Mother behaving very strange after my marriage.

[danibcs]

Hi,

 

I am new to the forum and I like it because the way people are helping each other with their sincere advice. So I thought i should also post my problem here so i am looking for a sincere advice from all members who can help.

 

I got married one and half year back. My father has died 8 years back and a am the elder son of my mother. She is behaving very strange and shocking since the first day of my marriage.

 

She has not accepted my wife from the day first..and not ready to see me with her for a single day. In sentence if i explain her situation that is.. she is behaving with me and my wife as some woman behaves with her husband and his second wife living in same home.

 

I dont know why is this. Her situation becomes too bad quite ofter that she seems to be in histaria. She try to control her... if she manage but after 4-5 days she takes sleeping pills not letting any one now. But the pills effect her consciousness and bad things starting coming out in the form of shouting.. weeping .. abusing.. mental torture, suicidal statements and very cheap strange actions.

 

I want to understand this behavior and what my be the possible solution to cope with it.

 

Best Regards.

Dani

[TaraMaiden]

Ok...

my 2-cents diagnosis.

 

Your father died 8 years ago. She lost her love and life-mate, but she had you as eldest son, to rely on, and step into papa's shoes.

 

Then - horror of horrors - you got married.

Once again, she has been abandoned and has lost a support and male presence in her life.

 

please understand. I am not suggesting at all that your mother sees you as a Husband substitute and has sexual feelings towards you. Not at all.

but I think she became dependent on your male presence, and saw in you a replacement for the male energy in her life.

 

But I would guess from your method of communicating that English is not your first language, and that maybe in your culture, the connection between parents and children is very strong, and encouraged.

 

She is desperately resentful and jealous of the place your wife occupies in your affections.

It could be any woman, I don't think she specifically is targeting your wife personally. This would happen whoever you might have married.

because of her resentment and jealousy she is behaving erratically and actually, very dangerously.

you might need to talk to her doctor (I presume the sleeping tablets are prescribed) and tell him you believe your mother still needs bereavement counselling and describe the pattern of behaviour to the doctor.

he cannot tell you anything about your mother. This is patient confidentiality. But if you tell him that what you are revealing to him is also confidential, and ask him to consider offering her counselling and help, that would be good.

 

But you know - she has to see this problem, and agree that it needs resolving.

You cannot solve it for her.

At all.

 

That was worth 2 cents.

But I hope you think it was money well spent.

[danibcs]

TaraMaiden,

 

Thanks for your reply. And i must say your analysis is very much correct. Since last one and half year .. seeing the patterns of her behavior and mantel condition i was also thinking the same as you mentioned about her in your post.

 

The sleeping pills she is taking are the routine one and not subscribed by any doctor. She know the name of many now and unfortunately here in our city(Lahore) it is not necessary to have prescription to buy the tablets.

 

The worse thing is .. she never ready to go to a psychiatrist. Also i am not aware that what type of psychiatrist should i approach and what to do during her treatment.

 

It would be very nice if you and others can comment about the possible solution to my mother's problem. I am really stuck.

 

Also please suggest, should I(with my wife) live separately from my mother

(Which is not acceptable to my mother though) or not.

 

Thanks and regards

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden,

 

Thanks for your reply. And i must say your analysis is very much correct. Since last one and half year .. seeing the patterns of her behavior and mantel condition i was also thinking the same as you mentioned about her in your post.

I'm glad we find ourselves in agreement.

 

The sleeping pills she is taking are the routine one and not subscribed by any doctor. She know the name of many now and unfortunately here in our city(Lahore) it is not necessary to have prescription to buy the tablets.

OK, but I would guess you still have a family doctor. Perhaps you could still make an appointment and ask for his advice. Your concern for your mother is evident....

 

The worse thing is .. she never ready to go to a psychiatrist. Also i am not aware that what type of psychiatrist should i approach and what to do during her treatment.

Yes, this would be the most difficult thing. But again, maybe your doctor could help in that direction. of course, I don't know whether this would involve expenditure and financial outlay, or indeed whether this kind of therapy is either commonplace or acceptable.

 

It would be very nice if you and others can comment about the possible solution to my mother's problem. I am really stuck.

The only thing you could do, is to take her out, on your own one day,for a coffee or something, and explain to her how upset both your wife and you are, to see her so distressed and unhappy, and to ask why she thinks your marriage is wrong. But you also have to explain to her that you love your wife and you need her to accept that. This is your life now, you chose this, and your wife makes you very happy. You cannot understand her attitude, and it's not fair on you.

 

Also please suggest, should I(with my wife) live separately from my mother

(Which is not acceptable to my mother though) or not.

Absolutely, definitely.

This is too stressful for you all to tolerate.

You cannot be in the middle all the time, your wife should not have to be subjected to such abuse, and your mother should not have to see something that upsets her in such a big way. But she needs to stand on her own two feet, and accept the situation.

 

You cannot fix her.

 

Got that?

You can only explain, and try to make her see that this is not constructive, but you cannot improve things FOR her.

She has to find her own way. And you have to detach yourself and not be so close to her, by living with her....

 

Hope this helps, really I do.

[whichwayisup]

Hi,

 

I am new to the forum and I like it because the way people are helping each other with their sincere advice. So I thought i should also post my problem here so i am looking for a sincere advice from all members who can help.

 

I got married one and half year back. My father has died 8 years back and a am the elder son of my mother. She is behaving very strange and shocking since the first day of my marriage.

 

She has not accepted my wife from the day first..and not ready to see me with her for a single day. In sentence if i explain her situation that is.. she is behaving with me and my wife as some woman behaves with her husband and his second wife living in same home.

 

I dont know why is this. Her situation becomes too bad quite ofter that she seems to be in histaria. She try to control her... if she manage but after 4-5 days she takes sleeping pills not letting any one now. But the pills effect her consciousness and bad things starting coming out in the form of shouting.. weeping .. abusing.. mental torture, suicidal statements and very cheap strange actions.

 

I want to understand this behavior and what my be the possible solution to cope with it.

 

Best Regards.

Dani

 

Your mom is grieving her husband, your father. Since he died, you are the man in her eyes (not sexually speaking ofcourse) she sees you HERS.

 

you got married and she feels threatened, left out and alone.

 

She needs help asap. make an appt, take her to the Dr and go from there.

 

Everyone else has given you some good advice too, so I hope you follow it.

[turnera]

Have you done anything to help your mother find new outlets, new activities, to fill the hole left by her husband?

 

She needs her own life, not just her old one with you replacing her husband.

[Corporate]

 

Absolutely, definitely.

This is too stressful for you all to tolerate.

 

TaraMaidnen, I agree with your analysis of the problem, but I disagee with your solution/suggestion for this problem. How much do you know about their culture? Moving out is no big deal in the West, but it's not the case in Pakistan.

[TaraMaiden]

This is why I asked where he lived, but I have good freinds from pakistan, and the children were encouraged to study hard, get good qualifications, and make a successful career for themselves, and the work ethic was drummed into them from an early age.

I would say that while a family cohesion is of prime importance, Pakistani parents want nothing but the best for their children, and encourage diligence, independence and hard work, as a norm.

Her attachment to her son, whilst understandable, given the culture, is still unhealthy.

And the fact that he even asked, would make it appear that it's a reasonable consideration.

He could just as easily have said "We live with my mother, but moving out would not be reasonable, as in my culture, such issues are not an option". But he didn't. he asked whether he should be living with her, or whether he should move out.

I based my reply on the fact that he even tabled the question.

 

Hope that helps.

[danibcs]

I have tried to do every thing to make her feel better in last one and half year

Here i would like to mention one thing... that she become out of control most of the time when she see know that me and my wife have sleep together. I am unable to describe her mental and physical situation. Her eye's white portion becomes more white and clear then before, and she seems to be in a hystaria condition shouting and mourning at loud voice and try to beat me.

Some time she weeps bitterly in this condition and says that i have died. This condition of her is coming right from the 2nd day of my marriage. I am not yet able to change her mind and make her clear that i am a married man and i have some duties specific to my wife. It is been near two years, i have 7 month child now but her condition does not change.

 

She has now left the house and gone to the village(our home town) to stay there alone. She is not ready to live separately with in same city. She is very emotional.. and she always try to manuplate the things in a wrong manner. She is in village.. alone and don't want to meet me ...If i intend to live separate.

Besides this .. her mental and physical condition is not good.

 

I dont know how much she do all this out of mind or knowing every thing. Please pray for her.

 

Regards.

[TaraMaiden]

dani, this is tragic, I'm so sorry it has come to this.

I really do feel you need to approach a doctor and confide your concerns to them.

I really believe she needs help because it sounds as if she is losing her grip on reason and reality.

She must be terribly distressed and living in her own hell.

 

I do hope you manage to find a resolution to this.

It's very sad.

[Corporate]

Here i would like to mention one thing... that she become out of control most of the time when she see know that me and my wife have sleep together.

 

Are you and your wife being too loud?

[turnera]

Please try to get her medical/mental health help.

[danibcs]

Soon after my mother went to the home town to live alone, She tried to contact me through different persons and asked me to bring her back. I meet her and discussed the things in a very cool environment once again. She told me that she lost her mind and never want to do what she had done intentionally and normally and so she wants things to get normal once again.

This is almost dozens of times happened in the same manner. All she do (with or without her mind in control) and soon after she wants every thing to be slatted again. While being very close to her and being her son i feel its me moral duty every time to feel her request true. So I am asking my wife to live normally once again. But my wife seems to be loosing her patients and moreover respect for my mother.

This to and fro phenomenon of my mother's behavior is been observed since my child hood and moreover my relatives who are elder also tells me that this mental behavior is present in my mother since her childhood. When i tried to asked my mother very politely that why this is so, She told me that may be she had bad influence on her mind during her child hood due to the behavior of her father with her mother in the night. She told me that his father came drunk in house in the night and her mother and her father used to abuse and fight with each other in very bad manner. But in the morning when the effects of the alcohol removed, every thing went to normal.

 

So, besides her jealousy for my wife for our husband wife relationship, I feel that she might be mentally not healthy. And so it always dont allow me to take any hard step like separation etc. I am trying to find a good psychiatrist for her and also trying to seek some help through some religious person.

 

But i really dont know about the future that how long it will again happen.

 

What you people think.. If i am on the right track or not.

[turnera]

Your mother is almost certainly bipolar. Find a doctor who deals with that.

[TaraMaiden]

I completely agree with turnera. This is a mental problem which requires professional help.

 

Please talk to a doctor as soon as you can.

[freestyle]

I'd recommend doing some reading on Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

The behaviors you described (the jealousy, fear of abandonment, using threats of suicide as a manipulation tactic, the hysteria,) are classic symptoms of this disorder.

 

I found a site about it, with informative articles, and a support forum.

In the index for the support forum, there is a subsection about how to deal with family members who have this disorder.I'll provide a link, hope it's helpful to you.

 

 

http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles2.htm

 

 

I wish you my best, what a difficult thing to deal with.......

[danibcs]

Hi,

turnera and TaraMaiden,

 

Would you please precisely tell me what type of doctor should i consult Also do you think if the problem is present since child hood and has become the permanent phenomena of her personality, is it still curable. How much time duration and what kind of treatment will it required.

 

Regards

Dani

[turnera]

Look up some websites, they'll give you far better information than I can give, as an outsider.