow together and make like a little city and then she would get tired and come step on mine we would fake wrestle and just end up hugging and holding each other.

 

Good times...good times. I miss her so dearly though.

 

She would at times see my shoes untied and say "here let me tie it for you" and id say "stop baby you're embarrassing me" and Id see a sad face on her right after. Or she would say "Come on lets do X" and Id say "No whats wrong with you, you make a fool of yourself by doing that" I could see her hurt emotions.

 

Sometimes we would hang out on our dates and Id be down about school and Id just be quiet and not think about how she had a hard week and she had been waiting the whole week to see me, and that I should just put my worries aside to focus on her. Id be quiet and agitated and irritated at times.

 

-----

 

What Im trying to say man, its a lot more than taking your girlfriend for granted or not.

 

She gave me about 5-6 chances. Thats how many times she broke up with me and took me back. I am actually kind of humored by her patience in me, I really didnt deserve all of those chances.

 

The problem with chances are that you never learn anything about yourself. I got so many chances from her and each time I blew it. Because sometimes you just have to learn the hard way and thats why so may marriages fail. To have a successful marriage you have to change while being IN a relationship which is really hard. Right now we are both changing while being OUT of relationships we can focus on ourselves.

 

Taking people for granted is such a broad and over used term because its really hard not to take them for granted.

 

 

Why? Because there are just SOOO many possible ways to take a person for granted. You can yell at them, put their dreams down, be nasty, let them down etc

 

I told myself MILLIONS of times that this would be the last chance the last time we would break up. That this was the chance that I would make sure lasted and lasted and we got married and never broke up.

 

Sometimes even one more chance is not the golden ticket.

 

What Im trying to say is that this is a deep rooted problem I believe and in fact it takes lots of work to fix and time.

 

If you really love this girl tell her that "You gave me a second chance baby but I dont want to let you down thats why I think it might be best if for two months or so we didnt see each other, I want to go on a journey of self improvement, I want to marry you someday but I need to handle myself first"

 

I wish I had been smart to see the folly in thinking that I was going to turn around and change like a spinning top. It takes time my friend and I know my advice may sound stupid because you have her and dont want to let her go.

 

Keep in contact with her, keep limited contact but work on yourself.

 

I keep telling myself "Just imagine harkkam, had you told her this when she had given you your first chance, instead of your fifth chance and you really just took time to work on yourself"

 

She would still be here in my arms, I wouldnt have pissed her off and worn her patience away.

 

Dont be tempted by the siren song of a second chance.

[spyyder]

Update:

Things seem going good, slow, but good.

 

The 1st and 2nd day after she gave me a second chance she didn't really call me at all, it was always me calling her. We use to talk about an hour or so on average everyday when we were together, we actually talked more and more the longer we were together.

 

The day before yesterday she started calling me . I realized this is because I just stopped calling her, so I guess she started to miss me. Now, for every one time I call she calls about 3-4 times. She's started calling me when she wakes up, goes here and there, etc. I'm starting to think that things are actually going to work out!!!

 

When I was looking through some files on my mac, I stumbled across some of our photos (that I thought I'd lost) of when we renovated my office. I saw one of the pictures, and it was one where she stared directly into the camera lens as if she was looking straight at me, and the actual photo was incredibly sharp . I then burst into tears as I remembered so clearly how she use to be. I then called her, she asked why I was crying and then I said why. I then asked her if she thinks she could ever be the way she was, and she said that to allow her time. I was happy as to me it didn't mean no, it meant yes but in time What do you guys think?

 

Yesterday, we went shopping to get our fathers day gifts (yes, we wait TILL fathers day to get it ). We were at a department store and there was a pair of pretty attractive girls that started checking me out. I didn't think my gf noticed so to avoid her getting uncomfortable (we are in the getting back together phase) I said that I wanted to go to a different store. We did. Then after a minute the hot girls come into the store and one of them said hi to me. She did notice them checking me out and did notice in the previous store as well and that they clearly followed us here. She was very upset/angry (like in our relationship before) which made me very happy as I then knew that she still really wanted me !!!.

 

A lot of people in our area really seem to only be interested in someone already in a relationship, or try breaking up a relationship. We're both fairly attractive (or so I'm told lol) but I have a bit of an aggressive face so guys don't hit on my girl when we're together, but my gf has a very sweet & innocent face so girls occasionally try hitting on me when we're together sometimes right in front of my gf's face. I think this is also going to speed things up.

 

Thanks for all your replies guys. Harkkam thanks, but I won't be taking your advice. I've already got the second chance which is going nowhere but up so taking a break now isn't a great idea. Heck, if I took a break now I don't think I'll get her back after the break and she might be with someone else. I do believe in the 'if you love someone then let them free, if they come back then they're yours forever' saying. But I do think that if they do come back, and you still let them free, then they'll think that you just don't give a fu*k.

 

I decided to see where things will stand at the end of the year. If things are great then I'll stay on, if things are just normal then I'll move on. Oh yeah and my gf likes the BMW

Edited June 21, 2010 by spyyder

[S.Tee]

Just so glad to hear a happy ending. You had your second chance and do not blow it, she is OK now but stilll very sensitive. The thing is you should also change for the better. So far so good, the remaining 5% let it be gone. Maybe get some tips on how to control anger and it s also good for her to know that you are now getting help to improve yourself.

 

She will be touched that you are sacrificing a lot to be with her. Anger management works! Happy for you!

[heavensmesenger]

A second chance???

 

Congratulations now don't **** it up!!!!

 

Oh yeah I hate you hahaha

 

Seriously well done.

[hurt and devastated]

I'm glad to see that things seem to working so far. Reading that gives me a glimmer of hope for my own "golden ticket" someday.

[AlwaysConflicted]

Ah you liked my Willy Wonka reference. I'm trying to forge a golden ticket. I'll let you know how that all turns out.

[spyyder]

Be the one you should have been when she was so nice and loving and caring and perfect. CHange and be the best you can be and in no time, when she sees that you are for real, I promise you, her old self will return. I wish I was in your shoes.

 

I just wanted to tell everyone thanks for the replies. Thanks a bunch Brokenamy as your advice was the best. The idea of being the boyfriend I should have been, so that she changes back to the girl she use to be is really working out. Initially (right before posting the thread) I attempted to try to make her into what she was from day one, and that didn't work. But just being a great boyfriend, realizing what I should have done and controlling my anger to the point that it's almost non-existant now is REALLY working. I can see she's really starting to turn back to the way she was - I don't think I'll have to wait till the end of the year, I reckon she'll be completely back to normal in 2-3 months at this pace