Cantcope Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You break up with her. She begs you back. You don't respond. She goes NC and blocks you from phone calls, texts, emails, and networking sites. You see her at work getting on with her life. 2 months post breakup and 8 days into NC (after her previously breaking 23 days), you contact her. How? You make a new email address and email her. When she doesn't respond, you call her from a friends phone asking to please come over. You come over and tell her that you really need to be her friend. You miss the friendship terribly and it's really consuming you that she won't even speak to you. What is your intention? You do love her. You do miss her. Do you really just want to be her friend, or are you conflicted and you want to see if things can possibly work out? Please guys.....I know that everyone's story is different, but insight would SOOOO be appreciated!!!!
ADF Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I would say that in the majority of cases, male exes who suddenly contact their female exes after dumping them are just fishing for sex. They figure that it is easier to get someone who has already sex with them to do it again than it is to find someone new. I would add that men are usually quite fearful of going without sex. If a man dumps a woman, chances are better than not that he has another woman lined up. He may not tell his ex-GF that, but he probably does. Men will often contact their exes after the women they left them for in turn dump them.
Author Cantcope Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Anyone else that doesn't think that ALL men only want p*ssy?
northstar1 Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 If he hasn't come back and be expressing clear that he made a terrible mistake, misses you and wants to do whatever it takes to start over? Then more than likely, he's come back for sex.
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I call this the 'Cheer's effect mind f*ck'. He just wants sex or is lonely. There's not one positive thing regarding *you* on his mind. It's about him and his 'needs'. If, however, he shows up on your doorstep and wants to talk about what *he* did by dumping you and how *he* f*cked up in the relationship and what *he's* willing to do to repair it/move forward, then I might listen. Otherwise, black hole. Bye-bye
ADF Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Anyone else that doesn't think that ALL men only want p*ssy? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted honest opinions. My mistake.
amerikajin Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You break up with her. She begs you back. You don't respond. She goes NC and blocks you from phone calls, texts, emails, and networking sites. You see her at work getting on with her life. 2 months post breakup and 8 days into NC (after her previously breaking 23 days), you contact her. How? You make a new email address and email her. When she doesn't respond, you call her from a friends phone asking to please come over. You come over and tell her that you really need to be her friend. You miss the friendship terribly and it's really consuming you that she won't even speak to you. What is your intention? You do love her. You do miss her. Do you really just want to be her friend, or are you conflicted and you want to see if things can possibly work out? Please guys.....I know that everyone's story is different, but insight would SOOOO be appreciated!!!! Basically, he wants to keep you in his back pocket until he has completely moved on. When he was dating you, he had an available supply of the tang. But now he doesn't, and maybe his, uh, skill set isn't as attractive to prospective clients as he might have imagined it to be. So he's getting lonelier and hornier by the minute and now he's fretting because he just realized he may have cut off someone who actually might rub his magic wand. In short, masturbation gets old.
Author Cantcope Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 Ok, ok....I get it. I'm good for nothing more than sex unless he comes over on his knees. Thanks!
carhill Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Yep, that's pretty much it. If men are telling you this, you can take it to the bank. Anything else would be akin to me thinking stbx would suddenly realize the errors of her ways and want to recover our marriage. Unlikely and oh thank God it will never happen. I get down on my knees and pray for it to all be over soon.
Ilovecake Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 Ok, ok....I get it. I'm good for nothing more than sex unless he comes over on his knees. Thanks! I don't think you should take this so personally. You asked a question and the guys are giving you a truthful, honest answer. You have to realize when people do anything they are motivated by their own needs not by yours so put yourself in your ex's shoes. What do you think he wants? What do most males want?
Author Cantcope Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 This sucks! Do I confront him and tell him that I think it's all that he wants? I'm not a stupid girl.....I know that no one WANTS to believe that someone only wants them for sex....I honestly DON'T feel that is his motivation. Again....THIS SUCKS!
LoveLace Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I would flat out just ask him what his intentions are. If he says he wants to be "friends" then remind him that "friends with benefits" is unacceptable. If he claims to seriously want to "work it out", don't make it too easy for him because he has to earn your trust back, since he dumped you. If he seems unsure of what he wants, go back to NC.
Ilovecake Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) You come over and tell her that you really need to be her friend. You miss the friendship terribly and it's really consuming you that she won't even speak to you. OK let's try this. He already told you what he wants (assuming this is true). Concentrate on what it is YOU want. Is a simple friendship enough for you? Now think about what being friends with someone entails. You would get to hear about his life and his new loves and his fights and good times with his new girlfriend, maybe even double date; you know stuff friends do and talk about. Are you assuming this "friendship" will lead to something more? You have every right to tell him exactly what your expectations are and what you need from a relationship with him, whether it be friendship or more. He then has the right to either try and fulfill that for you or back out. This back and forth is called communication and usually works pretty well. Edited June 16, 2010 by Ilovecake
Author Cantcope Posted June 16, 2010 Author Posted June 16, 2010 I did tell him that I felt being friends would make me hopeful. I don't think that he has ruled out a second chance, so I don't want to pressure him. I really do want to ask him flat out and tell him....if we have a chance at a second chance, we're cool. If the answer is no and you just want to be "friends", go f*ck yourself. I asked him Monday "is the door open or closed"? His response.... "I don't know ____ this weekend wasn't exactly planned ya know. I came over to beg for your friendship and we ended up spending the rest of the weekend together. You are like that guy you saw who was already asking for a 3rd date on the 1st. I'm just as confused as you are." Then in another message.... "I am feeling pressured to tell you right now whether we are going to start a relationship again when I'm as confused and scared as you". UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LoveLace Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 I did tell him that I felt being friends would make me hopeful. I don't think that he has ruled out a second chance, so I don't want to pressure him. I really do want to ask him flat out and tell him....if we have a chance at a second chance, we're cool. If the answer is no and you just want to be "friends", go f*ck yourself. I asked him Monday "is the door open or closed"? His response.... "I don't know ____ this weekend wasn't exactly planned ya know. I came over to beg for your friendship and we ended up spending the rest of the weekend together. You are like that guy you saw who was already asking for a 3rd date on the 1st. I'm just as confused as you are." Then in another message.... "I am feeling pressured to tell you right now whether we are going to start a relationship again when I'm as confused and scared as you". UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well that's not a solid answer, that's an in-between answer, not acceptable. He knows what you want and he's unsure, I say NC and go on with life as though you are still totally broken up then. Go with the All or Nothing rule. Otherwise he's getting what's in between, and that's okay with him but it's not for you, and that's not fair to you. Only All or Nothing is fair to you, so I'd treat it like it's nothing from now on.
O'Malley Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 "I am feeling pressured to tell you right now whether we are going to start a relationship again when I'm as confused and scared as you". "I am feeling pressured by you to put on a pretense of the possibility of a relationship, in the hopes that I might get laid if I lead you along with 'feelings' and 'confusion' for enough time. However, I don't want you to figure that out." Since you stated you can't handle a friendship with your ex...and it's obvious by his hedging that he doesn't want to get back with you, it's time to close the door completely on him.
ADF Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 This sucks! Do I confront him and tell him that I think it's all that he wants? I'm not a stupid girl.....I know that no one WANTS to believe that someone only wants them for sex....I honestly DON'T feel that is his motivation. Again....THIS SUCKS! Why the heck are you even asking for advice? You clearly aren't going to believe anything unless it is what you want to hear. Yes, he is madly in love with you. His motives are pure as fresh-fallen snow. He realizes you are The One and that he made a terrible mistake. He wants a second chance. If you give him one, he'll be never be anything but kind and loving and decent to you from now on. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There. Is that better?
Odyssey Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 You break up with her. She begs you back. You don't respond. She goes NC and blocks you from phone calls, texts, emails, and networking sites. You see her at work getting on with her life. "He got overly-defensive 'cause he felt hurt. Brings up old stuff about you dating=cheating on him BS. He breaks up with you. You beg him back. Both go solid NC...putting a tough face at work". OP, i think he's just testing the water by contacting you...he still doesn't know what he wants! But it doesn't sound like a second chance. By the way, why didn't he want to be exclusive bf/gf?
alphamale Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 What is your intention? You do love her. You do miss her. i've never done this so it would be neither. once its over, its over
amerikajin Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Yo, Cantcope, just want to say that, even though he's hangin' around for booty call, it doesn't meant that he doesn't have feelings. I'm sure he still has some feelings and good memories of your times together, but it's just not the same. I was blunt because I wanted you to know the score. Your dude's not trying to be a dick, he's just being a guy, and well, sometimes men are dicks. Hope I'm making sense.
DenverBachelor Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Guys want sex. It is hard-wired into our brains. In my early 20's, I would only use an ex for sex during a dry spell. When I got a little older, I learned the complications from doing that were not worth the sex -- so I just went out more until I got new girls.
r6060 Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) Could be that he is just really insecure. He was in control of the future when he walked away and you were begging him back. You took control when you went NC. Maybe he really doesn't know what he wants but he knows he doesn't like not being able to be the one deciding. If he stays your "friend" but knows what you really want, he has control back and keeps you from moving on. Just a thought. Edited June 17, 2010 by r6060
Macaw Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 I'm actually going to take a bite and risk being flamed to expose the other side of the story. As there are always exceptions to rules and there is not a single particular behavior every human being shares, I'm part of the male crowd that actually tries to be friend with his EXes. I wouldn't go so far as to be a complete tool and try to reach them by any means if they're making as much effort to go NC as you are. But there are actually guys out there who can tell when a relationship isn't going to last for the remaining of both your lifetimes while he is still in love with you. The sensible thing to do in those cases would be to just end the relationship, despite still loving you and/or cherishing your company and friendship. The longer it takes, the more it hurts. He does feel lonely, that much is a given. But maybe it's only for good (not any) company, and there isn't better company than those of your closest friends and family members. Eventually the feeling fades out, and at least for me, the process hurts less than simply pretending the woman had died overnight. I've also never had sex with an ex outside of the relationship timeline. And I'm 25. I hope my story helps. You know your man better than everyone else around here. Trust your instincts, and if you feel like he's just trying to score, punch him in the face.
Ilovecake Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 (edited) "I am feeling pressured to tell you right now whether we are going to start a relationship again when I'm as confused and scared as you". Means I don't want the responsibility of a relationship with you but I want the perks aka booty calls. If he wanted to have a relationship beyond friendship he would jump at the chance. If people want something they tend to go after it. There’s no confusion. If he’s wavering then no he doesn't want it. You already had your first and second and third date so don’t let him pull that guilt trip on you just so you sleep with him hoping it will bring you two closer because it won’t. If you really want to see if he wants to be committed to you stop sleeping with him and see how long he sticks around. Edited June 17, 2010 by Ilovecake
LoveLace Posted June 17, 2010 Posted June 17, 2010 Could be that he is just really insecure. He was in control of the future when he walked away and you were begging him back. You took control when you went NC. Maybe he really doesn't know what he wants but he knows he doesn't like not being able to be the one deciding. If he stays your "friend" but knows what you really want, he has control back and keeps you from moving on. Just a thought. Makes a whole lot of sense, something to think about. Billy Joel said it relationships are "an ultimate battle of control". lol.
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