My brother and his affair.

[Leia]

So, my brother has been having an affair.

 

Apparently, he ended it last year. The woman got upset and scratched/punched him. My sister-in-law and brother filed a police report against her and that was the end of that. Or so we thought.

 

In February, the woman sent several text messages trying to get a reaction from my brother. 2 times she sent them, my brother was out with his best friend and best friend told him NOT to reply to which he obliged and deleted the messages. The third time she sent text messages to him, he was alone so he replied!

 

According to him [this is what he told me], he had a plan to shoot her down again cos he was hurt that she tried to hurt his family and almost ruined his marriage. He said he planned to reel her in and drop her like a hot potato when the time is right.

 

Long story short, my sister-in-law found out and they had a huge argument/fight and the next day, she filed for divorce. This happened in the last 2 days [the arguments/filing for divorce].

 

It's effecting me in many ways. I also feel like he betrayed me. He didn't even call his kids last night to check up on them after he left. My niece came to me crying. My sister-in-law has no one else to turn to so she came to me crying as well. I feel for her cos I have been cheated on before and it hurts like hell.

 

I'm so angry at my brother right now. I was always behind him, supporting him and he couldn't keep his d**k to himself!

 

I have lost respect for him and yet, I feel bad for that. My parents are so disappointed in him right now. My older sister called him names [yes, this isn't his first affair] and my youngest sister, well she doesn't know anything since she's only in primary school.

 

It may not be my problem to deal with but like I said, it's effecting me.

[JustJoe]

This kind of thing affects the whole family, Leia, not just the wife and kids. You have a right to your opinion, even if your Bro doesn't like it.

[Leia]

Thanks, Joe.

 

Fine, if he doesn't want to talk to my sister-in-law but come on, at least give the kids a call!

[JustJoe]

I agree, but it always seems to be the kids that suffer. Sorry to say, your Bro doesn't sound too mature.

[Leia]

He didn't just betray his promises to her, but to all of his friends and family, to remain faithful. I can totally understand why you'd feel betrayed too.

 

I'm not sure I believe the whole, "I wanted to lure her in and then drop her" excuse.

 

Did the OW know that he was married originally? Does he really blame HER for ruining his marriage?

 

Thanks, Star.

 

From what my sister-in-law told me about the text messages [she read them], I don't believe it either. The first text she sent recently was about how horny she was and that she wanted him there and then. Then my sister-in-law read his reply that he missed her and how good of a f*** she was. Then there were other messages.

 

She knew he was married. My brother was found guilty telling other women that he is unhappily married. I should know that they were until the moment my sister-in-law found out about his affair [the first out of many]. Most of his affairs, she found out through Facebook. She sent PMs to those women who were flirting openly on his wall.

 

Sadly, I think in some ways he does blame the other woman but now, it seems that he blames my sister-in-law as well

[TaraMaiden]

Well he would do, wouldn't he?

I mean, it's never his fault.....

 

Be as supportive as you can be to your family.

be as strong as you can be, and come here for your own morl support. We'll help in any way we can, but your Brother?

by his own actions, he has ostracised himself and made himself an outsider.

 

He's chosen his actions.

Do nothing borne out of Anger, resentment, spite, hate or revenge (This goes for your SiL too....) That's when all reason and logic fly out the window.

 

But he must reap the consequences.

[Leia]

Well he would do, wouldn't he?

I mean, it's never his fault.....

 

Be as supportive as you can be to your family.

be as strong as you can be, and come here for your own morl support. We'll help in any way we can, but your Brother?

by his own actions, he has ostracised himself and made himself an outsider.

 

He's chosen his actions.

Do nothing borne out of Anger, resentment, spite, hate or revenge (This goes for your SiL too....) That's when all reason and logic fly out the window.

 

But he must reap the consequences.

 

Thanks TaraMaiden.

 

My brother and I have been texting one another since an hour or so ago. I knew my sister-in-law filed the divorce on her own this morning [to submit the rest of the forms]. From what she told me, he wasn't there/didn't bother to be there.

 

But my brother said she went ahead without telling him and that he wanted to be there. I'm confused now.

 

On top of all this, my brother and sister-in-law have not really told my parents about this. They heard it from my sister and asked me about it. I couldn't lie so I told them what I know.

 

Before this woman, he was with about 3 or 4 women. Maybe at the same time ~ am not sure but my sister-in-law found out about this woman cos she wrote to her via Facebook. That woman's [i want to call her something else but I think woman is enough for LS] friend also added my sister-in-law on Facebook. That friend of hers proceeded to post photos of that woman and my brother on his Facebook and TAG my sister-in-law. My sister saw the photos as she was on her Facebook at the time and told my sister-in-law and brother. That was early this year.

 

A lot of other things happened but my brother [after my sister-in-law told him 3 times on different occasions to leave the house] begged my sister-in-law to give him a chance [after so many times] and cos she really loves him, she gave him another chance. Now, she has had enough.

 

There was this one time he said he was out with his friends and he left his kids at their friend's house, he was actually in Phuket. Wtf. My sister-in-law, at the time was out of the country on a business trip. Not only did he lie to her, he lied to me too! I asked him numerous times where he was [cos my sister-in-law went crazy looking for their kids] and he kept telling me he just out. I asked if he was in Phuket, he said no. Then the credit card bills came and there it was ~ Phuket all over them!

[TaraMaiden]

phuket would be right......

 

I think you need to tell him that right now, you have no respect for him, and are angry that he has done everything he has done, and that he gets no sympathy from you.

he has to step up to the plate and take full responsibility for all his screwed-up decisions, and reap the consequences.

if your SiL is divorcing him now, it's no more than he deserves.

If he's coming to you for support and help, he's in the wrong place.

You'll always love him, but right now?

You don't like him at all.

[Rabican]

He didn't just betray his promises to her, but to all of his friends and family, to remain faithful. I can totally understand why you'd feel betrayed too.

 

Sorry but this is total BULLSH*T! This entire situation is between the brother, his wife and their kids. It has nothing to do with the OP. It is called boundaries. The brother and the wife have some things to sort out and that has nothing to do with the OP. The last thing the OP should do now is add to this disaster with her own angst.

 

The niece came to the OP because the niece needed her support and guidance because hopefully the OP is a positive role model and confidant. If things go correctly the niece should do that a thousand more times in her life for variety of monumental and trivial issues. The OP’ role in all those situations is to provide support and guidance and not to internalize the issue and drag her emotional baggage into the situation. That helps no one. The wife too came to the OP for similar reasons.

 

The OP needs to support her extended family, learn how to be there for them and don’t internalize or insert herself in their problems. Everyone’s relationship is their own, how they act in that relationship is ultimately their responsibility and under their control.

 

Listen to me OP! When people start to drown in their own misery will pull anyone and anything down with them that they can latch on to. If you aren’t careful you will find yourself an emotional scapegoat for the situation and find yourself with no worthwhile contact with any of them.

[sally4sara]

When two people stand up in front of their friends and family to take vows, part of the ceremony and the reason for inviting them is that they are witnesses and collectively show intent to help the couple keep their vows. That their interactions with the couple are in support of the couple's union.

 

To families that understand and care, they too get betrayed when one of the two break their vow and create a mess. They are the ones that console the hurt spouse and help them resettle their life if the marriage ends. So yeah, it affects everyone who cared about the couple and their marriage.

[bentnotbroken]

Sorry but this is total BULLSH*T! This entire situation is between the brother, his wife and their kids. It has nothing to do with the OP. It is called boundaries. The brother and the wife have some things to sort out and that has nothing to do with the OP. The last thing the OP should do now is add to this disaster with her own angst.

 

The niece came to the OP because the niece needed her support and guidance because hopefully the OP is a positive role model and confidant. If things go correctly the niece should do that a thousand more times in her life for variety of monumental and trivial issues. The OP’ role in all those situations is to provide support and guidance and not to internalize the issue and drag her emotional baggage into the situation. That helps no one. The wife too came to the OP for similar reasons.

 

The OP needs to support her extended family, learn how to be there for them and don’t internalize or insert herself in their problems. Everyone’s relationship is their own, how they act in that relationship is ultimately their responsibility and under their control.

 

Listen to me OP! When people start to drown in their own misery will pull anyone and anything down with them that they can latch on to. If you aren’t careful you will find yourself an emotional scapegoat for the situation and find yourself with no worthwhile contact with any of them.

 

 

No, your post is the bull of which you speak. A husband and wife don't live their lives in a vacuum. They enjoy the support, encouragement and prayers from their family and friends. When they married, they shared that with family and friends. When they had children they shared that with family and friends. When they moved into their first home, they shared that with family and friends. When they had to deal with trauma and death, they shared that with family and friends. They laughed with these people, cried with these people and the relationship is reciprocal.

 

They didn't just invite people in to share their lives, others invited them to share as well. If we only lived life in a vacuum then our actions should have no consequence for the greater good. A family is a unit. What happens good happens to the entire unit. What happens bad, happens to the entire unit. The OP has every right to feel pissed and disappointed because every time the brother screws up, it screw up the family unit and causes everyone involved in that unit pain.

 

If the nuclear family was as autonomous as you would like to believe then, the brother should be allowed to continue to emotionally abuse his wife and children(as has been stated he has cheated before). Would you say the same if it were physical abuse?

 

I dare say no family can exist without(at least healthily exist) without the support fo family and friend network.

[TaraMaiden]

Sorry Rabican, I have to disagree with you too.

 

good and valid points made.

[Leia]

Sorry but this is total BULLSH*T! This entire situation is between the brother, his wife and their kids. It has nothing to do with the OP. It is called boundaries. The brother and the wife have some things to sort out and that has nothing to do with the OP. The last thing the OP should do now is add to this disaster with her own angst.

 

Your post is a load of crap. It has something to do with me and my family. My own angst? I am angry but I don't go around telling my brother that, instead I come here to vent. So what's your problem?

 

The niece came to the OP because the niece needed her support and guidance because hopefully the OP is a positive role model and confidant. If things go correctly the niece should do that a thousand more times in her life for variety of monumental and trivial issues. The OP’ role in all those situations is to provide support and guidance and not to internalize the issue and drag her emotional baggage into the situation. That helps no one. The wife too came to the OP for similar reasons.

Please. All I have ever given to my nieces/nephews are support and guidance. I don't go telling them their father is an ********* for hurting his wife and kids.

 

The OP needs to support her extended family, learn how to be there for them and don’t internalize or insert herself in their problems. Everyone’s relationship is their own, how they act in that relationship is ultimately their responsibility and under their control.

Dude, you're repeating stuff.

 

Listen to me OP! When people start to drown in their own misery will pull anyone and anything down with them that they can latch on to. If you aren’t careful you will find yourself an emotional scapegoat for the situation and find yourself with no worthwhile contact with any of them.

Errmmm ... no, thanks. I'd rather listen to other posters who have known me for quite sometime rather someone who is ... new.

 

Goodlord, I didn't know venting would make me an emotional scapegoat

[Leia]

phuket would be right......

 

I think you need to tell him that right now, you have no respect for him, and are angry that he has done everything he has done, and that he gets no sympathy from you.

he has to step up to the plate and take full responsibility for all his screwed-up decisions, and reap the consequences.

if your SiL is divorcing him now, it's no more than he deserves.

If he's coming to you for support and help, he's in the wrong place.

You'll always love him, but right now?

You don't like him at all.

 

He called me to talk. He asked how my sister-in-law is doing, I told him the best is to call her himself. The hearing will be next month ~ sadly a few days after his eldest daughter's birthday and a couple of weeks before my sister-in-law's birthday

 

Both my sister and I made it clear to him that we still love him but at the moment, we can't support him as he has really hurt his family. It hurts seeing my sister-in-law cry now and then. I'm sleeping over for the next few days as my nieces/nephew asked me to keep them company.

 

Leia,

What's your brother doing to work on his serial cheater issues? He doesn't seem sorry he cheated, just sorry he got caught. I think he needs to accept responsibility for his actions before the family can work on forgiving him.

 

You know, Joe ~ I don't think he knows he has a problem! He keeps saying his has his own ways of f**king things up I agree with you, he's just sorry he got caught.

 

The day he moved out, he was out catching a movie with a bunch of girls and his best friend [who is a divorcee]. My sister deleted his best friend from Facebook cos he tagged the photos and he didn't seem troubled nor sad. Talk about being disrespectful

[Leia]

When two people stand up in front of their friends and family to take vows, part of the ceremony and the reason for inviting them is that they are witnesses and collectively show intent to help the couple keep their vows. That their interactions with the couple are in support of the couple's union.

 

To families that understand and care, they too get betrayed when one of the two break their vow and create a mess. They are the ones that console the hurt spouse and help them resettle their life if the marriage ends. So yeah, it affects everyone who cared about the couple and their marriage.

 

Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from, sally4sara. I couldn't agree more with your post.

[Leia]

No, your post is the bull of which you speak. A husband and wife don't live their lives in a vacuum. They enjoy the support, encouragement and prayers from their family and friends. When they married, they shared that with family and friends. When they had children they shared that with family and friends. When they moved into their first home, they shared that with family and friends. When they had to deal with trauma and death, they shared that with family and friends. They laughed with these people, cried with these people and the relationship is reciprocal.

 

They didn't just invite people in to share their lives, others invited them to share as well. If we only lived life in a vacuum then our actions should have no consequence for the greater good. A family is a unit. What happens good happens to the entire unit. What happens bad, happens to the entire unit. The OP has every right to feel pissed and disappointed because every time the brother screws up, it screw up the family unit and causes everyone involved in that unit pain.

 

If the nuclear family was as autonomous as you would like to believe then, the brother should be allowed to continue to emotionally abuse his wife and children(as has been stated he has cheated before). Would you say the same if it were physical abuse?

 

I dare say no family can exist without(at least healthily exist) without the support fo family and friend network.

 

Thank you, bentnotbroken. I must say that my family and I despite our differences, we are very close and have a healthy relationship within the family.

 

I'm sure those who have the same relationship with their family understand my situation and how I am giving my family the support that they need.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Being a BS and having my sister in law on the DDay itself was a tremendous help to me. She helped me discover the OW and even wanted to go with me to kick her ass...lol Either way I was better than that. SHe was and still continues to be very supportive and even though the A has stopped..she's probably the only one who understands me and has given me the best advise...as she went through all this with her ExHusband. She has had a weird relationship with her brother my S ever since..and although its her own brother..I know she's got my back! Mind you I've always had her back with all the stuff she went through in her hardships as well.

 

All you can do is be there for you SIL and your nieces and nephews. Your brother has decided (in his affair fog) that his wife isnt good enough to fight for at this point. He will kick himself later on...but it seems its too late and I applaud your SIL for not being a doormat to his serial cheating ways. She needs support from anyone at this point..even if its the @ssholes own sister!

 

Kepp being there for them. He made his bed....

[Leia]

Being a BS and having my sister in law on the DDay itself was a tremendous help to me. She helped me discover the OW and even wanted to go with me to kick her ass...lol Either way I was better than that. SHe was and still continues to be very supportive and even though the A has stopped..she's probably the only one who understands me and has given me the best advise...as she went through all this with her ExHusband. She has had a weird relationship with her brother my S ever since..and although its her own brother..I know she's got my back! Mind you I've always had her back with all the stuff she went through in her hardships as well.

 

All you can do is be there for you SIL and your nieces and nephews. Your brother has decided (in his affair fog) that his wife isnt good enough to fight for at this point. He will kick himself later on...but it seems its too late and I applaud your SIL for not being a doormat to his serial cheating ways. She needs support from anyone at this point..even if its the @ssholes own sister!

 

Kepp being there for them. He made his bed....

 

Thanks PortuguesePrincess80.

 

I am here for her. I want to here for her. She's not ready to tell her side of the family. I am so sad for her cos she says that she feels like a failure and the last thing she wants is to disappoint her siblings [her parents have passed away]. Another reason is cos her youngest brother is very protective of her and God knows what he'd do to my brother, she said. Despite what he did, she said she still loves him but she can no longer put up with his behavior.

[Corporate]

Your brother (I would be ashamed too to have such sibling) acts like a single guy. I think your sister in law made the right decision to divorce him before she gets some STDs or HIV.

 

He hang out with friends and going to movies with girls? Doesn't he know that he is married with a wife and kids?

[Leia]

Your brother (I would be ashamed too to have such sibling) acts like a single guy. I think your sister in law made the right decision to divorce him before she gets some STDs or HIV.

 

He hang out with friends and going to movies with girls? Doesn't he know that he is married with a wife and kids?

 

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm ashamed of his behavior and what he has done. He's really damaging himself at the same time.

 

Yes and what's worst is that he said he had a meeting when it's clearly stated on his Facebook that the girls asked him to meet up with them. I told my sister-in-law to delete them off her list including my brother.

 

I looked up to my brother cos he's intelligent, has a lot of things going for him and then this happened!

 

I know not all men are the same but I can't help thinking that this has tainted whatever good thoughts I had on relationships.

[Corporate]

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm ashamed of his behavior and what he has done. He's really damaging himself at the same time.

 

Yes and what's worst is that he said he had a meeting when it's clearly stated on his Facebook that the girls asked him to meet up with them. I told my sister-in-law to delete them off her list including my brother.

 

I looked up to my brother cos he's intelligent, has a lot of things going for him and then this happened!

 

I know not all men are the same but I can't help thinking that this has tainted whatever good thoughts I had on relationships.

 

Maybe your whole family shoudl cut him off.

 

Maybe then, he will hit rock bottom and change. Maybe. He is toxic and can't be good influnce for any of your nieces/nephews or your kids.

[quankanne]

ah, hugs to you Leia ... it's hard when your sibling goes through a divorce, esp. when you're from a family that takes in the folks who marry into the family as your own. And it makes it a thousand times worse when you realize it's YOUR sibling who is behaving badly, because you know he/she wasn't raised that way ...

 

from personal experience? Don't let your brother dictate the relationship you have with your SIL or their kids, because they're very much still part of the family. If anything, keep the conversation focused on anything other than him (meaning, be there to listen, but don't give cause to vent) – trust me, it just makes things work more smoothly that way, and your SIL is going to appreciate your friendship for what it is.

 

frankly, your brother sounds like what is known as a "married single" per Marriage Encounter vocabulary. He's got the benefits of being married, yet still acts like he's living like a single person ... basically, acting selfishly to satisfy his own needs first and foremost. And I totally get your hurt and anger with him. But don't let it eat you alive – pray for him, that he has an epiphany of just what kind of pain his behavior has created, and that he grows the hell up. Because when you put the other person in the midst of your prayers, you learn to focus on what hope there is while still addressing the not so pretty stuff.

[Leia]

Thanks for the hugs, quankanne.

 

I had to take some time off from here to concentrate on my PhD and family matters. My SIL had been crying for a few days after what happened. And now? They have decided to withdraw the summon and work on their marriage.

 

How do I feel about that? Not too bad, as long as my brother proves over and over again that he's not going to be a total douchebag! So far, from what she has told me and my sister, he's an open book with her and well I see it too.

 

Let's just hope he won't repeat his mistakes ... again!

 

ah, hugs to you Leia ... it's hard when your sibling goes through a divorce, esp. when you're from a family that takes in the folks who marry into the family as your own. And it makes it a thousand times worse when you realize it's YOUR sibling who is behaving badly, because you know he/she wasn't raised that way ...

 

from personal experience? Don't let your brother dictate the relationship you have with your SIL or their kids, because they're very much still part of the family. If anything, keep the conversation focused on anything other than him (meaning, be there to listen, but don't give cause to vent) – trust me, it just makes things work more smoothly that way, and your SIL is going to appreciate your friendship for what it is.

 

frankly, your brother sounds like what is known as a "married single" per Marriage Encounter vocabulary. He's got the benefits of being married, yet still acts like he's living like a single person ... basically, acting selfishly to satisfy his own needs first and foremost. And I totally get your hurt and anger with him. But don't let it eat you alive – pray for him, that he has an epiphany of just what kind of pain his behavior has created, and that he grows the hell up. Because when you put the other person in the midst of your prayers, you learn to focus on what hope there is while still addressing the not so pretty stuff.

[bentnotbroken]

Nice to hear the update. I pray your brother and his family recover and do even better than before.

[Leia]

Nice to hear the update. I pray your brother and his family recover and do even better than before.

 

Thanks, bentnotbroken. I hope so. Surprisingly, he's been staying home a lot more now and my SIL told us that he has deleted a lot of the women from his BBM