Getting children to talk about their feelings

[Stung]

My 10-year-old stepdaughter's maternal grandmother is dying. Best guess is she will pass within the next few days; she wasn't really expected to make it through last night. She has been battling an illness for many months.

 

My stepdaughter has always been very close with her grandma, as she, her mom & stepfather lived in grandma's house (half of every week, when SD wasn't with us) for many years.

 

In the last year SD has dealt with her mother's separation and divorce from her stepfather (who has been in her life as long as she can remember and is now suddenly not available to her at all and only involved with her half-brother, his real son) and her grandmother's illness, and she's been very evasive about talking about any of it. Like a lot of kids she has a hard time talking about her feelings, something I've been worrying about lately. It's natural for kids to be inarticulate emotionally but I think SD has also been modeled after some poor communicators and has taken to burying her negative emotions, and could use some help expressing herself as some pretty major stuff is going on.

 

She stayed with us last night although it wasn't one of our regular nights as her mom was involved with her grandma. Both her father and I tried to talk to her (separately) about what's going on with her grandma in a non-pushy, age-appropriate way, but she was acting like nothing was wrong unless questioned directly, at which point she just said that she didn't want to talk about it, so we backed off.

 

We want to support her through this difficult time. We want her to open up to us, but we don't want to force it. Ideas? Thoughts? Voice of experience?

[TaraMaiden]

Leave her be.

 

let her know that whatever happens, you're always there to talk to, if she wants to talk, but then, let her adjust, digest and express herself in her own time, in her own way, when she wants to, or needs to.

Advise her school of the possible disruption in her commitment to her work, but ask them to make no allowances per se, nor to mention it.

 

In my experience, the bigger issue you make it, the more children will clam up.

 

And I also don't think children view death in the big, melodramatic way some adults do.

Many kids I know who have experienced bereavement, seem to have taken it a whole lot better than involved grown-ups.

 

Don't imagine that this will affect her in the way you're imagining it will affect her.

Wait until you know for sure, and until she tells you - I'd respectfully, back off.

[quankanne]

when my niece was small, my mom would get her to open up by creating a fantasy "forum" in which she could tell my mom what was bothering her in a third-party way that involved Mom's friend "Pinky" talking to my niece's pinky ... kinda sweet, but I think it worked because there was a sense of trust and security involved.

 

your child is several years older than my niece was at that point, but I think the principal is still the same: When there's a sense of trust and security involved, a kid feels comfortable in letting you know his/her feelings.

 

maybe the best thing to do is to pull her aside and let her know how sorry you are about her granny's failing health, and that you understand she might not feel ready to share her feelings. But that you will be there to listen if she needs to talk, and ready with hugs to comfort her if she's hurting. My guess is that because you're not precisely Mom or Dad, it might be easier going to you because she doesn't have to censor what she says or feels out of fear of hurting a parent ...

[fooled once]

My 10-year-old stepdaughter's maternal grandmother is dying. Best guess is she will pass within the next few days; she wasn't really expected to make it through last night. She has been battling an illness for many months.

 

My stepdaughter has always been very close with her grandma, as she, her mom & stepfather lived in grandma's house (half of every week, when SD wasn't with us) for many years.

 

In the last year SD has dealt with her mother's separation and divorce from her stepfather (who has been in her life as long as she can remember and is now suddenly not available to her at all and only involved with her half-brother, his real son) and her grandmother's illness, and she's been very evasive about talking about any of it. Like a lot of kids she has a hard time talking about her feelings, something I've been worrying about lately. It's natural for kids to be inarticulate emotionally but I think SD has also been modeled after some poor communicators and has taken to burying her negative emotions, and could use some help expressing herself as some pretty major stuff is going on.

 

She stayed with us last night although it wasn't one of our regular nights as her mom was involved with her grandma. Both her father and I tried to talk to her (separately) about what's going on with her grandma in a non-pushy, age-appropriate way, but she was acting like nothing was wrong unless questioned directly, at which point she just said that she didn't want to talk about it, so we backed off.

 

We want to support her through this difficult time. We want her to open up to us, but we don't want to force it. Ideas? Thoughts? Voice of experience?

 

Some kids just don't like to talk.

 

Maybe it isn't 'real' to her and won't be until the grandma passes.

 

Just let her know you are there to talk if she feels like it.

 

Also try to focus her on something fun -- maybe a girls day to get pedicures or manicures; maybe shopping for some new shorts; or maybe you and her planning a dinner for the family.

 

Cut her some slack, to a degree, in any moodiness or sulkiness. She may just be really internalizing things and because she is still so young, she doesn't have the capacity or understanding on how to process this. Heck many adults don't know how either.

 

Good luck and I am sorry to hear about her grandma.

[Stung]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

Quank, I like the pinky forum idea, might use that for my own son eventually...but you're right, SD is a bit old for that these days. She's hitting an awkward age, still playing with dolls and wanting to believe in fairies but starting to get those teenage hormones already...she and I do have a close relationship and right now she does come to me for conversations she feels awkward about with her other family, but it's mostly questions about puberty and boys, she doesn't want to discuss anything emotional or personal with any of us including me. The pinky thing is along the lines of what I'm thinking about, however.

 

Fooled Once, I agree that death isn't really 'real' to her yet and won't be until probably some time after her grandma actually passes. And we have been cutting her slack where moodiness is concerned--and there's a lot of it as puberty is starting to hit already, and she definitely is internalizing all of what's been going on with her lately.

 

Tara, where we are right now is backed-off and just offering support. I absolutely have no plan or desire to try to force anything out of her or make her feel like she's under pressure when she's at this home. And I do know that kids process things differently than adults do, and that's normal.

 

The thing is--she's a great kid and a very bright girl but she's had a hard couple of years, and we've been watching her closely as she's stoically accepted the loss of the stepfather she's loved all her life and of her maternal family home, and spent a lot of time in the hospital with her terminally ill grandmother. We've been doing the stand back and offer support quietly thing, and observing. She's been pretending to be unfazed by all of it, and reluctant to talk about it directly, but then acting out in other arenas...a common coping mechanism for a kid, but not really a good strategy in life, obviously. She's also gotten into a habit of just saying whatever she thinks we want to hear, no matter how non-judgmental of an approach is taken. Her father and I feel she could use some guidance to learn to express herself better, and to learn to cope better with emotions that are currently too big for her...we also think it's important that she is on the road to being herself, not trying to be or say what everyone else wants. We don't expect perfection, or adult reactions. We're not trying to find ways to interrogate her directly, but we are interested in methods to get her to open up a little bit more, organically.

 

Right now we're considering our own habits, we want to work on modeling better communication for her.

Edited June 17, 2010 by Stung

[Stung]

Well, SD's grandmother passed today.

 

She was an intelligent, gracious lady, and a huge influence on SD's life. She was even a positive force within my own marriage, as she interceded on our behalf more than once when her own daughter was being unreasonable or had lost focus on what was best for the kid. My husband and I both feel the world is a bit diminished today.

 

My husband is on his way to pick up his daughter right now; she has been with us all week and will continue to stay solely with us for a currently-undetermined time while her mom deals privately with her grief and makes necessary arrangements.

 

Yesterday was SD's elementary-school-graduation, she stayed with me after the ceremony and I took her out for Italian sodas and to the beach, and for dinner we had a picnic in the park with her dad and the baby, ham sandwiches in the grass. Today was a daycare day but we are taking her out early and figuring out things from there.

[turnera]

So sorry to hear that.

 

I learned that taking my daughter for walks was a great way to open up the vocal cords. Grease the wheels, so to speak. You have to talk about something, so start with anything - birds you see, people walking, classwork. But after awhile, she'll start feeling safer to talk to you. If you have a dog, that's a great excuse for walking. Plus, walking side by side, it's not so confrontational. My DD19 got to the point where, every time something stressful happened, she was jumping at the bits to go on a walk with me as soon as I got home from work, so she could talk stuff out. Make it one of your personal, 'good memory' rituals that she'll associate with you.

[Stung]

That's a really good point about walking side-by-side being less confrontational, less pressure. I remember as a child both my parents always confronting me together, both facing me on one side while I sat by myself, always feeling very cornered and shutting down. Come to think of it, SD and I do have most of our spontaneous talks while we're taking the baby on a stroll or something similar. Last night we talked a little bit while we were both lying on our backs on the floor looking at "stars" on the ceiling.

 

Thanks.

Edited June 21, 2010 by Stung

[turnera]

Ooh! That reminds me! One of our favorite memories was to take a blanket out and lay under a tree and read, or do cloud watching, or even just a quickie picnic. Give her lots of good memories like this.

[pureinheart]

Listen to what she says...most kids communicate the most stressful happenings in everyday communication...they usually do this with those they trust.

 

I think you are way cool BTW for being so concerned about your SD...I was a SD before, so if she trusts you she will talk.

 

You could be more safe than her parents (I am not saying parents aren't safe, although there is a disipline factor that can be unappealing to kids).

 

My grandkids feel that I am safe and feel like they can tell me anything...

 

Stung I get a gut feeling that safety is an issue with her...you could be her safe place...my stepmother was until my dad died and she completely turned on me...even though it was fake it worked when I "thought" all was well;)

[dtruth]

Stung, I am sorry for your loss.

 

Turnera I believe hit the nail on the head. I have always found my own vaults (kids) open up when driving in the car 1 on 1, or when taking a neighborhood walk.

 

Typically it helps also to make the time, even when it is not convenient to you. When you sense they are looking to talk. Typically this is when they become agitated, or other behaviors you can probably recognize.

 

I find it odd, but it's like when child wants to talk and is afraid to, they purposely, and most likely unconsciously, wait for a time when you appear too busy and they feel its unlikely you will stop to talk with them. I have found the surprise of actually stopping and asking if they want to go to the store (or whatever excuse to get them in the car or on the side walk walking) improves their outlook immediately. Much like a dog when you say that magic words - DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK.

 

From there its best to start the conversation with something light in the hopes that primes the pump for them to divulge what they want to talk about. I have never found adults let alone children open to being direct with them. But I have found they are less afraid when you are consistent with them often times mentioning that you are available to them and open to anything they have to say. Most importantly when they have something outrageous not to over react. That will most certainly slam the door shut for future candid conversations.

 

Being a good listener while never easy, is something I believe many of us warm to.

 

I can tell you from my own experience my children talk to me about everything. And its not an easy process. As I said before, it's typically at a an inconvenient time for you, but making the time will pay huge dividends for you and your child. For me, having my children discussing their thoughts and looking to me for support is one of the most rewarding aspects of being a parent.

 

Best Wishes

Edited June 28, 2010 by dtruth