romango Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 don't be his secret - that's not a healthy way for YOU to want to live.. you deserve more than that. Out of curiosity, why does she deserve more than that? 1
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 6 weeks in, isn't that awfully soon? If a marriage is going to be destroyed and the life of children turned upside down shouldn't the spouse and OW know for sure this is what they want? Also, if my hubby told me that he was unhappy in the marriage, but is leaving on a Friday for the whole evening I would be quite suspicious. Revelations might come to light after your special evening. any woman with half a brain would have him professionally followed... getting evidence. i wouldn't put it past his W. i hope the OP understands how risky a fun night out all night with a MM can be.
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Out of curiosity, why does she deserve more than that? she's young, has a future ahead that has a chance at happiness... and is choosing to believe what her MM is telling her. she does deserve the best for her life.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 You have hope..He's given you that by giving you a real good story, telling you stuff about his wife, their marriage.. I doubt very much any of is 100% of it true. MM (and MW's) exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best. Remember, your MM is skilled liar. He's fooled his wife, been able to sneak off and have an affair, continually lying to her and to his kids. PLEASE don't fool yourself into believing he hasn't white lied/omitted truths to you. Also, if he was so unhappy before he met you, he would have no problem packing up and leaving now. People who want OUT of their marriages, make it happen as quickly and painlessly as possible. Sorry to say this, but I think your MM has you roped, he has no intention of leaving. He wants an affair, someone on the side to meet his selfish needs, make him feel young and special, needed.. He wants to stay married, so he can live the life he created with his wife, keep the house, the kids under one roof and all the meanwhile having his cake and eating it too. I dont' believe he has stopped having sex with her either.. He's just told what you've wanted to hear.
scatterd Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 As soon as he stays on Friday it will be known.His wife needs to know so she can find someone that wont cheat on her.If you get the prize he will do it to you he is not handling this right if he wanted out he should have told her.He and her might not even break up. (if he wanted out so bad he would have left).Allot of men have the same lines such as they are not sleeping together that your the only one or we are soul mates.We have read it many times.I would get out before all the catching starts it could end up that he tells his wife it was all your doing also.You know hes a cheater and your relationship has been based on lies how would you ever be able to trust?I hope you listen to everyone they have all been there in one way or another.Good luck
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Out of curiosity, why does she deserve more than that? She deserves to be with a man with less baggage, be with a man who will love ONLY her and isn't a known cheater. She deserves an honest start to a good relationship. An affair that breaks up a family and then a MM starts a new life with the OW has alot of X's against them. You think HIS kids are going to accept her as their stepmom? And, she's young, wants to have children of her own. What if the snip reversal doesn't work? What if he changes his mind and decides he wants no more children. She deserves a chance at real love with someone who can give her everything, not be with someone who's already married, has kids and a life built already.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 he told his wife he was unhappy Again, just my 2 cents, but I don't think he has even spoken to his wife. He's happy, he's got two women now so he is going to do whatever he can to keep things as they are, even if that means lying to the OP, giving her hope to hang on.
MorningCoffee Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Folks are telling OP that her MM is a skilled liar, that he is befogging her, and maybe he is. And she is getting great advice, but I want to offer her a perspective that does not rely on the MM being a liar, because at just 6 weeks into the A, she is too in love to want to believe that of him. So I will try to suggest what might be going in the MM's head, but with the understanding that I am assuming he is not a serial cheat, nor deliberately lying to just lead OP on. He is 43, prime time for a 'midlife crisis'. He is weary of his boring marriage, the tedium of which is probably punctuated by bursts of exuberant adolescence filling the household, and while he loves his kids, that is nevertheless wearing. He looks ahead a few years and sees, after the kids are out of the house, an unappealing prospect. It seems to him that recently he has been living in quiet desparation as he asks himself 'is this all there is? to feel like this for the rest of my life?' Along comes attractive young OP, and they hit it off. He is now telling himself, 'Wow. Who could have believed it? OK, then. If I am going to build a new life, at least may it be with a beautiful younger woman,' and here she is, in the lovely and willing OP. It's a fricking miracle. He's thinking, there's not a moment to lose. He's afraid she may come to have doubts and he'll lose her. Maybe she'll decide she wants a younger guy to be father to her kids, or at least a guy without a vasectomy. So he promises to get it reversed. And he moves with haste (impulsively?) to end the marriage. But when he really tries to leave and the reality begins to set in (the move-out, sorting the stuff, the D, the hurt of the family dispruption suffered by all of them), he may realize he needs to slow down, because he is a good guy, and he feels he needs to do this D right. One cannot just obliterate all those years of shared life and lives overnight. He also may be slowed down by the process itself over which he has no control. Faced with all that, he may do what lots of WMM do -- settle -- follow what's easiest -- stay put (or return if he does actually leave). So, while I think he may have good intentions as far as OP is concerned, they have only been involved a few weeks. That isn't much to weigh against the pull of inertia and the family, their history and all the rest. OP is well-advised here to put her attention into living her own life and backing up a bit, while MM has to sort out what the h-ll he's doing, before they both end up with a painful heap of regret and not much else to show for it.
2sunny Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 i'm curious - where does his wife think he's going to be this Friday when he's with you?
awkward Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I'm pretty sure you think your MM is different and your situation is unique. Maybe it is. It's not like a MM has never left his marriage. This could work out for you. But... 1) Guard your heart just in case he turns out to be the typical MM. Typical as in the one who doesn't leave but chooses to stay with his wife and have a girlfriend. 2) Be careful. BS is now suspicious. She will be investigating. Overnight Friday is a really bad idea. I mean a really bad idea no matter what excuse he gives her including work. 3) Don't ignore red flags. This is your life so you have to protect yourself. Do not ignore lies, stories, excuses, gut feelings, etc no matter how much you love him. 4) Even if he does leave there is a huge chance that he will go back home. Just be prepared for that. 5) Don't confuse words with action. I know that you would have rather received more positive responses than you've received. Very few people are going to tell you that everything is golden and you guys have a good chance at future together and if they did it would be wishful thinking. It is highly probable that after your all nighter Friday he is going to decide that he needs to give his marriage one last chance. If you are prepared for that maybe it will help you deal with it all.
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Be prepared for a lot of back-and-forth. My exH and I split up five years ago but it was not until the past year where we finally reached the point of a full 'emotional divorce' in which our emotions were completely unentangled and we were both able to move on with other people. After being with someone for a number of years and raising a child(ren) with them, it is not easy to undo those emotional and family ties, and if your MM is trying to convince you that he can undo over a decade of 'family' in six weeks, then know, miss that he is a liar. Perhaps not a malicious liar but a naive one. Even if he moves out physically, it will be a long time before he 'moves out' emotionally/mentally. If you can understand that he will be on a hell of a rollercoaster for a while, completely with a dose of 'come and go' then you may have a chance. If you are thinking that you are going to get your 'happily ever after' within the year, or even the next several then you may be disappointed. You and he might end up 'together' but you are only going to see the tip of an iceberg with him. The rest is going to be processing the loss of his marriage, and the demotion of himself to part time dad. It hurts. It isn't something you want to share or inflict on a new partner, so it gets hidden and can often cause resentment which seems to come from nowhere. It takes a while to adjust, and it will take all parts of his broken family reaching that point of adjusting before he will truly be free to move on.
NoIDidn't Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 A dissenting voice, and I was once cheated on. Its not unusual for a MM to want to leave so soon into an A. Most As don't last longer than six months anyway. My H was telling his OW that he wanted to leave and they hadn't even been in an A for about six weeks by then too. And we had the happiness talk. But *I* was the one that initiated it. He had been acting annoyed with me and I was getting annoyed with him doing so. He never said a word. He never mentioned wanting a D. He agreed that things were not what he wanted, but nothing further. So, OP, all I'm saying is that he could very well have spoken to his W, but that doesn't mean anything to you other than D-day is likely on the way. This sounds like his first A and he's not skilled in how to handle and compartmentalize his feelings. Which bodes pretty well for his M. Oh, and H and I never stopped having sex. It became less frequent after that "talk", the first of two, but it never stopped. Be very cautious with this guy. If he's anything like my H, he's really confused, has had a recent family event (like a death in the family), or the kids are going through a rough phase and he wants a break. When D-day hit, my H did not leave. He thought about it, I did too, but he didn't leave.
alexandria35 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I agree with MorningCoffee, if this really is the first affair he has had, he may be just as caught up in the infatuation and romance as OP is. He may think he is being truthfull as he plays out how his fantasy new life will be in his thoughts. However once he actually takes an action towards this new dream of his, he will be shocked at how painful it becomes, for everyone involved, including himself. This is when the lying will begin in earnest. I know he is already doing a pretty darn good job of being a liar to his wife, but it is possible that he hasn't started lying to his mistress....yet. 1
silverplanets Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I agree with MorningCoffee, if this really is the first affair he has had, he may be just as caught up in the infatuation and romance as OP is. He may think he is being truthfull as he plays out how his fantasy new life will be in his thoughts. However once he actually takes an action towards this new dream of his, he will be shocked at how painful it becomes, for everyone involved, including himself. This is when the lying will begin in earnest. I know he is already doing a pretty darn good job of being a liar to his wife, but it is possible that he hasn't started lying to his mistress....yet. I really agree with the above, if this is his first time then he may believe what he is saying but once he actually does anything then he's going to face the reality. When I had an exit A many years ago I hadn't slept with my wife for over 2 years ... your guy was still sleeping with her when he met you .. so they can't be that disconnected. As soon as he makes any serious move then she (and everyone else in his life) will encourage him not to make any rash decisions .. he will be encouraged to go to marriage counselling, be encouraged to think about the reality of what will be the affect on his kids .. be hit with the reality of the financial implication. And that's before it even gets to the hit on his moral character and reputation. That's when the reality sets in .. and he will realise he probably doesn't dictate the timetable or the end result ... Even if he moves out to a hotel today, he is still likely to be sucked back to his M by loneliness, self doubt, guilt over the kids and a growing realisation of the security he has lost. I would suggest you go and look at the infidelity board and see the "efforts" mm and mw go through to bring their wandering spouses back to reality ... he hasn't faced any of that yet. Why, after 6 weeks, are you so in "love" with this guy? (and trust me, even if he's not bad guy he's not a special one either .. he kept sleeping with another woman whilst seeing you for 3 weeks!) If you were dating a single guy and he said he was sleeping with someone else to "keep the peace" how would you feel? My own bet is he wasn't overtly unhappy in his marriage (you don;t have sex with smoeone you hate) ... so either he is a player or he has just accidently strayed. Now the great "new" sex and passion with you makes him feel that his marriage is dull .. but his marriage brings him so much moer than what you do ... and the moment he tries to leave then he will realise that. I think upping the stakes on Friday is a mistake ... if you DO want him then I reckon you have far better chance of getting it if you dont' give the goods away too early ... the horse has already bolted on the sex front, but the overnight one .. that's a biggish step ... and it's a chance for you to "test" his commitment .... just let him know you feel it is wrong until he is not with his wife .. and see what happens .. it'll be an eye opener I assure you. One other thing ... he says his marriage was unhappy but that he had to keep sleeping with her so she wouldn't notice anything was up ... these don't add up. if his marriage really was bad she would already know something was up ..... so again my guess is his marrige was entirely normal and he's just "fogged up" on sex and passion. Both of these will probably seem much less important when he weighs them up against what he's going go loose. from long experience I'd suggest you actually just park him and instead arrange to see a counsellor/therapist and show them this post and then ask them the question "why am I feeling like this after 6 weeks" ... Work out that question (with a therapist/counsellor) and you will have shown yourself more love than this guy ever can. You only have one life ... work on yourself, not someone else's marriage .. that's their job (and note the "their" .. there are two of them and they will face this crises as couple as well) Good luck Chris
romango Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 She deserves to be with a man with less baggage, be with a man who will love ONLY her and isn't a known cheater. She deserves an honest start to a good relationship. An affair that breaks up a family and then a MM starts a new life with the OW has alot of X's against them. You think HIS kids are going to accept her as their stepmom? And, she's young, wants to have children of her own. What if the snip reversal doesn't work? What if he changes his mind and decides he wants no more children. She deserves a chance at real love with someone who can give her everything, not be with someone who's already married, has kids and a life built already. Well, then obviously by her choices and actions she deserves none of that. You reap what you sow. 1
fooled once Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Folks are telling OP that her MM is a skilled liar, that he is befogging her, and maybe he is. And she is getting great advice, but I want to offer her a perspective that does not rely on the MM being a liar, because at just 6 weeks into the A, she is too in love to want to believe that of him. So I will try to suggest what might be going in the MM's head, but with the understanding that I am assuming he is not a serial cheat, nor deliberately lying to just lead OP on. He is 43, prime time for a 'midlife crisis'. He is weary of his boring marriage, the tedium of which is probably punctuated by bursts of exuberant adolescence filling the household, and while he loves his kids, that is nevertheless wearing. He looks ahead a few years and sees, after the kids are out of the house, an unappealing prospect. It seems to him that recently he has been living in quiet desparation as he asks himself 'is this all there is? to feel like this for the rest of my life?' Along comes attractive young OP, and they hit it off. He is now telling himself, 'Wow. Who could have believed it? OK, then. If I am going to build a new life, at least may it be with a beautiful younger woman,' and here she is, in the lovely and willing OP. It's a fricking miracle. He's thinking, there's not a moment to lose. He's afraid she may come to have doubts and he'll lose her. Maybe she'll decide she wants a younger guy to be father to her kids, or at least a guy without a vasectomy. So he promises to get it reversed. And he moves with haste (impulsively?) to end the marriage. But when he really tries to leave and the reality begins to set in (the move-out, sorting the stuff, the D, the hurt of the family dispruption suffered by all of them), he may realize he needs to slow down, because he is a good guy, and he feels he needs to do this D right. One cannot just obliterate all those years of shared life and lives overnight. He also may be slowed down by the process itself over which he has no control. Faced with all that, he may do what lots of WMM do -- settle -- follow what's easiest -- stay put (or return if he does actually leave). So, while I think he may have good intentions as far as OP is concerned, they have only been involved a few weeks. That isn't much to weigh against the pull of inertia and the family, their history and all the rest. OP is well-advised here to put her attention into living her own life and backing up a bit, while MM has to sort out what the h-ll he's doing, before they both end up with a painful heap of regret and not much else to show for it. Excellent post MC - excellent!!
sugarbritches Posted June 18, 2010 Posted June 18, 2010 Amelia you are 28 with your whole life ahead of you, don't waste to much of it on this guy. It sounds to me like you will have years of him not knowing what he wants to do. A 43 year old man doesn't want to have babies, he would be in his 60's when the graduate from high school. Do not waste your youth on a man like him.
norajane Posted June 19, 2010 Posted June 19, 2010 (edited) I guess the part that throws me is why would a 28 year old woman be interested in a 43 year old man married with 2 kids? Is it me? When I was 28 I would have been totally creeped out by this. And on top of it all, the drama of his soon to be exwife and kids, ugh! Seems a bit much. You are young, aren't there any single men your way that have less baggage, way less? Most women with baggage won't opt for this situation willingly. Bingo! Exactly what I think about this situation! She deserves to be with a man with less baggage, be with a man who will love ONLY her and isn't a known cheater. She deserves an honest start to a good relationship. An affair that breaks up a family and then a MM starts a new life with the OW has alot of X's against them. You think HIS kids are going to accept her as their stepmom? And, she's young, wants to have children of her own. What if the snip reversal doesn't work? What if he changes his mind and decides he wants no more children. She deserves a chance at real love with someone who can give her everything, not be with someone who's already married, has kids and a life built already. The OP is so never ever going to get to this point of being step-mom and reversing vasectomies! If this man were to actually get a divorce sometime this decade - which he won't because he hasn't even brought up the word divorce to his wife, much less seen a lawyer - OP is going to have his divorced, unhappy self full time, and no way in hell is she going to want him with all his ex-wife baggage, guilty about the children baggage, alimony and child support and trying to balance two households baggage on her hands! This whirlwind 6 week romance will crash and burn once reality hits, and she will be banging her head against the wall wondering WTF she was thinking getting involved with his mess. 6 weeks while sharing a man with his wife and family isn't love, Amelia! It's infatuation and lust. Don't tie up your life with a man who is, at best right now, a fling. And if he were single instead of married, that's all it would be, a simple fling with an older man that you tire of quickly. The only way this fling would last any longer than a few months is if he does not get a divorce, or make any move to. THEN, she will stay with him for months or years, believing that he is about to leave at any moment, or in a few weeks, or once the holidays are over, or once the kids are back in school, or out of school...because she will believe it is only his wife that is standing in their way, instead of seeing him for who he truly is and losing interest. Edited June 19, 2010 by norajane
Fieldsofgold Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Leaving aside the fact that he is a middle-aged man, married 15 years, with pre- and young teen-age children . . . Putting ALL that aside . . . Who in his/her/their right mind would make major life-changing decisions after knowing someone for only six weeks???
Fieldsofgold Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Leaving aside the fact that he is a middle-aged man, married 15 years, with pre- and young teen-age children . . . Putting ALL that aside . . . Who in his/her/their right mind would make major life-changing decisions after knowing someone for only six weeks???
NoIDidn't Posted June 20, 2010 Posted June 20, 2010 Leaving aside the fact that he is a middle-aged man, married 15 years, with pre- and young teen-age children . . . Putting ALL that aside . . . Who in his/her/their right mind would make major life-changing decisions after knowing someone for only six weeks??? One phrase comes to mind: Mid Life Crisis.
Recommended Posts