Sari Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I guess the title says it all. Been broken up for nearly 6 weeks, and for a part of that I was so sure he was coming back. I never dared to say it aloud but I know now that I was holding on to hope where there was none. I sent him a couple of upset emails and he replied straight away with a huge trail of breadcrumbs about how much he missed me and was regretting his decision. He asked me if I wanted him to come to counselling with me in the last one. I replied a few days later saying that it had to be his decision, and he had to work out whether or not he saw anything worth trying for between us. I told him that I'm here if he wants to talk. I told him I loved him. No reply, for nearly four days now. I think it's finally hitting me that he's not coming back. I just can't believe it. We have been through so much together. I know things weren't perfect, but we rarely fought and still had so much love between us. He was the first to say it in his email "I know that we had a relationship so full of love, it didn't go wrong or peter out". Having him say that is almost worse than him not giving a sh*t anymore, it's such a waste. I am mourning our lovely future together that we have been talking about for nearly 5 years, our house, our children. And all because he just refuses to grow up and commit. I know he likes someone else, but I feel this is such a red herring, he admits that no one can replace me. Our sex life has not been up to scratch for a few years now (for a personal reason amongst other things) and we got to the point where we were both feeling bad about ourselves in that sense, but we still had some lovely intimate moments that I cherished, right up until the end. I just can't believe I'm not going to see his lovely face again, or get another cuddle from him. He's my best friend. I can't hate him for this, I did the same to him last year, I panicked, I was confused. I know what he is going through. But I cannot trust him to see what I saw, a beautiful, quite special bond between us that is hard to find elsewhere. So I came back. I know that he is more bothered about the sex issue than I am and sees it as an insurmountable problem. I know it is not. I cannot tell him this without resorting to begging and pleading, I know. You cannot tell someone something they have little interest in hearing or do not believe. I am in so much pain all the time, when it hits me that he is not coming back I cry out like an animal in pain. My days are so grey. There seem to be no ups or downs, I feel like a ghost. People keep telling me to have a nice evening or weekend, and it takes everything I have not to collapse in a heap, I have nothing now. I had everything I wanted, I was finally ready for marriage and kids after years of confusion and panic. I can't bear the thought of another man touching me. I feel broken.
Zansatsu Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 (edited) I am in so much pain all the time, when it hits me that he is not coming back I cry out like an animal in pain. My days are so grey. There seem to be no ups or downs, I feel like a ghost. People keep telling me to have a nice evening or weekend, and it takes everything I have not to collapse in a heap, I have nothing now. I had everything I wanted, I was finally ready for marriage and kids after years of confusion and panic. I can't bear the thought of another man touching me. I feel broken. It sounds like you are suffering horribly and I can't know exactly what you are going through, I'm not you. But I have felt something similar and when your heart feels like it's been cut out, you walk around a shell of who you once were. In a way, you will never be the same, but you are still you. Here is not-so-much the story, but the feeling from the story. When I was younger, decorating the Christmas tree, I once broke an ornament. What surprised me is how, as it hit the floor, it shattered into pieces so small it was almost impossible to believe that only a second before, it was whole. This didn't matter to me until years later when I had my heart broken. The only way I could describe my heart was a pulverized pile of glass powder. Dry, sharp, jagged. No warmth or color. Dead, like a grave. Impossible to make into anything that didn't burn me alive. I couldn't understand how she could just leave me when I loved her with all that I was. I died when she broke my heart, and in some way, the woman I loved died too. I was mourning the death of my heart and the death of my love. She was alive and well, but not the person I loved. If that makes any sense. I spent 2.5 years getting over her. 2.5 years of hell. It sucked. I wound up becoming a really insensitive prick because I felt so hollow. I spent my time for the next year after the breakup, dwelling on my misery. When I finally got the courage, I opened up to a close friend of mine and found some comfort in that, but when I was alone, I was tortured once again. I eventually saw a therapist and a psychiatrist, and it got better as my life progressed. In retrospect, I wish I had found help sooner and opened up about it. Maybe I just wasn't ready to open up to anyone. I'm still working on trust issues from it, but I think I'm ready to love again. My first little bit of suggestion to you is that you seek help when you are ready. Find your local Clergyman, Therapist, or best friend and let out the misery. You will heal. As impossible as that is to believe, you will. But you have to make a decision to let it go just enough to allow yourself to move forward. Edited June 18, 2010 by Zansatsu
Author Sari Posted June 18, 2010 Author Posted June 18, 2010 Thank you for your kind words and advice. I started therapy almost immediately after the break-up, I am prone to depression anyway so I knew that I needed some professional help fast. She's very good, but I just keep thinking what's the point? He's gone, and there's nothing some lady I pay £50 an hour to listen to me sob can do about it. I just can't believe he could do this to me. I just wish I could turn my brain off. I don't want to die, I won't let it come to that, but I don't want to be alive. I can't bear the thought of some other girl having the future I have hoped and dreamed of for so long, that I thought was a definite. Talking kids names that very morning for godssakes. I want to be angry with him but all I feel is love and despair. Another weekend of this now - so hard to cope.
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