Wondering if its hopeless that I get back with my girlfriend?

[MisterMiscellaneous]

I think I have an unusual situation here...

 

I met my girlfriend three years ago and was living with her for 2 years and we split up almost two months ago. She is from South America and I'm from the USA. I only mention that because I think I might be dealing with some cultural issues here.

 

I didn't want to split up with her and she didn't want to split up with me. We were both passionately in love with each other the day I moved out and of course I still love her. I moved out because of her hideous 17 year old son that did things like flip me off and call his mom a "f-ing b" etc. He was this way because his mom enabled him to be this way by not making him accountable for his actions. The kid has been involved in stealing from Walmart, selling weed out of the house, selling stolen bottles of booze out of the house, selling stolen t-shirst out of the house, etc. The disrespect issue wasn't just with me and his mother but was with his teachers, coaches and finally resulted in him being expelled from high school. All this stuff went on way before I showed up and after 1.5 years I couldn't take the constant stress and disrespect anymore and hated to see his mom treated that way and thats why I moved out. Please understand that I'm not a newbie to parenting having raised my own two boys who are now older and on their own.

 

My hope was to move out but remain a loving couple and then when her 17 and 19 year old kids were on their own then we could live together again. I thought it was a reasonable plan but she made it very clear that if I moved out that the relationship would be over. She felt that me living somewhere else would be like us being "F buddies" and she didn't want that. Except for some angry emails from her at the beginning of the breakup I haven't contacted her in two weeks and there was very little contact prior to that. She is angry because she feels that I "abandoned" her even though I gave her enough money to pay all the household bills for two months and made my intentions very clear that I didn't want to break up with her. She is also mad at me because she feels that I have rejected her kids but the thing is that when her kids were cool and "normal" then I was cool with them.

 

My track record with her since I've known her (3 years) was that I have been completely devoted to her and have cared for her in every way I possibly could and she was the same towards me too. I don't deal with fantasy so I'm not just saying that either. Our breakup was NOT because we didn't get along or because we didn't love each other and not because the relationship had gone stale. Quite the contrary because after three years we were both as passionately in love with each other as we were at the beginning of our relationship. I don't for one second regret moving out of there because I never want to live with her and her kids again. However, that doesn't mean that I wouldn't mind being at her house and staying over for weekends but I can not and will not ever get involved with "parenting" her kids again because of the way she undermines me when I would attempt to make her son accountable for his actions.

 

The bottom line is that I would still like us to be a couple again. Do you think that is possible?

 

Thank you very much. :-)

[nittanylion]

By moving out, you have made a big mistakes. In her mind, she think you have given up on her and her kids, and disrepect her. You have no try hard enough to make its work with her kid. Sometimes its helpful to see from her point of views. I dont know if there a chance for you to get back with her but in order to make it work with her, you have to prove to her that you are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

[StarrySkyBlue]

She's probably very devoted to her kids -- but in the wrong way. In her opinion, she isn't doing anything wrong. She loves her kids. When you 'reject' her kids, she feels like you're also rejecting her. It's like you're not going to stick around to help her deal with her problems in the future. What if someday after her kids move out they come back broke, running from the cops, etc.? Would you let them in? Would you help them? If the answer is no, then you're not "going there" together with her. To all mothers, their children come first. It's the unbreakable maternal tie hardwired to our brains. Other ties can be cut, but not ties with our children. The reason she is so mad at you is probably because she really, really loves you. You're "this close" to being the perfect guy for her -- except that you don't get along with the kids. She's mad at you, at the situation, probably at her kids too.

 

Well, I'm just speculating here. No idea if it's even remotely accurate to what she's thinking. Guys love their wives best. Girls love their kids. You just have different priorities.

[MisterMiscellaneous]

You are very perceptive and right on with everything you said as it pertains to my situation and I thank you for responding.

 

You are right - she doesn't feel that she has done anything wrong, or at least that is the front she puts forth to others because she is a very proud woman (the wrong kid of pride I feel though). In moments of clarity she told me many times how much she appreciated my counsel (having already raised two boys) and how she fears for how bad off her son would have been had I not been there.

 

If the kid moved out and came back "running from the cops" then no I would not want to let him in but she probably would. I would want him to to suck it up and hopefully learn something so he wouldn't end up in prison for life. After he was caught selling stolen bottles of alcohol out of the house (caught from us not the police) we took him to the police department and had a policeman talk to him. The policeman said that if we didn't make him accountable now, that he (the police), would have to deal with him later and that would of course involve him going to jail.

 

When we discovered he was selling stolen t-shirts out of the house his mom did nothing with him or the t-shirts! In fact, I'm pretty sure that was the time she rewarded him with a computer in his bedroom (seriously!). A little later after that when he was being extremely rude and offensive to her around his friends she came and pulled all of those shirts out of his closet and locked them in this garage cabinet with the intentions of giving them to Goodwill. After a week of whining to her and in spite of what I said, she gave all the STOLEN shirts back to him! I was shocked because of the powerful message she was sending to her child that it was okay to have stolen property. Oh my gawd I am still shaking my head over that one.

 

Yes she did tell me many times that I was the "perfect partner" for her. Sadly though, she said in an email that I put her in a position of her having to choose between me or her kids. Well, I never did that and nor did I even think that. However I do understand that with a Bizarro World kind of thinking that she could come to that conclusion. Of course kids require TONS of love, encouragement and guidance, but I have come to the conclusion that IF you have a loving healthy relationship that kids should NOT be number one because at some point they will move out and move on with their lives...and then what will you have if you have burned out the best relationship you have ever had? And in her case, what will you have if you have ruined that relationship...and because of your bad parenting...your kids end up in jail, pregnant, etc?

 

Yes you were right on! Thank you very much!

 

I know I don't want to live with her for now but do you think its possible we could still be a couple?

 

Thanks again.

 

 

 

She's probably very devoted to her kids -- but in the wrong way. In her opinion, she isn't doing anything wrong. She loves her kids. When you 'reject' her kids, she feels like you're also rejecting her. It's like you're not going to stick around to help her deal with her problems in the future. What if someday after her kids move out they come back broke, running from the cops, etc.? Would you let them in? Would you help them? If the answer is no, then you're not "going there" together with her. To all mothers, their children come first. It's the unbreakable maternal tie hardwired to our brains. Other ties can be cut, but not ties with our children. The reason she is so mad at you is probably because she really, really loves you. You're "this close" to being the perfect guy for her -- except that you don't get along with the kids. She's mad at you, at the situation, probably at her kids too.

 

Well, I'm just speculating here. No idea if it's even remotely accurate to what she's thinking. Guys love their wives best. Girls love their kids. You just have different priorities.

[MisterMiscellaneous]

The day after her son flipped me off (and I told her about this) when I very nicely and kindly asked him to please put the 8 glasses in the dishwasher so I could run it that he had left sitting on the counter, and in the sink, and on the coffee table for several days, I knew that was it. Believe me when I tell you that if that was all that he had done the last two years then I would still be there. But no, that was one of a million disrespectful things he had done or said but I had reached a point where I had nothing left. The tipping point was when the day after he flipped me off his mom REWARDED HIM by giving him back the sim card to his cell phone that she had just taken away from him 4 days before for something else he had done...and at the time she took the sim card away she said it was going to be for an entire month! He does something bad and is defiant to her and she takes the sim card away for a month. Several days later he flips me off and the day after he gets the sim card back. What would you do once you knew that the person you were living with (the kids mother) was purposely doing things that would probably result in her son ending up in prison? Seriously, I could write a book (and it would be thick!) about all the stuff that kid has done the last couple years. I know his mom loves him and I know she has a heart of gold, and I know how well-intentioned she is, but at some point you have to change so you don't end up with blood on your hands due to the fact that you haven't allowed your children to be responsible for their actions.

 

As far as me "proving" myself; I honestly gave 110% to that relationship and to her son the last two years. I went with them to counseling. I had a million heart to heart conversations with the kid when he wouldn't speak to his mom. I was entirely devoted to that woman but how could I stand there and watch someone screwing up their kids like that? My attitude was that if I moved out then at least I would have distanced myself from that mess and could just be friends with her kids instead of a parent figure.

 

I do understand her point of view but don't know how that can help in this situation.

 

Thank you very much for your reply.

 

 

 

By moving out, you have made a big mistakes. In her mind, she think you have given up on her and her kids, and disrepect her. You have no try hard enough to make its work with her kid. Sometimes its helpful to see from her point of views. I dont know if there a chance for you to get back with her but in order to make it work with her, you have to prove to her that you are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

[StarrySkyBlue]

I know I don't want to live with her for now but do you think its possible we could still be a couple?

 

I also do not think that your ex should let her kids ruin everything for her in the way she is doing right now. However, this is her issue and she has to deal with it herself. At some point, she has to really think about what she wants, but unfortunately for that to happen, I think you might have to wait until her kid does something so bad that it breaks her heart completely. I'm sorry this has caused such a strain in your relationship, but it's her fight now. All you can do is try to make her see that her enabling behavior is actually doing harm, but I doubt she's going to listen. Any hope in getting her into a "better parenting" program or anything?

[MisterMiscellaneous]

I also do not think that your ex should let her kids ruin everything for her in the way she is doing right now. However, this is her issue and she has to deal with it herself. At some point, she has to really think about what she wants, but unfortunately for that to happen, I think you might have to wait until her kid does something so bad that it breaks her heart completely. I'm sorry this has caused such a strain in your relationship, but it's her fight now. All you can do is try to make her see that her enabling behavior is actually doing harm, but I doubt she's going to listen. Any hope in getting her into a "better parenting" program or anything?

 

No there is no hope in getting her into a parenting program because she is very proud and would take that as an insult.

 

We haven't spoken to each other since I moved out two months ago. Our only contact since then has been some texts and emails about mundane matters (such as transferring names for billing). She did send several angry emails the first month. The last angry email I got from her a month ago was so full of ridiculous and even delusional assumptions about who I am and how I think that I decided it was best to not even respond. Anyway, the point is that we aren't in contact with each other anymore. I was thinking of responding to that delusional email from a month ago and asking her if she has softened a bit since then. Don't know how that would help but I don't know how else to open things up since I'm tired of trying to defend myself. You know what I mean?

 

Thanks again.

[sean1970]

No there is no hope in getting her into a parenting program because she is very proud and would take that as an insult.

 

We haven't spoken to each other since I moved out two months ago. Our only contact since then has been some texts and emails about mundane matters (such as transferring names for billing). She did send several angry emails the first month. The last angry email I got from her a month ago was so full of ridiculous and even delusional assumptions about who I am and how I think that I decided it was best to not even respond. Anyway, the point is that we aren't in contact with each other anymore. I was thinking of responding to that delusional email from a month ago and asking her if she has softened a bit since then. Don't know how that would help but I don't know how else to open things up since I'm tired of trying to defend myself. You know what I mean?

 

Thanks again.

 

It just sounds like she has more work to do than you do... If she cant see how her child's behavior was hurting your relationship, how is it ever going to work?

[spiderowl]

I am deliberately answering this without looking at any of the other postings. I don't think you have any chance, no. She wants someone she can rely on to be there for her in times of trouble as well as for the fun parts. By moving out, you've let her know very clearly that you only want the fun bits and she can stuff the rest.

 

She must be aware that her son is giving her lots of trouble. As a parent who has a son with special needs, I know exactly what it's like to have others blame you for your child's odd behaviour. The son's behaviour does sound outrageous but, to be honest, it's unlikely that the only reason for it is that she allows him to get away with things. She probably knows there is more to it than that and something internal to him driving him to test everyone. She is probably desperately unhappy about this and doing her level best to try to deal with his problems whilst still caring for others. The last thing she needs is someone telling her what to do and punishing her if she doesn't agree with him - which is exactly what you've done.

 

There will be plenty of others agreeing with you, no doubt. People who've never had to deal with a child who is not wired like the rest of us. What she needs most is support for her to deal with *her* child. This is a tall order for anyone and she'll be aware of that. She probably won't be surprised you've given up. She, on the other hand, does not have that option as she'll want to do her best by her son. I would have done exactly the same as her and given up on you. I've no doubt it was a tough situation for you, no doubt at all, but you have failed to understand how tough it is for her (and probably has been for years).

 

It is an exceptional situation, so there is no point blaming yourself. She doesn't want a part-time, fun only relationship with you and I don't blame her. She has self respect and I'm sure she is used to coping alone with this problem.

[MisterMiscellaneous]

We shall see about the I "don't have any chance" because she called me last night and we spoke for several hours.

 

Are you saying your child has "special needs" because your child has been diagnosed with a mental disorder?

 

 

I am deliberately answering this without looking at any of the other postings. I don't think you have any chance, no. She wants someone she can rely on to be there for her in times of trouble as well as for the fun parts. By moving out, you've let her know very clearly that you only want the fun bits and she can stuff the rest.

 

She must be aware that her son is giving her lots of trouble. As a parent who has a son with special needs, I know exactly what it's like to have others blame you for your child's odd behaviour. The son's behaviour does sound outrageous but, to be honest, it's unlikely that the only reason for it is that she allows him to get away with things. She probably knows there is more to it than that and something internal to him driving him to test everyone. She is probably desperately unhappy about this and doing her level best to try to deal with his problems whilst still caring for others. The last thing she needs is someone telling her what to do and punishing her if she doesn't agree with him - which is exactly what you've done.

 

There will be plenty of others agreeing with you, no doubt. People who've never had to deal with a child who is not wired like the rest of us. What she needs most is support for her to deal with *her* child. This is a tall order for anyone and she'll be aware of that. She probably won't be surprised you've given up. She, on the other hand, does not have that option as she'll want to do her best by her son. I would have done exactly the same as her and given up on you. I've no doubt it was a tough situation for you, no doubt at all, but you have failed to understand how tough it is for her (and probably has been for years).

 

It is an exceptional situation, so there is no point blaming yourself. She doesn't want a part-time, fun only relationship with you and I don't blame her. She has self respect and I'm sure she is used to coping alone with this problem.

[spiderowl]

It's good to hear you've been talking. Hopefully, something positive will come of it. Maybe you both needed this break from each other to actually see where the real problems lie. I hope it turns out well for you.

 

My son has an autistic spectrum disorder. 'Normal' behaviour is terrifying and incomprehensible to him. He gets stuck with certain obsessions but doesn't see them as that. His various oddities can seem like rebellious behaviour to others but to him they are life or death issues and he will become extremely distressed and fight to prevent change. He can get aggressive when he feels threatened in this way. I am managing him how I think best and mostly he is turning into a well-behaved boy, but it's been very hard work.

 

Whenever I've tried discussing problems with 'normal' people, I get all-knowing comments about how he seems fine and it's just a question of sticking to your guns, setting an example, not giving in too easily, as one would do with normal children. To me, normal children are a breath of fresh air as they have traits such as sociability, empathy and a desire to please other people. They can bear to eat in the same room as other people and - something I never experience with my son - they can be kind to me. If I cried, my son would be oblivious and he wouldn't care at all. He would tell me I was being stupid. On the other hand, my niece, who is 10 years younger, would be most concerned if her mother was upset about anything.

 

People probably think I don't care about my son's behaviour if I shrug off their well-meaning comments, but it is far from the case. I've just heard it all before and know their experience bears little relationship to mine. I'm also used to shutting out the desperate feelings that a parent in this situation gets. The only people who have genuinely understood have been those who work with autistic people, many of whom have autistic children themselves.

 

Your ex-girlfriend's son does sound like he has a conduct disorder of some kind. Anyone would feel out of their depth when trying to manage this. She is probably aware that there is something 'wrong', that it is probably not just naughtiness and then ends up trying to protect him because she knows it's not his fault he's like this. Maybe there is a new way you could both take which would involve getting expert advice and support from specialists in this field. I think if you just put it down to her giving in to him, you will get nowhere. She knows her son better than you do and the situation is probably not as simple as you imagine.

[S.Tee]

Dear MM,

 

It is good that you have been talking. It was just minor mistake that you moved out and to her it was like turning your back and did not care bout her problems. She is hurt by your action and though she knows you meant well, ladies like attention and she needs you by her side. Whether you can help her or not is a different matter, just be her shoulder to dry on.

 

Just can;t help but analyze the issue here:

 

You had been too devoted to her so she was more like pampered. Some guys make sure their gal follow their instructions but i am sure you are more of concern you might hurt her feelings, so allow the whole decision be hers. So she expect you to be Mr.Yes all the time. This time of course it hurts her deeply since she was not used to.

 

Different culture also gives impact. To her culture probably, a man must not let a woman handle all by herself and share the happiness and sorrow. To yours, a woman also need to be independent and find own solution at times. So it was just a clash of your upbringings.

 

Just slowly talk to her that you had good intention to move out. It can ease her kids emotions and stuff. They maybe cannot accept you like their biological father and being rebellious is another way to show their protest. It is normal and pls do not talk negative about her kids. Her kids need help and together you should figure out.

 

Also admit it was your mistake for deciding too fast to move out and should have discussed to you earlier. But all this while you had been nice and it is at times you need to take control.

 

Create a positive discussion, do not blame anyone and always make her known how much you care bout her & her family. It will do well and she even had conversation to you now is a good start! Good luck.