Six weeks in and ball is already rolling for separation...

[Amelia81]

Hello.. I'm new to LS but love how this board is so specific to relationship issues, and particularly this forum for OM/OW as I find myself in a difficult situation. Other boards I've seen people get shot down so I wouldn't dare post on them.

 

My situation is quite intense and a bit of a whirlwind. I'm 28, MM is 43 with 2 kids (10, 14). We first met six mths ago through a voluntary organisation we both work for. Always been a connection and natural pull towards each other but six weeks ago on a weekend course, after way too much alcohol we ended up in bed together.

 

Since then its just been a complete whirlwind. We are in touch all the time, he phones me every day. He had a two week family holiday (which he found miserable) and managed to keep in touch every day and ring me every few days. We've seen each other regularly and we feel like we are in love and have a future together. He has even said he will have a reverse vasectomy if he leaves his W so I have a chance of having children (or any other future partner of his). He's been looking at other places to live and sorting his finances, preparing himself for the possibilty of divorce.

 

For the first three weeks of our A he was still sleeping with his wife. He tells me he didn't initiate any of it but didn't want to raise suspicion by refusing. In the last three weeks though, as we've got closer he's not wanted to sleep with her at all and has had excuses not to, until Monday night. He had no excuse so has had to tell her he's unhappy at home, which has now started the ball rolling with him leaving. She's asked him if he's seeing someone but he's denied it. We had discussed this prior and I said I think it would do more damage than good to everyone, particularly the children which he does agree with. But I'm not sure he will be able to hold it back. Perhaps I'm being selfish there, but I do care about his children and really don't think they need to know that detail. I wouldn't want them to hate their dad.

 

Of course he is now very unhappy and upset himself, and home life is not good whilst he talks with his W. She can't understand it (even though he's spoken to her in the past before he met me). He isn't shutting me out, he's being very open with me and is making an effort to stop me from feeling like crap.

 

I feel so helpless in the situation, I just have to sit and wait. I feel so rotten because what I want would mean devastation for his family. I do wonder whether we can survive this, as so many As don't work out and we are still so new to each other.

 

We have a special evening planned on Friday, have had it planned for a few weeks. It will be the first time he will get to spend a full night at mine. I think we've decided that after that we're going to cool it off between us whilst he sorts his head out and things at home. He said the decision to leave is not about whether he loves me enough, its about whether he has the bottle to go through with it. So I think he's taking it all at a slow space so no decision is rash.

 

We thought cooling off between us would be better for everyone. He's not going to be a very happy person over coming weeks and so we will struggle to enjoy ourselves the way we have been. He does need to focus on his family too. I want him to, even though I will find it hard being without him. Just have to trust he will come back to me.

 

I don't really have any questions, I guess I just want to get it all out as there isn't really anyone I can speak to about this. Please feel free to add your comments and ask me questions. I may be slow at responding as I don't have much chance to access LS.

 

thanks xx

[jennie-jennie]

I hope everything works out for you. Being in a relationship with a married man is never easy. If you are lucky, yours is an exit affair. Was your MM already unhappy in his marriage before you came into the picture?

[Amelia81]

Thanks Jennie.

 

Yes he was unhappy before. He has said he knows its shallow but he was too much of a coward and too worried about finances and the family to do anything about it. He did raise it every now and then but nothing changed. I think me coming along has shown another side to life and that he wouldn't be on his own for the rest of his life.

 

What normally happens with exit affairs? Do I stand any chance of this working at all? xx

[sally4sara]

Thanks Jennie.

 

Yes he was unhappy before. He has said he knows its shallow but he was too much of a coward and too worried about finances and the family to do anything about it. He did raise it every now and then but nothing changed. I think me coming along has shown another side to life and that he wouldn't be on his own for the rest of his life.

 

What normally happens with exit affairs? Do I stand any chance of this working at all? xx

 

The WS leaves after starting an affair, citing dissatisfaction in the marriage while often omitting anything about sleeping around. Stick with this guy long enough, get married and have kids, and you'll get to find out all about it first hand.

[2sure]

As with every MM saying he is leaving his wife...they are just words until the words reflect his actions.

 

So far, all he has done is go on vacation with his wife for two of the six weeks you have been having an affair with him.

 

Thats it. The rest are words. See what actions take place and base your decisions and feelings on them.

[2sunny]

if you intend to be with him - save YOURSELF from the heartache of his process of going through the divorce.

 

step away. do not see him (even this Friday) or correspond while he does what HE says he's going to do. when the D is FINAL - tell him, then and only then, to get in touch with you. in many cases this could take years or decades.

 

in the meantime - get busy living (not waiting) for YOU... busy being happy on your own.

 

this is best for YOU. make yourself the priority... he will either do the D - or not. what he DOES will show you whether or not he is willing to D and move forward (with you IF you are available at that time).

 

this should be YOUR healthy boundary. HE should respect that YOU deserve this for yourself. IF he doesn't respect your healthy boundary - he is just showing HIS selfish nature. he wants YOU and his W at the same time.

[2sunny]

and by the way - he's not moving toward separation... the ONLY thing he's been doing is complaining to his W.

 

he hasn't filed for D (THAT is separation) he hasn't moved, he didn't cancel the vacation, he didn't tell her he's seeing someone else, he didn't quit having sex with her entirely. he's not separated.

 

he's only lying. you do have evidence of that otherwise he would have told her the truth - about EVERYTHING! you are still the secret - so he probably has no intention of ACTUALLY leaving.

[jennie-jennie]

Be prepared that the majority of the LS posters will be opposed to your extramarital relationship. Many are betrayed spouses or former other women who now regret their decision to be in an affair.

 

In an exit affair the MM already has one foot outside the marital door. The probability of divorce is high. In most other kinds of affairs the probability of divorce is low.

[awkward]

Wait until he is divorced *ink dry* before attempting a relationship with him. A lot of these MM talk the talk but rarely walk the walk.

 

Also now that she suspects another woman she will be investigating phone records, emails, etc. An overnighter right now might just be your D-day.

[Adunaphel]

Hi, Amelia.

I have been in a relatively similar situation.

Being in a "sit and wait" situation is not pleasant...

and as other posters pointed out there are red flags popping here and there.

When the affair started he was still having sex with his W... and had a family holiday.

The fact that he stopped having sex with her (if true) is encouraging, though. And he *did* start talking to her.

It would have been much better if he confessed seeing someone else, but I guess that if a guy has not enough courage to get separated *before* getting to know someone else, he won't be honest enough to admit it to his wife.

 

I think we've decided that after that we're going to cool it off between us whilst he sorts his head out and things at home.

 

This is wise. Can you stick to this, and actually cool it off while he decides what to do?

 

Meanwhile keep your eyes open (and try to keep yourself as detached as you can, even if it is virtually impossible). Look for red flags. I do not mean "do not ignore red flags"... actually *look* for them.

 

You said that

He's been looking at other places to live and sorting his finances, preparing himself for the possibilty of divorce

.

has he been doing this *before* meeting you?

If he never even considered getting a divorce before meeting you, if his marriage was not unhappy before meeting you, just run for the hills.

You do not want a man who will divorce "for you", trust me.

They either divorce for themselves (perhaps with the help of an exit affair) or do not divorce at all.

 

Also...please, please, please... while you are cooling it off while waiting for him to make a decision... consider the age difference. Consider the fact that he has kids. Consider that even if things work out between you, his kids will always come first, as they should, and his w will be in the picture forever. And it will be a lot tougher than the average "divorced man with kids" situation because it started as an affair, and the W and the kids will eventually know.

 

You might want this man now.

But the future you picture with him is a realistic one, or a rose-tinted one?

[Amelia81]

Thanks so much for your post Adunaphel. I felt it was constructive and has given me food for thought.

 

It would have been much better if he confessed seeing someone else, but I guess that if a guy has not enough courage to get separated *before* getting to know someone else, he won't be honest enough to admit it to his wife.

 

I think he does want to tell her and probably will. Its me that keeps saying I don't think its wise because I think it will do more damage than good, esp for the kids if they found out and he has been agreeing with me when we've had the conversation. Its partly selfish because I really dont want her to know about me.

 

 

This is wise. Can you stick to this, and actually cool it off while he decides what to do?

 

I think so. We won't be able to go NC at all, but should be ok not seeing each other. He is not going to be in the best of moods and I don't think we will have much fun together whilst all this is going on. I've told him he needs to focus on his family at this time.

 

Meanwhile keep your eyes open (and try to keep yourself as detached as you can, even if it is virtually impossible). Look for red flags. I do not mean "do not ignore red flags"... actually *look* for them.

 

What should I be looking for?

 

 

has he been doing this *before* meeting you?

If he never even considered getting a divorce before meeting you, if his marriage was not unhappy before meeting you, just run for the hills.

You do not want a man who will divorce "for you", trust me.

They either divorce for themselves (perhaps with the help of an exit affair) or do not divorce at all.

 

He hadn't started looking into it actively, but he had had lots of thoughts about it (so he says - of course I trust him). It all seems very sudden action if he had not had any thoughts at all. They had a very bad time at Xmas, before we really knew each other and that was the last time he had really seriously thought about it.

[Snowflower]

 

 

I think he does want to tell her and probably will. Its me that keeps saying I don't think its wise because I think it will do more damage than good, esp for the kids if they found out and he has been agreeing with me when we've had the conversation. Its partly selfish because I really dont want her to know about me.

 

 

Okay, what about if he goes ahead and separates from her and doesn't tell her about you (I think you said he has already denied it once when she asked him if there was someone else), then suddenly you appear in his life post separation or post divorce?

 

Do you really think that she isn't going to figure out who you were to her husband before the separation/divorce? Or the kids won't put two and two together when you and their Dad are really chummy when you take them (the kids) out for dinner?

 

The BW isn't stupid and she will figure it out...

 

Why don't you want her to know about you?

[Amelia81]

As with every MM saying he is leaving his wife...they are just words until the words reflect his actions.

 

So far, all he has done is go on vacation with his wife for two of the six weeks you have been having an affair with him.

 

Thats it. The rest are words. See what actions take place and base your decisions and feelings on them.

 

He has shown me what he's been saying he would do. He's shown me emails and responses to his accountant, he's drawing up a statement of affairs, I've seen him looking for places to live. He may be lying about talking to his wife, but why he would lie about what is being said with his wife I can't imagine. Some of the stuff he tells me is not always what I want to hear. He's also told me personal stuff that could potentially have made me run a mile.

 

I do understand that he is currently lying and being unfaithful to his wife of 15 years, and he could do it to me/the next person, but I genuinely believe that he is not a bad person, is generally very honest, but he just seems to have got himself in a bit of a mess and is trying to get through it.

[Amelia81]

Okay, what about if he goes ahead and separates from her and doesn't tell her about you (I think you said he has already denied it once when she asked him if there was someone else), then suddenly you appear in his life post separation or post divorce?

 

Do you really think that she isn't going to figure out who you were to her husband before the separation/divorce? Or the kids won't put two and two together when you and their Dad are really chummy when you take them (the kids) out for dinner?

 

The BW isn't stupid and she will figure it out...

 

Why don't you want her to know about you?

 

Because I don't want her to use it against him, or tell the kids and they turn against their dad. I am not the reason, but I will be the only reason as far as she is concerned if she finds out. As for the kids, him leaving would shatter them enough, surely knowing he's had an A makes it worse.

 

I also worry about her causing trouble for me too. I know OW are often the focus of blame. I did say it was selfish reasons too.

[Amelia81]

Forgot to add, I know she's not stupid if she finds out about me straight away if he leaves, she'll figure we have had an A, but I would want to keep it quiet as long as possible so it might not seem so obvious.

 

It would be hard for the kids whenever he gets his first new gf, I dont want to make it harder for them and me with them knowing that I was the other half of an A. I wouldnt want them to hate me, but I know they probably will.

 

Such a mess x

[Amelia81]

if you intend to be with him - save YOURSELF from the heartache of his process of going through the divorce.

 

step away. do not see him (even this Friday) or correspond while he does what HE says he's going to do. when the D is FINAL - tell him, then and only then, to get in touch with you. in many cases this could take years or decades.

 

in the meantime - get busy living (not waiting) for YOU... busy being happy on your own.

 

this is best for YOU. make yourself the priority... he will either do the D - or not. what he DOES will show you whether or not he is willing to D and move forward (with you IF you are available at that time).

 

this should be YOUR healthy boundary. HE should respect that YOU deserve this for yourself. IF he doesn't respect your healthy boundary - he is just showing HIS selfish nature. he wants YOU and his W at the same time.

 

This all does make sense. It really does. Just easier said than done. I think its a step saying we'll try to cool it off. We have done this week already. I can't keep sharing him, he knows that. I also can't expect him to wave a magic wand overnight and it all be sorted. But I want him to know he has my support through this too. If I walk away and have NC then I'm not sure he will have the bottle.

[Adunaphel]

Thanks so much for your post Adunaphel. I felt it was constructive and has given me food for thought.

 

You are welcome. I am just sharing thoughts and doubts I had while going trough somethinbg similar.

 

 

I think he does want to tell her and probably will. Its me that keeps saying I don't think its wise because I think it will do more damage than good, esp for the kids if they found out and he has been agreeing with me when we've had the conversation. Its partly selfish because I really dont want her to know about me.

 

If you do not mind me asking, why you do not want her to know?

I think that if she knows you have nothing to lose. I really wished my MM told his W about the affair *before* talking to her about separation (and before filing for separation). MM's reason for not telling was that he did not want his W to think that I was the reason why he no longer wanted to be married, and I actually think he did more harm than good, even if I can try to understand his reasons.

 

 

I think so. We won't be able to go NC at all, but should be ok not seeing each other.

 

My MM and I did not manage to go full NC either when he was taking a decision. Not seeing each other is still...something. At least sex/intimacy/physical contact won't get in the way.

 

He is not going to be in the best of moods and I don't think we will have much fun together whilst all this is going on. I've told him he needs to focus on his family at this time.

It is good that you won't have much fun together. It would just cloud more your thinking. While he takes a decision, focus on yourself...and try to see him from the most detached perspective you can manage.

Keep in mind that he is taking a decision, but you can take your own decisions and change your mind, too.

 

What should I be looking for?

Lies. Big lies. Small lies. White lies. Look at how he talks about his W and children. Keep picturing yourself in her shoes, it will help to keep a perspective. If they have sex again is a big red flag. If they have sex again and he finds excuses it's a huge red flag. If you find out he has had affairs before, run like hell. If your gut istinct starts screaming, trust it.

 

 

He hadn't started looking into it actively, but he had had lots of thoughts about it (so he says - of course I trust him). It all seems very sudden action if he had not had any thoughts at all. They had a very bad time at Xmas, before we really knew each other and that was the last time he had really seriously thought about it.

 

I would investigate further into why his marriage is unhappy...and into whether it actually was *so* unhappy. Are there issues they could not compromise on? Do you personally find them serious issues? Or does it sound like he is complaining over nothing? Are their personalities so different? Is he blaming it on her? If he is blaming her, it's a red flag.

Is his main complaint boredom? lack of sex? Another red flag...

 

Unfortunately you have only his words, at the moment. Which is one more reason to listen carefully to what he says. Listen to him. Ask questions to him. It's also a way to know more about him. If he gives different versions of the situation, it's another red flag..

[2sunny]

This all does make sense. It really does. Just easier said than done. I think its a step saying we'll try to cool it off. We have done this week already. I can't keep sharing him, he knows that. I also can't expect him to wave a magic wand overnight and it all be sorted. But I want him to know he has my support through this too. If I walk away and have NC then I'm not sure he will have the bottle.

 

if you walk away for now and he doesn't have the guts to leave for himself - and a possible future with you - he was never intending to leave anyway.

 

if a man REALLY wants you - he will stop at nothing to make that happen. in the meantime - IF he does want you - he needs to prove it to you with his actions that he will do anything and everything to be with you after he is divorced. before then - it's a cleaner end result if you stay out of it completely between now and then. he will do it if he intends to.

 

don't be his secret - that's not a healthy way for YOU to want to live.. you deserve more than that.

[fooled once]

So it is okay for dad to leave, but he should lie to his kids about having an affair? Do you think his kids are dumb? do you think they aren't going to figure it out?

 

And you don't know his kids so where is this concern for them coming from? You knew he had kids when you started screwing him..so did you have concern for them then too?

 

Is it only concern now because you may be getting the prize? and you want to make sure they don't hate you?

 

So after 6 weeks, this man of 43 is going to dump his wife of how many years for the 28 year old girl? BEFORE he was thinking of leaving .... but it was too much work, but it isn't too much work if he has someone waiting for him?

 

Yeah....proceed with caution and keep your eyes open for ACTION, not your ears open for words.

[2sunny]

if someone is LOOKING for an apt. that is different than = i MOVED!

 

a man intending to leave his marriage doesn't normally go away on vacation = he finds any way to NOT go.

 

if someone says they don't have sex - that is different than what actually happens.

 

he can tell you anything he wants - don't believe any of it until you see and have evidence that it HAS happened. otherwise - you are letting him fool you.

Edited June 16, 2010 by 2sunny

[bentnotbroken]

hello.. I'm new to ls but love how this board is so specific to relationship issues, and particularly this forum for om/ow as i find myself in a difficult situation. Other boards i've seen people get shot down so i wouldn't dare post on them.

 

My situation is quite intense and a bit of a whirlwind. I'm 28, mm is 43 with 2 kids (10, 14). We first met six mths ago through a voluntary organisation we both work for. Always been a connection and natural pull towards each other but six weeks ago on a weekend course, after way too much alcohol we ended up in bed together.

 

no matter how much alcohol, if it isn't in one's character it doesn't happen.

 

since then its just been a complete whirlwind. We are in touch all the time, he phones me every day. he had a two week family holiday (which he found miserable) and managed to keep in touch every day and ring me every few days.

 

of course he was miserable.:sick:is there any other way to be on a family trip while have dreams of the mess you are creating?

 

we've seen each other regularly and we feel like we are in love and have a future together. He has even said he will have a reverse vasectomy if he leaves his w so i have a chance of having children (or any other future partner of his). He's been looking at other places to live and sorting his finances, preparing himself for the possibilty of divorce.

 

there is that "feeling" leading the way to destruction of inncent people.

 

for the first three weeks of our a he was still sleeping with his wife. He tells me he didn't initiate any of it but didn't want to raise suspicion by refusing. In the last three weeks though, as we've got closer he's not wanted to sleep with her at all and has had excuses not to, until monday night. He had no excuse so has had to tell her he's unhappy at home, which has now started the ball rolling with him leaving. She's asked him if he's seeing someone but he's denied it.

 

classic gaslighting on the part of someone without a backbone or respect.

 

 

we had discussed this prior and i said i think it would do more damage than good to everyone, particularly the children which he does agree with. But i'm not sure he will be able to hold it back. Perhaps i'm being selfish there, but i do care about his children and really don't think they need to know that detail. I wouldn't want them to hate their dad.

 

 

translation. Let's cover our behinds so the kids won't hate him....or me. Don't count on it.

 

of course he is now very unhappy and upset himself, and home life is not good whilst he talks with his w. She can't understand it (even though he's spoken to her in the past before he met me). He isn't shutting me out, he's being very open with me and is making an effort to stop me from feeling like crap.

 

not as unhappy and upset as he is going to be when the dodo hits the fan. Why should she understand since she was being lied to.

 

i feel so helpless in the situation, i just have to sit and wait. I feel so rotten because what i want would mean devastation for his family. I do wonder whether we can survive this, as so many as don't work out and we are still so new to each other.

 

at what point did his wife and children become a concern for you?

 

we have a special evening planned on friday, have had it planned for a few weeks. It will be the first time he will get to spend a full night at mine. I think we've decided that after that we're going to cool it off between us whilst he sorts his head out and things at home. He said the decision to leave is not about whether he loves me enough, its about whether he has the bottle to go through with it. So i think he's taking it all at a slow space so no decision is rash.

 

the horse is already out of the barn with that.

 

we thought cooling off between us would be better for everyone. He's not going to be a very happy person over coming weeks and so we will struggle to enjoy ourselvesthe way we have been. he does need to focus on his family too. I want him to, even though i will find it hard being without him. just have to trust he will come back to me.

 

 

he should have been focusing on them when he was focusing on you.

 

 

i don't really have any questions, i guess i just want to get it all out as there isn't really anyone i can speak to about this. Please feel free to add your comments and ask me questions. I may be slow at responding as i don't have much chance to access ls.thanks xx

 

:(:(:(:(

[bentnotbroken]

Forgot to add, I know she's not stupid if she finds out about me straight away if he leaves, she'll figure we have had an A, but I would want to keep it quiet as long as possible so it might not seem so obvious.

 

It would be hard for the kids whenever he gets his first new gf, I dont want to make it harder for them and me with them knowing that I was the other half of an A. I wouldnt want them to hate me, but I know they probably will.

 

Such a mess x

 

 

They have every right to know the kind of people who are in their lives. They have every right to the emotions surrounding the people who lie to them. RESPECT is earned! If you are okay with the role you have played in their lives thus far, own up to all of it. Don't continue hiding behind some false mask of what your part is. Do the deed, own the consequence.

[2sunny]

when ther's nothing to hide - you hide nothing. doesn't this give you the clue that your involvement with him is inappropriate? why do you want to do this to YOURSELF?

 

FYI - the ball is not rolling - he just wants you to think it is - wait and see what action he takes... or IF he takes any. that will tell you. in the meantime - get busy living and being happy on your own.

[SummerLady]

Hello.. I'm new to LS but love how this board is so specific to relationship issues, and particularly this forum for OM/OW as I find myself in a difficult situation. Other boards I've seen people get shot down so I wouldn't dare post on them.

 

My situation is quite intense and a bit of a whirlwind. I'm 28, MM is 43 with 2 kids (10, 14). We first met six mths ago through a voluntary organisation we both work for. Always been a connection and natural pull towards each other but six weeks ago on a weekend course, after way too much alcohol we ended up in bed together.

 

Since then its just been a complete whirlwind. We are in touch all the time, he phones me every day. He had a two week family holiday (which he found miserable) and managed to keep in touch every day and ring me every few days. We've seen each other regularly and we feel like we are in love and have a future together. He has even said he will have a reverse vasectomy if he leaves his W so I have a chance of having children (or any other future partner of his). He's been looking at other places to live and sorting his finances, preparing himself for the possibilty of divorce.

 

For the first three weeks of our A he was still sleeping with his wife. He tells me he didn't initiate any of it but didn't want to raise suspicion by refusing. In the last three weeks though, as we've got closer he's not wanted to sleep with her at all and has had excuses not to, until Monday night. He had no excuse so has had to tell her he's unhappy at home, which has now started the ball rolling with him leaving. She's asked him if he's seeing someone but he's denied it. We had discussed this prior and I said I think it would do more damage than good to everyone, particularly the children which he does agree with. But I'm not sure he will be able to hold it back. Perhaps I'm being selfish there, but I do care about his children and really don't think they need to know that detail. I wouldn't want them to hate their dad.

 

Of course he is now very unhappy and upset himself, and home life is not good whilst he talks with his W. She can't understand it (even though he's spoken to her in the past before he met me). He isn't shutting me out, he's being very open with me and is making an effort to stop me from feeling like crap.

 

I feel so helpless in the situation, I just have to sit and wait. I feel so rotten because what I want would mean devastation for his family. I do wonder whether we can survive this, as so many As don't work out and we are still so new to each other.

 

We have a special evening planned on Friday, have had it planned for a few weeks. It will be the first time he will get to spend a full night at mine. I think we've decided that after that we're going to cool it off between us whilst he sorts his head out and things at home. He said the decision to leave is not about whether he loves me enough, its about whether he has the bottle to go through with it. So I think he's taking it all at a slow space so no decision is rash.

 

We thought cooling off between us would be better for everyone. He's not going to be a very happy person over coming weeks and so we will struggle to enjoy ourselves the way we have been. He does need to focus on his family too. I want him to, even though I will find it hard being without him. Just have to trust he will come back to me.

 

I don't really have any questions, I guess I just want to get it all out as there isn't really anyone I can speak to about this. Please feel free to add your comments and ask me questions. I may be slow at responding as I don't have much chance to access LS.

 

thanks xx

 

I guess the part that throws me is why would a 28 year old woman be interested in a 43 year old man married with 2 kids? Is it me? When I was 28 I would have been totally creeped out by this. And on top of it all, the drama of his soon to be exwife and kids, ugh! Seems a bit much. You are young, aren't there any single men your way that have less baggage, way less? Most women with baggage won't opt for this situation willingly.

[fooled once]

I guess the part that throws me is why would a 28 year old woman be interested in a 43 year old man married with 2 kids? Is it me? When I was 28 I would have been totally creeped out by this. And on top of it all, the drama of his soon to be exwife and kids, ugh! Seems a bit much. You are young, aren't there any single men your way that have less baggage, way less? Most women with baggage won't opt for this situation willingly.

 

I agree.

 

I also don't buy his line about getting a reversal of his snip-snip. I wonder if either of them know how expensive that is and the odds of it even working. It isn't as if he is a 36 year old guy. He has 2 kids with his ex, the youngest being 10. By the time the divorce is final, the dust settled and all, it could be 2-4 years down the road. He will be knocking on the door to 50; yet he has the OP convinced he would try to get his sperm reactivated to have a child -- when his youngest could be 14 at that time.

 

Many men, that close to being ALMOST done with child support, being able to see the end of the line, would not choose to start over.

 

Add into it, I am not sure the OP realizes how incredibly hard and taxing step life is without adultery thrown into it. Step kids many times, especially girls (and I know this because I have a stepdaughter) do not take well to the Stepmom.