Mombot Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 How do you know if it's an exit affair? What are the signs if it?
OWoman Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 How do you know if it's an exit affair? What are the signs if it? The MM / MW leaves?
jennie-jennie Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 EXIT AFFAIRS: Gender of straying partner: female or male Age of straying partner: any Length of marriage before affair: less than 15 years Theme of affair: avoid facing ending of marriage Duration of affair: 6 months to 2 years Level of emotional involvement in affair: some Presenting affect of straying partner: uninvolved Presenting affect of spouse: angry Interaction pattern of couple: straying partner uninvolved, spouse angry Who presents for therapy: couple or spouse Primary treatment mode initially: couple Prognosis for resolving issues: good Probability of divorce: extremely high Best outcome: resolves issues of ending marriage Worst outcome: unresolved loss
2sure Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 People get divorced all the time. I dont think any OW needs to guess whether MM will leave when it is an exit affair. An exit affair occurs when both spouses already have one foot out the door & know it. If you dont KNOW -he isnt leaving.
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You are NOT the reason he is leaving. You are the catalyst for his leaving. You are the final straw in a marriage where HE has already left and is confident of his decision to do so. His actions: He has spoken to an attorney, is separating finances and domiciles and truly moving out and on; No looking back, waiting, vacillating back and forth; extending a time line, pushing through every deadline with more and more excuses of why he can't do it now. The marriage is already over, before you entered the picture. His actions will tell you so.
OWoman Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 People get divorced all the time. I dont think any OW needs to guess whether MM will leave when it is an exit affair. An exit affair occurs when both spouses already have one foot out the door & know it. If you dont KNOW -he isnt leaving. I disagree with this. I've had a number of MMs leave. There was absolutely no indication upfront that they were going to do so, and in all but one cases it was not what I wanted and led to the end of the A. These were all MMs who professed to be happily M, to have no intention of leaving their Ws and who had never had, nor considered having, an A previously to being approached by me. And in none of those cases did BOTH spouses have a foot out of the door. In all cases, the BW had no clue that the MM was unhappy, and the BW certainly wasn't. Perhaps, these weren't exit As. But the MM left, nonetheless - and not because they were kicked out, either (there was no Dday).
Owl Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 I disagree with this. I've had a number of MMs leave. There was absolutely no indication upfront that they were going to do so, and in all but one cases it was not what I wanted and led to the end of the A. These were all MMs who professed to be happily M, to have no intention of leaving their Ws and who had never had, nor considered having, an A previously to being approached by me. And in none of those cases did BOTH spouses have a foot out of the door. In all cases, the BW had no clue that the MM was unhappy, and the BW certainly wasn't. Perhaps, these weren't exit As. But the MM left, nonetheless - and not because they were kicked out, either (there was no Dday). Do you think the A was a key factor into their choice to end the marriage, or a key factor into their sudden dissatisfaction with a marriage that they were otherwise satisfied with before hand?
Confused4Now Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 You are NOT the reason he is leaving. You are the catalyst for his leaving. You are the final straw in a marriage where HE has already left and is confident of his decision to do so. His actions: He has spoken to an attorney, is separating finances and domiciles and truly moving out and on; No looking back, waiting, vacillating back and forth; extending a time line, pushing through every deadline with more and more excuses of why he can't do it now. The marriage is already over, before you entered the picture. His actions will tell you so.This was EXACTLY ME.....my divorce took 16 months and has been final for 1 year.....but I did not waiver. Went to a Attorney couple years before I met my MW. I was instructed by my attorney to wait till my middle child turned 18. My wife worked a swing shift so I never saw her only on the weekends...and my attorney said to suck it up and wait. 2 years later Feb 08 my son turned 18 and I had that discussion with my W that I went to a attorney and wanted a divorce. She was served in March. So I do consider my affair a exit affair. I have not looked back and even though I didn't get my MW...I'm good. I don't have to answer to anyone now. I just focus on my kids and myself.
OWoman Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Do you think the A was a key factor into their choice to end the marriage, or a key factor into their sudden dissatisfaction with a marriage that they were otherwise satisfied with before hand? I think it certainly was key to their questioning the M - and whether they should be in it. A different kind of R shows up other possibilities, and other potential incarnations of the self that may not match the self they have developed over time in the M. Also, in at least one case, I think the MM realised that it wasn't about WHO he was M to (it was his second M) but a structural issue relating to being M at all - and that he'd rather not be.
Ellin Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I disagree with this. I've had a number of MMs leave. There was absolutely no indication upfront that they were going to do so, and in all but one cases it was not what I wanted and led to the end of the A. These were all MMs who professed to be happily M, to have no intention of leaving their Ws and who had never had, nor considered having, an A previously to being approached by me. And in none of those cases did BOTH spouses have a foot out of the door. In all cases, the BW had no clue that the MM was unhappy, and the BW certainly wasn't. Perhaps, these weren't exit As. But the MM left, nonetheless - and not because they were kicked out, either (there was no Dday). OWoman, I'd really like to meet you. You seem to be IRRESISTIBLE to men I really enjoy reading your posts.
OWoman Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 OWoman, I'd really like to meet you. You seem to be IRRESISTIBLE to men I really enjoy reading your posts. I don't think it has anything to do with irresistibility - I think it has everything to do with circumstance, perspective and opportunity. I like men of a certain age - it also happens to be that time of life when men are more likely to be reviewing their life and their life choices, weighing them up and asking, "is this all there is?" So they're more open to making changes. They're also less likely to have small children, and to feel obligated to keeping some kind of nuclear family unit intact, I guess. They're also at that point in their careers where they've made it, and so they would be more open to move on to fresh challenges and new interests. Their Ms are long-term and stable, with established routines and rhythms, so they're not needing to invest a great deal of time or effort there to keep things ticking over. And, I guess, at that point in their lives they have the means to make a change, if they want one. They can afford a D - and, even if they lose assets, they're still young enough and at their earnings peak to be able to recoup the loss, if they want to. So these nice, hard-working, model husband-and-father types have their conventional perspectives blasted apart and sit back and think, do I want to die like this? and think back fondly to their naive youthful dreams set to a soundtrack of freedom songs, and they renounce their "sold out" lifestyle and opt for something "more"... The catalyst could be anyone, or anything.
bestplayer Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I disagree with this. I've had a number of MMs leave. There was absolutely no indication upfront that they were going to do so, and in all but one cases it was not what I wanted and led to the end of the A. These were all MMs who professed to be happily M, to have no intention of leaving their Ws and who had never had, nor considered having, an A previously to being approached by me. And in none of those cases did BOTH spouses have a foot out of the door. In all cases, the BW had no clue that the MM was unhappy, and the BW certainly wasn't. Perhaps, these weren't exit As. But the MM left, nonetheless - and not because they were kicked out, either (there was no Dday). wow , lot of women would pray their H's never meet you
TinaniT Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 wow , lot of women would pray their H's never meet you No woman in the world can *make* a husband cheat. I think most wives in happy marriages would have very little to be concerned about, even if OWoman was interested in their spouse.
MsRight Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I wonder if Exit Affairs are just for men. People keep telling me that "he doesn't leave unles he was already going to" but guess what? I wasn't planning on leaving my husband! yes, we were having a hard time and I wanted a better marriage (to my H!), so OM came along at a time when I happened to be vulnerable....but my intentions at the beginning were just to have a new friend, then just to have him kiss me again ONCE like he did in college, then....etc etc and it wasn't until months later that I started thinking, I need to leave my marriage! But, then he went back to his and I am trying to work on my M without the intrusion of an A and make it everything my H and i could hope for... But the point is, either "Exit Affairs" aren't the only way, or I am just different.
Ann_Igma Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 No woman in the world can *make* a husband cheat. I think most wives in happy marriages would have very little to be concerned about, even if OWoman was interested in their spouse. There are people in the world manipulative enough to convince people to drink beverages laced with cyanide, or to throw away huge sums of money to learn the truth of life as told by a bad science-fiction writer.. So I'm pretty sure there are men and women out there manipulative enough to make weak-minded married people cheat. I think they are probably very rare and very far from the normal OM/OW, but I wouldn't ever say never.
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