bigsby2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I don't understand it. I'm in a relationship where I give 110% effort yet things are still very noticeably wrong. But my girlfriend will not, for the life of her, tell me what it is. It's frustrating because I'm the one who loves her a lot, and I don't see why she'd have to pressure me to dump her. I feel like crap because I never know where I stand and she'll never communicate anything to me. A 10 month relationship where you still don't know what your girlfriend really thinks of you sucks. So obviously, I'm full of guilt right now. She doesn't leave me any options really other than to dump her when I really don't want to. The past 10 days we've only texted once or twice, we were in an LDR for 6 weeks and she's coming home from that for good in 2 days yet she doesn't want to make plans with me. If you really don't care about someone, why can't you just tell them it? I'd rather be dumped and know I gave 110% with no regrets than to be sitting here in silence all the time while she keeps pushing me and pushing me, then I do it and I'm full of guilt, all my fault sorta thing. This is more of a rant than anything, I guess. Just wondering if anyone has ever dealt with this kind of thing before.
cdubs32 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I have been through this, but slightly different, but similar enough. I don't know her and what she's thinking, but it can be only 1 of 2 things: 1. She isn't really into you, she's faking the relationship just so she can "not be single", she holding on until she finds someone she likes better, or she's thinking of not being together which is why she's separating herself. 2. She does care, but you haven't been much of a challenge for her so she's bored with you and she's taken you for granted. She thinks you'll be there no matter what, so why would she think she needs to spend time with you to keep you? As for what I did: I wan't getting enough time with my girlfriend (went on only 1 date in the last month, she was choosing to hang out with other friends instead of me and wouldn't invite me along, and sex had disappeared). I told her that I needed some time to think to myself and that I didn't want to talk to her for a couple weeks. I said I'd call her in two weeks. During those two weeks I did everything BUT think about her. I went out with friends, I partied, I played sports, just had a ton of FUN. I ended up completely forgetting about her and I didn't even realize that two weeks were up. She finally called me and was like WTF. So I then decided to break it off with her and I told her I felt like she wasn't into me anymore and it was time to move on. She had agreed initially, but a week later she came by crying saying she wished she hadn't let me go. She just took me for granted. I don't know about your case, but maybe take some time away from it and see what happens. Or just be honest with her and tell her you don't think she's into you and if that's the case you'd like to end it and move on.
make me believe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Why are you letting her dictate the entire relationship? 10 months in and you don't know how she feels about you?? I have been with my boyfriend for 10 months and I NEVER have to doubt his feelings for me. She obviously isn't into this relationship if she's only texted you a couple times in the last 10 days and has no interest in making plans to see you after being away for 6 weeks! Why do you feel full of guilt?? Breaking up with her doesn't make you the bad guy. She is the one who is wrong to treat you like this! DUMP HER.
Author bigsby2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Thanks for the replies and nice knowing that people can relate. I think we've had enough time apart from each other to figure out what we wanted out of this, or if we wanted it at all. I do agree with your points cdubs32. I backed off and still knew I wanted things to work with her. But first she wanted to extend her stay from 6 weeks to 9 weeks out of the blue, and now she's coming home and doesn't want to see me. She'd rather get drunk with her girlfriends and not have me there (last time this happened she chased around her ex boyfriend around the club all night). makemebelieve - I heard about her past relationship (she only had one other long-term boyfriend) and apparently her reputation suffered a lot after the guy dumped her. Apparently she looked like the "bad one" in the relationship. She brought this up to me a few times before and started crying and I guess she wants me to break up with her so she can go get pity from everyone and make me look like the "bad one". Hurts my head even thinking about that really but I think she is up to silly games. I don't know. I'm full of guilt because I give her chances to end it and she won't. I care about her a lot. The whole situation doesn't make a bit of sense to me. I have no way of calling her because she's away and has a calling card. After telling me I wasn't in her plans for when she comes home, I texted her and told her that I am tired of guessing, tired of being dead last on her list of priorities, and that until she comes to me on her knees saying she wants to be with me that I consider us done. Her response was "very manly of you breaking up over text". I didn't mean to break up with her over text, I'm trying to put it on her.. trying to get stuff out of her. Anyway she said she doesn't want to discuss it over text and will call me when she can ( in a few days I'm guessing). All she's going to do is try to put it on me. I know if I accuse her of anything over the phone she'll just go ballistic ( happens everytime ) or if I say she's being unreasonable to me. How can I put it on her? how can I keep my pride, and if it comes to it, walk away looking as best as possible? I have a few days to think about what to say
phineas Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I wouldn't bother answering her call if I were you. There is nothing to discuss.
fishtaco Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 She wants to break up with you, then blame you for it. Don't feel guilty, she already checked out of the relationship.
betamanlet Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 as a beta male, I gave 100% effort in relationships, and got dumped each time because she changed her mind.
Author bigsby2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) True, there is nothing to discuss over the phone. The way she's treated me I don't think it even matters if we broke up over text. However way this ends I'm gonna get the blame, and I find it hard not to beat myself up about it. Out of curiosity how does one actually go about becoming an 'alpha male' Edit: Serious answers please, I don't want this thread being hijacked and turned into something like the other one Elmer started. Edited June 18, 2010 by bigsby2010
sagetalk Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 My guess is she is looking for another guy and has found him or is close. As soon as she does, she will stop contacting you. Welcome to dating, sometimes it sucks. My advice, call her and say, "It's not working between you and I, we should just see other people. Thanks for the memories and I hope you find a guy that makes you happy." Hang up and never look back.
sagetalk Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Out of curiosity how does one actually go about becoming an 'alpha male' What I just posted above is what an alpha male would do. Here's your chance to become one.
Author bigsby2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Author Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks for the advice. Sagetalk I really want to do that. I really feel she isn't into this relationship, but she keeps screwing with my head. She got home yesterday, she's texting me today asking me when I'm going to make the drive to see her at her home (45 min away). We're not on good terms, I don't know why she asked that. I told her over text that she hasn't shown she cared about me in quite some time so why would I drive out. She turned it back on me : "you haven't shown either". Well I did up until all I heard from her when she was away was how much she didn't want to come back home. I felt like I'd be a little puppy if I was all "oh can't wait to see you!!" When she's not even looking forward to coming home or seeing me. She keeps making me doubt my decisions by turning it on me. I'm supposed to call her soon and I'm really stressed out about it. Why can't she take any responsibility? Oh, and after she asked me when I was going to go out and see her, she tells me its not a good week cause her family is home and her brothers grad is this week. Shouldn't she be showing me off in front of her family from away? Bottom line is ill keep doubting myself because she keeps thinking she's done nothing wrong
sagetalk Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Thanks for the advice. Sagetalk I really want to do that. I really feel she isn't into this relationship, but she keeps screwing with my head. Exactly, and she will keep screwing with your head. Wait til she starts having sex with another guy and tells you about how great he is at it. Then you're going to have a blast . She's giving you an opportunity to be a man, if you don't take it, you are going to wish you had. Girls who are into you and good for you don't do stupid crap like this. Being blamed for everything your whole life is a chumps game, save yourself now before it's too late.
Author bigsby2010 Posted June 21, 2010 Author Posted June 21, 2010 thanks sagetalk, your advice is good and I've read a lot of your posts in other threads too. I gotta stop letting her beat me around. I don't know what it is keeping me in this. I think the fact that we live in a small town makes this so much harder, I know I'll be seeing her lots again
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