gurlielost Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 so i've noticed my husband has talked and added several ex to his FB account. we talked about it and said we wouldn't 'talk behind each others back' this was about a year ago we had that talk. (i can see his acct but he doesn't know i can) well i got on this morning to read some posts and see what was going on with his side of the world of friends just because i was bored at work, bad for me to do this but i have had a bad feeling for some reason lately. i look in the msg center and there's several msgs between a girl (not sure if he has actually 'been' with her but they were an item, they were great friends and then his best friend dated her) and him talking about her babies and wanting to meet up sometime. he knows i cant' leave work for lunch and he told her he would 'love to meet for lunch sometime' WTF. she has asked about our marriage in one of the last msgs and he said 'marriage is different!!! enough about that!!!" what does that mean???? the last msg was her giving him her number and saying 'call me anytime or better yet text me' WTFFFFFFF so now i don't know where this will go. he has chatted with females before we were married, before we were even engaged, we had a long discussion and he didn't anymore. i'm very insecure, i know that. but this is a bit much don't you think?? now what? do i just sit and worry? do i say something? oH and in her msgs she said she wanted to meet me and wants me to meet her kids too. he never once mentions me really. is this a bad sign? we just had a GREAT dinner out last night, planning a vacation for me and him for a couple days. and now this? is this really cheating?? i don't know if he'll tell me if he does meet up with her. if they do text that is bad to me, how will i ever know. i shouldn't have to go through his phone.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Don't blame FaceBook if your husband is a douchebag. Blame your husband, if your husband is a douchebag. And no, you're right, You shouldn't have gone though his 'phone. That's opened up a whole can of worms, hasn't it?
Author gurlielost Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 i never went through his phone, just saw his FB page/msgs. now that he has her number will fb msgs stop. will they meet? i don't know...do i wait and see? do i ask him about it? ignore it as they are catching up and if he does meet up with her without inviting or telling me then that's terms for a discussion?? ugh. i don't want to rock the boat, we have been doing so great lately and no fights or anything. but now he says 'marriage is different!!! enough of that!!' WTF?
2sure Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 . i'm very insecure, i know that. You are feeling insecure because your H is HIDING friendships with OW from you. Planning meetings behind your back. Women he has dated in the past. This is not you being insecure. This is you KNOWING that your marriage is not secure, that your H is betraying you. Do NOT blame this on yourself.
Lipsy10 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Facebook doesn't break up relationships, people do. You must be insecure for a reason. Has your husband cheated on you before?? Why is he in contact with so many exs? Have you told him this bothers you? I would confront him about these flirty messages and don't let him turn it around on you. You probably shouldnt have gone on his account but if he has nothing to hide it shouldn't be an issue. Im sure everyone has had a nosey on there partners facebook/phone at some point.
Author gurlielost Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 i am not going to say anything yet...it's not like anything was set up, it might have been a friendly thing to say. not sure, don't want to jump the gun now that i've calmed down this morning. he has never cheated on me, before we were married he did chat with a girl he met on a business trip...i saw it and he stopped since he saw how much it hurt me. she lived across country so i know he wasn't seeing her. but since we've been married for 2.5 yrs, been together over 5 years. have had fights but who doesn't? lately marriage has been great, communicating and dinners and sweet talks. i need to put my trust in him, i sometimes forget that (i'm very insecure with myself lately due to body issues aka weight gain) he is the same way as we have both put on weight since the wedding. ugh. everyone has snooped one time or another on their SO's phone or FB or email...i don't know anyone that hasn't.
What_Next Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You have a few choices. Let it continue and monitor the activity yourself. See how far it goes. You need to learn to do it quietly and keep your emotions in check though. Personally I would NOT suggest this route. Confront him now. Talk about it openly and honestly. See where that goes. Ignore it and move on. I know you've already posted that you are going to let it go, but honestly I am not sure that is wise. I'd be tempted to talk to him about it (rather than confront, talk) and then make some long term decisions. I know it might sound insane but perhaps go to see a MC, just to talk; you'd be surprised how it could help. Oh and FB is a scourge on society, I have read so many posts here on LS about FB and it's associated issues. A slice of advice, get rid of it, go outside, feed a bird, go on a hike, go for a bike ride. Eliminate it.
califnan Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 MM should not plan lunch, go to lunch with other women unless it is strictly business.. FB could be a sample of what is going on on his other personal email/messages.. You have every Right to Expect a closed marriage.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Blame the person, not the tool. What if the person IS the tool.....?
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Do you not see irony in the fact that while you made your husband promise not to decieve you, you are secretly spying on him? I think you're a hypocrit.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (i before e except after c. 'e' at the end of 'hypocrite'. My proof-reading exam is on saturday.....
quankanne Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 My proof-reading exam is on saturday.... :D:D ah, one of the hazards of the job, honing in on misspellings! I guess we should be grateful no one can edit using a red pen, or these pages would really bleed ... OP, here's my take on your situation: He sounds like he's interested in renewing contact for whatever reason, and because she's made it a point to ask to meet YOU, she's being more on the up and up than he is!
xxoo Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 everyone has snooped one time or another on their SO's phone or FB or email...i don't know anyone that hasn't. Strongly disagree. Now, I've been married since before we had FB or even having a PC at home, lol, but no--I don't consider even occasional snooping normal. Something is "off" in the marriage, and it isn't about this one person on FB. First, you have to accept that snooping is not normal or healthy. If you feel unable to give your H that much trust, be honest about it: "Hon, I'm feeling really insecure right now because of [my weight, or whatever it is], and I noticed you have these exes as friends on FB. I'm not comfortable with that because ________. It would make me feel better if I could see your communications and know what is going on between you." Open up a conversation about these women. His FB friendship with them bothers you, and it doesn't do any good to tell us about it. You have to tell him. But use a lot of "I" statements, talking about your feelings--not making accusation of him
What_Next Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 xxoo has given you VERY wise advice, take it. Trust me (how ironic for me to use this phrase) my marriage has had virtually no trust on either side for years and it is one of the factors that is likely leading my wife and I to divorce. We are so close it is frightening. Trust is so hard to rebuild once it erodes and it is the cause of so many unhappy endings. Talk about this openly and honestly and if you are afraid to do it for fear of his reaction then suggest MC. You may think this incident is of little consequence now, but it is NOT. Deal with it and your marriage will be stronger for it.
Author gurlielost Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 thanks for all of the advice!! for right now i'm going to leave it. if there is more contact then i will let him know how i feel and talk about it. but i need to trust him and have him trust me too (i shouldn't be snooping, i know). this is a test for myself...also could be for our marriage if for some reason he is indeed trying to get back into communication with her. time will tell....and i'm going to trust him, i have to do this for me.
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 everyone has snooped one time or another on their SO's phone or FB or email...i don't know anyone that hasn't. I am sure that is true, but that doesn't make it right. Unfortunately, too many people nowadays--and young people especially--have no respect for, or even clear concept of, what privacy means or why it is important. They could care less about privacy, theirs or anyone else's. They thinking nothing of snooping and spying on their friends, and expect their friends to do the same. My generation (I am 40) wasn't like that. But then again, we didn't grow up with random drug tests and random locker searches in schools. We didn't have to pee in a cup just to get a s___y, low-wage job at some crummy big-box store. We were brought up as citizens, and taught to respect other people's boundries. Nowadays, kids are being brought up as inmates, as criminal suspects, and respect nothing. It isn't even really their fault. But it sure is sad.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You can leave it...but the fact of the matter is...is shes already gave him her phone number! Which now means...they do NOT need facebook to interact with wach other anymore. Now they can really get sneaky...open secret email accounts..and start something. I would not be so trusting with your husband..as if there was really nothing to hide..then he wouldnt be hiding it in the first place! He would be straight up with you and say..hey i found so and so on facebook..and I'm taking her out to lunch!
xxoo Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 thanks for all of the advice!! for right now i'm going to leave it. if there is more contact then i will let him know how i feel and talk about it. but i need to trust him and have him trust me too (i shouldn't be snooping, i know). this is a test for myself...also could be for our marriage if for some reason he is indeed trying to get back into communication with her. time will tell....and i'm going to trust him, i have to do this for me. I agree that it is a bit of a test, but I always think the "right" answer is open and honest communication. I think if you push it under the carpet, or keep being tempted to snoop looking for more contact, that is "failing" the test (not failing the marriage, but the little test).
lkjh Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 ADF, you really need to learn the definition of hypocrite. If the op came on here saying she is mad that her H is friends with ex's on fb and she was mad about that even though she was friends with ex's then she would be a hypocrite. Her snooping is not the same as carrying on "friendships" with ex's You cant apply a word to a scenario that doesn't fit
george44 Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 First, you have to accept that snooping is not normal or healthy. If you feel unable to give your H that much trust, be honest about it: "Hon, I'm feeling really insecure right now because of [my weight, or whatever it is], and I noticed you have these exes as friends on FB. I'm not comfortable with that because ________. It would make me feel better if I could see your communications and know what is going on between you." This isn't necessarily a bad idea. It may work if there's nothing going on. However if there is anything going on it will make your H go underground and you'll never find out. Whatever he's doing he will make every effort to hide it from you. If you suspect something is going on you have two choices: 1. Bury your head in the sand and ignore it. It will bother you from now on because you will wonder what is going on, but you'll never know. At least not until the divorce papers come. 2. Snoop and try to find out as much as you can. At least that way you are informed and you can make informed decisions. I believe Option #2 is the best option.
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