bluetrue12 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 my sister and her boyfriend both are divorced and have been friends with eachother since they were both married, like 8 years, theve been together for 5 or so of it. they are in thier 30s, hes older than her and neither of them have children. she has talked to me about 'when she has a family' but he doesnt talk like that. he has given her a couple of rings but has never proposed. they are comfortable and happy from what i can tell, they have good communication, they are faithful, they live together of course, they know eachother incredibly well... they are habitual and domestic. whats your opinion about this? will he marry her? is he just comfortably dating his best friend until he meets the one? any thoughts and dont spare my feelings because shes my sister.
Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 He won't marry her. When a man knows he wants to marry a woman, he marries her. She isn't "the one" for him, so he isn't settling down because he feels there is someone out there better matched for him. I'm sorry to say, but your sister should keep her options open.
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 If they're happy together, great. But a man his age who, after 5 years, has not proposed, isn't likely to do so. Ever.
phineas Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 It really depends how screwed he got in the divorce. Men who get royally screwed in divorces don't usually marry again. And if they do, they usually want a pre-nup. And, most women take offence to a pre-nup.
BettyBoop Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 If your sister is happy with not being married, then I think it's alright. If marriage is important to her, however, she might need to find a man who want marriage equally as bad.
aerogurl87 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Well OP I'm assuming your sister wants to be married, and if so, it's not gonna happen with this guy. Dating for 5 years and he's given her rings but not an engagement ring? Sounds to me like he's dangling the carrot just close enough to where she has some hope, but far away enough so that she can't grasp it.
make me believe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 He isn't going to marry her. If marriage is important to your sister, she needs to find someone else. If she is happy being a live-in girlfriend for the rest of her life, then this situation will probably work out.
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 ......they are comfortable and happy from what i can tell, they have good communication, they are faithful, they live together of course, they know eachother incredibly well... they are habitual and domestic. I don't get it.... Is there a problem? Has she brought this up to you as a problem? Is she concerned? is this an issue between them, or are they comfortable? From what I can personally gather from your comments above, you seem more concerned than they are....If she hasn't mentioned this to you as an earth-shattering, deal-breaking issue - I don't see whay you're posting or what the worry is. Just askin'.....
Author bluetrue12 Posted June 19, 2010 Author Posted June 19, 2010 I don't get it.... Is there a problem? Has she brought this up to you as a problem? Is she concerned? is this an issue between them, or are they comfortable? From what I can personally gather from your comments above, you seem more concerned than they are....If she hasn't mentioned this to you as an earth-shattering, deal-breaking issue - I don't see whay you're posting or what the worry is. Just askin'..... absolutly she has brought it up to me. she pretends to love being the live in girlfriend so she doesnt push him away in hopes that one day he will not be able to live without her, and i dont think hell have kids with her ever so not marrying her ensures that since she wants them. we are both too close to the situation to see it for what it is so when she looks for my affirmation i smile and nod. its not my place to tell her she needs to move on but its hard to see it as anything other than a dangled carrot. im concerned because she keeps lying about her age to people, by like 5 years. normal for women her age im sure but even though she wont talk about it i see it as her embarassment for being her age without anything but her career established in her life. maybe im wrong, but since hes already older than her it just makes it seem weird that she claimes to be 13 years younger than him when shes only 7 younger. it crosses that ten year mark. this is a taboo topic in my family because our dad is uncomfortable with it, but im analytical and just want to make informed interactions since were sisters and i cant ignore it when she brings it up.
Ilovehim Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Ah see the tough part about this is that we are strangers to your sister and her boyfriend and do not truly know what goes on in his head. You say they have great communication. Well have they ever talked about this?
White Dove Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 If your sister is worrying about the fact that he still hasn't proposed or if he would marry her then their communication isn't as good as you or she thinks it is.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 She's in a dream situation from my perspective, but no, it's not looking as though he's planning to marry her.
SarahRose Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 He will never marry her. I think she should dump him and move out so she can find someone who wants to get married and have kids before her time runs out.
TaraMaiden Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 absolutly she has brought it up to me. she pretends to love being the live in girlfriend so she doesnt push him away in hopes that one day he will not be able to live without her, and i dont think hell have kids with her ever so not marrying her ensures that since she wants them. we are both too close to the situation to see it for what it is so when she looks for my affirmation i smile and nod. its not my place to tell her she needs to move on but its hard to see it as anything other than a dangled carrot. I'm reminded of part of a poem: "They dance around in a ring, and suppose; But secret sits in the middle - And knows....." This is an elephant in the room for them, isn't it? She won't say anything because she fears she will lose him, and he won't say anything for fear of stirring a hornet's nest.... What a wonderful way to make progress and build a relationship..... im concerned because she keeps lying about her age to people, by like 5 years. normal for women her age im sure You're quite wrong. I have never lied about my age, and I sure as hell don't know any other woman in my circle of relatives/friends/acquaintances/colleagues who ever has either. This is particularly odd.... but even though she wont talk about it i see it as her embarassment for being her age without anything but her career established in her life. "You see it"... forgive me for asking but is this just a presumption on your part? Are you sure that's the reason? Because 'm in my 50's and I've done many things, and gathered stuff under my belt. But I've never had a career. And let me tell you, it's very rare for men - or women - to actually have a career, nowadays. They have qualifications, credentials and experience - but even with all this, most people have 'jobs'. maybe im wrong, but since hes already older than her it just makes it seem weird that she claimes to be 13 years younger than him when shes only 7 younger. it crosses that ten year mark. this is a taboo topic in my family because our dad is uncomfortable with it, but im analytical and just want to make informed interactions since were sisters and i cant ignore it when she brings it up. Someone, somewhere, needs to address these taboos, and open up the can of worms. It's long overdue, but someone's got to bring things to a head. Otherwise, I see a whole lotta years of 'dancing around' to come...... And for what, exactly?
threebyfate Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 Men in their thirties and older are similar to women, in that many of them carry baggage. This guy might be the type that can't shuck his baggage or he might not believe she's "the one" but she's good enough for right now. Either way, I'd be surprised if he ever marries her based on what you've written. If it didn't happen in the first year or year and a half, it's not going to happen.
Major Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 I agree with Hopeful30. When a man is ready to get married, he doesn't need any convincing or coersion. I read somewhere that, "Women marry the man they are in love with. Men marry the woman he is with when he is ready to get married." On the other hand, if it's not a big deal for her, let it be. I know traditional mores dictate one thing, however, it's up to them. Now, if she is holding on to him and living on a wish and a prayer that he will marry her one day...then that's delusional. When a man cherishes a woman to be his wife, he is quick to ensure that he takes her off the market sort of speak. A guy can buy all kinds of trinkets....but trinkets don't equate to him giving her his heart. That's what marriage is about. If she's not stressed or losing herself because of him not marrying her...let them be happy.
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