hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hey Guys, so I've not been about on here much, I try not to post to much as it does bring things to the surface but I do look in every couple of days and I've been quite good lately with pushing him to the back of my mind and I'm trying hard to stay busy and focused. My new job is going great and it has helped not having so many triggers everyday, although I'm still with the same company but a different office (one he doesn't visit very often) so nothing reminds me of him and as far as I'm aware know one in my new office knows about us and probably don't know him. So to the quick update....Last Friday I bumped into one of my old bosses, he works the same place but different office, we have been friends for a long time, way before I met xMM but xMM is also friends with him. He also knew about xMM and I almost from the beginning and has always been supportive to both of us, never judged if you know what I mean..... Anyway we said Hi and all the usual stuff when two people haven't seen each other in a while and then the 'bombshell'....he was like 'hows xMM? you two still in lurrve?' I almost burst into tears there and then, right in the middle of the office!!! It took me by surprise I guess, I haven't really spoken about him much, although he's there in my head and heart still, I thought I was doing quite well. So Friday was quite a bad night for me but I picked myself up on Saturday and just put it down to another trigger I have overcome. Fast forward to today and the reason I am asking for advice.... I checked his work calendar today (something I still do most days), and 'WHAM' he is coming to my office tomorrow!!! Now I have no idea if he knows I am working there or if he has spoken to my old boss but it seems odd that he very rarley comes to the office I work at now (part of the reason I took the position) but has an appointment the week after my old boss saw me. The last thing he said to me was 'I'll give him a ring' and I was just like 'yeah' and then went into my meeting before I completely fell apart. I've probably missed loads out but I'm really worried how I will react if he walks into my office tomorrow, I was shaking and felt sick to my stomach when I saw his calendar. Not sure why I am so worried. Guess I have read on here how some of the WH's actually blame the OW and once the 'fog' has cleared almost 'hate' them.....I know (as he does) that his W lied about the things that was said between me and her the first & second time we spoke, she made out I'd been cruel but actually I had only answered her questioned, which he later told her if she didn't want to hear the truth from me then don't ask the question. The last contact I had was when she rang my house in a state (we had been NC for almost 2 wks at my request) again I answered her questions for an hour then xMM rang to tell me she had taken an OD after her conversation with me....again they broke NC not me but it sounded like he blamed me so I have no idea what she has told him I said or if indeed he does blame me. I am so not looking forward to tomorrow.......
ladydesigner Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Oh sweetie hold your head high and be the wonderful woman that you are. Hopefully you two won't run into each other. I am sure he does not hate you. His wife's behavior is exactly that her behavior. You did not cause her to od. She is a grown woman. Just keep on with moving forward and don't let this set you back one bit;) You are fabulous and are much better off without your XMM and the craziness that comes with him. Glad to see you back and hope all goes well tomorrow. Maybe you can step out of the office when he comes in and just avoid him at all costs. Much love to you!
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Oh sweetie hold your head high and be the wonderful woman that you are. Hopefully you two won't run into each other. I am sure he does not hate you. His wife's behavior is exactly that her behavior. You did not cause her to od. She is a grown woman. Just keep on with moving forward and don't let this set you back one bit;) You are fabulous and are much better off without your XMM and the craziness that comes with him. Glad to see you back and hope all goes well tomorrow. Maybe you can step out of the office when he comes in and just avoid him at all costs. Much love to you! Oh hunny thank you:o Yes I will keep moving forward, my biggest fear is how I will react when/if I bump into him as no one at my office as far as I am aware knows about us and if I suddenly go all tearful people will ask questions.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I checked his work calendar today (something I still do most days), and 'WHAM' he is coming to my office tomorrow!!! Call in sick. You're nowhere ready to face him. Fact that xMM's friend set you off and you nearly lost it in front of everyone in your workplace, just shows you can't handle seeing him, let alone having a conversation with him.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Call in sick. You're nowhere ready to face him. Fact that xMM's friend set you off and you nearly lost it in front of everyone in your workplace, just shows you can't handle seeing him, let alone having a conversation with him. I have done this previously when I knew he was coming into my old office and also used up countless holiday days but I am at a new office, fresh start and am having to work hard to prove myself so phoning in sick isn't an option. I am hoping that if/when I do see him my 'brave face' will kick in. I always knew at some stage we would bump into eachother but kind of hoped it would be a long way off I guess.
jthorne Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Call in sick. You're nowhere ready to face him. Fact that xMM's friend set you off and you nearly lost it in front of everyone in your workplace, just shows you can't handle seeing him, let alone having a conversation with him.I'm going to have to respectfully disagree here. It's time to put on the big girl panties and suck it up. If I remember correctly, H4U had the habit of calling in sick or taking vacation or whatever in her last position when xMM came around. She's in a new place, with a new start, and needs to take advantage of it. She can't hide from him any longer. Plus, if she keeps calling in on days he's there, someone's gonna notice eventually. This is an opportunity for you to take a big step in your healing, H4U. You can do it.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree here. It's time to put on the big girl panties and suck it up. If I remember correctly, H4U had the habit of calling in sick or taking vacation or whatever in her last position when xMM came around. She's in a new place, with a new start, and needs to take advantage of it. She can't hide from him any longer. Plus, if she keeps calling in on days he's there, someone's gonna notice eventually. This is an opportunity for you to take a big step in your healing, H4U. You can do it. Yeah you are right I did make all sorts of excuses at my last office to 'not be there' if he was around and my old boss was very good as I had to tell him everything because of the mess I was so no I will not do the same again, I will not let him ruin my future. I know this is going to be a huge step if/when I see him and like I said I am hoping my 'brave face' will carry me through and maybe its not a bad thing that I can't get out of this, maybe this is just what I need to take my next step in MY healing....just maybe:o
jj33 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I agree with J Thorne go in. If you work in open plan just keep your head down and do your work. If he comes over to say hello just say hello excuse me I have a lot of work to do and get back to your work. You can do this.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I agree with J Thorne go in. If you work in open plan just keep your head down and do your work. If he comes over to say hello just say hello excuse me I have a lot of work to do and get back to your work. You can do this. Yes it is an open plan office but I work at one end (near the door) and yes I will keep my head down, he has no reason to come and talk to me and tbh I don't think he has the balls either!! If i'm honest I kind of kick myself for getting so worked up about it but thats easy to say sitting on my sofa, come tomorrow I won't have LS to pore my feelings out to......
awkward Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Now I have no idea if he knows I am working there or if he has spoken to my old boss but it seems odd that he very rarley comes to the office I work at now (part of the reason I took the position) but has an appointment the week after my old boss saw me. It is probably not related to you speaking with your old boss. If he wanted to see you or even engineer an accidental meeting, he probably could have found out which office you moved to. Does he have a legitimate reason to be at your office?
jj33 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I appreciate how you feel whenever i see xMM he i keep my distance often he will either come over to me when I am talking to others or call out to me that xyz wants to say hello as I am passing by. So I say my hellos and excuse myself. You do what you have to do.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 It is probably not related to you speaking with your old boss. If he wanted to see you or even engineer an accidental meeting, he probably could have found out which office you moved to. Does he have a legitimate reason to be at your office? I don't know if he has to come to my new office or not. He works all over the company with all different depts so yes he probably needs to see someone. I am maybe making his visit more than what it is but its the first time I could see him for almost 4 months NC and yes I am worried it could put me right back where I started and I truly do not want to go back there. It has taken me so long to get where I am now and I still have so far to go....I still drink way to much just to sleep at night, I still cry most nights when I fall asleep and I still can't listen to any music that reminds me of him without filling up!!
awkward Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 ^^^ I totally get that. Just do the best you can to get through it and post here. ((hopeless))
norajane Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe it's time to find your anger instead of wallowing in grief. Anger will keep you strong enough to get through anything. You have nothing to say to him, and nothing you want him to say, so giving him the cold shoulder would be the best thing. Find your anger.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I appreciate how you feel whenever i see xMM he i keep my distance often he will either come over to me when I am talking to others or call out to me that xyz wants to say hello as I am passing by. So I say my hellos and excuse myself. You do what you have to do. I am hoping tbh jj that he is to ashamed of the way he treated me at the end to even look at me, he had no reason to break NC and speak to me like his W taking the OD was my fault. He always knew I would walk away (and I did) if he decided to stay and work on his M....thats what hurts me still, not him staying just how he treated me.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 ^^^ I totally get that. Just do the best you can to get through it and post here. ((hopeless)) Thanks for the hugs awkward, I will do my best and no doubt be posting tomorrow:o
Author hopeless4u Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Maybe it's time to find your anger instead of wallowing in grief. Anger will keep you strong enough to get through anything. You have nothing to say to him, and nothing you want him to say, so giving him the cold shoulder would be the best thing. Find your anger. hey nora, thank you for your reply. I have been angry and was for a long time but it was making me bitter and nasty and thats just not me. Don't get me wrong I still have anger about how he treated me but I made this choice, Its not all him and I have to accept that. You are right I don't have anything to say to him but being angry after so long only hurts me and I need to move to the next step of my healing and maybe seeing him is just that...the next step...I hope:o
Hazyhead Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Hey H4U! I'm on my phone so can't reply in detail but just wanted to give you some encouragement - you CAN do this. Don't seek him out; remain your gracious self; if there is contact be respectful (even if this is false) and keep it to a minimum. I think norajane is right, too; anger really helps. Don't let it eat you though, channel it. For me, I go and kick the sh*t out of the air in body combat and boxercise... (Ooh, you know, if xMM did ever mess me around again... ) The anger subsides and I feel like I'm moving into indifference - SO much better Anyway, sweetie, you can do this. It's one day, get through it and use it to force more healing. Chin up chicken xxx
fooled once Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I'm going to have to respectfully disagree here. It's time to put on the big girl panties and suck it up. If I remember correctly, H4U had the habit of calling in sick or taking vacation or whatever in her last position when xMM came around. She's in a new place, with a new start, and needs to take advantage of it. She can't hide from him any longer. Plus, if she keeps calling in on days he's there, someone's gonna notice eventually. This is an opportunity for you to take a big step in your healing, H4U. You can do it. Ditto jthorne! Also -- I am going to give you some advice/tough love -- QUIT looking at his calendar. It is just a way for you to stay connected to him. STOP doing that. Let life HAPPEN without preplanning things. Right now, you are a jumbled mess because of what is on his calendar...you are wasting LIFE by worrying about this. (hug) I don't mean to sound harsh, but enough now. Stay strong, remember the crappy treatment and just be professional if you see him - nod and move on. Good luck
pureinheart Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Call in sick. You're nowhere ready to face him. Fact that xMM's friend set you off and you nearly lost it in front of everyone in your workplace, just shows you can't handle seeing him, let alone having a conversation with him. This struck me very funny WWIU ...straight up and to the point. I agree, after all she's gone through, one encounter could mean a bunch of steps back
joey66 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) hey nora, thank you for your reply. I have been angry and was for a long time but it was making me bitter and nasty and thats just not me. Don't get me wrong I still have anger about how he treated me but I made this choice, Its not all him and I have to accept that. You are right I don't have anything to say to him but being angry after so long only hurts me and I need to move to the next step of my healing and maybe seeing him is just that...the next step...I hope:o h4u - I know exactly how you feel. For the longest time, seeing MW caused me to break down. I'd get to feeling better, then I'd see her and go right back to the place I started. I agree with norajane - it's time to find your b*tch pants! I think anger will help you heal. But I know that's easier to say than it is to do. But try this much. When he's around, feign indifference. Hold your head up and be the happiest, most well-adjusted person in the room. Let him see that you are doing fine without him, even if you are not. (You can break down later if you need to.) I know it will be hard, but you'll feel much better about yourself. And he will wonder why he ever let such an attractive woman get away. It will give you the power. Sending you strength. (((((h4u))))) Edited June 17, 2010 by joey66 content
TinaniT Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Oh dear, I know I'm a stranger but for what it's worth, sending strength and support your way.
Author hopeless4u Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Hey H4U! I'm on my phone so can't reply in detail but just wanted to give you some encouragement - you CAN do this. Don't seek him out; remain your gracious self; if there is contact be respectful (even if this is false) and keep it to a minimum. I think norajane is right, too; anger really helps. Don't let it eat you though, channel it. For me, I go and kick the sh*t out of the air in body combat and boxercise... (Ooh, you know, if xMM did ever mess me around again... ) The anger subsides and I feel like I'm moving into indifference - SO much better Anyway, sweetie, you can do this. It's one day, get through it and use it to force more healing. Chin up chicken xxx Hey Hazy, thank you, I read your post last night but my laptop crashed....i'm sure sometimes its posessed as it was xMM's!!! I will update once I've said my thank yous to my replies as well you know I'm not the best at replying:o xxxx
Author hopeless4u Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 Ditto jthorne! Also -- I am going to give you some advice/tough love -- QUIT looking at his calendar. It is just a way for you to stay connected to him. STOP doing that. Let life HAPPEN without preplanning things. Right now, you are a jumbled mess because of what is on his calendar...you are wasting LIFE by worrying about this. (hug) I don't mean to sound harsh, but enough now. Stay strong, remember the crappy treatment and just be professional if you see him - nod and move on. Good luck Yes FO, as always you are right!! One of my biggest downfalls is I don't like to be unprepared and even more so at work!! Thank you for sticking with me!! xx
Author hopeless4u Posted June 17, 2010 Author Posted June 17, 2010 This struck me very funny WWIU ...straight up and to the point. I agree, after all she's gone through, one encounter could mean a bunch of steps back This time I had no choice but to face my demons PIH, I won't let him ruin my future at work, he's already broke my heart but my job is something I have always loved and I won't let him take that from me....
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