maradon Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Hi all. I found this site via google & have been reading numerous posts since. It's all been very helpful, so thank you. Thing is, my situation feels pretty unique. My fiance & I "broke up" a few days ago. He moved all his stuff out 2 days ago & yesterday was our first day of NC. Rewind. In living together, we have become incredibly dependent on each other. We live in a town that I moved to just for him, so I don't have any of my own friends. So, when he had the opportunity to hang out with his, he'd stay with me because he thought I'd be lonely so of course I never had the opportunity or desire to go out & meet people. He is amazing & I know he would do anything for me. He is 21 & I'm 25, well into my career, so I think he started seeing me as too good for him; eventually he tried so hard to just not disappoint me so he'd do what he thought I wanted, reluctantly, but I could see that fun loving spirit he used to have fading away as he is dedicating his life to making ME happy, not himself. When we'd argue, it was usually random & he's spill all these things I've said to hurt him in the past month or whatever - but he never tells me at the time, so I never know I'm doing something wrong. Again, he's so scared to lose me, he won't be himself or speak his mind, afraid it'd rub me the wrong way & I'd leave him or something - although I want him to have the balls to call me out! It gets boring being in a relationship with someone who is obsessed with you but isn't contributing to your growth. But I know it's there because that's who I fell in love with, & the majority of the time we get along swimmingly & are a very loving, affectionate couple. He's just a silly, witty, energetic guy who inspired me & still has the potential to if he'd just have love & respect for himself, independent of anyone or anything. Now the kicker. When we get into arguments, it usually takes a drastic turn. This last time was one of the worse. I said something I shouldn't have one morning unintentionally, but he didn't communicate that it hurt him. Instead he turned to the bottle. When I got home from work, he immediately instigated an argument, I apologized over & over, but he couldn't let it go, so I got annoyed & said Leave me alone! & consequently he began ramming his head into the table, the wall, & eventually even smashed it with a door, meanwhile I'm hysterical & scared - he'd see I was scared of him & do it more - it's his coping mechanism. This isn't the first time he's hurt himself like that, once he even threatened suicide if I left him. It is terrifying & makes me feel so helpless. The next day, I knew we had to make some changes. I was so scared I'd wake up the next morning & he'd be dead. So this is where we are now. We know we still are deeply in love with each other, I mean we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. So we decided to take a few months off, but are still calling it a break up. Basically this is to find ourselves again & hopefully get back together once we realize who we are on our own so we can start fresh. He has a lot of dependency, self-injury & possibly even substance abuse problems (not an alcoholic, but does drink when he has a bad day). But to me those are things that can be fixed, I know I'll never meet anyone as compatible as he is to me. Am I wrong to hope that he'll find himself & we can live happily ever after as planned? I'm scared that he'll do things to better himself during this period but only to make me happy. Not for himself & that's the whole point. I wish I could help him but I know I'm just exacerbating the whole thing so I'm trying to stay away, but knowing him, he's thinking I'll never love him again, etc. etc. & It's so hard for me too because I come home to nothing or nobody in this town. I'm just stuck home alone every night wallowing in misery. But I still think I'm taking it better than he is. When he moved out 2 days ago, it was hard for us. We laid in bed for 5 minutes just holding each other tight & crying because we know the feelings are there, but we HAVE to do this. We did decide though, that anything that comes out of this would be positive. Either we live happily ever after, or if we realize we're better off, we still can see us being best friends. Since I haven't really told anyone about this - does anyone have any advice? I know I need to work on finding my old self again too of course. Any thoughts? I really do appreciate it in advance. -Amy
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) You need to end it once and for all. It doesn't sound like you are emotionally compatible. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I was 17, he was 25. I was more mature than he was. He was an alcoholic, a weed smoker, and had depression. What a great mix. He also threatened suicide if I left him. I felt trapped, used, and my innocent fun loving spirit was getting crushed by the day. I would be in tears because I didn't know what to do. I left him LONG after I should have, and never looked back. Never thought about him either. He hurt me so much I honestly didn't care if he did kill himself anymore. It was that bad. Understand that NOTHING about your relationship is healthy, if he's emotionally blackmailing you like that. You HAVE to leave. Don't ever think that these people change. They don't. It's like they fall in love with their misery. They love it more than they love you. I know it's not the answer you want to hear, but you need to find someone more compatible with you on every level. The thing about me is, I don't compromise my hopes, dreams, happiness or career for ANYONE. Take me as I am, or watch me as I leave. You need to do the same. Best of luck Edited June 18, 2010 by LoveTruthChaos
Author maradon Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 After reading your response, & skimming what I said earlier, I feel like an idiot. You're right. I have a tendency to want to help people & I think I pinpointed why I'm taking this so hard - because I'm worried about him, I want to help him better himself - I just wish I could call & make sure he's okay because I care. I'm a very hard person to get to know (scorpio!), so it's hard letting go of the one person who understands me & knows every facial expression, etc. But... in retrospect I *have* compromised some pretty major components that fundamentally define who I am. "It's like they fall in love with their misery. They love it more than they love you." Seriously! Any time we argued & that stuff happened, it was because he was paranoid about me leaving him. Even after I assured him day after day he was the one - hello, I had his ring on my finger! But it's like he convinced himself I couldn't love him, & wouldn't dare be swayed when I said I did - so what else could I do?! Hello wits' end. It's only my 2nd day of NC so i'm still in the mode of good memories, ya know? But now I definitely feel more lucid. Thank you for the well-needed objective perspective.
LoveTruthChaos Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I have a tendency to want to help people & I think I pinpointed why I'm taking this so hard - because I'm worried about him, I want to help him better himself - I just wish I could call & make sure he's okay because I care. Oh WOW - I think we might be the same person LOL That's exactly how I felt about this ex of mine. But when I was in tears wanting to end it not knowing which way to turn, my friends and family all told me that this was no longer about him. The fact is, I was unhappy, and I had to think only of myself. Little compassionate me struggled with that, but I did it, and it was the best decision. HUGE bullet dodged there! I know what you mean. day 2 of NC. Keep it up, don't break it. I'm in week 9 of NC with my most recent ex, and today I have been particularly plagued by wonderful memories we shared, mainly because it's the one year anniversary of sharing them with him. He hurt me so much when he left me that it's so easy to focus on hating him, but days like today really throw me off my feet You'll be okay. We both will
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