BeccaBear Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 So Confused!!! Need outside opinions please... LDR and Open Relationship About 5 months ago my high school sweetheart and I re-connected on a romantic level. We have stayed in touch over the 10 years since we graduated and were friends and other than the occasional date we had not dated in over 10 years. 5 months ago we started talking again. He relocated from our hometown and moved 800 miles away for work. We thought it was going to be casual being we live so far away from each other. He visited me and then I went out for a week and visited him. It was incredible, our connection was so strong and every aspect was amazing. We sat up all night on many of the nights and talked about what we wanted out of life, goals, feelings, and our situation. We both agreed that the potential for "happily ever after" was there and that we wanted to try. We have been both traveling back and forth, seeing eachother about every 2-3 weeks and talk every day. Most of our conversations are about the future, getting married, having children, etc, etc, etc. Most of my friends who know the situation think its a fairytale because he is being so open, honest and positive about the future and we havent dated that long this time around but do have a long history. We have been making plans for the future, booking trips, vacations, etc. I have a child from my previous marriage and he is looking forward to meeting her, doesnt have any issues with it and talks about loving her the same in the future as any children we might have. Here's the problem... As amazing as he is with what he says and how much he makes me feel like he loves me and has decided in his mind that I am "the one" he refuses to commit to an exclusive relationship. I have explained to him how much this bothers me and that to me it feels like cheating because he talks about getting married and "our" future however then I know he is dating. He states that he is not "connecting" or "getting attached" to anyone else and I am the only one he wants to be serious with but that being we are so far apart he just cant become exclusive. Since we do speak everyday and see eachtother and are intimate for several days together every 2-3 weeks I really cant understand the need for "physical" when its not that long between visits. What does this mean? Should I be ok with it? Should I give it time? I know how I feel about him and I couldnt go and be with anyone else because it would hurt to much even though its hard being alone since he is so far away. It hurts that he can which makes me feel like he doesnt feel the same but then he says things that would totally make you think he is head over heels and wants to settle down... Im so confused.
CLC2008 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 So Confused!!! Need outside opinions please... LDR and Open Relationship About 5 months ago my high school sweetheart and I re-connected on a romantic level. We have stayed in touch over the 10 years since we graduated and were friends and other than the occasional date we had not dated in over 10 years. 5 months ago we started talking again. He relocated from our hometown and moved 800 miles away for work. We thought it was going to be casual being we live so far away from each other. He visited me and then I went out for a week and visited him. It was incredible, our connection was so strong and every aspect was amazing. We sat up all night on many of the nights and talked about what we wanted out of life, goals, feelings, and our situation. We both agreed that the potential for "happily ever after" was there and that we wanted to try. We have been both traveling back and forth, seeing eachother about every 2-3 weeks and talk every day. Most of our conversations are about the future, getting married, having children, etc, etc, etc. Most of my friends who know the situation think its a fairytale because he is being so open, honest and positive about the future and we havent dated that long this time around but do have a long history. We have been making plans for the future, booking trips, vacations, etc. I have a child from my previous marriage and he is looking forward to meeting her, doesnt have any issues with it and talks about loving her the same in the future as any children we might have. Here's the problem... As amazing as he is with what he says and how much he makes me feel like he loves me and has decided in his mind that I am "the one" he refuses to commit to an exclusive relationship. I have explained to him how much this bothers me and that to me it feels like cheating because he talks about getting married and "our" future however then I know he is dating. He states that he is not "connecting" or "getting attached" to anyone else and I am the only one he wants to be serious with but that being we are so far apart he just cant become exclusive. Since we do speak everyday and see eachtother and are intimate for several days together every 2-3 weeks I really cant understand the need for "physical" when its not that long between visits. What does this mean? Should I be ok with it? Should I give it time? I know how I feel about him and I couldnt go and be with anyone else because it would hurt to much even though its hard being alone since he is so far away. It hurts that he can which makes me feel like he doesnt feel the same but then he says things that would totally make you think he is head over heels and wants to settle down... Im so confused. If you're into open relationships, then do it. Otherwise....
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 What does this mean? Should I be ok with it? Should I give it time? I know how I feel about him and I couldnt go and be with anyone else because it would hurt to much even though its hard being alone since he is so far away. It hurts that he can which makes me feel like he doesnt feel the same but then he says things that would totally make you think he is head over heels and wants to settle down... Im so confused. It means he is willing to say things that will make you 1.)keep having sex with him and 2.) keep giving him "whatever enjoyment" he currently derives from this situation. Has he said, "I love you" ? Has he said, "Move to my city" ? Has he said, "Will you marry me?" I'm sorry but I do not think he is sincere.
Serenitynow Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Why are there no gullible women around me ? I cant even put into words how irritating it is see women whine over losers like this guy. This situation once again proves how so many women are addicted to fixing guys the way they want them. I guess it would be too smart to just leave him, no lets stay with him while he bangs other girls, I'll change him after awhile.
NicePlay Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 This means nothing other than he is using you as a backup, but lowering commitment unless he finds someone better. He may even be doing this subconciously. It's funny how everyone is blind to this situation when they are in it (I have been before) but to any outside observer it's apparent. This is more typical behavior in women, but it can go both ways. If you are comfortable with this, go for it. You have become an option as opposed to a priority. If you want something long term, move on.
sagetalk Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Here's the problem... As amazing as he is with what he says and how much he makes me feel like he loves me and has decided in his mind that I am "the one" he refuses to commit to an exclusive relationship. I have explained to him how much this bothers me and that to me it feels like cheating because he talks about getting married and "our" future however then I know he is dating. He states that he is not "connecting" or "getting attached" to anyone else and I am the only one he wants to be serious with but that being we are so far apart he just cant become exclusive. Since we do speak everyday and see eachtother and are intimate for several days together every 2-3 weeks I really cant understand the need for "physical" when its not that long between visits. These are the kind of guys that win in the dating world. These are the kind of guys I've tried to describe and warn about but could not. I cannot stand men like this, they disgust me to no end. I don't know what makes me more angry, the fact that what he is doing works, or the fact that he would be low enough to do it. It makes me glad when I die I'm going to a better place then this crazy, messed up world that we live.
ADF Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 It means he is willing to say things that will make you 1.)keep having sex with him and 2.) keep giving him "whatever enjoyment" he currently derives from this situation. Ding-ding-ding! Right answer! But what is so frustrating is that this man is so OBVIOUSLY a cad. It is not like he is good at hiding it or anything. I am stunned, utterly stunned, at how many smart, decent, good-natured women put up with nonsense like this.
Serenitynow Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I am stunned, utterly stunned, at how many smart, decent, good-natured women put up with nonsense like this. These are the kind of guys I've tried to describe and warn about but could not. I cannot stand men like this, they disgust me to no end. I cant even put into words how irritating it is see women whine over losers like this guy. This situation once again proves how so many women are addicted to fixing guys the way they want them. No matter how much we try to get it to sink in, women will always go for that type of guy. That type of guy has what attracts women. We dont know why, we never will know why, but guys that act like him get the women, and the guys that act like us trying to explain it, get nothing. Women will never learn, as the same posts keep appearing over and over from women on this forum.
Serenitynow Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Men responding to this post...enlighten me as to what I'm missing (based on what I pointed out here). I could use the education! Do you really think you are going to listen to us ? Put yourself in her shoes. YOU like a guy, he tells you he wants a future with you, but dates other women (maybe even is physical with them) What dont you understand ? OR are you saying its ok to sleep with a guy, while he dates other women ? .
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Female here.. Tell this loser to get lost! DO NOT SETTLE. Just because you love him doesn't mean you two are right for one another. Listen to him when he tells you he wants to date other people. Nothing is going to stop him from doing that. I give him props that atleast he's being honest with you and not lying to you by cheating behind your back. Seems you can't handle an open relationship, rightfully so! NOONE should be forced to accept that unless they are OK with it. You're not. Sadly, there's one choice here.. End it and grieve him, let yourself heal. He can't be the man you want him to be. If you stay, he'll hurt you, kill your heart and you'll settle for table scraps, have to share him with other women... And possibly catch a STD from him.
NoIDidn't Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I had an ex say something like this before. He had stood me up for a date, but showed up later and wanted to talk. While we were speaking, after I expressed my displeasure at being stood up, he told me he wanted to see other people. I told him I figured that was what he was doing and told him, it was either just me or just them. He wanted both. We parted ways. I would never stay around for this. If they do this before a "commitment", trust that this is the way it will ALWAYS be with this type. You shouldn't accept him "dating" when you want exclusivity.
Hopeful30 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 In other words, he is saying "I want to see other people but I love you too much to dump you."
ADF Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I just really don't think it's fair to shout "jerk" about this guy because he isn't settling down right now. She has the option of accepting it and seeing where it goes (knowing that there are risks involved) or walking away. It seems fairly simple to me. I also think that if she was posting all the above but instead of him telling her where he stood on this, he made her promises and then broke them, you'd be saying "Well if he'd been honest, that would have been a different story". This goes far beyond not wanting to settle down. He knows this woman wants a monogamous. LTR. That is her ideal. It is not his. But instead of recognizing their incompatibility, he keeps stringing her along. That's just jerk behavior.
txsilkysmoothe Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I posted my questions for the OP in an effort to determine if he is leading her on or she is hearing what she wants to believe. They dated in high school, kept in touch for 10 years after HS, and IMO, if he doesn't know that she is what he wants and is willing to commit NOW, long distance or not, he will never know. Also, if a man isn't ready or looking for the "one," it isn't fair for him to tell a woman she is the "one." If a man isn't ready to marry, he shouldn't be discussng marriage plans with a woman. If a man isn't ready to have children, he shouldn't be discussing having children with a woman. Given the variety of "talking" about the future, it seems there should have been some discussion about where, how and when they will be living in the same city. OP didn't mention that....?
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