depressive condition drives me nuts (rant/observations/etc)

[yes]

every x months, a go through a 'down' - i.e. a period of questioning everything and wishing to just fall asleep and never wake up (including physical pain of disappointment right after waking up). i'm dealing with it better each time, but what bugs me to death is that i KNOW it's just a phase during it, but it doesn't go through - i still feel suicidal, etc every time it happens. it's like there's a part of me that's saying "oh, silly, it's all minor stuff, just give it a week and you'll be back on track" and another part is saying "but no, life has no purpose, i can't do this anymore, i give up, what's the point of tolerating this, oh but what about my parents, but no ...".

 

strangely, when i'm talking to someone (even if complaining), it's the first part that jumps out and says (out loud) "i'm feeling like s***, but i know it's just a phase, it's just a few bad experiences overlapping". but once i'm alone, the second part of me kicks in and begins to plot getting sick and dying, making me sit in a corner and sulk.

 

what's especially bad is that the part of me that knows it's all just a phase realizes that it's affecting my studies in the worst possible way (cmon, what studying can you do when you're contemplating death), but it's still not strong enough to shut out the other side of me ... and so i lose hours, - no, whole days! - to being a human shadow...

 

-yes

[moimeme]

You could actually have a disorder. There is one which would fit what you describe (its name escapes my not-yet-fed brain). It might be worth speaking to a doc about; particularly if the down times start to become compelling.

 

Often, these things are easier to turn around if dealt with early on. If they persist for years, they can worsen and be harder to treat.

[yes]

thanks for yet another quick reply, moimeme!

 

hmm, i will mention this to my doc next time i see her. it was really bad once (i was spent like five hours in a coffee shop, just trying to decide what to do next) - i went to her then, and she said to give it a few weeks, and of course a few weeks later i was past it. i'll tell her it's a recurring thing, next time.

 

hm, but my counselor/therapist knows it's a recurrent thing, but she didn't mention meds or anything.

 

also, my father says that he was similar to this when he was my age (which is somewhat comforting to hear) ... i wonder if it's a genetically transmitted disorder ... he got better over the years, but not too much better.

 

-yes

 

PS i've been like this for years (at least five or so) ... i guess that qualifies as quite a long time.

[stranger]

It sounds like bipolar disorder (manic-depression).

[moimeme]

There's a sort-of-related but less serious type of cyclical depression, actually.

[yes]

i will definitely mention it to my doctor, thanks. i'm afraid i'm going to end up needling life-long therapy though...

 

-yes

[moimeme]

Hey, Woody Allen got famous because of that!

[yes]

he got famous because he needed a lot of therapy??

 

-yes

[moimeme]

He has made his lifetime of therapy one of his running jokes. As for whether the one caused the other - I don't know him to ask him but anything's possible.

[Aonz]

Originally posted by yes

every x months, a go through a 'down' - i.e. a period of questioning everything and wishing to just fall asleep and never wake up (including physical pain of disappointment right after waking up). i'm dealing with it better each time, but what bugs me to death is that i KNOW it's just a phase during it, but it doesn't go through - i still feel suicidal, etc every time it happens. it's like there's a part of me that's saying "oh, silly, it's all minor stuff, just give it a week and you'll be back on track" and another part is saying "but no, life has no purpose, i can't do this anymore, i give up, what's the point of tolerating this, oh but what about my parents, but no ...".

 

strangely, when i'm talking to someone (even if complaining), it's the first part that jumps out and says (out loud) "i'm feeling like s***, but i know it's just a phase, it's just a few bad experiences overlapping". but once i'm alone, the second part of me kicks in and begins to plot getting sick and dying, making me sit in a corner and sulk.

 

what's especially bad is that the part of me that knows it's all just a phase realizes that it's affecting my studies in the worst possible way (cmon, what studying can you do when you're contemplating death), but it's still not strong enough to shut out the other side of me ... and so i lose hours, - no, whole days! - to being a human shadow...

 

I feel the same most of the time.

[InvinoVeritas]

I go through the same thing. I was on Zoloft and that took care of it. I'm now off the Zoloft(to hell with not having insurance). Talk to your doctor about a medication. Ask her about Zoloft.

[moimeme]

That's the thing - there are drugs which kick your chemistry back into sync so it's worth getting yourself to a doctor to get them.

[brashgal]

I second going on meds for awhile. I was on them a couple of years ago and once off, the effects lasted although occasionally I wonder if I should go back on them. It is not a foregone conclusion you need to be on them for life - the doctor explained to me that many people just need a little help getting their chemicals back in balance and then the body takes over and continues to produce what you are missing.

 

Although he did say some folks need them for life.

 

Still beats the alternative...

[yes]

thanks guys - i feel better knowing others have gone through this and lived

 

i will definitely mention it to my doc. i'm also in therapy. i'm also trying to relax and chill out even though it's my last term of studies, so i gotta focus on graduating.

 

-yes

[Clancy]

Yes, I go through a cycle like you speak about but it's not as bad for me as it sounds for you. One of the suggestions I have for you is to make up a chart on which, for each day,you identify the various elements of your life: what you ate, what the weather is like, what the moon is doing, whether it's sunny/rainy, etc., any medications you've taken, work or school pressures, and most importantly your mood and intensity of feelings ( high/up or low/down or medium/even )

 

Then after a couple of months you might want to try to correlate and even chart the info in hopes of identifying a pattern that might explain your cycles.

 

I haven't done that because I'm an incredible procrastinator and I feel fine now so there's no urgency but I should really. I suspect that the moon may have a big influence over me.

 

Hope you manage to feel better.

[SoleMate]

Forget Woody Allen. He has been in Freudian psychoanalysis for decades, and he's even more screwed up than when he started. Freud was a major BS artist and it sickens me that people are still taking his crapola seriously. Modern, science-based therapy should involve meds, and some limited talk therapy based on cognitive techniques. These do not delve into your unconscious or childhood, but look at your current thought patterns and help identify places where you have automatic negative thoughts, then coach you to correct them.

Example situation: A person alone at home on Sunday afternoon. Negative thought: I'm worthless and no one will ever be with me again. People are avoiding me. Result: depression. Corrected thought: I tried to call three people this morning, but none answered. I guess they're already out doing something. Next time, I should call the day before so we have a chance to make plans.

[moimeme]

That assumes that all problems are caused by automatic negative thoughts. They are not, which is where cognitive therapy can only be so useful. It's not the ultimate panacea.

[Thinkalot]

My personal experience is that therapy AND drugs combined can be a very big help. That's my current approach anyway, and it's working, slowly but surely, for me.

 

Hope you can get a handle on controlling your down times better soon yes, then you can be happier ALL the time. Sending you my best wishes.

[yes]

i am slowly doing better, thanks. best wishes to u too, thinkalot!

 

those of you who have been on zoloft and such, - what is the difference between these pills and regular calming pills such as valeriana?

 

to solemate: pure talk-therapy can be great. looking into unconscious elements or tapping the childhood for explanations are great techniques - if a person understands where their complexes come from, it's easier to deal with them (at least it is for me, i've been in freudian-style therapy).

 

-yes

[yes]

i've tried this negative thoughts correction, and it didn't work for me very well. using your e.g.:

 

Corrected thought: I tried to call three people this morning, but none answered. I guess they're already out doing something. Next time, I should call the day before so we have a chance to make plans.

 

My next thought: but if they wanted to see me, they'd call and invite me to whatever it is they're doing right now. Oh, but perhaps something happened to them. Then, if they'd consider me a good friend, they'd call to complain. Etc.

 

-yes

[brashgal]

I've never taken valeriana. I didn't feel anxious most of the time, just depressed. I had tried St John's Wort and SAM-E but they didn't seem to make enough of a difference for me. I was having thoughts that my kids would be better off without me around which is what prompted me to try antidepressants. Even in my depressed state I knew their father raising them himself was not the best solution, they needed me.

 

I guess the best way to describe how I felt on medication was that it took the edge off, I didn't continue to cascade downward when I encountered something that would depress me, I'd realize that I was sad but that it would pass. Less drama, more normal interactions with others. I also used to get quite angry along with the depression when not on meds, it also took the edge off that. I recently read somewhere that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm - not sure if it's true but it is an interesting concept to me since I could be both.

[Aonz]

Originally posted by yes i still feel suicidal

 

"A permanent solution to a temporary problem" - the words of the wise?

 

To shake off this mortal coil,

To step up to God and to spit in his face,

To make the final decision, the only one that cannot be undone.

Knowing that it might be a terrible mistake, a Faustian mistake, a bargain with the devil.

A voluntary step into something unknown.

Emptyness?

Heaven?

Hell?