Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 My ex has 2 boys, and I never felt any resentment towards them. They took up a lot of my ex's time, and he was always running around doing things for them, and we even spent family days together, and I always enjoyed every moment. With my current bf, he has one daughter. But for some reason, I always feel resentful towards her, even though she is only 8 and has done nothing wrong. He spends less time with her than my ex did with his kids (due to custodial reasons) yet I still feel resentment towards his daughter. I realize that when a man has children, I always resent the girls, but never the boys. This is so strange because children are children, regardless their gender. Why do I feel this way? Can anyone relate?
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 My ex-stepmom was SO envious of the relationship I have with my dad. My brother was of no real consequence to her in that regard, since I was always the unspoken favorite out of the two of us. The oldest, the only girl; I was and always will be my dad's little princess. I think your resentment stems from the fact that you are of the same sex. It's difficult for some women to accept a man's unconditional love for his daughter(s), as though they're not the priority in their man's affections. It can seem as though no matter how often you're reassured by him that you're wanted/needed in his life, you're not really the princess/queen of his heart; his little girl is. It can be hard to reconcile that there are two different kinds of love at play--romantic love, and the unconditional love for a child--in the face of feeling like you're second-best.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 It can seem as though no matter how often you're reassured by him that you're wanted/needed in his life, you're not really the princess/queen of his heart; his little girl is. It can be hard to reconcile that there are two different kinds of love at play--romantic love, and the unconditional love for a child--in the face of feeling like you're second-best. I think you're right. I feel like if he had boys, they are his kids, but the only woman in his life is me. I am the feminine, gentle female in his life that he feels he needs to protect, the one he will always have a soft spot for. Whereas if he has a daughter, she will always be the cute one, the adorable one, the one that needs protecting, or daddy's safe hugs. And you're right, it makes me resent her; because when it comes to cuteness, needing to be protected etc.... I will always come second, especially since its not my child he is protecting, but someone else's little girl. Wow that sucks. I guess I can't date men with girls lol
Stung Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I can't offer any insight into this phenomenon beyond that expressed by the previous posters...I would however advise you, now that you have recognized this problem, to consider backing away from your current relationship. If you are determined to stay with your boyfriend and be a part of his daughter's life, I recommend that you seek counseling to help you gain a better understanding of your resentment, and ways to overcome it. No child deserves a stepmother who resents her; you should bow out now, or commit yourself to becoming genuinely positive with and for the girl.
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Wow that sucks. I guess I can't date men with girls lol This kind of resentment is unhealthy, IMO. It shows a lack of understanding and acceptance of different kinds of love. My ex-stepmom has a biological daughter whom she loves, but from what I knew of their relationship she was also rather competitive with her. If you have a daughter of your own someday I doubt this resentment of yours will fade, and it could morph into something that could seriously harm her. You should talk to someone about this issue. Completely eliminating men with daughters from your dating pool is self-sabotage. You'd be really limiting your options and chances for happiness, I think.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 This kind of resentment is unhealthy, IMO. It shows a lack of understanding and acceptance of different kinds of love. My ex-stepmom has a biological daughter whom she loves, but from what I knew of their relationship she was also rather competitive with her. If you have a daughter of your own someday I doubt this resentment of yours will fade, and it could morph into something that could seriously harm her. You should talk to someone about this issue. Completely eliminating men with daughters from your dating pool is self-sabotage. You'd be really limiting your options and chances for happiness, I think. I really appreciate your input tigressA, especially since you have been in this situation. I will be quite honest, I don't think I would resent my own daughter if I had one. She would be MY daughter, and if her daddy spent a lot of time with her, I wouldn't mind and all. My mentality about it would be "good for them, my baby needs her daddy" whereas if it was with his daughter from his his previous marriage, my mentality would be "well thats good I guess but I will never be a part of that, because she is not mine." You're right, its not healthy, but I would never resent my own babies. I think the resentment also comes from the fact that someone else gave him his little princess, and it wasn't me. So this little girl who makes him so happy is not mine, and he spends alone time with her, because its HIS daughter, not ours. And I feel left out, especially since someone already gave him what makes him so happy, and that person wasn't me. I will NEVER be a part of his daughter and that happiness she brings him, so I feel kind of useless and on the side, I am not as important, and will never be, I am not the mother of that child, and should anything ever happen, that would be all that matters, not "dads girlfriend".
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You're right, its not healthy, but I would never resent my own babies. I think the resentment also comes from the fact that someone else gave him his little princess, and it wasn't me. So this little girl who makes him so happy is not mine, and he spends alone time with her, because its HIS daughter, not ours. And I feel left out, especially since someone already gave him what makes him so happy, and that person wasn't me. I will NEVER be a part of his daughter and that happiness she brings him, so I feel kind of useless and on the side, I am not as important, and will never be, I am not the mother of that child, and should anything ever happen, that would be all that matters, not "dads girlfriend". I think you've just answered your own question here. This is really good insight and I totally understand what you mean. I'm fairly certain that this is some of what my ex-stepmom felt, but instead of trying to open up and form a bond with me, she deliberately shut me out, MADE herself useless and continued on with her venomous envy while laying all the blame on me. She left us on 3 separate occasions before she and my dad finally split; the first time I'd overheard my dad on the phone saying she'd said I was one of the reasons she left. I knew my dad was crushed when she left so I was convinced for awhile that he hated me, since she blamed me. The incident played havoc with my head for years; I thought something was wrong with me when it was really her the whole time. This is what can happen if you choose to not address the issue at all. You can address it by talking to a counselor, or address it by refusing to date men who have daughters. I'd vote for the first option, at least for now. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? That might be a good idea too. Explain your feeling left-out and perhaps you two can come up with ways to make you feel more included in their relationship.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) This is what can happen if you choose to not address the issue at all. You can address it by talking to a counselor, or address it by refusing to date men who have daughters. I'd vote for the first option, at least for now. Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? That might be a good idea too. Explain your feeling left-out and perhaps you two can come up with ways to make you feel more included in their relationship. I'm glad you asked. I have been 200% honest with him about all of this, and I have hurt him alot because he doesn't want to lose me. I am lucky that he understands my point of view, and he always reassures me that he loves me and cares for me, but his daughter will always come first. It crushes me too to hear this, not because he has to take care of her, for goodness sake she is only 8! But what crushes me is in the long run, should anything happen, while I would run to him, he would run to someone else's child. She and I get along very well, and she really looks up to me. We have never had any problems, and I have NEVER EVER made her feel left out and have NEVER blamed her for anything. She has done nothing wrong. Its not her but her existence. I know it sounds so harsh and cold, and believe me I have nothing against this little girl, but I think I am just not ready to be with someone with kids, especially if they aren't mine. I don't understand what it is like to love a child unconditionally, I don't have any kids, which is why I cannot accept that his child will always come before me. I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to come first in a mans life (at least before coming second), but it is my fault I began a relationship with a man that has a child. But I have been honest with him, and we are going through a difficult time, but I am not lying to him, and he knows exactly how I feel. Edited June 17, 2010 by Hopeful30
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I'm glad you asked. I have been 200% honest with him about all of this, and I have hurt him alot because he doesn't want to lose me. I am lucky that he understands my point of view, and he always reassures me that he loves me and cares for me, but his daughter will always come first. It crushes me too to hear this, not because he has to take care of her, for goodness sake she is only 8! But what crushes me is in the long run, should anything happen, while I would run to him, he would run to someone else's child. She and I get along very well, and she really looks up to me. We have never had any problems, and I have NEVER EVER made her feel left out and have NEVER blamed her for anything. She has done nothing wrong. Its not her but her existence. I know it sounds so harsh and cold, and believe me I have nothing against this little girl, but I think I am just not ready to be with someone with kids, especially if they aren't mine. Well it's good that you've talked about it already. From what you've said, it would be best to sever your relationship with this man, and at least for now, avoid dating men who already have children. Depending on your age group/geography/etc it could be really difficult to do that, so that's why I advised working this out with a counselor if it is really important to you to find a long-term partner at this stage in your life.
Author Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Well it's good that you've talked about it already. From what you've said, it would be best to sever your relationship with this man, and at least for now, avoid dating men who already have children. Depending on your age group/geography/etc it could be really difficult to do that, so that's why I advised working this out with a counselor if it is really important to you to find a long-term partner at this stage in your life. I think I know what I have to do. Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate that you took the time. And you helped me gain a bit of insight myself Thank you tigressA, and I am sorry to hear what you had to go through with your ex-stepmother, it is unfortunate. I will NEVER be that person, and severing this relationship might be just what I need to do to prevent myself from turning into that person and hurting anyone, at least at this point in time. Thank you again
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You're very welcome, and I wish you the best of luck.
Ruby Slippers Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 It can seem as though no matter how often you're reassured by him that you're wanted/needed in his life, you're not really the princess/queen of his heart; his little girl is. The last guy I dated was talking about his niece and said something like, "Sorry, she'll always be the apple of my eye," something about how his woman would never exceed her esteem in his heart. And in my mind, I went, "OK. NEXT."
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 My ex has 2 boys, and I never felt any resentment towards them. They took up a lot of my ex's time, and he was always running around doing things for them, and we even spent family days together, and I always enjoyed every moment. With my current bf, he has one daughter. But for some reason, I always feel resentful towards her, even though she is only 8 and has done nothing wrong. He spends less time with her than my ex did with his kids (due to custodial reasons) yet I still feel resentment towards his daughter. I realize that when a man has children, I always resent the girls, but never the boys. This is so strange because children are children, regardless their gender. Why do I feel this way? Can anyone relate? You have jealously issues. This is his daughter, so you are jealous of the love and attention she'll receive instead of ALL of it going to you? Fact that she is a daddy's girl, the apple of his eye? You want him all for yourself? This is going to be a huge problem and ruin your relationship if you don't get help (counselling) as I think this goes deeper than you realize. Do you feel like you're competing with her? Scared he will always put her first before you?
tigressA Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Great advice all around Tigress! Thanks! I've been feeling pretty on-point the last couple of days.
marsle85 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) I understand this situation. My parents have had their problems (luckily they're still together) but my dad and I are on an entirely different playing field. My mom has never had the presence of a solid father figure, and she sees the bond my father and I share every day. She LOVES that we have it, and wants me to cherish it... because she knows she never had it. You need to figure it out, girl. That little girl deserves EVERYTHING he can give her. That woman will one day be in your shoes, and the backing he provides will make all the difference. That little girl is you, in a lot of ways. I suggest the opposite, I suggest you try to bond with that little girl. I think this may show you how he actually regards her. Instead, you become a team in building this child into the most confident, independent, strong individual you can. Let her become a priority to you. She does matter, she does deserve what her father gives her. You know this in your heart. I'm not sure of the intensity of the relationship, but if you are close- try to give everything you can to her. Edited June 17, 2010 by marsle85
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