Am I really supposed to buy this sh*t? LONG

[EmeraldHeart]

Over the weekend I ended things with a coworker I had been seeing because he blew me off big time and I decided it was time to hit the bricks. I guess he actually ended it. I left him a voicemail letting him know that I knew what he was doing. Well, he was acting as though nothing had happened at work and it infuriated me. I decided to write him an email because I knew I couldn't handle talking to him every day and him going on like we are friends or something. I wanted him to know it wasn't appreciated, the way he left things. My email to him:

 

 

When calling in to update, could you please forgo the small talk.

 

I agree that things were not going to work about between us. I don’t have an issue with things being over. What I am upset about is the way you chose to go about it. I thought it was disrespectful and childish, especially seeing as we work together. I really don’t appreciate the small talk and the acting as though nothing happened. You didn’t have enough respect for me to end things appropriately; I really don’t want you asking me how I am and how work is going.

 

I NEVER expected a response back. I figured he was too big of a chicken to break up....he will just read my email and either quit the small talk or ignore what I said. Well, this morning I get the following email from him:

 

i did not want it to end between us. I meant you no disrespect, and I'm sorry if you felt used, that was never my intention. You will find I'am not the best at communicating and my personnal life is still somewhat of a wreck. I enjoyed our time together and I loved being with you, you made me happy to be with somebody again and thats something I haven't felt in a long time. I should have called you on saturday just to keep in touch, but we only had plans for dinner at ****** on sunday. I still care about you and I meant it when i said you are beautiful. Can we try to get along please?

 

This pissed me off even more. Can anyone say, crock of crap! I responded:

 

We, in fact, did not have plans for Sunday. You left everything up in the air. It was not the first time you had done that. When you called Tuesday and tried to make plans in one breathe and then stated the reasons why you possibly couldn't see me in the next breathe..very confusing and that lead up to what just transpired over the weekend. I am just trying to show you where I am coming from. When you answered all of my texts Saturday except for the last one that asked about plans... When you wouldn’t answer either of your phones...When you didn’t call me Sunday to tell me I was wrong after leaving you the voicemail, I knew what was up. You never tried to clear the air. I do believe that is because you had the outcome you wanted and didn't have to get your hands dirty..otherwise, you would have made sure to let me know I was wrong.

 

For me, here is what is boils down to. I don't feel like you were really making much of an effort towards me and getting to know me. When someone has a genuine interest in someone else, they call, they make time in their schedules to see one another. I do understand that I have vehicle issues at the moment, but I don't think that was much of a factor. I have never dated anyone like you….you are very hard to read or was I choosing to ignore the signals you were sending?

 

I didn’t feel like I could call you just whenever to chat…not marathon calls, but just to touch base and let the person know you are thinking about them. You made sure to let me know that you are busy with overtime and whatnot. I do understand that I said I was ok with things going slow, which I was, but that doesn’t mean not talking to one another and not seeing one another. I always take the physical side slow, because that is just me. I enjoyed that between us and was hoping that you were going to get tested, but realized the last time we saw each other, that you probably didn’t have any intention of doing so. I asked you point blank about it and you did not answer. So, I knew that things probably weren’t going to keep on between us.

 

I was hoping it wasn’t going to end the way it did. I told Sarah that I was going to have to speak to you and if things didn’t change or we weren’t on the same page, then I would let you know that it wasn’t working out. It didn’t get that far, but I would have told you, not just ignored you and then act like nothing happened. I have never done that to anyone and I never will.

 

Since you put these things out there....you didn't want it to end? What did you want? You said you should have called Saturday just to keep in touch...why didn't you?

 

So, I don’t see how I am supposed to think anything different than what I am thinking. I am a big girl and yes I am hurt, but I will get over it. I don’t see how it is a big deal to cut out the small talk and just get down to business. I don't see how that is me trying to not get along. I am trying to make things as simple as possible. I hope you can respect that. I didn't expect to hear from you after I sent the email yesterday. I just wanted to let you know how I felt about things at work.

 

Why did I do that? I am probably just feeding his ego. I feel like if I didn't have to deal with him at work....I could let this go more easily. I feel like I have to set the record straight. How do I just ignore him, because we aren't going to see eye to eye on this what does it really matter anyway? I guess my pride is hurt and I want to make myself heard. Don't know.

 

What are your thoughts on his email and how do I get myself to just shut the hell up and let it go?!

Edited June 16, 2010 by EmeraldHeart

[Butterflying]

I think you're response to his reply is way too long. You're a great writer and communicator, that's for sure. But you've made yourself too vulnerable.

 

It also sounds like you're moving too fast. I have been a victim of abandonment in the past. I know how horrible it feels to send someone a text message with a specific question and get no reply. Some guys seem to build you up. Then when it's time to get to the point, they let you down. That is the thing I hate most about dating.

 

When he didn't respond to that text message, it was okay to call him. But calling and texting continuously is too much. I used to do this too. You get anxious and start thinking the more attempts you make, the better. In reality, this makes you appear desperate. It annoys the other person and they might think you are obssessed.

 

I solved this problem by limiting myself to two attempts to communicate. First, I might send an email. Second, I might call to follow up the email. After that, if they still haven't responded; I conclude they don't want to talk to me and I will never hear from them again. And I usually delete all their contact information from my database to ensure that I never contact them again.

 

It never helps to tell the person who has clearly rejected you, what they are doing. They already know what they are doing. Your saying so only confirms their stratagy. And this guy sounds like he gets off on making women crazy over him. So he keeps stringing you along, throwing out little baits like "I didn't want things to end, I enjoyed time with you."

 

Instead of sending that long email reply, you should have said simply said, "Okay. I understand. Just let me know when you want to get together." Then move on with your life. Don't bother contacting him again. This puts the ball in his court and allows you to see if he's interested or not. Don't believe what he says. Believe what he does.

[EmeraldHeart]

Thank you for your response.

 

The night in question (Saturday), I texted him and he immediately got back to me. We had some back and forth. He was supposed to call on Thursday or Friday to confirm plans and didn't. The last text I sent I asked if I "was supposed to call him about possible plans? Did wires get crossed? Not sure what happened." He completely ignored that text and 3 hours later I called to see what was going on. If we were going to see each other over the weekend and he did not answer his phones and so I left him a voicemail that stated the following...well, something like this:

 

Don't worry, I am not going to keep bothering you. I was just calling to confirm what I thought was going on and I just got my confirmation by calling your #'s and you not responding to my text. I would appreciate that when you call in at work to update, that you call me "insert name here". i was hoping that if things didn't work out between us that we could take the mature way about it. Ok, well take it easy and take care. Bye

 

I guess my frustration just got the best of me. I don't know if I jumped the gun. We didn't see each other the weekend before and he has been know to just leave me hanging. It was a build up of the last several weeks that just came to a head on Saturday. The fact that he didn't call me and clarify that I was wrong and I just overreacted tells me I am spot on. I did not text him too much nor did I call too much. I am not nor have I ever been overbearing like that.

 

I am not interested in seeing him anymore and he isn't interested either, otherwise he would have tried to clear the air.

[Ihavenoidea]

You guys work together. If I was in a similar situation I would act like nothing had happened at work as well and make small tallk. Its call PROFESSIONALISM.

 

Man I feel bad for the guy, sorry

[that girl]

I remember your early post about ambivelence and I think the issue probably isn't so much how awful the guy is but that you just aren't a match.

 

You left him an voice message ending things and he didn't even understand that you were done! Neither of you were communicating effectively.

 

You need to remember this guy is someone you work with and keep things professional at this point. You've said your piece.

[DollWelch]

Well, this morning I get the following email from him:

 

i did not want it to end between us. I meant you no disrespect, and I'm sorry if you felt used, that was never my intention. You will find I'am not the best at communicating and my personnal life is still somewhat of a wreck. I enjoyed our time together and I loved being with you, you made me happy to be with somebody again and thats something I haven't felt in a long time. I should have called you on saturday just to keep in touch, but we only had plans for dinner at ****** on sunday. I still care about you and I meant it when i said you are beautiful. Can we try to get along please?

Perfectly sincere e-mail response from him. There is no BS here.

 

I think it was a quite sad misinterpretation on your part. You were expecting something like this:

 

"I did blow you off, only because I had to attend to important matters. If this the way you intend to behave, then I've seen it all. As a matter of fact, I don't think I feel chemistry with you. Good thing you brought this up; now I can move along. See you around the office. Have a nice life!"

 

But he didn't. It's best you leave this man alone. (No offense to you). Go out, date and meet new people.

[Ihavenoidea]

Thank you for your response.

 

i was hoping that if things didn't work out between us that we could take the mature way about it. Ok, well take it easy and take care. Bye

 

 

I think you are the only one not being mature about the situation. Ithink your jusy frustrated because you arent getting the response you want from him, (ie him to act like an ******* so you feel better about whats happening)

[EmeraldHeart]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233989/

 

Looks like it became a self fufilling prophecy. You got the answers you needed on that thread and it still turned out this way.

 

He was attentive to you and you circumvented his efforts. Now you're upset that he isn't making the effort even though you told him NOT to. This poor man doesn't know if he's coming or going and you created that. Try being yourself next time instead of not saying what you want and feel from the get go.

 

And for the record, I believe him. I don't think it's s**t at all.

Well, that thread doesn't tell the entire story. He was never all that attentive and he wanted things on his terms. I believe that was part of the reason I told him no big deal...because he would say one thing and do another. I was trying to protect myself. At times, he really made me feel like I should be thanking him for making time for me. You can never tell the entire story on a forum. I made sure to let him know that I wanted to spend time with him. I also told him how much I enjoyed our recent talks and I was happy that we had the chance to really talk to one another. I thought things were going in a better direction.

 

When looking back on the thread you referred to...I think it was ambivalence on both sides...not just mine.

[EmeraldHeart]

I went back and read through your posts pertaining to this situation. Where I think you went fundamentally wrong was by putting up this "front" to appear easy going and low maintenance, when in reality, you want the same things we all do.

 

In doing so, you created a situation where you told him basically that contact was unimportant to you (you can go weeks without talking to someone, frequent contact is not important to you, all said in response to him contacting you too much), that him treating you was unimportant to you (you always insisted on going dutch and then complained about it here), that his efforts to pick you up were unimportant to you, that you wanted to take things slow (you meant sex but didn't SAY it only related to sex, as a matter of fact you told him this after he wanted to introduce you to his family) ...Do you get that?

 

You have told him the exact opposite of what you want in most cases. I think in a sense you're expecting him to protest which makes you feel MORE wanted that his positive actions alone. But see there are genuine guys out there that do listen and do try to respect your wishes and it seems you found (and lost) one of those.

 

I'm not going to comment on the issues you pointed out that may have brought you to this emotional state or way of being, but it does seem you are doing this more as a defense mechanism. It's like you're afraid of being vulnerable, of being hurt, of loving someone who doesn't love you back. So you come off as independent and self sufficient and not needing what a relationship brings. But inside, you want what a relationship brings so you're going to have to resolve this issue. You're going to have to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to get where you want to be.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying.

[EmeraldHeart]

I think the response she wanted was more like "No, please don't break up with me. I haven't done what I should have done and I'm sorry. Please give me another chance."

 

That actually isn't the response I wanted. I have no desire for anything more to happen between us. I really just didn't want the small talk and I did want to let him know that I was upset by what happened. This was not the first time he blew me off in a big way.

 

Once again, the whole story isn't getting told. My roommate has seen the whole thing unfold and while she does agree that me trying to be low maintenance didn't help the situation....she has also seen the way he has been with me and how would say one thing and do another.

 

I wish I didn't respond back to his email. I do let my emotions get the best of me and instead of taking a step back and letting myself process things....I react immediately.

 

I don't plan to do anything more than be professional with him. I have always been professional with him this hasn't changed that.

[EmeraldHeart]

He asked me to meet his family on the phone before we even set up the first date.

 

I did let him pick me up and I only stated 2 times that I didn't want him to go out of his way. I wasn't stating it constantly. I always made an effort to see him...even borrowing my roommates car to see him or waiting almost 2 hours for him after work to see him. I did call him and text him. I suggested things to do. It isn't like I just sat around waiting for him to do everything. He made a habit of telling me...I will call you and then doesn't. I will text you and then doesn't.

 

We aren't/weren't compatible and it all doesn't fall on my shoulders....although I do take my share of the blame. I am just hurt and have been venting to strangers so I can hopefully move on from this and learn from my mistakes. Believe me, I feel like a fool and I am embarrassed by the last email I sent him. It is going to be hard to deal with him at work after sending that last email.

[EmeraldHeart]

Well, you're the one telling the story. It's not like we're listening to HIM and not giving you a chance to tell your side. This IS your side.

 

Don't beat yourself up about the last email. Yeah it was too lengthy and had too much detail. So what...he'll just be glad that another one isn't following. I have a feeling he'll be happy if you're just pleasant and professional towards him.

 

There is too much to tell and no point to it. It is over so....

 

There is no reason to feel sorry for him. We BOTH created the current situation.

[sigurpol]

Don't mean to rub salt in the wound. Just voicing.

 

After reading the other topic, and all of this.. really left me confused.

 

Perhaps his behavior reflects those "confused" feelings of his. I mean, being "shot down" in the beginning and having to change your routine behavior for someone.. then for expectations on your end to kinda change. And not just minimal changes.. going from how he calls a lot, wanting to meet is parents, etc to being told "I can go weeks without talking to someone". It's a blow to the psyche and leaves you unsure. Nothing, after the back-n-forth game, seems to be correct.

 

I'm not babysitting his emotions, and I'm not trying to attack you.. however the second email really wasn't necessary. I feel it's super important to keep your personal and emotional feelings at home, and don't **** where you eat.

 

I feel, yes, he did know this was all coming to him. He did know that things were becoming murky and let them fizzle out the way they did and leaving that chapter as a gap. Of course that would upset you. Nothing was addressed.

 

BUT there is a way to address things. Writing combative emails is not one of them. I do agree with your frustrations, however I feel his email is genuine and he wanted to patch things up for the BOTH of you. I don't see any game play on his end through that email.

 

Either way, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Try to let it blow over.