recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 We've been married for 2 years and I made the man who gave me everything feel like absolute dirt. I had everything and changed it all 7 months ago. During his vents he has expressed about bringing another woman into our house and me watching it all. It seemed as though BH was venting but it's for real. I'm giving him permission as BH stated that's the only way he can heal, by getting back at me. I completely deserve this all for bringing him misery. I wouldn't want him going down this low path nor encourage this but wouldn't it be selfish of me to reject it considering what I did? Should I proceed to this? He wants it done by next week.
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 What did you do? You don't say what you did that was so awful.
Author recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 What did you do? You don't say what you did that was so awful.Cheated on him and he wants to do the same thing. It's going to take place week and I have to be there watching it all.
jnj express Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 2 wrongs don't make a right----you cheated---screwed your life and mge up---if he wants revenge affair you can't stop him---but do not give him permission, and do not watch-------at this point he is as bad as you are----you deserve each other
Disintegration Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I understand why he would feel like paying you back by cheating on you. He is obviously distraught. Instead of a revenge affair why doesn't he want to resolve the issue by going to counseling. You did him wrong but you shouldn't have to watch him in the act with someone else. Can you imagine what that would do to you? Do you think you could recover from that? He may feel better for the time being but it's just asking for extended problems. You shouldn't agree or allow that to happen. You need to help repair your marriage. I would think divorce would be the better option than for him to "show you" by rubbing it in your face by you having to witness him with another woman. Seems twisted, but he is a man who was betrayed by his wife and he is going through the extremes right now.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 We've been married for 2 years and I made the man who gave me everything feel like absolute dirt. I had everything and changed it all 7 months ago. During his vents he has expressed about bringing another woman into our house and me watching it all. It seemed as though BH was venting but it's for real. I'm giving him permission as BH stated that's the only way he can heal, by getting back at me. I completely deserve this all for bringing him misery. I wouldn't want him going down this low path nor encourage this but wouldn't it be selfish of me to reject it considering what I did? Should I proceed to this? He wants it done by next week. Two wrongs do not make a right. Now both of you won't have ANY trust, what's the point of even continuing the marriage? He's in revenge mode right now. IF he actually has the balls to go through with this (I think he's just threatening you, trying to make you feel awful and guilty, make you suffer like he's suffering), walk out the door......Go to a friends house or to your parents house. Cheated on him and he wants to do the same thing. It's going to take place week and I have to be there watching it all. How long ago did you cheat? Did he catch you/find out on his own or did you confess? Is your A over and are you in NC mode with the OM?
bentnotbroken Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 This is trouble with a capital T. Do not do this with him. It will only make things worse than they already are.
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Cheated on him and he wants to do the same thing. It's going to take place week and I have to be there watching it all. I doubt very much that is going to save your marriage.
Author recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 How long ago did you cheat?7 months ago and there is no excuse for what I did. Did he catch you/find out on his own or did you confess? Is your A over and are you in NC mode with the OM?I couldn't take it anymore and told me 3 months later what I did. At the same time maybe I shouldn't have because now while relieving my guilt that day, I placed a burden on him.
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Cheated on him and he wants to do the same thing. It's going to take place week and I have to be there watching it all. no - you don't. no one can MAKE you agree or go along with something you don't feel happy about. if you go along with this - it is bound to make you feel worse. IF he is angry for what you did... and you intend to save the marriage - then you both need to do counseling to help heal the relationship - not hurt it even further.
Author recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 [/b]IF he is angry for what you did... and you intend to save the marriage - then you both need to do counseling to help heal the relationship - not hurt it even further.He told me he will after proceeding to the plan.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 7 months ago and there is no excuse for what I did. I couldn't take it anymore and told me 3 months later what I did. At the same time maybe I shouldn't have because now while relieving my guilt that day, I placed a burden on him. All you can do now is focus on you and getting counselling in. Your H is on his own path and you need to walk away from him .. For now. No, you did the right thing by confessing to him. If he had found out on his own it would have been worse. Yes, you placed a burden on him, but you chose that the minute you chose to cheat on him.. Are there kids involved here?
Author recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Are there kids involved here?There are no kids involved. We never had desires for kids.
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 He told me he will after proceeding to the plan. you are allowed to say NO! if he doesn't respect your decision - divorce him. any man willing to FORCE his wife to go along with anything that goes against her wishes and includes crossing her boundary for safety - needs to be divorced just for being so disrespectful and disregarding. i know you feel guilty for cheating - but don't compromise your morals further... that just makes it that much worse. tell him hell no!
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I usually don't tell people to divorce without trying, but since you two don't have kids, and have been married 2 years.. So early on and cheating going on, and now your H losing it and wanting a revenge affair, and for you to watch.. Ask yourself if this marriage is worth saving? Do you truly love him? What brought you two together, to fall inlove and get married? Why did you decide to cheat on him? 2 years is so early in the marriage. It is possible that there isn't enough 'glue' to hold you two together to work through this. I guess it all depends on how you feel and if he goes through with this crazy plan. Don't watch it happen...Walk out the door. No need to see him in action..
Bryanp Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Why would you cheat on a new husband and put his health at risk for STD's only being married a little over a year? Why would you do this? Finally it would be a horrible idea to accept what you husband is proposing. I would suggest that you tell him you want a divorce. Unfortunately these are the consequences of the selfishness of affairs.
Author recentlywed Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) Ask yourself if this marriage is worth saving? Do you truly love him? What brought you two together, to fall inlove and get married? Why did you decide to cheat on him? 2 years is so early in the marriage.There was a time I felt neglected and that he no longer loved me. Ever since getting hired for his new position, it was always work stressing him out and he was no longer the man I once met. The one who once praised me, never said no to sex, came with a smile after he got home, took to special restaurant and was romantic was gone. All of the sudden he become a moody man and if I asked him something, all he would say was to leave him alone. I started crying often while my husband continue neglecting me. I met the other man online and as we started to know each other, I explained my situation. It didn't took very long for it to develop into a PA. I felt guilt that day and ended, telling the man we would never speak again. Meanwhile (before I confessed) my husband apologized for the way he treated me now and wanted to bring back the sparks. The tables were now reversed as it was me this time who acted moody and distant from my guilt. During that time my husband started thinking my new attitude was because of what he put me through but had no idea what I've done until I confessed. I still love my husband and regret ever putting him through his burden he'll always carry on. When I first confessed, there was a long silence and then he locked himself in his room. After what seemed to be an hour, he came out telling me he'll work on this. I once saw him crying alone but when he noticed me, he told me to go away and locked himself in his room. As the next month went by, it's when he started talking about the plan. Edited June 17, 2010 by recentlywed
JustJoe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 RW, unlike the other posters, I think you should not interfere in his plan, with the exception of being forced to watch, which you shouldn't do. Tell him that he has one free pass, and that's all, and that after this , you BOTH, get counseling, and you BOTH, decide if the marriage is worth saving. My opinion is based on the fact that even though you got hitched, you have never fully committed to each other, and your marriage, as it stands now, is a sham.
LakesideDream Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I usually don't tell people to divorce without trying, but since you two don't have kids, and have been married 2 years.. So early on and cheating going on, and now your H losing it and wanting a revenge affair, and for you to watch.. Ask yourself if this marriage is worth saving? Do you truly love him? What brought you two together, to fall inlove and get married? Why did you decide to cheat on him? 2 years is so early in the marriage. It is possible that there isn't enough 'glue' to hold you two together to work through this. I guess it all depends on how you feel and if he goes through with this crazy plan. Don't watch it happen...Walk out the door. No need to see him in action.. Gotta agree with WWIU. What's the point in going on? There isn't enough lovie dovey on the planet for your hubby to forgive you, his demands make that clear. Even if you go through what your husband is demanding... he will still be filled with resentment. You will be filled with anger of your own. Just bag it and move along. Enjoy your youth. Make better choices next time.
Windsurf66 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 No, not within his rights according to the marriage vows that he has taken and which you had broken. He should either divorce you or work with you on the marriage through MC
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 This is an absolutely dreadful thing to want to do, because basically, if you decide to go to counselling, he will turn his escapade on you, and blame you for it. The blame for having a one-night-stand, is yours. The responsibility for why it happened - is both yours and his. If he withdrew as a husband and changed his commitment to you and the marriage, then he must share part of that responsibility. But to do this to you is puerile, childish and reckless. Who exactly has he picked to be the other woman? do you know her? Does she know why this is happening? Has she any idea he wants to have sex with her, not because he wants to, but because he wants to punish and hurt you? he's prpared to toy with her feelings and lie to her, is he? This is madness. Outrageous. Tell him that if he wants to play his petty little game of revenge to go right ahead. You won't be there. he can do what he likes. But any idea of then saving the marriage is off the radar. He is behaving now, in exactly the same way he behaved when he withdrew from the marriage. Rather than tackling the issue head-on, and doing something about the cause, he is avoiding and hiding behind stupid actions. Tell him you either work together to put this all behind you - or it really is all behind you.
JustJoe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 TM, you put ONE comment about her actual affair, but spent several paragraphs trashing her H. Have your ever heard of impartiality? As yet, She is the only cheater in the marriage, right? All he wants to do is the same thing she did, so how is his proposed act any worse? He was stressed about a new job, and instead of trying to understand, she claims neglect, and runs to another man. RW, your husband's plan is nasty, but no nastier than your ONS. If you felt justified in cheating, then you either let him do the same thing or end the M. I agree with Tara about the responsibility, but since neither of you have shown any, so the point is moot. Marriage should be an equal partnership, right now your marriage is not. My advice, to both, would be to learn the lesson and find someone else.
jnj express Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You had your affair instead of forcefully sitting your H. down, to talk about the problems the mge had---basically they were work related----him working was for the mge., for you----the blame for your Affair is 100% yours---both of you shared responsibility for marital problems What you have now is a giant marital problem----if you want to save this mge., attempt as best you can to work it out---that includes, counseling, dialogue tween the 2 of you---him setting boundaries, you being contrite, remorseful, transparent----you giving up all phones, social networks, e-mail accts---etc., etc. What it does not include is you watching him have sex with another woman\ \,mkjhnm wrsc
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 JustJoe, the reason for that is that hers was a done deal, but his mistake is yet to come, and it's avoidable if they just stop and think about it first. She had the affair. Like I said - that was her fault. It wasn't anything she should ever have even thought of doing. But different triggers drive different people to do different things. What's done is done, and cannot be undone. We can all look for justifications, reasons, causes and - triggers - but the fact is, and the fact remains, she did it once, she confessed and tried to make good. That he has not accepted this, and is now trying to wreak revenge is misguided and just plain wrong. That's why I'm looking at 'now' rather than 'then'. 'Then' is impossible to change. 'Now' - stands a slight chance. but I agree with you. I think this whole sordid marriage is a mess, and best ended.
JustJoe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Tara, there are some people, in this world, who must have their "pound of flesh", and RW'S sounds like that.
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